Chapter 9
CHAPTER 9
ETHAN
I could barely fucking breathe. The air in the room suddenly felt too thin, too hot. Too everything, and yet somehow not enough.
I should’ve told him to go to hell. I should’ve stormed out of this room.
But all I could think was yes, yes, yes .
The word pounded through my veins, drowning out every other thought, every warning clanging in my head, until it matched the beat of my heart.
Until it became the beat of my heart.
Thud. Thud. Thud. Yes. Yes. Yes.
I didn’t remember deciding to move.
One second, I was frozen in place, my feet rooted to the carpet, and the next, I was across the room, my hands fisting in Bell’s wrinkled shirt, yanking him toward me.
“You’re gonna hate me for this,” I rasped just before my mouth crashed down onto his. Before I could talk myself out of what I was about to do.
For a heartbeat, he froze—his lips still under mine—and that single second of hesitation almost shattered me. Doubt sliced through the haze of my desire, sharp and cold.
But then he groaned, the sound vibrating against my mouth, and tunneled his hands through my hair to cradle my skull, fingers threading through the strands at my temples, and kissed me back. The gentle stroke of his thumbs against my beard contrasted with the bruising press of his mouth.
It was messy and raw. Teeth clashing, mouths desperate. My hands were everywhere—grabbing and clawing at the fabric of his shirt, frantic to get closer. I popped his top button open, my fingers fumbling over the rest, seemingly too clumsy to work properly.
He broke the kiss long enough to tear his shirt open the rest of the way, sending buttons flying in all directions and pinging against the walls and furniture.
We crashed back together, mouths colliding, hands frenzied. The solid wall of his chest against mine, all smooth skin and firm muscle, made something wild unfurl inside me. I backed him toward the bed, my teeth dragging across his lower lip, drawing a sharp inhale from him.
“Wait,” Bell breathed against my mouth, his hands catching my wrists and holding me still. His grip was firm but gentle, his pupils blown wide even as he forced distance between us. “If we’re doing this, we need ground rules.”
My forehead thudded against his, our ragged breathing mingling in the scant space between us. I wanted to scream. “Less talking, more fucking.”
“No, Ethan,” he said fiercely, releasing one of my wrists to grip my jaw, forcing me to look at him. His fingers pressed into my skin, not enough to hurt but enough to command my attention. His eyes locked on mine with an intensity that made my stomach flip. “This is important.”
I nodded, the movement restricted by his hold. Something in his gaze broke through the fog of lust enough for me to recognize he was right. I yanked free from his hold and tore my shirt off, the cool air hitting my overheated skin, and shoved my pants down my legs with trembling hands.
“You want rules?” I growled, stepping out of my sticky, ruined boxers. I stood before him completely naked, exposed in every way, my vulnerability making me even more aggressive. “Here’s rule number one: this isn’t a relationship.”
He stepped forward and kissed me hard, his tongue sweeping into my mouth and his hands skimming down my sides, leaving goosebumps in their wake. “Agreed. No catching feelings.”
“No feelings,” I agreed, the lie tasting bitter on my tongue even as I nodded, swallowing it down along with everything else I couldn’t say. “And no one finds out.” I nipped a path along his jaw, savoring the shudder that ran through him.
“Give me some credit, asshole. I’d never out you,” Bell muttered against my throat, his breath hot on my skin. His hands splayed across my lower back, fingertips pressing into muscle, anchoring me to him.
“It’s just physical,” I insisted, dragging his slacks down over his hips with enough force that I heard a slight tear. I didn’t care. I’d buy him another pair. A whole fucking closet full of bespoke suits.
Bell stepped out of them, leaving him in nothing but tiny black briefs that gripped his dick obscenely and doing nothing to hide how hard he was. A damp spot darkened the fabric where he strained against the cotton.
“It’s just fucking,” he rasped, though there was a note of skepticism in his voice that made me pause for a heartbeat.
Our eyes met, and something unspoken passed between us, too dangerous to acknowledge. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was thinking the same thing I was: that this wasn’t just fucking.
Did he know that even though we were telling each other we weren’t going to catch feelings, I already had?
How could I not?
Bell hooked his thumbs in the waistband of his underwear and moved to strip them off. The elastic caught on his dick before it sprang free, heavy and flushed. For a second, we just stood there, naked and breathing hard, staring at each other, the lamplight carving shadows in the hollows of his collarbones, the dips between his ribs.
“One more rule,” he added, his voice coming out sounding deeper than I’d ever heard it. “No guilt. No shame.”
“No promises,” I said, flexing my fists at my side, dying to get my hands on this beautiful man.
He shook his head, his expression hardening. The playfulness that usually danced in his eyes was replaced by something harder. “I’m serious, Ethan. I’ll fuck you every day, in every room in your house and in all the hotels across the country, but only if you can look me in the eye right this second and tell me you’re not going to regret it.”
The words hung between us, a challenge and a plea. I could feel his gaze boring into me, searching for the truth.
It was the easiest thing in the world for me to shake my head and say, “I won’t.”
I might freak out about it later, and I was already lying to him about what this meant to me, but I wouldn’t ever regret it. Regret him.
