Chapter 39
Callie
“Were you busy yesterday or did you just decide to ignore my text messages about needing an urgent meeting with you?” Ellen folds her arms passive aggressively and lifts her eyebrows high on her forehead. I breathe a heavy sigh and turn away from her. “Both…”
“Callie, I don’t find you funny,” she huffs with exasperation. I don’t know what she has to be exasperated about though, I”m the one treading water with these shitty routines, battling at each competition and barely keeping it together. I’ve managed to nab a few decent scores this season but I”m usually the highest scorer on the team, that’s why I was made captain in the first place.
I pad across the floor, Ellen’s annoyingly uniform footsteps following me to the beam where I mount and sit, legs hanging astride it.
“Are you going to let me talk now or just walk off in a sulk?” Ellen sighs, eyebrows still lost in her hairline.
“I’m not in a sulk, I just want to practice.” I say, chalking my hands and getting ready to swing my legs behind me and start the routine from hell. Ellen clears her throat and I let my legs hang loose again, sighing loudly. “Yeah?”
“I don’t care for your tone Callie, this is important.” She waits for me to object but I’d rather get her rambling over with so I can ignore her for the rest of the day. “I’m changing your routines.”
My breath catches in my throat and I croak, “You’re what?”
Ellen nods with a hint of fake empathy for a second before hardening her features again. “The routines I gave you just aren’t bringing in the scores I expect from you so I”ve decided to change them all.”
“I…I can’t…” I try to speak but my throat is tightening by the second, stopping the oxygen from seeping into my lungs and the sensation is causing the panic to build even more. She can’t do this, she can’t change my routines just when I”m getting to grips with them. I’ve only just managed to crack them enough so I can compete and get decent points for the team and now she’s going to change them? Half way through the season? I swear this woman hates my guts.
I try to suck in a breath but my lungs fight against me, trying to suffocate me silently. Anais’ hand lands on my shoulder and the sound around me turns muffled. Anais is shaking me, yelling something I can’t hear properly. All I can think about is breathing, which I can’t fucking do. I grab at my throat, clawing and trying to rip a hole in it so I can get even a tiny sliver of air into my now shrivelled up lungs.
“She’s having a panic attack, I used to have them as a kid.” I hear Lois fire out, the girls are around me, shaking me, their voices breathy with stress as they chant over and over again, telling me to breathe. I wish I could scream at them that I”m trying, I just can’t open my throat enough to get any air in and my heart is pumping faster than ever, using up any oxygen I do have.
Anais’ face is in front of mine, her eyes flickering with fear. “Get Sean!” She yells, gesturing for Lois to run and fetch the only person I can bear to think about right now.
Breathe Callie, breathe.
I try to talk myself out of this but it’s not that easy apparently, I need something…someone.
“My brother Sean?” Lois’ muffled voice asks, confusion clouding her tone. And why wouldn’t she be confused, she has no idea that Sean is my boyfriend and that we’ve been seeing each other for months now. Jesus, my head is throbbing.
Anais sighs roughly. “Yes, just go and get him now!”
She’s running out of patience just as quickly as I”m running out of air. I don’t know how I haven’t passed out yet, having felt like I can’t take a proper breath for the last few minutes I was sure I’d be dead by now. I suck in a couple of sharp gulps but they do nothing to dull the aching tension in my chest as my own body suffocates me in panic. I close my eyes, imagining Sean’s voice in my head telling me to relax and breathe… then, I really hear him. His voice is strained, panicked as he hauls my leg over the beam and stands in-between my open thighs.
His hands are on my face, his voice muffled but steady as he begs, “Callie, look at me!”
I peel my eyes open, sure that I”m imagining him being here or maybe I have finally died and gone to a Sean filled heaven with ice cream and endless sex. But his chocolate eyes find me and I realise I”m not dead, he’s really here, holding my face in his warm hands and breathing his peppermint breath onto my lips.
“Hey, I”m here, it’s ok.” He murmurs as I continue to fight with the air around me, dragging it into my throat and trying to swallow it down. I shake my head, twisting my fingers into the curls at the nape of Sean”s neck, feeling like I might float away at any moment.
Sean’s damp forehead lands on mine softly and I force myself to hold his gaze. “Deep breaths baby, deep breaths.” I try, pulling the air in and holding it there for a moment. “That’s it,” Sean says softly, “and again, in…and out.” I do as he says, clawing the oxygen in and forcing it to stay, waiting inside my lungs before blowing it back out. “Good girl, that’s it,” I can feel my heartbeat slowing, my throat loosening and the sound around me coming back, the cotton wool in my ears dissolving and making the gym sound extra loud, even though everyone in it is dead silent apart from Sean, who is still coaxing me through deep breathing.
“Callie, I”m sorry, I didn’t mean—” Ellen starts but Sean silences her with a threatening, protective glare.
“No,” he hisses, “don’t fucking talk to her.” His eyes are red with rage and his hand tightens around my back as he moulds me to his chest. “This is your fault.”
“Sean,” I squeak, pulling his face back to mine with my still shaky hand. He leans his forehead on mine again and whispers, “It’s ok baby, I”m here.” I wrap my dangling legs around his middle, burying my face in his neck and letting him lift me up to his waist. “I can’t do it Sean…I just…I can’t.” “I know,” he says, his voice smooth and comforting like my morning coffee. “Don’t worry, we’re going home.”
I snap my head up from his shoulder. “I can’t go home I have to—” his finger lands on my rattling mouth, silencing me and forcing me to swallow the words I was about to say.
“We’re going home Callie, this isn’t good for you. Either you walk or I’ll carry you…your choice.”
He’s not fucking around, I can tell by the way his face flattens, expressionless and authoritative.
I huff and shuffle down his body, letting him win this particular battle because the truth is I really want to go home and sleep. My brain is exhausted from the mental load I”ve been carrying and with a bomb like the one Ellen just dropped on me I don’t think I can take anymore, not today anyway. Sean takes my hand and leads me across the gym to my locker where he punches in the code and collects my bag, swinging it over his shoulder.
“Erm, hold on.” Lois snaps just before Sean and I reach the door to leave. “Care to explain what the hell is going on here?”
Sean beats me to a response. “Conversation for another time Lo,” he pulls me out the door after him as I throw a ‘I”m sorry I didn’t tell you’ frown at Lois.
I feel bad for keeping our relationship from her but she’s one of my closest friends and I know she looks up at me as a captain. I never wanted her to see me differently or to think I”ve turned into some puck bunny. These are the times I wish I could be more like Sean, not care about people’s opinions of me and just do what I want to do without fear of judgment. But I”m not like that and I don’t think I ever will be.