Chapter 7
On the night before Christmas, Amanda lost herself in the soft sounds of the carols, as she moved from Silent Night into Oh Come All Ye Faithful, the piano keys familiar and yet…different. How long had it been since she’d played? Ages, it seemed, but the music was comforting.
Her mother had forced her and her sister Amelia—sometimes with dire threats of going without pudding—to practice music as girls, telling them gentlemen liked accomplished ladies.
It hadn’t worked.
Amanda had resisted every match her mother and brother had put to her, and Amelia had managed to land her own duke in her own way. Granted, her way involved a chicken and the fact they’d been in love for years, but still. It had worked.
And Amanda?
She knew the man she loved appreciated her music; he’d told her so in Italy, when she’d played for Her Majesty.
But that wasn’t the reason Hiro was hers.
He was hers because he was the only one who saw her for who she truly was, the only one who didn’t try to control her or tell her she wasn’t proper.
He’d spent three years at her side, rescuing her from her own folly, and allowing her to rescue him.
That was why she loved him.
But did he love her?
He hadn’t said so, but surely…
He’d called himself a whore.
Her right fingers slipped, the note turning discordant as she stared down at the ivory, unable to remember the correct positioning. Wondering if it mattered.
“Amanda,” came the soft call, and Amanda jerked her gaze up to see her sister-in-law Olivia gliding toward the piano. “Thank you for such wonderful accompaniment, but surely you are ready for some refreshments?”
Blinking, Amanda glanced around the sitting room.
This holiday season, her family had been delighted to welcome her to celebrate with them, and she suspected Olivia and Mother had made efforts to impress her. But where the Christmas season should have filled her heart with joy, Amanda’s chest just felt hollow.
Still, she dutifully plastered a smile on her lips and rose when Olivia gestured. “Is it teatime already?”
“You’ve been playing for quite some time, not that I’m complaining.” Olivia’s smile was supportive, as if she knew Amanda hadn’t quite embraced the holiday spirit, but wasn’t judging her. “Smithers has just brought the tea cart.”
“Smithers?” Amanda repeated, before she could catch herself.
“Hiro’s replacement,” her sister-in-law explained. “Older, and stuffier, but Benny has him wrapped around his smallest finger.”
Pretending that hearing Hiro’s name hadn’t caused a spike of pain in her chest, Amanda followed Olivia’s fond gaze to the rug in front of the tree, where her adorable—and as far as she was concerned, abnormally brilliant—nephew stretched on his back beside his father.
As she settled herself beside her sister-in-law, Amanda forced her attention to the here-and-now. “He is certainly ready for tonight’s visit from St. Nicholas, is he not?”
“Who, Alistair? Beyond a doubt—oh.” Olivia broke off with a little chuckle, as she leaned forward to pour. “You meant Benny, of course.”
“Well, I do have to admit I don’t remember my brother being quite so enamored with the trappings of Christmastime.
” Amanda watched her older brother—who’d been silent and distant for so much of her life—pointing at various special ornaments on the tree and humming along to his son’s constant chatter.
“I suppose having a child about makes the holiday more interesting.”
As Olivia handed her a cup—oh, she’d remembered the sugar, lovely—she smiled gently. “Yes, and we’re all delighted to have you here to experience it. Thank you for joining us.”
“Oh, well, I could hardly miss it, could I?”
The platitude sounded weak to Amanda’s ears, so she hid her wince with a sip of tea. It was brewed well…but not as perfectly as Hiro’s.
Do not think of him. Not now. Olivia will wonder about the tears.
They’d only just settled back against the sofa when Amelia burst through the door in her usual bundle of energy.
“Kip found a mama cat in the stables, Alistair, ready to pop. I had Smithers fetch her a box and we’ve installed her in the kitchens.
” She sighed happily as she plopped beside Amanda.
“Perhaps we will have kittens for Christmas tomorrow!”
“I’m not eating kittens,” intoned Olivia solemnly.
Amanda shrugged, playing along. “Oh, I do not know. Depending on how they are prepared, I can imagine—”
Her sister gave a shriek and playfully slapped Amanda’s leg, just as Benny began cheering, “Kitties! Kitties” and Alistair did his best to distract him.
Amanda’s smile was genuine as she leaned her shoulder against her sister’s. “I am teasing. I have never eaten a kitten.” That I know of. “But is that the accepted way to prepare for an imminent birth? A box in the kitchens? Should we have Kip arrange such a thing when your time grows near?”
As Amelia blushed happily, her hand dropping to her stomach, Olivia smirked. “Oh no, everyone knows it’s a manger in a stable, right?”
