Chapter Eighteen #2
“Clearly not since our arrival took your whole household by surprise.” Of course she was in a fury; it practically rolled from her and into the room.
“You are quite a nodcock of the first order, Darkemore.” Where he thought she might throw something at him, instead, his wife swiftly crossed the room, took hold of his shoulders, pulled him close as she rose onto her toes, and then claimed his lips with an open-mouthed kiss.
Before he could tuck her into his arms, she pulled away. Seconds later, she slapped his cheek—hard. Anger burned in her hazel eyes that were more green than brown.
“How dare you think to leave and make decisions about my life. You don’t have the right,” she said as she popped her hands on her hips. “When I spoke my vows to you, I meant every one, with the exception of perhaps the obey nonsense.”
Was she aware of how amazing she was? But the words sitting on the tip of his tongue simply refused to give themselves life.
“Why will you not fight back? Verbal sparring was one of the exciting points of our relationship. I’m not certain I like the way you’re retreating into yourself.”
Awareness of her tingled over his skin. “I will not fight with you.” Hell, all he wanted was to toss her into bed and have his way with her, but he suspected he didn’t have that right either, neither would she stand for it.
“Whyever not? I’ve had three weeks to form my defense.”
“Oh, I’ve no doubt you have.” The woman was adorable as confusion shadowed her face. “I won’t fight because everything you’ve said is true. I am a failure and a coward. Now, I’m a murderer.”
“I never said that.”
“You didn’t have to. I was, indeed, that before while a spy, but what I did weeks ago at Covent Garden only reinforces that.
” When she didn’t immediately have a tart-mouthed reply, he rushed to fill the silence.
“What’s more, I have no remorse. Echerson deserved to die, for no other reason than he dared to hold you hostage.
” He rubbed a hand along the side of his face that was still hot from her slap.
“In fact, I don’t feel sorry for what I did over the course of my military career.
I had orders. I carried them out. That is all, and is the ugly reality of war. ”
“Stop.” Evangeline shook her head. “I don’t want to hear any of that. I refuse to feel pity for you, and while I can empathize a bit, knowing you thought nothing of killing the viscount has given me pause.”
Every word she said speared through him as if made from pointed darts. “I expected as much.”
The confusion intensified on her face. “From those actions as well as from you willing to walk away from London made me see that your soul is dark and there aren’t any cracks anywhere that will let in the light.”
The pain in his chest grew exponentially. “I told you that from the start.”
“I know, and I’m more the fool for believing I could perhaps change that, perhaps I could love you enough that I might be able to help you.
” When her voice broke, a wad of emotion lodged in his own throat.
“Clearly, my love for you isn’t enough to keep you with me.
” Unexpectedly, tears welled in her eyes and each one cut him to the quick.
No longer was she furious. The predominant emotion she exhibited was sorrow.
“Because of that, I was cheated of the opportunity to tell you I loved you, so it’s been hidden behind fear and regret these past three weeks. ”
“I’m sorry.” Then her words truly sank through his tired brain. “I beg your pardon, but did you say that you love me?” Shock slammed into his chest at the revelation.
“Yes. It was a silly thing to let myself do after being with Marklesfield for ten years, and I truly don’t know when or how it happened.” Nothing but honesty shone in her eyes. “All I knew was that while talking before we left for the opera, I was aware of it.”
“You didn’t tell me.”
“You didn’t give me a chance. You left, remember?” When he didn’t answer, she blew out a breath in apparent frustration. In a surprising move, she fell to her knees before him.
“What are you doing?”
She peered up at him with questions in her eyes.
“I must know, Michael, is this how every day will be with us? That I’ll be twisted up in emotions with the foolish hope you might return them?
Worried every day that you’ll let the darkness you struggle with overcome you and I’ll never see you again?
Worried that you’ll just… walk away, thinking I’ll be better off with you?
Because I can’t live like that despite how desperately I love you or how much I care, how much I want a life with you.
” With tears in her eyes, she shook her head. “That is what is unfair.”
