Chapter 21
NIKKI
Just let me play with you.
His words are erotic and also heart-melting.
With the fatigue of our hike, the wine, the warmth of the bath, and the sensuousness of the massage, I feel like I’m floating.
After all the physical activity today, it feels so good to just let go, to let my head empty.
To let Marek take over. I want to watch him because he’s beautiful, but my eyes drift closed as I fall into sensation, and as I give myself over to it, I begin to drift on a dark, erotic cloud.
Floating, unaware of anything but my own body and Marek’s hands and mouth and the sensations he’s causing, I let out soft little noises of pleasure. Nothing else exists, just this moment, just these feelings and the knowledge that Marek knows how to make me feel so good.
I get lost in it, in the sensations flowing over and through my body, his fingers starting a buzzing inside me, low in my belly, igniting every nerve ending and intensifying into a bonfire flaring inside me.
He takes me up, higher, so high, to an exquisite sharp peak of pleasure-pain. Then he pulls back, kisses my mouth and licks my throat. I gasp for air. “Keep going,” I beg, and he chuckles.
He moves over me and sinks into me, one achingly sweet thrust after another, sensation building and building. Pleasure expands inside me and he takes me up again, flying into a bright, piercing, almost unbearable bliss.
He groans into my ear as I slowly float back to earth.
This man. I fell for him that night in Vegas, so fiercely, so fast. I never really got over him. But now… I can’t do that again. Not now. Maybe not ever.
* * *
The next morning, we go to a yoga class.
Marek surprises me by telling me that he’s done yoga before; for a while the team had a yoga instructor who worked with them before practices.
I’ve been to yoga classes, too, although not for a long time.
But we easily follow the instructor through the different poses, and I’m surprised at how good I feel after.
Doing something physical and being mindful seems to be a positive thing.
I didn’t even realize how much tension I was holding in my body until last night when I was so tired from our hike and stressed about the snow and then soaked in a hot bath, had an even hotter massage, and then world-altering sex.
The incredible relaxation afterward was almost shocking, and now after yoga class I feel it again.
Marek has to get something from his car, so I go back to the cottage by myself and make another cup of coffee. I sit at the dining table with my mug and a blueberry muffin.
When Marek returns, I choke on my muffin at seeing him. “What is that?”
“You know what it is, Nikki.” He sets the guitar case on the table.
Yes. I do. That was a stupid question. But I’m a little stupefied. “Why did you do this?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. I think music would be good for you. I haven’t heard you sing at all.”
I stare at the case. He’s correct. I haven’t sung since the concert hall roof collapsed. That’s probably the longest period of time in my life I’ve gone without singing. What’s the point?
I stand up and bolt to the bedroom.
“Nikki.”
I ignore Marek and close the door behind me then sit on the bed, fingers twisting together. I don’t even know what I’m feeling. It could be panic. I also think I’m angry. Marek shouldn’t have done that!
There’s also sadness mixed in there, because… I do miss music. And my music career is over. And that’s really fucking sad. And… I’m afraid.
But what am I afraid of? A guitar? That’s ridiculous.
As I sit there, I’m anticipating the fast heartbeat, shallow breathing, and dizziness of a panic attack. But it doesn’t happen. My brain is a jumble of thoughts and feelings and my stomach is knotted… but I’m not melting down.
I jump to my feet and pace over to the window to stare out. Everything is blue and white—the sky, the snow—so bright it’s blinding. I turn away and stalk back across the room.
A soft knock on the door has my head turning. “Nikki,” Marek calls softly. “Talk to me.”
“I’m pissed at you!” I shout, then scrunch up my face and let my head fall back.
He doesn’t answer.
“You shouldn’t have done that!” I cry. “It’s not up to you!”
It’s not. It’s my life. My choice. Nobody gets to make decisions for me.
Mom and Dad assume I’m going to go back to touring, but they haven’t pushed it.
I didn’t like it when Blake pushed. Harper’s been prodding me, too, although her approach is a little softer than Blake’s.
And now Marek. The one person I’ve felt safe with. It’s like… a betrayal.
My chest aches and I sit on the bed again, dropping my head forward. Why did he have to do that?
And now what do I do? I want to get out of here. But we’re supposed to stay a few more days. This afternoon we planned to go to a couple of wineries, then have dinner at an amazing restaurant in Afton. Tomorrow we were going to go snowshoeing and spend the afternoon at the hammam.
I pout.
The door opens. Marek pokes his head in. “Are you okay?”
I glare at him. “No. I’m mad.”
“I get that.” He grimaces. “And I’m sorry.”
“I want to go home.”
His face falls. “Really?”
I slump. “No.”
“Talk to me. Tell me what you’re mad about.”
I let out an exhalation strong enough to sail a boat.
He approaches, sits next to me, and takes one of my hands in his. “What’s going on?” he asks softly. “My bringing your guitar upset you.”
“Yeah.” My throat clogs. I sigh again. “I’m afraid.”
“What are you afraid of?”
I swallow thickly. “I’m afraid… I can’t do it.”
“I think you can do anything. But I’m not going to force you to play the guitar or sing. I knew it was risky, bringing it. I wasn’t sure how you’d react. I’m sorry I upset you.”
I drop my gaze to his hand holding mine. His big, strong hand, with long, lean fingers. “I’m not having a panic attack.”
“That’s a good thing.”
“Yeah. I think the yoga helped. Or maybe all the orgasms.”
He chokes out a laugh. “Orgasms are good for stress relief.”
I smile reluctantly. “I felt betrayed,” I say. “I felt safe with you. And you did that.”
He blows out an exhalation. “Shit. I’m sorry. I want you to always feel safe with me.”
I nod without looking at him.
He lifts my hand to his mouth and presses a kiss there. “I should have checked with you. Or minded my own business.”
That gives me a stabby feeling in my chest. I suck on my bottom lip. I want to agree that he should have minded his own business, but… that doesn’t feel right. We are each other’s business now.
Oh, hell. I can’t let this happen. After this trip, I have to get away from Marek, to protect myself. I’m a big mess and that’s the last thing he deserves.