Chapter 13
Ciara
Hov and I sat in the hospital room, waiting silently for the doctor to return. We weren't here because either one of us had been shot or cut, but because, shortly after we left the hall, I started cramping and bleeding, causing terror to settle into my stomach.
Hov sat across the room with his head lowered, hands clasped tightly. Every few seconds, he looked over at me and asked if I was okay, but I couldn’t speak. All I could do was shake my head in denial.
When the doctor finally came in, she closed the door softly behind her.
She laid me down on my back, put cold jelly across my exposed stomach and started to guide the probe from left to right.
After she searched for about a minute, she sat the probe down, and the look on her face told me everything I didn’t want to hear even before she even opened her mouth.
“What’s the news, Doc?” Hov asked, his voice already breaking.
“I’m so sorry, but there is no heartbeat.”
Hov rushed over to me immediately, because I slid down to the floor sobbing like a baby. He picked me up like I weighed nothing, holding me against his chest as if his arms alone could keep me from falling apart.
“I’ll give you both a moment,” the doctor whispered, leaving the room.
“It’s okay. It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not Hov!” I choked between sobs. “It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have jumped down on my stomach like that. I should’ve been more careful with the baby. I put my life ahead of the babies, and I shouldn't have done that!”
“Baby don't say that,” Hov said quickly, shaking his head.
“I'm sure the impact didn’t cause this. The baby is protected in your stomach.”
“I know. I know, but that means it’s the stress. I shouldn’t have been stressing. I shouldn’t have even been at that party. I,”
I stopped, because the more I talked, the more the grief clawed at my throat.
“Just take me home, Hov. I just want to go home.”
He nodded, eyes soft. “Okay. Do you want me to carry you, baby?”
“No. I’m fine. I can walk.”
I got back off the table and walked out of the room so fast that Hov had to jog to keep up. I was shaking, furious, hurt, and trying not to scream in the hospital hallway like a woman who had completely lost her mind.
I've been pregnant multiple times and lost babies, but this baby meant the world to me. It was me and my husband's baby, and I knew it meant the world to Hov just like me. Losing it felt like someone had ripped the air right out of my lungs.
When we reached the car, Hov opened my door and tried to help me in, but I pushed his hands away.
“I got it, Hov,” I muttered.
He didn’t argue and just ran around to the driver’s side and started the engine. During the drive, he kept reaching across the console, trying to hold my hand, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to feel anything except the hope that maybe, all of this was just a nightmare.
When we finally got home, I didn’t even bother to take off my coat. I kicked off my shoes at the door and collapsed onto the couch, numb from the mental agony I felt.
Hov stood in the doorway for a moment, watching me, before walking over and sitting beside me. He gently stroked his hand through my hair, his touch soft, almost like he was afraid I might break if he touched me too hard.
“You okay?” he asked, his voice barely a whisper.
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he said quietly. “I don’t know what happened, but I swear to you, I’ll fix it. I’ll make this right.”
I finally lifted my head to look at him, the tears streaming down my face. “Fix it? How do you fix this, Hov? How do you fix the fact that we lost our baby?”
“I know it hurts. I know it’s unfair. But I promise, this isn’t the end. We will have another baby. We will make it through this.”
I shook my head, the grief overwhelming.
“This is the second time in the matter of a month, Hov. First, the shooting at the Courthouse, and now this. When will it end?”
Hov’s eyes softened, his hands rubbing my back in slow circles. “I know, baby. But this is just a setback. We’ll get through it, I swear. But you’ve got to stay strong.”
“Just tell me, are we going to be okay here? Tell me if this is life with you and I? Are we constantly going to be ducking from gunfire? Running for our lives?” I whispered, my voice breaking.
“No, we won’t be, and I promise that you and our future kids are going to be safe.”
“How? Don’t you think it’s too dangerous to raise a family here? Don’t you think we should leave the city and never look back?”
He paused, then shook his head. “No. We don’t run from any problems. We deal with them. You know that.”
I stood up and walked over to the TV, turning it off because I couldn’t handle the noise. The memories of the party still haunted me. The sound of gunfire, the chaos, the fear I saw in people’s faces.
“I can’t do this anymore, Hov,” I said quietly, my voice filled with exhaustion. “I can’t keep living like this. You can say that you got me, and we will be fine, but I’m scared, and I feel left in the dark about a lot of shit.”
He walked over and stood behind me, his arms wrapping around my waist.
“Baby, I need you to trust me. I told you I would make it right. I just need some time.”
I closed my eyes, turning and resting my head on his chest.
“How much time, Hov?”
“A month. Just a month of me back in the streets and I’ll take care of everything. And after that, you’ll be safe. I promise.”
I looked up into his eyes.
“I don’t want you to go back to that life. I can’t lose you to the grave or jail, Hov.”
“You won’t lose me, Ciara,” he said softly, brushing the hair from my face.
“I’m doing this for you. For us. For the future we are going to have. Just give me a month, baby, and no nigga will ever feel they can fuck with me, especially when you're around. They will know of the hell I’m going to bring down on their pussy asses if they do.”
“Okay Hov, whatever you say.”
I had no choice but to hold on to the promise that he would come back to me, that we would make it through this.
“I wanted this baby so badly, Hov. I wanted our family to be complete,” I cried into his chest.
“I know, baby. I did too, but we will try again. And next time, I’ll make sure you’re safe, and that’s on everything.”
“Okay.” I nodded my head because I believed my husband. He wasn’t one to just talk, and Hov wanted this baby just as much as I did. Though tears weren’t running out of his eyes, I could tell he was hurt, and seeing him like this made me just as upset as my tears made him.
“Avenge our baby, Hov. Get all the mutha fuckas that did this shit so that our child won’t die in vain, okay.”
Hov nodded his head with a determined look on his face that made me almost feel sorry for what he was about to do to this city.
For the first time in my life, I wanted to hear about several mutha fuckas losing their lives. Hov’s cutthroat ways must be rubbing off on me, especially when it comes to the people that I love. To my child, my now angel baby.