Chapter 28
MAREK
Mabel has invited me to dinner at their place tonight.
It’s cool having her so close, and Benny’s my best buddy, so we do that on the reg.
It’s always casual. I bring a bottle of wine and some beer, she cooks a great dinner, and then we hang around watching TV or yakking.
Tonight, dinner is beef stroganoff and noodles.
I sit at the counter while she cooks and Benny helps her. I watch her stir full fat sour cream into the stroganoff. “That’s a lot of calories,” I remark.
“Yes.” She nods. “You need them.”
I frown.
“You’ve lost weight, haven’t you?”
Shit. “Yeah. A few pounds.”
“More like ten. That’s a lot for you.”
I narrow my eyes at her. “You’re trying to fatten me up?”
She grins. “Yes. I’m also putting butter on the noodles.”
“Jesus.” It sounds delicious, actually. “Okay, fine.”
“So is the weight loss because you’re heartbroken?” she asks.
“Heartbroken,” I scoff, then sigh.
“I’m sorry,” she says gently. “You gave up on Nikki way too easily.”
My eyes bulge. “What the fuck?”
She shrugs and dumps a package of noodles into a pot of boiling water. “I said what I said.”
“I asked her to stay! She left!” I remind her.
Benny’s listening to this with an expression that’s both concerned and weirdly amused.
“Yeah, but she said you could see how things went and maybe you could be together.”
“How do you know that?”
“I’ve kept in touch with her.”
“Fuck me.” I shake my head.
“What? We’re friends.”
Mabel makes friends with anyone and everyone, so this isn’t surprising. I stare into my beer, then say, “How is she doing?”
“It sounds like she’s doing well. Making progress. She’s been going for therapy.”
“Oh.” I blink. “That’s good. I tried to suggest that once and she wasn’t enthused about the idea.”
“Well, I guess when you’re at a point where you feel like you’ve lost everything, it’s worth a shot.”
Lost everything?
We eat at the dining table in front of the big windows of their place, which is almost identical to mine in layout, just decorated differently. I tell them about the hospital visit, not mentioning my slight anxiety.
Mabel gets choked up when I tell her Will’s story. “That poor little boy. Sometimes life is so unfair.”
“No shit. But he’s a brave kid.”
When we’re done eating, Mabel picks up her phone. “Hey. Listen to this.” She swipes and taps at the screen and then music plays from the phone.
I look at Benny. He smiles. I frown but sit back in my chair to listen to the opening notes of the song—slow, soft piano notes. At the first line of lyrics, I recognize Nikki’s voice and I straighten and focus on the music.
The song is beautiful. The arrangement is minimalistic; it’s mostly Nikki’s voice, expressing feelings of longing and loss and love. Goose bumps rise over my skin as I listen, and my heart trips into an uneven rhythm.
You’re in the silence, in the rain,
In every dream I can’t explain.
Though you’re far away, one truth remains…
I’m still yours, though we’re worlds apart,
I still feel you in my heart.
Even if everything means letting go.
I look up and meet Mabel’s eyes. She’s watching me.
“This is new,” I say. “I’ve never heard it before.”
She nods.
Even if forever means letting go,
You’re the only love I’ll ever know.
I’m still yours… just so you know.
No matter where this road may go,
I’m still yours… just so you know.
An ache builds at the back of my throat. When the song ends, I can’t say anything for a minute. Then I ask, “Where did you get that?”
“Spotify.”
“She released a new song?”
“Yes. Just today.”
“Wow. That’s… great.”
“It’s called ‘No Matter Where.’”
My vision blurs, taking all this in.
“It’s about you, Marek.”
I snap back to attention, frowning at Mabel. “What?”
“She loves you. Do you still love her?” I don’t answer right away, and she shakes her head. “Never mind. Of course you do. You’re mourning for her. You’re irritable, you’re losing weight.”
“But I’m playing fantastic hockey,” I joke.
“You are,” Benny agrees. “I kinda wish you were happier about it, though.”
