7. Lies All Around
Chapter 7
Lies All Around
Bonnie
“You don’t have to help me with flash cards,” Lulu says.
“What’s the Dewey decimal number for nonfiction?” I ask.
She laughs. “That’s not the question.”
“That’s not an answer either.” I toss another gummy bear in my mouth and shake the cards. “Come on. Study.”
Lulu reaches across the couch and yanks the index cards from my hands. “You’re avoiding things.”
“No, I’m helping you study.”
She throws them in the air, and they explode like confetti, flittering down like feathers around us. I start to gather them up. Lulu smacks my hand away.
“Uh, ouch?”
“You’ve been helping me study for hours,” she says. “And I know this is super boring to you. So, let me help you.”
“Okay, but I also haven’t been moping for the first time in two days. Win-win.”
Lulu sighs. “You really don’t wanna talk about it?”
“Which part?”
“Any part.”
I fall back on the cushioned floor and exhale a mix between a frustrated sigh and a whine.
No. I don’t want to talk— yet again —about what happened this past weekend. My brain has been spiraling enough, and I’m exhausted.
If I’m not thinking about how I made a massive idiot out of myself in front of Rafe not one, but two days in a row, then I’m losing sleep over the fact that I’m a total loser. Of course Rafe isn’t interested in me. What is so appealing about an unsuccessful art student lazing around all summer?
Ma is gonna be so disappointed. I’ve seen her face flash through my mind too many times. She gets that little scrunch above her nose when she’s upset, but doesn’t want to be obvious about it. But right after Ma’s face haunts me, I see Rafe’s again, and my stomach roils with embarrassment that I’ll probably still feel on my deathbed in sixty years.
“There’s nothing new to talk about, Lu,” I say.
“Just word-vomit, and I’ll listen.”
Lulu Kitt—my best friend and coolest, most supportive person alive—has spent too much time the past few days allowing me to be in my feelings. She dragged our thick comforters from our bedrooms and created a slumber party pallet on the living room floor. My room and studio always look like a nightmare, but Ma, at minimum, raised me to take care of common spaces. Now, my emotions bleed out of me and infect the rest of our cottage. As if I needed more things to feel guilty about that are one hundred percent my fault.
“Go. Talk,” Lulu insists, lying down on the cushions next to me.
I exhale and bury my head in a pillow.
“I’m an embarrassment,” is what I settle on because it seems to encompass everything neatly.
She laughs. “You’re not an embarrassment.”
“I’m a failure without an internship. What am I gonna tell my family, Lu?”
“First, you’re not a failure. And second, you’ll say it didn’t work out, and that’s fine.”
Lulu hands me a gummy bear from our crinkling bag. I bite the head off.
“Brutal,” she says.
“Nothing is ever gonna be fine again. Oh God, and I can still hear myself from Saturday. The”—I gulp and shut my eyes—“ noises I made. I swear the memory causes me physical pain.”
Lulu leans her head back and laughs. She’s at least not the type of person to pretend something isn’t embarrassing. I appreciate that about her.
“I bet it was endearing to him,” she says.
“It wasn’t. He’s never gonna talk to me again.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
My heart screeches to a halt.
I sit up quickly and gawk. “Uh, it absolutely is a bad thing, Lu.”
“You had fun! He gave you two amazing orgasms. Sure, it was awkward, but … I mean, it’s not like you’re gonna date him.”
“Okay, but …” I don’t have an argument because she’s right.
He explicitly said that. And when I went to his shop the next day, it wasn’t like he was clamoring to sleep with me again. I’m just a naive girl to him. Bonnie—not cool, mature Shiv. And I’m far from the clever girl I was on Saturday night.
Lulu sighs, seeing me start to spiral again. “I know he’s been your dream guy forever”—I cringe—“but … sometimes, you grow up, and those heartthrob men just aren’t as cool as you thought they were. Maybe a great night is all it needs to be.”
“He is cool.”
“Maybe.”
