Chapter 16 #2
After checking that we were alone, Lukas took me over to one of the couches in front of the fireplace and sat me down. Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he sat down next to me. I tried to mentally prepare myself for what he was undoubtedly going to show me.
He looked at me. “We don’t have to do this.”
I stared at his phone, which he had face down on the coffee table. I hadn’t been on social media in years. Eloise occasionally showed me funny videos or posts, but overall my online presence had been null for years now.
The first time I’d seen a video mocking the accident, I knew it was only going to get worse, and it did. And I spiraled. And then I deleted it all. Now I had the group chat, and that was about it.
“You say the word, and we won’t do this. But someone should have sat down with you and shown you what actually happened. Maybe you wouldn’t have been left to blame yourself for the last year and half.”
With a shaking hand, I reached out and flipped his phone over. He’d already cued up the video and my brain was suddenly back there—the music playing, skates gliding over ice…
Lukas gently takes the phone from my hand and grabs my hand with his other one, holding it tight. He uses his thumb to press play, and the song moves from my brain to my ears and I hold my breath and watch.
I know when the lift is coming.
I close my eyes.
Lukas ends the video.
“Again,” I whisper and force my eyes back open.
This time I make it to the actual lift—see Asher hoist me into the air before I squeeze my eyes shut, my heart beating a wild rhythm in my chest.
“Aimee, we can stop.”
“No. Again,” I said.
He rewinds the video, and this time I don’t shut my eyes.
I don’t shut my eyes as the video replays in slow motion, and then in even slower motion. And tears blur my vision and slip down my cheeks.
“Do you see?” Lukas whispered. “He caught you. He did what any good partner would do.”
He wasn’t wrong.
My trajectory had been head first. I would have come right down on my face, it would have snapped my head back, resulting in death if I was lucky enough.
My feet would have been bent back over my head, but Asher spun me, flipped me just enough that I came down almost feet first. I felt the phantom pain of my knee cracking into the ice, I rubbed it absentmindedly.
“There was a groove in the ice that everyone missed, and his skate hit it wrong—that was the stumble. The stumble threw both of you out of balance, and there was no way to correct it in time. So, he did whatever he could do to make sure you made it out alive.”
I closed my eyes as the tears leaked out, the image of his head snapping against the ice replaying in my mind.
“It wasn’t your fault. You both executed the lift perfectly, but it was a flaw in the ice that was the problem. Not your choice to do the lift, not Asher’s agreement, or Brennan’s.”
I wiped at the tears and sat there, staring at the blank screen of his phone.
“Literally nothing you did was the cause of the accident. He saved your life and he would want you to not blame yourself,” he said. “I don’t understand why no one thought to show you this—show you what happened.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, shame coated my insides.
“No one besides my therapist knows that I feel like it’s my fault. Maybe they assume or guess how I’m feeling, but I’ve never told them.”
“Not even your best friend?”
I shook my head.
“On-only my therapist—” I paused and looked at him. “And you.”
The fire crackled in front of us. Half his face was cast in flickering orange warmth. He let out a long breath and I can’t tell if he’s disappointed in me. I didn’t want him to be, but it felt like I’d just let him down, and once again I felt like breaking.
I can’t stop the slight tremor that started in my hands. I clench them where they rest in my lap and hope he won’t notice.
“I-I think my friends tried to show it to me once, but I just muted the chat and ran away from it. The early days are kind of fuzzy. My family was probably tired, too, but back then…after? I didn’t care, the guilt was so much, so heavy.”
Lukas reached over and tucked a loose piece of hair behind my ear. “I can’t imagine what you went through,” his voice soft and low.
The tears burned and prickled in the corners of my eyes.
“It feels like you’re mad at me.” I whispered, terrified of being that vulnerable with him.
Lukas wasted no time, and suddenly I was being drawn across his lap, my thighs straddling his. Heat suffused my cheeks, and his hands came to the sides of my face. He tilted my head, so that I was looking right at him and keeping me from ducking out of his line of sight.
“I want you to hear me. Nothing, and I mean nothing you do will make me mad at you or be upset with you.” His thumbs brushed over my cheeks.
“I’m upset for you. Mad for you…literally,” he winked, and I blushed harder.
“But you having complicated feelings for something that was out of your control? Something that completely changed your life? It wouldn’t be fair to be mad at you because of that.