I roll my eyes. “Happiness is overrated.”
Mabel’s mouth drops open. “What? You’re all about happiness! You fuck around with women and never get serious and your whole life has been fun and games. You literally make your living playing a game.”
I lower my chin at her passionate response.
“You know what your problem is?” she demands. “You never have to work at anything.”
My forehead constricts. “What are you talking about?”
Her jaw sets and she takes a deep breath. “Everything comes easy for you. And ever since your accident when you were eighteen, you’ve been coddled and spoiled.”
My jaw sags open. “What?”
“It’s true.” She takes another breath but holds my gaze. “Mom and Dad… and, well, me… we were all so freaked out about what happened to you, we never let you lift a finger after that.”
“That is not true.”
“It is true. Think about it. I know you had a hard time recovering so you maybe didn’t even realize how much they were doing for you.
But even after you recovered and you were getting back into hockey, they were driving you around and talking to your coaches and your profs, and making sure you weren’t overdoing things, helping you move, making sure you got therapy, and…
there’s more.” She waves a hand. “And even though you’d missed most of that season, you still got signed with the Storm that year and played in the AHL the next year.
On top of that, women are always all over you, and you just use them. ”
I make a strangled noise.
“You never want anything from them except fun. You charm them into your bed and then dump them.”
I swivel my gaze to Benny as if I want him to intervene with all this bullshit. He says nothing. “That isn’t exactly how I see it,” I grit out.
“Of course it isn’t. You charm everyone into doing what you want,” she continues. “You’re Mr. Fun. And it’s a good thing you’re talented at hockey because if you’d had to work harder at that you might not be where you are.”
“The fuck,” I mutter, rubbing my face.
“I know that accident was traumatic for you and it made you want to live life in the moment, and I guess relationships are scary because of that, because sure, it’s scary knowing someone you love could be taken away from you at any minute. But come on, Marek, you should be over that by now.”
Jesus. Now she’s going on about me being afraid of relationships.
“So now, you’ve found a woman you actually want a relationship with,” she continues, speaking in a rush. “And things aren’t that easy. Because that’s how it goes. And you just give up!”
“That’s not what happened.” I glare at her.
“Isn’t it?”
“No!” I nearly shout the word. I suck air into my lungs and let it out. “She needed to move on with her life.”
“Because her parents shamed her into it.”
My mouth hangs open again. “Her parents?”
“They came to see her. When you were on a road trip. Okay, it was the day before she left.”
“She didn’t tell me that,” I say slowly.
“She didn’t?” Mabels forehead creases. “Really?”
“Really.” I jerk my head to one side.
“Hmmm. Okay. Anyway, I guess they wanted to know how she was doing, but they put the pressure on her because she wasn’t doing anything.”
“She was recovering from a fucking catastrophe,” I snap.
“I know that,” she says. “We all know that. But they thought she should be right back working. And she felt guilty for letting them down and she decided she needed to go back to L.A. and try to get her life back together.”
“She was all packed up when I got back from the trip.”
Mabel sighs and her eyes turn sympathetic.
“I did try. I told her I didn’t want her to go.
I told her I want a real relationship with her.
And yeah, she said she’d see how things went.
” I scowl. “That wasn’t enough for me. I spent basically a whole year miserable as fuck hoping she’d eventually want to see me again.
After the All Star game I thought we’d get together again, at some point.
It never happened. She told me…” I search back through my memories for what she’d said. “She was too busy, basically.”
“I think you could have tried harder when she left to go back to Los Angeles.”
“I did try,” I say again, even though deep down inside I know she’s right. I didn’t try very hard. “She already rejected me once.” I make a face. “Actually, twice. I didn’t want to get kicked in the nuts again.”
Mabel drops her head forward. Benny reaches out and rubs her back. Like she’s the one who needs comforting right now. Jesus. She sits like that for a moment. “Okay, I get that. I get trying to protect yourself. But when you try to protect yourself, sometimes you end up hurting people you love.”
