26. Jessica
JESSICA
Ididn’t know whether to laugh or cry. At first glance, his words sounded like bullshit, but the fact that I know he’s not a liar gave me pause.
Then everything came full circle in my head.
For the longest while, I’ve avoided thinking too much about that night.
Just the mere thought of it makes me nauseous.
I’ve been running from it ever since it happened, my greatest wish being that I could go back and erase that one mistake in my life. Now he’s telling me that it was his cowardice that had made me suffer for so long.
The more I thought about it, the angrier I became. “What do you mean?” My voice didn’t sound like mine even to my own ears, and from the way he flinched, I’m guessing he picked up on it as well.
“Calm down, baby!” The eyes I turned on him were cold as ice. Should I tell him the hell I’ve been through because of the things he’d said to me that night? Should I open myself up to him that much? No, better not, not yet at least.
“Calm? You want me to remain calm? You accused me that night, after we did the deed. Do you realize that was my first time, you monster? Do you know the scars you left in me?” So much for not telling him.
“I know, baby; I know. I was scared.”
“Scared of what exactly? What the hell did you think I was going to do to you?”
“It’s not that. You don’t understand; that feeling, it’s all-consuming. I didn’t want that; I wasn’t ready for that.” His face looked pained.
Just what the hell is it that he’s so afraid of? “Is loving me that hard?” I didn’t intend to show weakness, but that came out kind of whiny.
“No, sweetheart.” It worked, though, because he rushed to take me back into his arms. They were trembling, and his heart beneath my ear sounded like a drum.
He was afraid again. What the heck is this legacy that can make the brave and bold man I know react like this? Still, no matter what it is, he shouldn’t have lashed out at me to cover his own fear back then. ‘Then what is it?”
“I can’t put it into words what that feeling does to me. It’s not you personally. I mean, I would’ve reacted that way if it were anyone else as well.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better? You’re just lumping me in with everyone?”
His arms tightened around me, and I started looking at this thing from a whole different angle.
Knowing him, now that he has made up his mind, he won’t let me go; that much I know.
Butting heads with him will get me nowhere at this point.
But since he seems to think that this family legacy of his gives me so much power, why not use it?
The wound was still too raw, maybe because this was the first time anyone had ripped off the scab, and I was surprised to find that the memories from that night still hurt deeply, so there was no way I was just going to let him get away with it.
But enough time had passed for the pain to become a dull ache that I could control.
Back then, I was almost catatonic for weeks. I carried that pain like a burden until it faded bit by bit with time. Or so I had thought. Now I know that I’d just buried it through sheer will, but had never really dealt with it. Now it was out in the open, and I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it.
If he’d told me anything else, I could swing on him, but this otherworldly thing was something I’d have to think about more until it made sense.
I know all about love fools, my own parents fit the bill.
After all these years together, they still act like teenagers in love, but that was chemical, that was the usual bond between two people who were so deeply attracted to each other.
What he was describing, or trying to, sounded like so much more. It sounded like soul mates, two people who were made for each other, which to me seems more intense. “Wait, did that night hurt you as well?”
“What do you think? I almost went insane.”
“So why?”
“Because I didn’t want that for you.” Those words sounded as though he never wanted to say them out loud, and when I looked over my shoulder at his eyes, I saw that to be true.
JULIUS
Dammit, I didn’t mean to reveal that to her.
Now she was looking at me as if expecting an explanation.
I didn’t intend to be this vulnerable in front of her, didn’t plan to show my underbelly.
What kind of man does that shit? But I get the feeling that if I don’t come clean, it will cause more damage than good.
It never entered my mind that she had been as hurt as I was back then. I knew the words were harsh, but to me, they were just the weapons I used to keep her safely away from me. I didn’t mean any of it, but in the heat of the moment I could find no other way. “Explain, or I’m leaving.”
She tried pulling away, and that panicked feeling took root in my chest again.
I held her close and tried to put the words together.
“I watched my brother go through it. I watched him almost lose his mind because someone else got close to his girl. You know my brother; he’s the most laid-back person in the world with a heart like gold.
That’s why he followed Dad into medicine. ”
“But that summer… I thought I was going to lose him for sure. He became obsessed, like a lunatic. He damn near kidnapped sister-in-law and held her captive, and the fighting….”
“That doesn’t sound right; he spoils her rotten; everybody knows that.”
“That’s how it is now that things have calmed down, plus the kids have mellowed him out.
