Chapter 21 #2
“You shouldn’t have walked out like that,” I said, referring to the library.
“I know.” His eyes were on the floor, while he didn’t make much of an attempt to move away from the door.
“Then why did you do it?”
Cai finally looked up. I could still see the disappointment in his eyes. “Because you make me furious sometimes.”
I raised an eyebrow, inviting him to say more.
“I’d asked you not to go and you went anyway, without even telling me.”
“I did tell you,” I argued.
“I don’t mean leaving me a short note telling me not to come and look for you. Do you have any idea how worried I was?”
This was the most emotion I’d seen from him in a while.
Though it might not have been a positive reaction, it reminded me of the person he was before his best friend stabbed him in the back, before his family was murdered, before he was exiled from his kingdom.
It reminded me of the Cai who would do anything to protect me, who didn’t care for my impulsivity.
The Cai who fought for the things he cared about.
“How many times do I have to say that I am capable of looking after myself? I was completely fine.” More or less, anyway.
“You went into the most dangerous place in Everness, all by yourself with no assurance that you would come out alive,” he said, walking over.
“Well, I’m fine now. I don’t see why you’re still so angry. Do you want me to say I’m sorry that I went? Because I won’t.”
“Do you have no care for your life?” His voice rose with every word. “You cannot disappear into the woods in the middle of the night. You have a responsibility to your kingdom.”
“It’s that responsibility I’m trying to keep. We need to open that diary, and the key is the only way we are going to do it.” My frustration grew at his lack of reason. I stepped up to him and Cai towered over me, but I still glared up at him.
“It is not worth your life,” he cried out, grabbing my upper arms. “Don’t you see it?” His voice was laced with desperation. “I’ve lost everyone, Elara.” His eyes bored into mine, the disappointment now replaced by deep worry. “I cannot bear to lose you too.”
The way he said it caused my anger to dull. The pained look in his eyes that I’d grown used to in the past few months returned.
“You’re not going to lose me, Cai,” I said, softer now.
“You don’t know that.” He placed his forehead to mine. I closed my eyes and leaned into him, savouring the safety his presence always brought me. I missed this.
“I’m not going anywhere.” It was a promise I hoped I could keep.
“As long as I don’t lose you either. I don’t think I’ll survive that.
” Despite our difference and conflicts, I loved Cai beyond my control and cared for him more than I’d ever cared for anyone.
It was because of him that I’d found the will and strength to fight this upcoming war.
Cai placed his hands on my cheeks. “I will never leave you,” he vowed, forcing me to look into those beautiful emerald eyes of his. Sadness or not, they were my home. “You saved my life once. You pulled me back from death. And I will go to hell and back to find you.”
Cai pressed his mouth to mine in a loving kiss and I melted into him.
Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I urged him closer, allowing his hands to sweep over my body.
I could feel the warmth of his hands through the material of my robe.
Standing up on my toes, I deepened the kiss, pressing myself against him to eliminate any space between us.
This was different from the kiss we’d shared in his room the other day.
There was no pain now. There was only longing.
“I love you,” I murmured against his mouth. I wanted all of him. Wanted him to know how much he mattered. I would do anything for him, regardless of the cost.
Cai pulled back, giving me a strange look.
“What?”
“You’ve never said that before,” he responded, breathing heavily.
“What do you mean? Of course I have.”
“No,” he said slowly. “You’ve never told me you loved me before.”
I thought back to previous interactions, to Cai confessing his love for me. I’d known I’d loved him for a while now. Ever since I got back from Norrandale the first time. But had I really never said it?
“Well, I mean it.” My fingers curled in his golden locks. “I love you, Cai.”
He looked at me with a wonder I’d never seen before. Then he was kissing me again.
How I had missed this closeness with him, this intimacy. The scent of him, the feeling of his hands on me. I could stay like this for ever, so enraptured by him, and to hell with the rest of the world.
Cai walked me backwards until I felt the bed touch the back of my legs.
I pulled back for a second, gasping for air.
My fingers moved to his torso of their own accord, untucking his linen shirt.
I pushed my hands under the material, placing my fingers on his muscular abdomen.