“No … he was kind. Really.”
Lulu wasn’t there. She didn’t see how gentle he was that night, how he let me take the lead and wouldn’t move until I did. He didn’t force anything. It was my choice, and he didn’t have all the information. He wouldn’t have slept with me if he’d known. I know he wouldn’t have.
I open my mouth to say more, but am stopped at the sound of gravel kicking around under tires outside.
“Did you invite someone over?” I ask.
“No. Did you?”
I shake my head.
We scramble to our feet and cross to the front door. My heart—my silly little heart—somehow hopes for it to be him . I want that tattooed guy to be here with flowers and … an apology? But what is there to apologize for?
I pull open the front door and instead see Wendy’s car pulling into an empty spot in the lot. It was ridiculous to think Rafe would show up. Rafe doesn’t even know where I live.
“Hey, Wen,” Lulu says. She falls onto the porch swing. “What are you doing here?”
Wendy emerges from the car, tucking her keys in the pocket of her pastel dress. Her brown hair is, as always, elegantly tied back in a bow. She’s gorgeous, and I’m on day two of plaid sleep shorts and a baggy Howling Ravens T-shirt.
“Just checking in on my favorite duo,” Wendy says with a beaming smile. “Thought we could have a girls’ day.”
Lulu and I, attuned as we are, exchange a look.
Lies, right? I ask.
Totally lies , she confirms.
All it takes is one suspicious look for Wendy to sigh and deflate. “Okay, fine. Milo texted me. He said he’s worried about you.”
Lulu’s head jerks back. “Me?”
“No. Bon.”
“Oh,” Lulu says. “Right. That makes sense.”
Instead of feeling comfort that my brother is worried about me, a shiver of irritation runs down my spine.
“Worried about what?” I ask. “I told him I’m fine.”
“Well, you’re in pajamas at three o’clock on a Tuesday,” she says.
“He doesn’t know that. What’d he say?”
Wendy’s lips twist to the side. “Well, he also said he saw you with Rafe on Saturday.”
My stomach plummets.
I tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear and cross my arms, feigning disinterest. “The only thing to worry about is how nosy everyone seems to be.”
Wendy laughs. “That’s what I said. But … you were with Rafe, weren’t you?”
“It’s internships,” Lulu interjects. “That’s all. I don’t know why everyone is on about this whole Rafe thing.”
I side-eye Lulu, and she gives a weak smile. It’s a good cover, but I’d honestly rather not have the conversation about my lack of internships either. My best friend did the best she could, I guess.
“Oh no.” Wendy’s hand goes to her mouth. She looks genuinely upset for me, but that’s just the kind of lovely woman Wendy is. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” I answer. “Just … things aren’t going as well as I’d like on the job front.”
It’s the first time I’ve admitted it to anyone in my family, and the moment I say it, I hate it. I hate even more that it’s Wendy I told it to. She wouldn’t understand. Wendy’s never had a problem like this. She’s an elementary school teacher who won Teacher of the Year two years in a row. She writes books just for fun, and they’re actually good. She’s Wendy . Someone whose opinion matters too much to me.
“I’m so sorry,” she says, walking forward.
Ugh , yep, I hate this.
“It’s fine,” I say as she takes my hand in hers. “Really. I’m figuring it out.”
I’m totally not.
She bites her bottom lip and winces. “Is it selfish to hope you’ll stay in Never Harbor?”
I laugh, but it’s exhausted.
“We could hang out more!” Wendy is only trying to make me feel better, which is why she quickly adds, “Imagine the fun we could have!” She hikes her shoulders up to her ears, as if even the thought makes her giddy. “Beach days with books …”
“The Music Festival,” I throw in dully.
“Girls’ days,” she sighs.
“Late nights at The Hideaway.”
“Well, maybe … that might be a you and Lulu activity,” Wendy says.
“Too much pink drink?” I joke.
“Well, um …” She removes her hand from mine and twists her palms together. “Exactly. I don’t wanna drink right now.”
