Chapter 17 Wren #2
Wren swallowed heavily and nodded, watching Teddy turn the car on and pull out of the dark alley, driving them back home in complete silence.
He watched him the whole way.
The way his brows pinched in the middle, the way those laugh lines around his eyes were almost completely smoothed. The way the corners of his lips sagged and his usually golden skin looked sallow and pale.
He hated it.
And it ate away at him that he had been the one to do it. He’d risked the safety Teddy had worked so hard to achieve. Stomped all over it.
They parked in front of the house and Teddy silently began unloading the animals. Wren followed, slow and pained because for the first time since he had met Teddy he felt like he wasn’t really wanted near him.
And yet he couldn’t leave. The space between them hurt more than ever, and he resolved to just stay close until Teddy explicitly told him not to.
After the animals were situated in the living room ready for Bianca, Wren followed him through the eerily empty house, up the stairs to his room, closing the door behind him and staring at Teddy’s back as it rose and fell with heavy breaths.
He ached.
For hurting him. For failing him. For not being enough to help.
“Teddy.” He called out to him quietly, voice shaky and unsure. He waited for Teddy to turn toward him, eyes wide and lips pinched.
“I’m okay.”
Teddy tried to smile, but Wren felt it like a dagger to the heart. Because it wasn’t real. It wasn’t the genuine, lovely, sunshine smile he had loved for most of his life.
“You aren’t okay,” Wren said. “I fucked up and I’m so sorry.”
“Wren…”
“No.” Wren shook his head. “You don’t have to protect me anymore. Not all the time. I’m an adult now and I can face my mistakes. Even if they make you hate me.”
“Fuck, Wren,” Teddy burst out, walking closer until they were standing face-to-face. “I don’t hate you. I don’t think my heart would even know how. I just…”
“You’re scared,” Wren whispered, finally realizing it fully. “And I made it worse.”
Teddy huffed and looked away, blinking away and breaking Wren’s heart because he could see a tear rolling down his cheek even though he tried to hide it. He lifted his hand and cupped Teddy’s cheek, wiping the tear away with his thumb.
“I am sorry,” Wren said. “I am really and truly sorry.”
“See,” Teddy said, a smile that felt a bit more real brushing against his lips, “I don’t think you are.”
“I—”
“And I don’t think you should be. Rationally, I know finally standing up to him is the right thing to do. I have some leverage now. The adult side of me knows his hold on me isn’t what it was when I was a trainee.”
“But?”
“But the child in me is still terrified of what he can do,” Teddy whispered.
“And I am that child. I have been for years, and the scars are still there. The broken bits of me are still me, Wren, and I am barely holding them together as it is. He will shatter them if I fight back. He is whole. And attacking fragments with a whole never ends well.”
“I want to help,” Wren whispered. “Please, let me help.”
“You can’t. You don’t know…”
“Then tell me!” Wren said, louder than he intended to with how fragile Teddy was, but the years of being kept in the dark were catching up. He wanted to fix things, but he couldn’t without knowing what was there to fix. “Let me in.”
Teddy shook his head, stepping away from him and breaking his heart in the process. “I can’t.”
“Why are you shutting me out?” Wren asked, and he knew he was being unfair.
He knew like he knew his own animals that Teddy cared for him.
That he didn’t want to leave him. That he didn’t want to keep things from him.
The shame he could feel radiating from Teddy said more than words.
But he couldn’t help but beat against the invisible wall, wanting to tumble it to the ground.
Instead of the wall, Teddy crumbled before his eyes. His entire face fell, and the tears flowed without him trying to stop them. “Because I’m scared of you seeing that part of me. Of what it might do to us. I don’t want him to touch what we have and ruin it.”
“He never could.” Wren longed to reach out for him. To make him see. “He tried as hard as he could and we still found our way back to each other. We’re fated, Teddy. Nothing Kellan or anyone else could do would break us apart. The only person who could do that is you, and you’re letting him.”
Before Wren could say anything else, Teddy walked toward his desk and opened a drawer. He reached inside and pulled out a stack of leather-bound notebooks, their spines cracked and worn with use.
He stood up and placed them on the bed reverently, followed by a wooden box with a small lock on it. He walked over to Wren and placed something cold in his palm.
Wren looked down and found a small silver key resting in his hand.
“Open it,” Teddy whispered, pointing to the box.
“What is it?”
