40. CT
40
ct
Thanksgiving had come upon us quickly.
It had only been a little over a week since Dani’s accident, and every minute I spent apart from her was like having to learn how to breathe, each morning a struggle, each night a collage of torment would traipse through my brain.
I had little doubt that the grief I felt now at the loss of her would ever leave me. But I only had myself to blame.
I was pissed at myself. Pissed that I couldn’t get through my own head to tell her not to leave, enraged at the thought of her never coming back because of my issues, I was horrified at the thought that she would look at me and see a coward.
Even if it was an appropriate description.
I was up early this morning, spending the early light in the barn and giving Lady some extra attention. I was more than a little grateful that she was still here. Seeing her every day gave me a little boost of hope. Hope that because her pride and joy was still here, that she was just giving me space and time to get over myself. To work through the fears that still clung to me, even years later.
Though, I don’t know if I would ever be able to do that. I don’t know if I could work through something that has thus far refused to leave me.
Then again, ever since Dani reentered my life, I found myself less and less concerned with those fears.
For a moment, we were happy.
Losing Dani the first time hurt, but during the time when I lost my mom, the grief of it all was too much for me to dissect. I couldn’t go through one loss at a time, so I pushed myself to just lose everything at once.
I was a coward, and I deserved every moment of unhappiness I was dealing with because I couldn’t set myself aside and be there for the one person on this earth who I love more than anything.
I woke up in the morning feeling like crying because my apartment was now empty. I’d go shower and see her shampoo, her conditioner, her razor.
I was convinced I would never remove them, even if that made me pathetic. I couldn’t care less .
I’d go into the kitchen and find her favorite coffee mug that she brought over. “I want all my favorite things in the same place,” she had said, looking into my eyes and then kissing me.
Fuck. I’d really fucked it up.
I really didn’t want to do Thanksgiving dinner with everyone, but Graham and Quinn had already arrived and because Dad had extended the invitation, we were expecting Amelia from the lodge and her daughter, as well as the entire Montgomery clan from the bakery.
I head in to hear laughter coming from the living room. I survey the room before settling in with the group of them and pretending I am happy about it.
Alex is telling us something about school when the doorbell—which rarely gets rung—rings through the house, and Dad gets up to answer it.
When I hear a familiar voice, I’m up and out of my seat faster than you could say run. I turn down the hallway and see Dani’s aunt and all of her cousins, even Jax, who is gone most of the time. Behind them are Sandra and Earl.
My heart is in my throat as I wait for Dad to greet everyone, and I shake all the cousins’ hands, giving Luella a hug when she comes toward me and watch the rest of them file through the foyer into the kitchen, each carrying some dish or another.
Dani’s aunt comes up to me. “Aunt Didi,” I greet her warmly with a kiss on the cheek and a hug.
She pulls back with a smile and taps my cheek a little harder than friendly. “Oh, you sweet, dumb boy. How are you?”
I purse my lips together, ready to accept her comment, when Sandra pushes her sister out of the way.
“Now, only I get to give him grief, you know, it’s my daughter.” She eyeballs her sister, who does it right back.
She puts her hands on her hips. “Well, she’s my only niece. I get to fuss a little.”
Sandra rolls her eyes and turns to me. Her expression is sympathetic. “Honey, how are you?”
“I’m terrible,” I tell her honestly, lowering my voice. “Is she coming, too?” Even I can hear how hopeful I am, and Sandra’s eyes turn sadder than they were.
“No, hon, she couldn’t come. Just…couldn’t do it.” She shrugs, and then Earl pushes her into the house more.
With a cool detachment, he shakes my hand. “CT. ”
I’m not sure there’s a pain worse than hurting the love of your life, but if there is, it’s disappointing the people who you care for. Earl’s cold greeting has me wishing I could be anywhere but here, have reacted any other way than I did.
I grit my teeth behind their backs, and my eyes roll to the ceiling. I blink back the frustrated tears that spring forward.
There was nothing I wanted more than for Dani to be here right now. I shouldn’t be here with the entire family, plus the people she worked with, when she couldn’t even stomach the thought of seeing me.
My chest aches, and Dad pats me on the shoulder before joining our guests, clearly seeing that I need a moment.
I rub my hand over my heart and choke on the emotions that are running through me. I have to fix this.
Somehow.
I look toward the kitchen, where everyone is gathered, laughing and playing. The little girls in the room all converge—despite their age differences—and I have the strongest urge to just leave.
To walk out the front door and not stop until I’m on my knees begging for Dani’s forgiveness .
Only…it’s not enough.
I wish it were, but it’s not. She deserves more than just a standard apology. She deserves a man who isn’t hiding behind his grief and fear. Someone who isn’t running away when things get scary.
After another breath, I turn toward the kitchen and join the group, opting to stick to the cousins who—by some miracle—don’t hate me.
We all take turns walking dishes to the table and finding seats.
I find myself lost in thought, my mind working over ways to make Dani take me seriously and know that no matter what comes, even if she got sick or something tragic were to happen, I would never leave her side.
She wouldn’t be empathetic, not after I couldn’t say a fucking word to her before.
Earl and Graham are talking in the spots next to me, Earl being two seats down. “How is Henry doing lately? Keeping busy?”
“As far as I know, yeah. He’s got a buddy of mine working with him down in the city, taking over his projects down there so he can spend a little more time with Linda. Last I heard, he only had a couple projects right now, so he’s having a light winter. ”
“That’s good. We should all get together again soon,” Sandra chimes in, looking over at Cal.
Henry Blake owns a construction company that works all over Colorado. He is my buddy Warren’s dad and had hired Viv’s husband to work with him in the city, which is what Graham was referencing before. Henry and his wife Linda had also been good friends with my parents before Mom passed and would get together with Sandra and Earl and Didi. It was a tight-knit group.
We all were back in the day. It wasn’t ever just me and Dani. It was her, her cousins, her aunt, her parents, my parents, Graham. We’d all go to the horse shows when we could together. We’d all stay in the barn and talk and hang out. All us kids would play darts, card games, and go riding together. You name it, we did it.
When Mom passed, I pushed all of them away, but I hurt Dani the worst. I hurt her again when I couldn’t speak, couldn’t stand up for us.
I can’t keep doing this shit.
I can’t keep letting my fear override everything I feel for the woman I love.
When conversation continues around me, I lean closer to Graham .
“Hey, is Henry in town?” I whisper, trying not to draw anyone else’s attention. I don’t want anyone to know what I’m doing.
Graham frowns and thinks. “Uh, yeah. I think Warren and Jane are up at their place for Thanksgiving this year.”
“I have a favor to ask.”