Cai grabbed the collar and pulled the shirt over his head in one swift motion, dropping it on the floor.
He took me back into his arms and hitched my legs around his waist while I kissed him with urgency.
Then he carefully laid me on the bed, the silky sheets soft against my skin.
Cai broke away, kissing my neck, and I tilted my head back.
He took his time, letting his mouth trail over all the places his hands had been while I savoured the feeling of his lips.
I softened against him, allowing myself to forget about the past few days.
This was what I needed. Cai and I did have our moments, but when it mattered most, we knew we could trust each other, be there for each other, and in some ways even heal each other.
The two of us had enough pain to last us a lifetime, but when we were together, the walls that we surrounded ourselves with, for protection, shattered entirely.
I could let myself go when I was with him.
I wrapped my legs around him, my fingers digging into his back as I pulled his mouth back to mine. His hand was splayed out over my ribcage, while soft sighs escaped me.
“Say it again.” He said it so softly that I almost couldn’t hear him. Cai’s eyes were dark with need. It took me a moment to realise what he’d meant.
“I love you.”
He groaned and undid the waistband of my robe, exposing me. I bit my lip as he trailed kisses from my collarbone to my navel.
“Again.”
His mouth moved lower still. My heart pounded.
“I love you.” My voice sounded ragged, caught somewhere between anguish and desperation.
Soon, I was gasping his name, my fingers buried in his hair, and the feel of it all was too much. I clutched the pillow, arching against him as I trembled in his arms. All I could think about was that I didn’t want this to be over.
Cai moved back up and captured my cries with his mouth. His fingers dug into my thigh as he wrapped my leg around him.
“I love you, Elara.” And I knew he did, with all his heart. Because I did too. I’d never really had anything in my life worth dying for . . . until now.
He moved painstakingly slowly at first and then deeper with more urgency.
I felt like I could hardly breathe. Our fingers intertwined as he pressed my hand into the mattress above my head.
Cai never stopped kissing me. I’d forgotten about Aries and about the Myrgonite objects.
About war and council meetings and diaries and death.
None of it mattered as long as I was in his arms, with his hands and his mouth on me.
I could die like this for all I cared.
* * *
Levernia was a big city, with a large market square and many houses, stacked onto one another. The cobblestone streets were decked in a thin layer of snow, disturbed by the tracks of people and horses.
I looked up at the tavern in front of us. It was secluded, hidden in a small alley away from the main streets.
Cai had been less than eager when I told him my idea of tracking down Uncle Arthur’s old clan members and trying to convince them to fight on our side.
After the rebellion, I tried to make sure everyone was safe and well looked after, but the people had split up and moved away.
Some lived in the bigger cities, while others chose the serenity of the forest and living off the land.
I’d told Cai that they hadn’t given me any kind of trouble thus far, and while there was the odd case of a carriage being robbed on a road somewhere, it wasn’t anything like during Magnus’s and Lance’s rule.
I feared inviting them to the palace, for many reasons, so I settled for dressing in some plain clothes and going undercover.
It took Rhen some time to find Donald and Murtag, both of whom were masters of the clan.
Rhen had been spending most of his free time going through the diary but had yet to find anything of value.
According to him, Donald spent most of his early evenings at this little tavern.
I tied my horse to the post and made sure the hood of my cloak was secure. Not that anyone was likely to recognise me anyway.
Cai and Rhen followed, dressed in similar attire. The only way I could convince them of my plan was if they tagged along, and after the toll my recent disappearance had had on them both, I didn’t have the heart to go rogue.
The wood creaked under my boots as I stepped into the tavern.
A young barmaid leaned over the bar at the far end.
She had a round face, tendrils of curly hair falling in front of her eyes, and a large stain of some kind on her apron.
The rest of the room contained a few small tables and a fireplace in one of the corners.
I made my way to the bar while Cai and Rhen took a seat at one of the empty tables, close enough to jump in should any kind of danger befall me.
I wasn’t too worried, though. No one here had any idea who I was, and I patted my dress to make sure Cai’s dagger was still in the pocket.
Should anyone dare to come too close to me, they would regret it.