But make no mistake, that craziness is still there.
Sis has learned how to maneuver around him; more power to her, but she’s basically a captive.
She can’t go anywhere beyond city limits without my brother knowing. ”
“If she wants to have a night out with her friends, he has to know in advance.”
“That just sounds like normal relationship courtesy.” Oh, you poor fool! You have no idea what I have been trying to save you from?
On the other hand, I think she’d just given me an out. Knowing her, I expect her to make me suffer for my past injustice. I have no problem accepting whatever she threw at me, but maybe there was a way to soften the blow and get out from under this dark cloud once and for all.
“Jessica, who are you kidding? Your father raised you to be independent, even though he still treats you like a baby. I know how tough you are. There’s no way you can live like that.”
“Are you trying to say that your sister-in-law is stronger than me?” There it is, that competitive streak I knew so well.
“It’s not that; it’s just, you know, you two are different. Her father wasn’t the coddling type. She’s a bit tougher.” I was talking out of my ass, but she didn’t need to know that. She bristled just as I expected.
“Are you calling me soft?”
“Oh no, no nothing like that.”
Don’t laugh or she’d skin you for sure, but it was hard keeping a straight face. If she ever finds out that I’m just playing her, she’d probably castrate me. She turned in my arms to fully face me, her little face tight with annoyance.
“This is your way of apologizing? First, you insult me, then you call me soft? Should I punch you in the face to show you how tough I am?” I wanted to roll my eyes but knowing that she would do it held me in check.
“No violence, please; we’re having a civilized conversation.” My lips twitched at the murderous look that came into her eyes.
“Are you purposely trying to annoy the shit out of me?” Yes, anything to take away that hurt look in your eyes. After all these years, the pain is still deep.
Back then, I was sure I was doing the right thing. Now I’m not so certain. There was still one thing I hadn’t told her, the one thing I had kept to myself all these years. But it was so revealing…. No, she deserved to know; maybe knowing would help ease some of that pain.
“Don’t you want to know why I wanted to protect you back then, at the cost of my own happiness?” Her brow furrowed as she looked up at me.
“Are you going to say something stupid again?” I shook my head no and lowered it to kiss her forehead. “Fine, then tell me.”
“It’s because I was already in love with you.” She stiffened for a second, then relaxed back in my arms. “You…you were in love with me?” Her voice was soft and filled with doubt. I squeezed her tight and rubbed my chin against her hair.
“Yes, I don’t know when I fell in love with you, to be exact. Maybe it was when you were a teenager, trying out your wings the first time I turned you down. Either way, you were always either too young or the timing was off. Whenever I was, it’s always been there.”
“The reason I wanted to protect you is that I only saw the dark side of this thing; that’s why I’ve always called it a curse.”
“And now?”
“Now I’m not sure. I only know that we can’t go back. I can’t go back to living without you.”
I was still a bit nervous about what the hell that meant.
Where was all this leading, and would I turn into a madman like my little brother?
Will I explode, go up in flames if she leaves me one day?
My arms tightened painfully around her, and she struggled to escape.
I wasn’t even aware that I was doing that shit.
“You can’t ever leave me. Not now, not ever. I gave you a chance. I even suffered through you being with someone else; that’s how much I love you. I wanted you to have something normal, even though it was killing me. So can you please not be too hard on me?”
I felt like I’d finally let go of something too heavy to carry. That weight that had been on my shoulders for years was now gone. Saying the words out loud seemed to have eased the band around my chest, and I could breathe easy again.
Hiding my true feelings from her and the rest of the world had been draining. The thing I feared most now seemed insignificant. Now that I think about that unnatural fear, it seems not to matter as much as I imagined.
It’s not that I hate my brother or look down on him, far from it. It’s just that this thing seems to have a mind of its own and there’s no way to combat it. I watched it take him over, control his every move where his woman was concerned, and it all seemed to be too much.
My brother has always been the more easy-going of the two of us. If he could go as far as he had, what would I be capable of? I didn’t understand this kind of love, and I still don’t. There’s a sense of smothering in there somewhere; I can feel it even now.
As much as my mind says to give her freedom and let her live her life, my heart was staunchly against it. She had more than enough time to run; now she was back there, and there was no way I was letting her go again. If she wants a pound of my flesh, then so be it. It’s all hers anyway.
“Now you know the truth; there’s no going back for you.”