That would make me a pretty shitty person. ”
Silent tears were slipping down my cheeks, but he still managed to get a chuckle out of me.
“And we’ve already established that I’m just a bumbling buffoon who knows slightly too much about the girl he’s crazy about.”
It was my turn to touch him. My fingers traced along his jaw.
“My own personal white knight stalker…”
“I’ll get a shirt made.”
I laughed, and he grinned.
I thought that maybe he was the most perfect just like this.
I hadn’t realized just how close I’d gotten and he was right there—even though I was perched on his lap.
And I kept finding myself touching him, reveling in the feel of his skin under mine.
His eyes never left mine as I traced his features, a shiver rolling through him when they trailed down his neck.
I…I think I could get lost in him. I didn’t think there would be anyone after Asher, but Lukas…
I was starting to hope for something. He must’ve seen something flicker over my face, behind my eyes.
“How are you feeling?” he asked, his gaze searching for mine.
“Okay.”
“Aimee, about what you said before…” He trailed off.
I put my fingers over his lips, interrupting him before he could continue his thought.
I found myself focused on the feel of his lips under my fingers.
“I don’t think I’ll ever wholly not blame myself.
I tend to shoulder a lot, I know this about myself.
And it’s going to take a long time to break that habit.
” I took a breath, coming back into focus.
“After the accident…the world was not kind. People suck. They’re mean and when tragedy happens, they find someone to blame.
People either looked at me with accusation written all over their face, or pity and both made me feel terrible.
So incredibly small and at fault. Then the notifications started rolling in—social media made everything so much worse.
I…I never tried anything, but there were definite times where I just wanted it to all stop. ”
I drew in a shaky breath, and watched as Lukas pressed his lips into my fingers. I hadn’t realized I’d left them there.
“I spent so many days just lying in my room, blinds shut, blankets pulled up over my head, sleeping and not talking. And then, I would see something that would remind me, and all the feelings would come rushing back. I aggravated my knee on multiple occasions and set my recovery time back each time. I was in a really dark place for a really long time.”
“And now?” he asked, his voice soft as he reached for my hand, moving it and pressing his lips against the center of my palm before pulling it away from his face.
His fingers were soft and gentle as he slowly fitted our hands together. They were strong and his palm warm. And I found that I liked it—the feeling of his hand in mine.
“It’s gotten better, but before we came here, things were feeling a bit dark again. My parents thought a change of scenery might help.”
I stared at the places our hands touched and a little thought wiggled into my mind. Sidetracking me.
Lukas shifted closer, and I bit my lower lip as he inadvertently pressed against me.
My heart beat a little faster and those butterflies flitted and fluttered up a storm, but the guilt never reared its head.
Lukas had lifted something from me in showing me the video.
Was I truly ready? Could liking Lukas, a guy I barely know be the right move? Was it just another way to numb myself?
“Aimee,” he breathed out.
Was this the right moment to play out the thoughts streaming through my head?
The way I wanted him to kiss me senseless should have me concerned.
I barely knew him, and he was a mess when we first met.
But all I really wanted was for him to wrap me in his arms, to feel his hands pressed firmly and then skating up my back to haul me ever closer.
To feel his breath on my lips, his lips pressing down, claiming, taking.
I wanted his hands tangled in my hair, I wanted mine trailing all over his body, anchoring him to me.
He moved slowly, his fingers coming to my chin and he tilted my face up. My gaze raised and met his, and the heat burning there and the desire.
His other hand was still wrapped around mine, and he tugged me closer in a move I didn’t see, but felt as my body pressed into his.
His hand moved from my chin, my breaths became shallow as he slid around.
His thumb pressed into my jaw, and his fingers snaked and tangled their way into the hairs on my nape.
And yes. Oh, God. Yes.
I wanted him to kiss me.
“Lukas,” I whispered, my voice unable to go louder.
The heat in his eyes deepened, and the world fell away as he leaned in and angled my head to gain better access. I could feel his breath on my lips, the heat radiating off of him, and I wanted him to move faster, kiss me senseless.
His lips were almost on mine, the guilt was gone, no thoughts besides this impending moment crossed my mind.
And then, the door burst open behind us, and I jumped.
“Oh my God. I’m sorry,” Eloise shrieked.