Chapter 58
Fifty-Eight
Zach
Patting Declan’s bottom, I sigh when he finally drifts off to sleep, tucked into his new crib in his own bedroom. This child sleeps like the dead, and he’ll be out until morning.
Crossing the hallway, I poke my head into Bailey and Chloe’s room.
They’d insisted on sharing, despite having enough space for each kid to have their own bedroom in this new place.
Chloe is asleep, hooded unicorn onesie pulled up over her head, blanket tucked around her chin.
Bailey is also asleep, laying diagonally across the bed.
I turn off the light and close the door, then stop at Abigail’s bedroom. I knock, then push the door open.
“Not too much later, okay?” I say, when I see her sitting in bed, coloring in the book I had gotten her, the day Louise had come over to help. Back when everything seemed so easy, despite the chaos. “Thanks for your help with Dec tonight.”
She nods, setting the colored pencil down. “Dad?”
“Yeah?” I say, leaning my shoulder against the door jamb.
“Can I ask you something? And you won’t lie about it?” she asks, almost hesitantly.
I nod, crossing my arms over my chest. “Of course. I don’t ever lie to you.”
“No… but you don’t tell the truth all the time, either,” she says quietly, calling me out. She’s got me there.
“You’re right,” I admit. “I will do better about that, okay?”
She nods, then looks at me. “Why did you break up with Lou? Did… did she not want us, either? Like Mom?”
My chest constricts to the point I fear I may actually be having a heart attack. Fuck. Stepping into the bedroom, I sit on the edge of the bed. “No, I didn’t break up with Lou because she didn’t want you.”
“Then why?” she asks, and I hate the tremor in her voice. “I thought you guys really liked each other…”
“We do,” I whisper, trying to find the right words. “But… sometimes as adults, we have to make really hard choices. Making sure you four kids are protected no matter what, that’s my top priority.”
“So, was Lou bad?” she asks, her brows dipping low in confusion.
“No,” I rush to assure her. “Of course not.”
“Then I don’t understand,” my daughter mutters. “What did you have to protect us from if she wanted all of us and she’s not a bad person? Because… because it seems more like you decided for her that she couldn’t be with us.”
Again, my twelve-year-old clocks me square in the chest. That’s exactly what I did.
“I thought I was doing the right thing,” I admit. But, that’s not the truth, either, is it?
Joel was right. I pushed Louise away because I was scared. I was a coward. I would rather have pushed her away before she had the chance to hurt me. So that’s what I did.
“I miss her.”
I reach out and drag my hand over her head. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“Do you think she misses us?” Abi asks, her lip wobbling, and fuck me to hell. It damn near breaks me.
“Yeah, kiddo, I think she probably does,” I whisper gruffly. She nods, sniffling. “I’ll come back in a little bit to say good night, okay?”
Leaving my oldest, I walk down the hall to my new bedroom.
I have nothing unpacked yet. But, I step over to my dresser and open the top left drawer, digging until I find a well-worn, opened-too-many-times-envelope.
And I pull out the letter inside, the one I’d found again when we moved, and I read the words I’ve read probably a hundred times over the years.
Zach,
I’m not entirely sure how to start this, but I have some things that have been on my mind lately, and I think it’s high time I get them down on paper. So, bear with me, son, as I try.
First off all, I just want to tell you how damn proud I am of all of my boys and the love we’ve all found in fighting fire.
Battling this beast is in our blood and in every beat of our hearts, and I can’t tell you how proud I am that you heard that call, too.
This world will never fully understand the sacrifices we make, but we put on those turnouts and do it anyway.
Not for glory or accolades, but because the innocent will always need a hero. That’s you, son.
You and Joel will fight a different kind of beast than I have, and you’ll see tragedies that fighting wildfire won’t ever show me.
When that tone goes off, you won’t hesitate to run headfirst into that building, because you know someone needs you.
That kind of bravery is reserved for a special few.
All men are created equal, after all. But only a few become firefighters.
Thank you for sending me the pictures of the girls.
I can’t believe how big Abigail is already, and now you’ve brought Bailey into this world.
They’re beautiful, Zachy. I hope you love them with every beat of your heart, and that they always know how deep that love for them goes.
I hate that I wasn’t around for you boys growing up.
I let my love for fighting fire overshadow everything else, and it’s the only regret I have in this life.
Choosing fire over your momma and you boys.
I should have been home, with all of you, and I know that now.
I spent the last thirty years with my heart beating on the other side of the country; with the family I so foolishly left behind.
Your momma fought like hell to get me to stay, but my stubborn pride wouldn’t let me admit that I needed her more than I needed fire.
That woman was willing to walk with me through the hardest parts of life, and I pushed her away.
I pushed you all away, and I’m sorry, son.
I hope you boys always knew, even if I was terrible at saying it, how much I loved you, and always will.
Now, I don’t know much about all that love and mushy stuff, but I know when something doesn’t feel right, like when the air shifts and you sense it before you see it in the trees.
Love isn’t supposed to hurt, Zach, and it’s not supposed to be something you have to chase.
If something or someone doesn’t fit… maybe it’s not meant to for a reason, you hear?
If they want to walk away, you let them.
Because Zachy, when you find the one that fits…
they’ll be the one standing next to you no matter what, walking with you through the toughest roads of this life, and they’ll never let you doubt that they’re where they want to be.
Love is a choice, Zach. One you make every single day, on the good and beautiful days and on the ugly ones, too.
You choose your person, and you fight like hell to keep it.
And you know how you’ll know it’s right?
Because they’ll be fighting with you, not against you.
It’s you and her against the world, not each other.
You’ll know when you find it, son. Do this old man a favor, and don’t let your stubborn pride push her away. And if you do… you make sure you run like hell back to her. You don’t want to wake up an old man and regret losing the sunshine that brought your world to life.
~Dad
Folding the letter back up, I tuck it into the envelope and hang my head. I’ve thought it a hundred times, haven’t I? That Louise is the sunshine to my day. Dad didn’t even know she existed… but he knew I’d find her someday. And that I’d be a fucking moron.
I love this woman.
I love Louise.
Taking the now slightly crumpled notecard out of my pocket where it’s lived for the past several weeks, I tap it against my opposite palm before sliding my thumb beneath the flap and finally unsealing it.
Seeing her swoopy handwriting caves my chest in. Fuck I miss her so fucking much. Flipping the card over, I stop breathing.
Love you, more.
That’s it. That’s all the card says.
Like she fucking knew what I would need to see more than anything. Simple. To the point. No frills, just… Louise being Louise.
And I know what I need to do. What we all need to do.
Heading back down the hall, I knock on Abigail’s door once more, then come back to sit on the bed, pulling the tickets out of my pocket and showing them to her.
Clearing my throat, I ask, my voice breaking slightly, “What do you say we go get our Princess back? Any big ideas?”
Abigail nods, her smile wider than I’ve seen in a long time. “Oh, yeah.”