8. Julius
JULIUS
I’d barely had enough warning with the phone call from her father when she came waltzing into my office.
I’m a hundred percent certain she was hoping to have the opposite effect on me in that getup.
I can read her well enough to know that she thinks her disheveled look would put me off, but the truth is, she could wear a gunnysack, and I’d still want her.
Fine, I’d spent the last few days and maybe longer nights thinking about her, me…
us. It’s as if I’d finally hit a wall, and there was nowhere to run.
If there’s one thing I am, it’s true to myself.
I’m my biggest critic and instigator. I admitted that, in the beginning, she was too young.
I admitted that I never thought of her as anything other than a cute kid for all the time I had known her.
Even after she made her first declaration of love, I’d put it out of my mind and brushed it off as teenage angst and all that comes with it.
I’d seen her sporadically over the years since then, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
Until that night, that last night, when I crushed her soul before walking away.
I accept that I’ve been running from her, from what I think she represents, all along.
You see, the reason I am so sure that she could destroy me is because of what I like to call the family curse.
It’s some crazy belief in certain parts of my ancestry that the men of our blood will know their mate on sight.
There’s a whole lot more that goes into it, and some people have stronger reactions than others, things of that vein.
I always thought it was a myth since I never felt any of that with any of the women I’ve chosen to spend time with.
I started to give it some thought a few years ago when my younger brother lost his mind over his now wife.
There’s a little bit of it, I guess, in my parents, but they’re older and way too reserved in front of us kids for me to get a real feel the way I did with Roman and Victoria. I saw firsthand what that lightning bolt Dad used to tease us about could do to an otherwise rational man.
And the reason I know she’s it is because of the things I see when I look at her.
I’d been pushing all of this out of my mind to preserve my own sanity.
I’d given myself every excuse in the book for why things happened the way they did between us.
But after seeing her that night, my mind has been like a dog with a bone.
My own conscience beat the shit outta me to the point that I had no choice but to sit back and face reality. Again, she’s the first and only person who has made me lie to myself and for so long. I’m so scared of her that I was willing to fool myself for the rest of my life.
In my head, if the betrayal I’d faced in my first relationship had affected me the way it did, and I wasn’t even genuinely in love, then what would a betrayal from this mythical soul mate of mine do to me? It’s not something I was willing to risk.
And so, when I got that first inkling that she was the one, I made it a point never to be in her presence again.
I strategically avoided any and all chances of a run-in.
The few times that didn’t work were some of the worst nights of my life.
It would take me days to get over that feeling of being punch drunk when I hadn’t had a drink.
Even that, I explained away in my feeble mind and called it something else.
Even my reaction upon hearing that she was shacking up with some piece of shit, I stored away as natural.
Yeah, it’s natural for an uninvolved member of society to put his fist through a wall because the chick he wouldn’t give the time of day was sleeping with someone else.
After that, it’s been years since I allowed myself to think about her. If my physical relationships with women had tapered off tremendously, that could be attributed to my work ethic. It had nothing to do with me thinking that the less people I slept with, the less sex she would be having with him.
Besides, it paid off. All those extra hours that I would’ve been spending with some chick that wasn’t going to get past my radar were spent working and building something I love with my own hands.
I haven’t even thought about her in too long to remember.
But it all came rushing back at the first sight of her.
It was as if the years hadn’t gone by, and that horrible night didn’t exist between us. At least, that’s what I felt for the first few seconds. But then that built-in defense kicked in, and I was back to wanting no part of her.
That held up pretty well for the first night or so, but then the nagging began, and there was no escaping my own thoughts. Every argument that did me well in the past was shot down before the words were completely formed. I pushed back as hard as I could until sheer exhaustion made me give in.
No, even that’s a lie. It wasn’t just exhaustion; it was the sense of knowing that it was pointless to run this time around because, this time, I didn’t put up my walls fast enough since the run-in was so unexpected.
Somehow, she snuck in under my guard, and I had to admit to myself, for the first time, that I wanted her.
I spent these last few days fighting that want, trying to bring myself back under control, and all it took was one phone call to knock down all my barriers again.
I’d barely heard her name before my heart started doing that crazy shit it does where she’s concerned, and by the time his words that she was on her way here registered, I was in full cardiac breakdown.
And now, here she is, standing in front of me, looking as grungy as I’ve ever seen her, and all I can see is that fucking light around her as my heart tries beating me to death.
This is bullshit, all fucking bullshit. A man should be free to choose his mate.
Why should I be a part of this game that I had no say in?
I don’t want to lose my damn mind over this twit, and I know for damn sure…
“What are you glaring at? Here?” She pushed the folder she carried into my gut with attitude and turned to flounce away. I don’t know what made me do it; in fact, I wasn’t thinking at all.
