Chapter Nine #2
“I know. Hunter made about ten, then decided he didn’t need the money that much. I don’t mind the work. I text Natalie every couple of days and update her on my count.”
“I’m sure she appreciates that.”
A loud burst of laughter had them both turning toward the back of the house.
“How long are they staying?” he asked.
“I don’t know. They’ll want to go out soon enough. When that happens, I’ll tell them not to come back.”
Garrick looked concerned. “You don’t have to do that, Joylyn. They can stick around if you want.”
“It’s not fun for me. I wish I’d stayed on base.”
“You could go visit those friends.”
“It’s too long a drive.”
“What if I took you?” he asked. “You could stretch out in the back of the SUV. We’d stop every hour for you to walk around.”
“Thanks, but no.”
“Then let’s decorate the house later. It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so we need to put up wreaths and stuff.”
He sounded sincere, like he would really do that with her, she thought. This was the father she remembered—the one who took care of her.
She put down the half-finished snowman. “Dad, why did you stop seeing me? Before, I mean. When I was a teenager.”
He stared at her, his confusion almost comical. “We’ve talked about this, honey. I didn’t stop seeing you . You’re the one who told me to go away. You said our weekends were boring and that you had better things to do. You refused to see me for weeks and weeks.”
He was right, she thought reluctantly. That was what had happened.
She’d been angry and she’d lashed out. Her mother had talked about forcing her to see her dad, but she never had.
Joylyn had been left to make the choice herself, and once she’d turned her back on him, she hadn’t known how to change things.
“You should have tried harder,” she whispered, staring at the table. “You should have made me.”
“Is that what you wanted?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” She looked at him. “Then you were gone. I talked to mom about calling you, but you were just gone. You abandoned me.”
“Joylyn, you weren’t abandoned. I was working.”
“Doing what? Why would you disappear for months?”
“The first time was only a few weeks, and I was on assignment.” He hesitated. “I was in a joint task force with the DEA.”
She stared at him, not sure what to think. DEA? As in Drug Enforcement Administration? “Why would you work with them?”
“They were doing some things in the Phoenix area, and I had a little undercover experience. They’d offered me a couple of assignments, but I never took them because I didn’t want to be away from you. When you refused to see me for all those weeks, I finally accepted the job.”
“You worked for the DEA?” she demanded. “Was it dangerous?”
His gaze slid from hers. “I was perfectly safe.”
“You’re lying. You weren’t safe. You weren’t safe at all. You were working for the DEA and you didn’t tell me. That’s wrong, Dad. It’s really wrong.”
“Joylyn,” he began, but she cut him off with a shake of her head.
“No. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I don’t want to know any of it. You should have told me back then and you didn’t, so I don’t want to know now.” She pointed toward the front of the house. “I have work to do. You need to leave me alone to get it done.”
“I want to talk about this.”
“No. We’re not talking.” She felt the familiar tears fill her eyes. “No talking.”
“Joylyn, please.”
She closed her eyes, willing him to leave. It took nearly a minute, but finally she heard him get up and walk out of the room. When he was gone, she opened her eyes.
More laughter erupted from the backyard. The sound made her feel empty inside. They weren’t her friends, not anymore. She placed a hand on her belly and willed her love to flow to her son.
“We’ll get through this,” she told him. “I’m never going to leave you or let you feel scared. I’m going to take care of you. Your dad will, too. You’ll see, little one. You’ll see.”
***
After church, Wynn changed into old jeans and a T-shirt.
She wanted to go through her decorations and figure out what would last another holiday season and what needed to be tossed.
While she believed in the magic of a glue gun, sometimes an item was beyond repair and had to be released to find a new life elsewhere.
She walked into the garage and pushed the button to open the big door to give her light and a breeze. At the far end were several shelving units filled with clear bins. All her decorations were stored there, by holiday. The Christmas ones took up two entire shelving units.
She ignored the bins with wreaths and lights. She always checked both at the end of the season, so she knew they were fine. The same with the ornaments. It was everything else that needed to be examined.
She moved her car outside to give herself extra room. As she walked back into the garage, she couldn’t help glancing toward Garrick’s house and smiling. They’d talked the previous evening. He’d phoned close to nine, and they’d stayed up talking until nearly midnight.