The raw emotion in her voice discomfited him. He didn’t know how to combat that, so instead, he said the first idiotic thing to cross his mind. “Do you wish to leave? You can go to one of my other properties, to my parents’ cottage—”
“No, you complete arse.” She stared at him as if he were, indeed, the village idiot. “I want to be your wife in all the ways that matter, but in order to do that, you must be willing to let me in. To share everything you struggle with, because that is what a wife does with the husband she loves.”
What she said was fair. Even if he couldn’t wrap his head around it in this moment. “You are a far better a person than I.”
“Gammon. Your thinking is skewed. I’m still waiting on an answer, not ramblings or platitudes.”
“Would you accept an explanation?”
“That largely depends on what it is.”
He nodded, and she appeared so tempting while on her knees that he fought his baser instincts. “For years, I’ve been alone. As a spy, I was taught not to show emotions, not to share anything personal with anyone because it would make me weak, give the enemy a foothold.”
For long moments, she peered up at him, not accusing, not judging, merely waiting.
“There are no more enemies, Michael. It’s only you and me.
I want to hear from your own mouth what you feel, if anything.
I want you to tell me what’s in your heart.
I need more from you than carnal satisfaction and games. More than brooding silences.”
“But…” Why was this so damned difficult? Especially when it mattered the most?
She shook her head. “If you can’t bring yourself to live a halfway decent life with me by your side, if you think you can never love me as I deserve to be loved then…
” The delicate tendons in her neck worked with a hard swallow.
Tears fell to her cheeks. “Then I suppose nothing between us will work and I must accept that. However, your friends came out with me to tell you that they care and that you are loved and wanted in this world. Don’t discount any of it.
Having such friends speaks volumes for a man’s reputation. ”
That temporarily distracted him. “They’ve never done that before, have never cared, never reached out when I was at my lowest and battling the darkness.”
“That may be so, but everyone has failings and everyone has their demons, their own battles. I do too. After the contretemps with Echerson, I was in a bad state remembering the things Marklefield had done to me, thinking that all men were naught but ogres—even you. Over these weeks, I worked through those thoughts, talked out my fears with Anne. But doesn’t it count for something your friends are here now?
And worried to the point of being sick?” She paused to brush at the moisture on her cheeks.
“Can’t you see that you matter to those around you?
That you are loved despite not believing it for yourself? ”
Those words were enough to break him. “I can’t do this any longer.” The feelings inside his chest would tear him apart before too long.
“Do what?” Evangeline took his free hand in hers. “Talk to me, Darkemore. Don’t shut me out when we are on the verge of a breakthrough.”
As much as he wished he could communicate with her strictly through sex like they had been doing since they met, he acknowledged to himself that he owed her this. The ball of emotion in his throat made itself known. He swallowed around it as best he could.
“Perhaps I should start with the facts and not the history, hmm?”
“I would prefer that, yes.”
As he battled with his emotions, he had the thought that perhaps it was time to relinquish control to them and stop trying to control them.
Where was the harm in letting her see how anguished and conflicted he truly was?
“Like you, I don’t how or when it happened, but I find myself in love with you.
” When she gasped, he continued. “It terrified me, in ways I’d never expected.
After the years I'd spent as a spy, the last thing I wanted was to have you in danger because of me. And when the Jackal returned, that fear turned into a reality.”
“You couldn’t have known, though.”
“Perhaps, but it happened, nonetheless, and after Echerson nearly killed you, I knew I had to keep you safe at all costs, because I love you. Never again will I sacrifice myself for King or Country, but I would do it for you.” His breath came in shuddering pants.
“So I retreated here to Cornwall, determined to end everything, to make you a wealthy widow and set you free of me, but in the end, I couldn’t do it. ”
Shadows filled her eyes. “Why?”
He shrugged. “I had the insane hope that perhaps fate would show me a reason not to. I missed you hellishly. No one has ever made an impression on me that fast or that deep, and no one has ever captivated me mind, body, or soul as you have. But I’m not worthy of you, know that I am not the man you deserve in every way that matters. I’m broken, Evvie.”
A tear fell to her cheek. “We are all broken in some way, so that is not an acceptable excuse to release yourself from this marriage. Try again.”