“All of me,” Teddy said. “There’s no point keeping it a secret when it’s all yours anyway.”
Hands shaking, Wren went over to the bed and picked up the box, unlocking it before lifting the lid and looking inside.
Letters. Stacks and stacks of sealed envelopes. Just like the one Teddy had given him when they first saw each other during Hart’s case. Each addressed to him. And dated.
He pulled them out and flipped through, throat constricting as he realized how far back they went.
Weeks.
Months.
Years.
All the way to when Teddy was placed and ripped away from Wren. All the way to the last day they spent together before the end.
He held them in his hands, like pieces of Teddy’s soul he never wanted to hurt or let go of. He caressed the cool paper and traced his name written in Teddy’s beautiful handwriting. And he cried.
For the time that had been stolen from them. For the two boys who did nothing wrong except love each other. For the two adults who wanted to cross the divide but had no way to build bridges over it.
All they had was the same love and want they’d always held. Like a safety net they weren’t sure could survive the fall. And they had no way to know until they tested it. Until they fell.
“The first time Kellan approached me, I didn’t think anything of it. He would ask me questions about my process and offer advice. I wasn’t the only one. There were others he paid special attention to. I was actually flattered to be one of them,” Teddy said, choking on a tearful, sardonic laugh.
“Black said Kellan was hanging around him too, for a while,” Wren said, already feeling sick to his stomach as he placed the letters aside gently.
Teddy crossed his arms over his chest, like he was protecting himself from the memory. “It changed over time.”
“Was it…” Wren had to take a deep breath before he finished. “Was it because of us?”
“It was because of me,” Teddy said. “Whenever I did something he didn’t like, he seemed to get angry. Sometimes that would be something as simple as talking to friends in the hallway. Or being praised by an instructor. When I met you…”
He went quiet, swallowing hard, and Wren couldn’t take it. He held out his hand. “If you want to stay there, it’s fine, but please don’t be ashamed. I’ll love you no matter what you say. There’s nothing that could make me stop.”
Teddy took his hand with shaky fingers and allowed himself to be pulled down to sit next to him on the bed.
“I chose to love you. I chose to think about more than he thought I should. He saw me questioning things, acting out, and he didn’t like it.
He didn’t realize the nature of our relationship as it evolved at first, he just didn’t want me to be around you because you were a ‘bad influence.’ But I didn’t understand what he wanted from me.
When I was good and praised, he hated it.
When I stepped out of line he needed to reel me back in. I never knew what to do or say.”
“He wanted to control you. He still does.”
“He hit me for the first time the day after Blu went missing. I think he must have guessed it had something to do with us, but he couldn’t prove it. Or maybe he just wanted someone to take it out on,” Teddy said, and Wren gasped, eyes filling with tears as Teddy confirmed his worst fears.
“Teddy, I didn’t know.”
“I wouldn’t have done it any differently.” Teddy looked down and squeezed his hand. “He’s a piece of your heart, Wren. How could I not protect it?”
Wren choked, too distraught to speak. Teddy wiped his tears away like he was the one in need of comfort.
“After that it continued sporadically. I think he started to realize we were more than just childhood friends, and he was trying to beat my feelings out of me. When he caught us kissing he used it as leverage. He told me if I didn’t leave then, he’d hurt you too, and I couldn’t let that happen, Little Bird.
Not when I could stop it. He’s been using that ever since to keep me tethered here, to keep me from properly looking for you. ”
“I’m going to kill him,” Wren snarled through his tears. “Teddy, I’m going to rip him apart and pay him back for every hurt he ever gave you.”
Teddy stopped him from running from the room to do just that, grabbing his hands in his. “It’s okay, Little Bird.”
“It’s not. It could never be okay!” Wren said, eyes burning.
“I’m sorry for not telling you.”
Wren let go of Teddy’s hands and cupped his face. “You have nothing to be sorry for, you hear me? The only ones who should apologize are Nexus and Kellan, and that would never be enough. They failed you. I failed you.”
“You didn’t. How could you have known?”
“I knew something was off. You always tried to shield me from it, but I could tell. I should have done something.” Wren was filled with so much regret.
“He always told me we were wrong. That there was something wrong with us,” Teddy said, stroking Wren’s arms. “But there never was.”
“They’re the ones who are wrong,” Wren said. “You have always been perfect just as you are. You called me strong, but it’s nothing compared to you, Teddy. You endured this for so long.”