CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
Avonlea – Now
I’m not sure whether that went well or not.
What would be the definition of “well” for this scenario anyway?
If there’s a manual for how to tell your estranged best friend—whom you loved as a teenager and maybe still do—that he’s been a father for more than a third of his life, I sure as hell wasn’t given a copy.
I make my way to the garden, and though I’m headed for the bench swing, I end up stopping at the tire. I wonder if it will hold me. If I sit here long enough, could it take me back in time?
I should go inside, search out Lennox, begin untangling this mess I’ve made. But a little bit of quiet might be prudent right now. To get my head on straight and my feelings sorted out so they don’t overwhelm him the way they are me.
Lennox. My heart aches for him in the same way it aches for Jamie.
For years I’ve justified my choices to myself.
But in light of today, there’s some pretty dark shadows cast on all those reasons and they feel less and less valid with each passing second.
I kept Lennox from Jamie, and Jamie has every right to be angry at me for that.
But I also kept Jamie from Lennox, and that might hurt even worse.
I’ve worked so hard to give Lennox everything he could possibly need.
He has had a loving family to grow up in and wanted for very little, yet the increase in his questions about his dad over the past few years just shows that he was missing something.
Something I couldn’t give him on my own, and fuck, that stings.
He’s been my everything for so long, and to know that deep down I couldn’t be everything to him hurts a little. I know it’s unfair; his desire to explore the other half of himself is natural, and instead of telling him the truth, I always put it off.
I had planned to tell him about Jamie eventually… I did. But it was never the right time, and now I’m out of time because there’s no way forward but through, and we’ll have to figure out what that looks like together. The way it should’ve been since the beginning.
“Mum?” Lennox’s voice is quiet and unsure. I look up and see him standing in the kitchen door, Angus and Aileen at his back with sad but encouraging smiles on their faces. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, bud. Want to take a walk with me?” I ask, thinking fresh air will lighten the blow of what I need to tell him.
“Okay.” He looks up at Aileen. “We can finish our game later?”
She nods. “Of course. Why don’t you two take the rest of the day off, head home. We’ve got everything covered here.”
I’m about to protest when Angus pipes in. “It’s okay, lass. We’ve got this. You two take the evening. We’ll see you tomorrow.”
There’s no arguing with him and I know it. “Alright. Go grab your bag, Lennox, and we can walk home. We’ll get the car tomorrow.”
He takes off like a shot. I hold my tongue, and with it the reminder that running through the kitchen is dangerous and not allowed, and walk over to Angus and Aileen.
“He’s in the cottage. He said he needs space, but that might just mean from me. I’m sorry to leave you guys to deal with the pub and everything…” I trail off and wave my hand toward the cottage and the man I left there.
“It’s alright. You focus on Lennox tonight. We’ll see to Jameson,” Angus says with more kindness than I deserve.
A thought occurs to me and I grimace. “I, uh, left a mess in your kitchen. I made shortbread, but then Jamie got back and I didn’t have a chance to clean up. I’m so sorry, I—”
“I’ll take care of it,” Aileen says. “It’s good for me to have something to busy my hands with in the evening anyway so I’m not just sitting around twiddling my thumbs.” She chuckles.
“Thank you,” I say, pulling her into a hug. “I don’t deserve you. Either of you.” I swap out Aileen for Angus and hug him as well.
“We’re family, lass, you don’t have to deserve us or earn our love. It’s just there. And it always will be,” he says, and I let myself believe him.
Goodness, why are they so good to me?
“Ready, Mum?” Lennox says from behind them, backpack on his shoulder, wellies on his feet.
“Aye. Let’s go,” I say with as much normalcy as I can manage.
Tugging him in against my side, we wave back to Angus and Aileen, and with one last glance toward the cottage, I think I catch a flash of auburn hair in the window. My lips tug up at the corners and I turn to my son, ready to finally tell him about the man I loved all those years ago.
We get to the street and Lennox pulls away, looking down at his feet.
How much did he pick up on today in all the chaos? Did he hear more than he let on?
He startles me when he blurts, “I think I made Jamie mad, but I don’t know what I did.”
His eyes go wide when he looks up after his little exclamation and then he bites his lip, something I tend to do when I’m upset too.
“You didn’t make him mad, bud.” My chest constricts. He’s got such a good heart.
“Are you sure? We were having fun at the desk and then… well, I found out his name is Jameson—did you know that?—and I told him that was my middle name and then he just kind of stormed off… Did I do something wrong?”
Ah, so that was the catalyst for the implosion of my carefully laid lies.
I shake my head and stop Lennox, squatting down in front of him so we can look each other in the eyes. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I did. And Jamie isn’t mad at you, buddy. He’s mad at me.”
“Why?” His blond brows draw down on his face as he looks at me, confused.
“Because I lied to him… about something really important.” I have to swallow the lump growing in my throat before it chokes me.
Damn, this is hard.
“I thought we weren’t supposed to lie,” Lennox says with so much innocence and sweetness it makes me want to cry.
“We aren’t. And this is why. It only ever hurts people in the end. In this case, it hurt Jamie and—” I blow out a breath. “It hurt you too.”
“What do you mean?” Lennox’s gaze bounces around my face.
“I lied to you too, in a way.”
“You did? About what?”
I stand and grab his hand, wondering if he’ll still let me hold it after I tell him. I start walking again and he follows, looking up at me with so many questions in his eyes.
“About who Jamie is. To me. To you.”
I lead Lennox up the front steps of our cottage and sit us down on the porch swing so he’s tucked against my side.
“Jamie is your dad, Lennox.”