“Only for a Christmas birth,” Amelia pointed out.
“Only for a virgin birth,” Amanda quipped.
“Well, that leaves out Amelia,” sighed Olivia. “She’s nowhere near a virgin. Remind me to move her and Kip to the west wing next time so we don’t have to listen to the two of them carrying on—”
Amelia shrieked again, reaching for a pillow to throw at their sister-in-law, as Amanda and Olivia dissolved into giggles.
She was glad she’d come to Effinghell for Christmas this year; being with Amelia and Olivia was like old times. But…
But it was impossible to deny that she was lonely. And, if she was being honest with herself, a bit jealous.
She watched the heated look Alistair sent his wife, even as their heir did his best to stand on his father’s face. She saw the way Amelia held Kip’s hand whenever they were together. And yes, she’d heard the pair of them expressing their love, more than once.
More than twice, come to think of it.
And Amanda was jealous.
She was jealous of her own siblings.
Not because they’d found love, but because they could show it so freely.
She loved Hiro, but their love was secret, quiet. Behind closed doors, only, and then as silent as possible.
She wanted to scream his name, she wanted to hold his hand. She wanted him to be welcome here at her family’s Christmas, and she wanted to be welcome in his home.
She wanted a home.
Yes, that was it. She wanted to build a home with him.
But he didn’t.
He thought himself a whore.
Her eyes fluttered closed as her heart clenched yet again, and her teacup rattled in its saucer.
Was she only a job to him?
No.
No, she knew that wasn’t the case. She knew he had feelings for her, but were they as deep as hers for him? Why wasn’t he willing to throw propriety to the wind and love her the way she wanted to love him?
Because he loves your brother too much.
Yes, that was it. She’d accused him of thinking of Alistair whenever they’d made love, but it was more than that; he was Alistair’s friend, but didn’t think himself worth as much. Hiro had taught Alistair to walk again, taught him to be the Duke he was… Alistair owed everything he was to Hiro.
And Hiro didn’t see it.
“Amanda?” Olivia whispered.
Amanda opened her eyes to see that Amelia had joined Benny and Alistair on the rug in front of the tree, and was telling the lad enthusiastic stories about their childhood Christmases, since Alistair still preferred not to speak.
It was just the two of them on the sofa now, and from the way her sister-in-law was watching her with sympathetic eyes, Olivia knew something was wrong.
“Thank you,” she whispered, and Amanda was taken aback.
“For what?” she asked, leaning forward to place her tea on the small table, hoping her actions hid her distraction.
But her sister-in-law reached for her hand. “For being here. With us. When we know you would much rather be somewhere else.”
Thinking of all the holidays she’d missed, Amanda shook her head as she shifted to face Olivia, and said with all sincerity, “I am right where I’m supposed to be. With my family. I love you all.”
“Yes, but not everyone you love is here.”
Amanda reared back, lips parting, but uncertain what to say.
And Olivia nodded ruefully. “Alistair misses him too, you know.”
“Who?” Amanda croaked.
“Hiro,” the other woman whispered. “His best friend. The only man he trusted enough to look out for you. The man he’s been sending money to for years to make certain you are safe and happy and having the adventures you deserve to have.”
Amanda stared in surprise.
Olivia’s lips curled upward slowly. “Oh, don’t say you haven’t figured it out?”
“We…” Amanda licked her lips and tried again. “We cannot all be newspaper investigators.”
“Yes, well, Alistair isn’t fond of me actively investigating anymore these days, but I like to think the instinct is still strong.
” She leaned closer, until her shoulder was mere inches from Amanda’s.
“But this took no investigation, my dear. Your brother loves you, and desperately wants you to be happy. If that means gallivanting around the world, then he would happily pay his best friend to make it happen.”
Alistair had paid Hiro to keep her happy. But…not the way Hiro had insinuated.
“I love him,” she whispered, the confession slipping out before she could think better of it.
But instead of being scandalized, Olivia squeezed her hand. “We thought as much. And hopefully he loves you?”
Did he?
Amanda didn’t know.
She needed a way to show Hiro what he meant to her, and to her family. She needed him to see that they could still be together.
Over on the rug, Amelia was trying to teach Benny the words to one of their favorite Christmas carols.
“No, no, love. Seven swans a-swimming. It’s the lords who leap!”
And an idea—a wild, ridiculous idea—settled in Amanda’s mind.
She met her sister-in-law’s gaze and spoke the words which would seal her future: “I need a fruit basket.”