Their conversation had started out being about Joylyn’s horrible friends who had finally left around five in the afternoon, but then they’d ended up discussing everything from their favorite subjects in school to how he’d met his first wife.
They’d only hung up when both their cell batteries had started flashing warnings about being seconds from dying.
She supposed given that they lived next door and the late hour, she could have suggested he come over.
As long as they were relatively quiet, Hunter wouldn’t know—once he was asleep, he was out for the night.
But she hadn’t. Some because she didn’t want their first time to be like that and some because the anticipation was really nice.
She pulled out the first bin and opened it.
Inside were decorations she put around the house.
There were several stuffed Santas in all shapes, sizes and species.
She had a cow, a giraffe and a space alien, all in Santa suits.
She checked each item to make sure it was still in good condition, then moved on to a bin filled with Jim Shore holiday pieces.
There was a small jewelry box tucked in the corner.
Inside was a pinecone charm on a chain—something she wore every year at the holidays.
She fastened the chain around her neck, then smoothed the charm with her fingers.
“I’m ready for Christmas now,” she said with a laugh.
Another bin held a half dozen throws in Christmas patterns. At the bottom of the bin was a blanket she’d crocheted. It wasn’t especially fancy or even square, but she’d made it herself after Hunter had been born and she’d wrapped him in it over their first Christmas.
That had been a hard time—she’d been so scared. Not just about him but about how she was going to keep him in diapers and herself in food. She’d been too young, too poor and too alone to manage, but she had. How would it be different now?
The question surprised her. Why did it matter? She wasn’t having more children. She was done with that. Hunter was fourteen and she...
She was only thirty-four, she reminded herself.
A lot of women hadn’t even started having kids at that age.
She was healthy—there was no reason to think she couldn’t get pregnant and have a baby.
She certainly had financial resources and a support network beyond what she could have dreamed about the first time around.
Funny how she’d made all kinds of rules for herself when it came to romantic relationships, but she’d never thought about having more kids.
Not seriously. But as she turned the idea over in her head, she realized that it wasn’t totally crazy.
She liked children. She liked being a mother.
She would prefer to have a man in her life, but even if she didn’t she would be fine.
The unexpected line of thought had her shaking her head. She decided to let the idea sit for a while. Later, she would take it out and see how she felt, but for now she still had decorations to get through.
Over the next hour she examined the tree skirt, the silk poinsettias she used to make a display in a fireplace and did a battery count for her flameless candles. She was just putting the last bin back on the shelf when Joylyn wandered into the garage and waved a greeting.
“Hi,” Wynn said. “I’m getting ready for holiday decorating. I like to go through everything to make sure it’s all in good condition, then Hunter and I will start putting things out tonight. What’s going on with you?”
“Not much.” She sighed as she spoke.
Wynn started toward the door to the house. “Come on,” she said. “I made lemonade yesterday, and there’s some coffee cake from breakfast. We’ll be more comfortable in the kitchen.”
Joylyn followed her. Wynn pushed the button to close the garage door, then collected glasses and dessert plates. When everything was prepared, she sat across from Joylyn.
“You feeling all right?” she asked.
The young mother-to-be nodded. “Physically it’s all what it’s been. My back hurts, I can’t see my feet. You know—normal.”
“Considering how pregnant you are, yes.”
Joylyn picked at her piece of coffee cake. “It’s just everything is different. My friends stopped by yesterday.”
“Were they the ones driving that great old Mustang? It was a sweet ride.”
Joylyn pressed her lips together. “They drank all day and hung out by the pool. It’s like we have nothing in common. They’re interested in having fun and getting laid, and I’m just not into that. Not anymore.”
“You chose a different path.”
“Was it the right one?” Joylyn looked at her, tears trembling on her lower lashes. “Did I make a mistake?”
Wynn had a feeling the question was a lot more about feeling lonely than any serious introspection.
“Are you sorry you married Chandler?”
“What? No! Of course not. I love him. I’m not sorry we’re married.” She put a hand on her belly. “I wish I hadn’t gotten pregnant when I did, but we were always going to have kids. It’s just everyone’s having fun but me.”