All I know is that fucking attitude, and the way she rolled her eyes at me, set something off inside me that was new to me. I’ve never wanted to murder and fuck the same individual at the same time before. This is a first.
I didn’t realize that I had grabbed her until she swung on me. I sidestepped the blow and caught the offending fist in mine. “Settle your little ass down.” Her eyes did that twitching thing people do when something stops them dead in their tracks, and their brain is trying to play catch-up.
“Now, let’s start this over, shall we? This is a place of business.
Everyone who steps through those doors has to maintain a certain level of decorum.
Running around looking like the village rat may be all well and good for you and your little sorority sisters when you go slumming, but it’s not suitable here. ”
Village rat, my ass! She’s a beautiful mess.
Everything about her is perfection, which makes this whole thing even more fucked because I have seen her in full-battle regalia.
Makeup, the latest fashionable ensemble, and not a hair out of place, dripping in the best luxury money can buy.
Now I’m not sure which of the two I prefer.
The well-coiffed second miss of the Thornton family, or this…whatever the hell she was supposed to be, standing in front of me. And why the fuck does she smell so good? She did this shit on purpose.
How the hell long was I standing here holding her?
And her eyes, what is that look? Like a damn fawn or one of those damn kittens, my sister-in-law always has running around the house.
Yeah, that’s more like it because those shits have claws, just like this one.
And then she blinked, and I saw her lashes, how long they were. What the fuck?
I almost dropped her from my hold because my heart was doing that weird shit again, and it was pissing me off; she was pissing me off.
Is this what it feels like to hold her, to be this close to her?
Is she trying to fucking kill me or something?
It can’t be normal for a person’s heart to beat like this.
I sneered at her, which I knew would annoy her and make that vein in her neck go even crazier. My eyes were fixated on that spot, and my mouth started watering at the thought of what that bit of flesh would taste like between my teeth right when I…
I snapped out of it just before I slid into her in my warped mind.
What the hell is going on? There was a weird heat under my palm where it rested on her waist through her top, and the air felt suddenly different, balmy almost. I could hear the thump of my heart plainly in my ears, and the few seconds we stood there like that felt like forever.
All of it went away as soon as I dropped my hand and broke all contact between us, even going so far as to take a few steps back for safety's sake. That light in her eyes changed again, and this time, the hellion I had grown accustomed to was back in attendance.
Her eyes were all but spitting fire as she spat words out at me through gritted teeth.
“Listen, you pedantic shit stain. I can dress any way I like and go anywhere I like in this town. As for rats, you should know what one looks like since you’ve had about fifty years to get acquainted in the mirror. ”
Did she just call me old? “You’re still a brat, I see. You haven’t changed much since middle school. Was that the age when you used to keep getting into shit? I see you haven’t outgrown your childish ways; don’t pout; it’s not very becoming.” What the fuck are you doing, Julius?
I have never behaved so deplorably with a member of the opposite sex before in my life. In fact, I would be ashamed of anyone I know doing so. So why was I doing this to her? The look in her eyes this time was one of hurt, and I could’ve kicked my own ass for going too far.
But the truth is, no matter how much I have come to terms with my true feelings, I still don’t want this. I don’t want to lose myself so completely in another person. I can’t give anyone that kind of control over me. Just the thought of it puts fear in me.
My brother is one of the strongest men I know, and yet, he’s like playdough in his wife’s hands, and it’s only gotten worse since they started having kids.
He’s completely wrapped up in her, even though he doesn’t see it.
Not that I begrudge it, but anything that can make a human being change so drastically without medical alterations is suspect in my book.
Like now, I hurt her with my words, and yet, seeing that look in her eyes was tearing a hole in my gut. “I’m sorry, that was too far. But you get under my skin with your shit, Jessie!” Her eyes widened for a moment at the name. One I have never used before.
She was always Jessica until she started shacking up with some bastard; from then on, it was Jessie-Belle. “Unhand me!”
“What?” I looked down at where she was staring. When the hell did I close the space between us, and how did her hand end up in mine?
You see this? This is the shit that I’m talking about right here. “Accept my apology?” What the fuck!
“What apology? I didn’t hear one. Oh, you mean when you were blaming me for getting under your skin? That was supposed to be an apology? Lame!”
“I shouldn’t have taken a cheap shot at you. That was way below the belt. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” Now, she was giving me that suspicious look as if I were a foreign object she happened to step on.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever, I’m out.” She started to leave, and I felt like something was being taken away from me.
There was a sudden emptiness in my gut that I can’t explain, but I’m pretty sure I knew.
How the hell did I run from her all this time, only to get snagged the one time I let my guard down?
.