Chapter 35
THIRTY-FIVE
‘Do I really want to know? ’
Yes, I fucking want to know. Because if these songs are about some other fucking girl, I’m going to shoot myself.
Even the songs that sound like they hate the person they’re singing about…you can hear the pain. The longing. The ache. The need.
The chorus of Melodies On My Mind… I’ve never heard such beautiful words. Wrapped in such angst.
“ Melodies On My Mind …” I start, walking over to the couch and sitting down while they all come closer. “The chorus you played during warm-up. Beautiful. Haunting. Pointed.” Every word I say makes Reis shrink back a little, but I keep going. I have to get this out. I have to know.
I have to.
“ Time proved who you were / Time proved what I needed/ Melodies swirling around my mind/ trying to take over/ Yeah, Melodies on my mind, ” I repeat softly. “Is it about me? About us?”
“They’re all about you,” Markus admits quickly. No hesitation. My heart drops just a bit because the agony they must have felt over me, over what happened, is breathtaking.
They took every bad thing and turned it into this empire for themselves.
“Reverb,” Reis says softly, “we all write songs. We all work on each other’s stuff. But there’s one common thread tying almost every single song together. You . You’re the muse that lights our creativity, our passion, our love, like no one and nothing has done for us before.”
“Every song, every beat, it all starts with you,” Adam continues, sitting on the coffee table in front of me. “Heartbreak, anger, love, wishes, fantasies, hope, betrayal. All of that emotion? It starts and ends with you .”
My breath catches as Markus joins in.
“Each song, each lyric; each echo, reverb, syncopation—they’re all about you and our deep, overwhelming, all-encompassing love for you .”
Kai sits next to me on the couch, throwing his arm behind me over the back.
“Do you understand now?” He asks this with a lazy fucking grin, like he knew exactly what kind of emotional bomb they were dropping on me. Kai’s other hand comes up to my chin, brushing my jaw softly with the back of his knuckles before his gaze drops to my lips. “We all love you,” he whispers.
And my control snaps.
I lean forward, taking Kai’s lips in a deep, heavy kiss that promises…everything. When I pull back to give him air, I grab the front of Adam’s shirt and pull him forward, kissing him just as deeply, showing him how fucking thankful I am that they chose me.
Reis sits to the other side of me, and when Adam pulls back for air, I swing around to Reis, showing him how much I choose them. How much I want them in every capacity. How much I cherish them.
Markus stands, leaning over the coffee table and clearing his throat, like I’d somehow forgotten about him.
I peck Reis one more time before showing my bassist some love.
His tongue tastes like weed and the spearmint gum he was chewing, and I press into him as hard as I can to say I love him just as much.
This could all get very heated, very quickly.
Fuck, I want it to. I want to show them just how much I’m as obsessed with them as they are with me.
I want them to know in every damn fiber of their beings that I’m theirs.
“Oh dear god.” Those words ring out through the room like a fucking gun shot and my lady boner immediately deflates. Fucking Louis . “The doors aren’t locked, you guys,” he sneers. “Anyone could’ve come in here and your not-so-secret secret would be confirmed. Are you trying to fuck it all up?”
“Shut the hell up, Louis,” Reis snaps, his hand finding my thigh possessively.
“This isn’t just about my personal feelings anymore. People are starting to whisper. Imagine what that will do. Just imagine .” His eyes narrow as he glares at me.
He’s not talking to the guys anymore. He’s talking to me.
“Imagine what would happen to your careers if people found out. It would devastate you all.” If people find out about this relationship, they’ll abandon them. They’ll lose everything. Are you sure you’re enough? Is what he’s trying to tell me.
I swallow the lump in my throat. Can I really do that to them? Am I enough? My head drops and I bite my lip as I think about it. Can I be that selfish?
“We don’t fucking care, and we’ve told you that already.” Kai stands up and growls, “I’m getting really fucking sick of your attitude, Louis. One word, one more negative thought you put in her head, and you’re out of here.”
Louis stares right at Kai, like he doesn’t quite believe what he’s saying, but backs off.
Unfortunately, the damage is already done.
“ Even though the time we spent/ Was it enough to have you keep haunting me?/ Our time is through/ Just let me go, let me go, let me go!” Reis' deep voice rings through the speakers, the tone he’s singing in so raspy and hoarse, you can hear the edge of restraint he has to keep from screaming.