“You do have more responsibility than your friends. But you’re also more settled. While they’re still trying to figure out their lives, you know where you’re going.”
“You’re right.” Joylyn sipped her lemonade. “I wouldn’t want to be dating. I’m glad I found Chandler when I did. We’re right together. I guess I’m lonely.”
“That makes sense. Your husband is deployed, your friends are all somewhere else. You have your dad, but no real girlfriend support system.”
Joylyn nodded glumly. “I should have stayed on base. If Chandler gets deployed again, I’m staying close to the other Marine wives.”
“So you have a plan.”
Joylyn looked at her. “How did you handle having Hunter on your own? I think about my son being born and it terrifies me. I have no idea what to do or how to take care of him. I mean I have younger brothers and I remember when they were babies, but that’s different.
My mom was there. This time I’ll be the mom. ”
“You do what you have to do. It is terrifying. The first fever, the first time he gets a cold. It’s a nightmare, but you learn and you get through it.”
“My mom was really young when I was born. Like seventeen. So was my dad. That’s four years younger than me. I mean they both had their parents, but still.” Joylyn paused. “My dad worked with the DEA.”
“On a joint task force.”
“You knew? Did everyone know but me?”
Wynn picked up her drink. “He told me a few weeks ago.”
“I just found out yesterday.” Her tone was bitter. “He just left me to be some hero.”
“I wasn’t there, but my understanding is that you refused to see him. He showed up every weekend for nearly two months, and every time you sent him away. Then he accepted the assignment. Or am I wrong?”
Joylyn shifted on her seat. “Okay, that’s how it happened, but it’s not how it felt.”
“How did it feel?”
“Like he didn’t care about me.”
“Have you told him that?”
“He wouldn’t get it if I tried.”
Wynn sensed that Joylyn was telling the truth—from her perspective, her father hadn’t cared. What she didn’t know was why Joylyn would go there. Garrick had shown up faithfully, begging his daughter to spend time with him. She’d been the one to refuse. So why would that leave her feeling rejected?
There was something she didn’t know, Wynn told herself. Some piece to the puzzle she couldn’t see.
“Did you and your dad have any Christmas traditions?” she asked.
Joylyn picked up her fork and took a bite of the coffee cake.
“Sure. Lots of them. We always had a tree—a real one. My mom insisted on an artificial one because she didn’t want to deal with the needles and stuff, but Dad got us a real one.
He always insisted we get a tree from Wishing Tree, Washington, because he said those are the best. We had our own ornaments, and we always decorated it together. ”
She smiled. “Every year I was into something different. One year the tree was all done in fairies and princess ornaments. It was so girlie—even the lights were pink—but he never complained. He always got me an Advent calendar. One year it was like a jewelry kit. I could make string bracelets and necklaces, adding beads every day.”
“That sounds like fun.”
“It was. He mentioned decorating yesterday, but we started talking about other stuff and it never happened. I miss how it used to be.”
“It’s not going to be exactly that, but you two could still have fun together.”
Joylyn paused, as if considering the suggestion.
“Maybe. I spent Christmas Eve with him every year, and we would get up at five to see what Santa had left at his place. Then we went out for breakfast and got to my mom’s at about seven.
He stayed all day. Even when he was married to Sandy, he did that with me. ”
She finished the coffee cake. “He always took off the week between Christmas and New Year’s, and we always went up in the mountains to play in the snow. One year there just wasn’t any in the mountains outside of Phoenix so he drove us all the way to Utah so we could have our day.”
“Those are great memories.”
“They are.”
“You should talk to him.”
Joylyn stiffened. “What about?”
“The real reason you stopped seeing him. You’re angry because he hasn’t guessed what it is.
Here’s my life secret—no one can read your mind, and if you’re waiting for that to happen, you’re going to be disappointed for the rest of your life.
You love your dad and you miss him. The only way to fix the problem is to tell him what’s wrong. ”
She thought Joylyn might burst into tears or start screaming or even run out of the room. Instead, she sucked in a breath and nodded.
“You’re right. I should do that. I don’t know if I can, but I need to try.”