I make a dismissive noise.
“Seriously,” she says. “Remember I didn’t want anyone to know about how Julian was treating me. I didn’t want you all to see me as weak and helpless.”
I stare at her.
“I didn’t realize at the time that I was robbing you all of the chance to help me. You were mad at me for that.”
Shit. I exhale heavily. She’s not wrong. “I… don’t think I hurt her.”
“Oh my God. Did you listen to that song? It’s about you. It’s about how much she wanted you even though she thought you couldn’t be together.”
“Now she realizes it,” I mutter.
“No. She wrote that song last year.”
I stiffen. “No.”
“Yes. It was going to be part of her album, but she left it out because it felt too personal.”
The apartment does a slow spin around me. I close my eyes against the dizziness. The disorientation.
“She loves you,” Mabel says again.
Can that be true? She wrote that song last year? When she was too busy to answer my texts? “Then why is she there and I’m here? Then why didn’t she tell me that? What are we even doing?”
“Is she worth working for?” Mabel pins me with a hard stare. “Or not?”
I sit there for a minute, then push away from the table. “Thanks for dinner,” I mutter.
“Hey!” Mabel yells behind me. “Balls just called! They’d like to know if you want a pair!”
I pause at the door. “Hilarious.” Then I stride out.
I’m getting pretty sick of being called a coward.
Down in my own condo, I pace back and forth in front of the windows, the lights of Manhattan across the river creating a floor-to-ceiling piece of glowing art.
Is she worth working for? Jesus fucking Christ. She’s worth everything.
Nothing of value comes quickly. You have to work at it.
Nikki said that. That was why she worked so hard at her music. It was important to her.
I scrub my hands over my face. Mabel just dumped a whole lotta shit on me and I don’t know what to do with it.
She loves you.
Well, maybe so, but she still left me to go to L.A.
She felt guilty for letting them down.
Shit. Why couldn’t her parents have come to see her when I was around?
I would’ve made sure they didn’t lay a guilt trip on her.
I know how important it is to her to make them happy.
To make them proud of her. She thinks that accident was her fault.
She thinks she let them down because of that. What a load of bullshit.
That song…
I grab my phone and open the music app. What was it called…? “No Matter Where.” I find it and start playing it.
Christ, hearing her voice so close is such a beautiful pain. I grip my phone as I listen. She’s fucking amazing.
“No matter where this road may go, I’m still yours… just so you know.”
I sit on the couch and listen to the song over and over, probably about a hundred times. I close my eyes as a corkscrew twists into my heart.
I think about her and all the cute, silly, sweet moments with her. Wanting to adopt a dog on the spot. Running in terror from a witch ghost. Naming her sourdough starter. Making me laugh even though she was hurting inside.
I swipe at my wet face with my hands. Christ.
There’s something about music. It tells a story in a unique language and gives your feelings a place to take shape when you might not even know what your feelings are.
This song might be sad, but it’s also hopeful and lovely, and it lets me feel the emotions inside me.
It’s a fucking messy stew of emotions right now.
And when music speaks truth, something we relate to—wanting something or someone you can’t have, the aching yearning of it—it hits harder.
What if… what if I could have her? What if I could give myself to her? So she didn’t have to feel that yearning anymore.
But… what if she rejected me again? That’s what this is really about. I’m terrified.
Fuck.
I really am a chicken shit.
But even more than being rejected, I’m afraid that… I don’t know how to love her. I don’t know how to love someone… and be loved. I’ve never done that. Other than my family. I’ve never let myself find out. Was that why I didn’t fight for her? Fuck! I am spoiled and lazy. A chicken shit.
Man, this whole process is fucking hard on the ego. Jesus. I press a hand to my chest.
I’m afraid I can’t love her like she should be loved. Like she deserves to be.
Mabel was right. And Nikki was right. I admire her for how long and hard she worked at her music to be a success, because it was important to her.
And she is valuable to me. The most valuable thing in my life. And I have shit to do.