Knowing that all these songs are about me… as hard as it is to hear how their heartbreak felt, it’s also kind of cathartic. I know they felt as possessed by our time together as I did. I know they were just as devastated as I was when it all broke apart.
It feels like a double edged sword as I stand in the wings, dressed to the tens for their concert.
I love watching them live their dreams. But can I…
Will I be enough for them? Will a groupie catch their eye one day and sharing won’t be enough?
Could I live through another rejection from them? Even if it’s upfront this time?
“ Baby, this time must not be ours/ Time must be against me and I have to listen/ It seems like it hurts more, when I’m bleeding between these bars!” Reis bends slightly as he pushes more emphasis against the last note and tears build in my eyes again.
“That song must hurt, huh?” Louis stands next to me, his hands in his pant pockets, looking out onto the stage while the lights strobe over Adam.
“It was one of their better received ones. And never, ever fails to get a few bras thrown at them. A few phone numbers slipped into their hands, a few pussies in their bed. Women listen to the clear heartbreak in the song, the way they all turn solemn because it’s real, and it’s like catnip to the ladies. ”
I grit my teeth, cross my arms, and will myself to not let the fucking tears fall.
“You know…” Louis steps closer, speaking just quietly enough that his words are for my ears only. “I have walked in on them all fucking the same girl. They were all…very into it. But the girl signed the NDA and walked off when she was told. That happened quite a few times .”
This motherfucker knows exactly which buttons to push. My eyes widen and my nails dig into the flesh on my palms as I do everything in my power to not react.
I’m not the first girl they’ve shared. I really, truly, must not be that special then.
Did I think our past was enough to make me different?
“ Sometimes I’m thankful it happened this way/ If you hadn’t pushed, I’d have stayed/ But our time is through/ Just let me go, let me go, let me go !” Reis screams the last word and the crowd freaks out, screaming and chanting as he goes into the song’s rap, but my mind is cycling on those words.
“Sometimes I’m thankful it happened this way. If you hadn’t pushed, I’d have stayed. But our time is through. Just let me go.”
“I built them. They don’t need you anymore,” Louis growls angrily in my ear and I step back. It’s enough. I’ve had enough.
My heart feels like it’s breaking all over again, and I put my hand up in a halting motion to keep him from coming closer. A treacherous tear falls down my face and Louis smiles sinisterly.
“I’m going to the hotel. Tell the guys I’m there. Don’t be an even bigger asshole about it, tell them at intermission,” I bark and walk off. I don’t know where the hotel is, I don’t know how I’m going to get there, but then I run into Paul.
“Hey Melody, do you need anything?” he asks so kindly. He’s so different from Louis, it’s jarring. I guess it’s somewhat true that if you’re going to really make it in this business, you have to be an asshole.
“Yeah, actually,” I nod. “Could you help get me to the hotel? I don’t want to get there and then not be allowed in their suite. Is that possible? I just… I need to get out of here.”
“Are you okay?” Paul asks, seeing the tears drying on my face and hearing the break in my voice.
“I’m fine,” I say quickly, cutting off any more of those questions. “I just need to get out of here.”
“Yeah, sure.” Paul nods slowly, like he’s not exactly sure if he can let me do this.
He pushes up his glasses and pulls out his phone, calling someone quickly.
“Hey, it’s Paul. Yes, quest number five needs to be transported to the hotel in On The Edge ’s vehicle.
They need to be escorted up to the room and granted full access.
Yes. Yes, it’s been personally allowed by Reis Mathers.
Yes. Okay, she’ll be there in twenty minutes. ”
Paul ends the call and puts his phone back into his pocket.
“A security guard is going to take you to the hotel. He’ll go in and get the key, then escort you up.
He’s also the security guard for the guys, Jerry—you’ll probably recognize him from London.
Do you have anything in the dressing room?
” he asks, gesturing with his head towards the hallway, and my heart lightens just a bit.
He’s being kind to me, non-judgemental and aside from the guys, I haven’t had that here.
“Thank you, Paul.”
“No problem, really.” He nods and grins before holding his hand out. “After you.”
I’m showered, moisturized, brushed and braided, curled into the big, puffy white sheets, finally closing my eyes. It feels like it’s been years since I slept well. In a bed. With no time limit.