Not when I’d been burning for this—for him—from the moment he’d walked into my life with that stupid, cocky grin and that too-knowing gaze.
Relief flickered across his features, there and gone in an instant. His shoulders relaxed fractionally, tension melting away.
I surged forward, my control finally snapping, and grabbed Bell by the hips hard enough to leave marks, my fingers digging into the soft skin there. I ground my body against him, the first slide of his dick against mine tearing a groan from my mouth.
I needed to feel him everywhere, needed to lose myself before the doubt could creep back in. Before I could remember all the reasons this was a terrible idea.
His hands found my face, cradling my jaw like I was something precious, even as his hips rocked into mine with frantic need. The contradiction of tenderness and raw desire made something in me fracture, hairline cracks spreading through walls I’d spent years building.
We stumbled toward the bed, half-tripping in our haste, our knees knocking together, desperation making us clumsy. The backs of my legs hit the mattress edge, and he shoved me back. The bed gave way beneath me with a soft creak of springs, the cool sheets a shock against my overheated skin.
He crawled over me, his body blotting out the light. His weight settled on me, delicious and grounding, his cock sliding against mine as he ground his hips down. The friction pulled a gasp from my throat that echoed in the quiet room.
“Tell me what you want,” he breathed against my mouth, his voice a hoarse whisper as he pulled back slightly and gazed down at me with something tender in his expression. He was so close I could see the ring of darker blue around his pupils, the tiny flecks of silver near the center as his eyes flicked over my face, searching.
For a second, I couldn’t speak. The words caught in my throat, trapped behind years of denial and silence. I was so used to pretending I didn’t want anything, didn’t need anything. Had become an expert at burying desire so deep even I couldn’t find it.
But I wasn’t strong enough to lie anymore. Not with Bell pressed against me like this, his skin fever-hot against mine.
“I want you to fuck me. I want you inside me.” The confession tore from me like something physical, leaving me feeling raw and exposed.
Bell froze, every muscle in his body going rigid.
“You thought I’d want to top, didn’t you?” I asked, my sudden laugh coming out sounding a bit manic, too high and strained.
“I mean, yeah,” he said, a tiny vertical line appearing between his brows, the one I’d noticed he got whenever he was concentrating on something. “That’s why I said you can have my hole. Did we …” He blew out a breath and sat up, his thighs bracketing my hips. “Do we need to take a beat and talk this out?”
I pushed up onto my elbows, my eyes latching onto his beautiful dick, the head flushed dark and glistening with pre-cum. I could feel my mouth watering, remembering how he’d tasted—salt and musk and something uniquely Bell.
I dragged my eyes regretfully away to meet his concerned gaze.
“I’ve never been fucked,” I admitted, my tongue darting out to moisten suddenly parched lips. “That wasn’t really how things were with … the other guy.” I caught myself just before saying Drake’s name. I wasn’t the only one in that situation who’d been too afraid to own up to my sexuality, and I didn’t want to accidentally out him. “It’s uh … something I’ve wanted for a long time.”
“Have you never fucked yourself—with a dildo I mean? Or your fingers?”
I shook my head. “No dildos. Tried with my fingers, but couldn’t get a good angle. Not with my fucked up shoulder.”
His eyes flicked to the long scar there, the result of surgery I’d had after college.
“And you’re sure you don’t want to work up to that? There’s so much else we can do. So many ways I can make you feel good.”
“No,” I told him, my answer emphatic. “I need this.”
He studied me for a few long heartbeats before he gave me a single nod. “All right then. Whatever you need, E. Just say the word.”
“The word is I need you to fuck me so hard I can’t think straight.” The words rushed out, a dam breaking after years of pressure. “I need you to take control. I need to stop thinking. I need you to—” I broke off, my hips arching up off the bed as Bell scraped his nails over my nipples, the sensation shooting straight to my dick, sharp and electric.
I made a sound that was somewhere between a groan and a growl. To keep from crying out his name, I bit my lip so hard I tasted blood.
He leaned over me, his thumb brushing my lower lip. The gentle touch was a stark contrast to the intensity burning in his eyes. “Shhh, I’ve got you.”
And then he kissed me again, deeper this time. Sensual. Seductive. His tongue licked into my mouth slowly, tasting me like he had all the time in the world.
I whimpered into his mouth, wrapping my legs around his hips. My heels dug into the small of his back, trying to pull him closer, to eliminate any space between us.
He pulled back just enough to whisper, “Tell me if you need to stop.”
“I won’t,” I vowed, dragging him back down and rocking up into him.
“Easy,” he murmured against my lips. “You said you wanted me to take charge, so let me.”
I nodded, even as I tried to grind against him again. My body seemed to have a mind of its own, chasing pleasure, seeking contact.
Bell chuckled, low and wicked, and he nipped at my jaw before kissing his way down my throat, biting at the juncture where my neck met my shoulder and then easing the sting with his tongue.
The contrast between sharp pain and soothing pleasure made my toes curl against the sheets, and I cried out, clutching at his shoulders, feeling the play of muscle beneath his skin as he moved.
“God, you’re so fucking gorgeous,” he rasped, dragging his mouth across my chest.