I notice a slight pause, and I think the suspicion hits my stomach before it hits my brain. Lulu is quicker to the draw.
“Oh my God,” Lulu gasps. “Wait, are you pregnant?”
Suddenly, it feels so obvious. The news hits me like a train. A big, rocketing engine barreling down the tracks.
“Are you?” I ask.
Sheepishly, Wendy waves her palms out. “Oh, I didn’t wanna bring it up. Let’s not talk about it actually.”
“Oh my God, that’s amazing ,” I say, and I mean it.
Another niece or nephew would be fantastic. First, Marina’s pregnant, and now Wendy.
My face instantly falls.
First Marina … now Wendy …
“It’s still pretty early,” Wendy says, clearly trying to avoid the subject.
“But it’s also still exciting!” Lulu interjects.
Wendy gives a weak smile. “It is. And … well, I’ll need a sister to help me through this.” She grabs my hand again. “So, you staying wouldn’t be so bad.”
A sister .
Wendy and Jasper haven’t gotten married. Something about enjoying their life as it is . But Wendy is essentially my sister-in-law, even if it is unofficial.
I feel so ridiculous. I’m here, moping about school, and Wendy is cooking a baby—a new life. My problems feel insignificant in comparison. But there’s a very small part of me … the part I really don’t like … that feels … raw.
Wendy is giving Ma another grandchild.
Not me. Not that I want a child right now anyway. I’m not sure I want one at all, honestly. But it’s just another scoot out of the inner circle of women in my family.
I was here first , invades my mind, and I immediately hate myself for it.
What am I giving Ma other than a daughter wasting her money on a school I’m performing terribly at?
“Okay, let’s not talk about me anymore,” Wendy says, shaking her head, as if disappointed it was even brought up. “I’m only here to help you. So, tell me about your situation. Let me help. And if it is boy trouble …”
My heart stutters.
“What did Milo even say?” Lulu asks. She kicks off the white planks and swings back. There’s irritation in her tone, as if she’s miffed anyone could think Rafe and I would ever happen.
I appreciate her commitment to the lie, but it doesn’t exactly make me feel confident.
Wendy shrugs. “Just that Bonnie never met back up with you guys.”
Leave it to my brother to keep unnecessary tabs on me.
“Why does Milo even care?” I ask. “Doesn’t he have better things to do?”
“Doesn’t he have a girlfriend?” Lulu adds.
Wendy provides that musical laugh of hers. “He’s just looking out for you, like brothers do.”
I tsk. “Well, brothers need to mind their own business.”
Wendy tilts her head to the side. “Is there … ‘business’ there?”
I immediately shake my head.
It feels weird to be so closed off with Wendy, but I don’t want her to know about Rafe. It’s not that she’d judge me or judge him, but … well, maybe she would—I don’t know.
She’s starting a family. I had sex in a hallway.
We are not the same.
“I’m fine.” I don’t sound fine, but Wendy doesn’t question it. “I’m telling you, it’s just the internships. Nothing happened with Rafe.”
Saying it out loud feels wrong. Like a dirty truth I don’t want to admit to myself.
Nothing will ever come of our one-night stand.
“Well, don’t worry,” Wendy says, almost in a delightful chirp. “Things will work out. Because you’re you. And you stop at nothing to get what you want. You always have.”
“Do I?”
She strides across the porch to hug me. “Of course you do.” She squeezes tight, just like Ma does. “There’s a reason why you’re doing great in art school.”
I’m not.
I’m not .
I’m in Never Harbor for the summer with my plaid pajamas and messy hair and serious lack of a future.
Everyone in town clearly sees me as the girl who needs to be checked in on. The one struggling to move forward. Even the man I’ve crushed on forever sees me as nothing more than a naive girl.
But I’m not a girl anymore.
I stop at nothing to get what I want?
No. I don’t.
Not anymore.
I swallow and tongue my cheek.
But Shiv might.