When his teeth scraped over my nipple, I damn near came off the bed. My back arched involuntarily, pressing me further into his mouth. He continued teasing me with slow, lazy drags of his tongue.
“Bell, please—” I gasped, fisting my hands in the comforter beneath me. I didn’t even know what I was begging for.
More.
Everything.
His weight, his taste, his touch.
The pressure of being filled, of being taken, of being wanted exactly as I was.
He moved to the other nipple, giving it the same treatment as I writhed beneath him. My fingers threaded through his hair, unsure whether to pull him closer or push him away from the overwhelming sensation.
“So sensitive,” he murmured as his hands and mouth mapped my body like he wanted to memorize me, his fingertips tracing the definition of muscle beneath skin, the ridges of old scars, the places that made me shiver.
He nuzzled into my armpits, licking and mouthing along the tender skin, the scratch of his stubble against such a sensitive area sending jolts of electricity down my spine.
I made a choked, needy sound that just made him laugh against me, the vibration of his amusement rippling through my body.
I couldn’t stop the whimper that broke free when he licked his way down my stomach, his tongue dipping into my belly button, then pausing to nibble at my hips, nipping along the bone.
I was so hard it hurt, but he ignored my dick as he moved south, his breath hot against skin the inside of my thighs.
“Goddamn it, Bell!” I exclaimed when he continued to ignore the part of my body that needed him the most.
“Patience,” he said, his tone domineering. It wasn’t a suggestion; it was a command, and the authority in the reproach sent a fresh surge of heat through me, causing my dick to twitch against my stomach.
“Fine,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut and nodding helplessly, surrendering to whatever he was prepared to give me. For some reason I’d explore later, I wanted to be good for Bell. Wanted to give him everything he asked of me.
The thought should have terrified me, but right here, right now, there was only the overwhelming need to please him.
He licked a broad stripe up my inner thigh, the flat of his tongue leaving a wet trail on my skin. He nosed at my balls and suckled them until I was gasping, my chest heaving with labored breaths, my whole body trembling with need. The ceiling above me blurred as tears of frustration gathered in my eyes.
“Bell, please.” I shifted, spreading my thighs wider in silent invitation.
“You’re so fucking beautiful like this,” he said, his voice reverent. “Wrung out and begging for my cock. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.”
And then, finally— finally! —he moved lower, his mouth teasing my hole, his tongue dragging over it. The wet, hot pressure made my vision go white for a hot second.
I cried out, my hands scrabbling at the sheets. “Fuck. God. Shit.” I writhed against his mouth, shameless and frantic. Beyond caring what I sounded like, what I looked like.
Beyond caring about anything except the tingling building low in my spine.
Bell just hummed against me, the vibration adding another layer of sensation as he continued to slick me up with long, thorough strokes, getting me wet and open. Each press took him deeper, loosening the tight ring of muscle and making me see stars.
I was trembling, on the verge of sobbing from how much I needed him. My thighs shook with the effort of holding off my orgasm, my stomach muscles clenching.
He pulled away eventually with a kiss to my stomach and climbed off the bed.
The sudden loss of his heat, his touch, his mouth was like being doused in ice. “No!” I gasped, reaching for him like he was the only thing tethering me to the earth. My desperation made my plea sound like a sob.
“Just getting a condom,” he assured me as he crouched down, his dick jutting proudly up in front of him, a thin strand of pre-cum connecting the tip to his stomach as he rummaged through his bag.
After a few seconds, he straightened, the corners of his mouth pulling downward, his brows dipped into a deep vee. “I, uh, don’t have a condom; just lube,” he said roughly. “I can still get you off with my mouth?—”
“No,” I said immediately, pushing up onto my elbows and shaking my head so hard it made me dizzy. “I need you inside me, right fucking now.”
Bell froze, the packet of lube crinkling in his fist. His eyes searched mine, his pulse jumping in his throat. His shoulders were tight, his whole body radiating tension.
“My only partner was four years ago,” I babbled, the words tumbling over each other in my rush to get them out. “All my tests are clear. I swear.”
I’d never begged like this for anything in my life before, but then, I’d never wanted anything as badly as I wanted Stryker Bell inside of me.
For a long, terrible second, I thought he was going to tell me no, that this wasn’t happening.
But then his eyes fluttered closed, a fan of bronze lashes against flushed cheeks, and I watched as his whole body literally shuddered, a ripple moving from his shoulders down to his toes like an electric current passing through him. When he opened his eyes again, there was something devastating in his gaze, hunger mixed with vulnerability.
“I know … I know everyone thinks I’m just this fuckboy who puts his dick in any willing hole, but that’s not who I am,” he said hoarsely, the words scraping out of his throat as if it cost him something to say them.
“I know.” I didn’t even have to think about my response. If that’s who he was, I wouldn’t be here right now.
“I’ve had three partners in the last two years,” he continued, his eyes never leaving mine, his gaze earnest and open in a way that made me both want to look away and never stop looking all at once. “And I get tested every three months regardless. I’m also on PrEP, have been for years. I’m careful.”
“I know. I trust you, Bell.” I reached my hand out toward him. “Now get over here and fuck me.”