Chapter 22
Aracely
I had just been teasing Bash when I asked about his other ideas, I certainly thought he would come up with what he did.
“You don’t seem like the type of guy who plays board games,” I said to Bash as he rolled the dice.
“Come on? Board games are great. Especially on a cold, dreary day like this.” He moved his pawn and gave me a slow smile.
I watched as he did. Sorry was a game I had played when I was younger. The game was simple and fun and didn’t take a whole lot of strategy, if any. I wasn’t sure if that was why Bash had picked it or if he was trying to tell me how sorry he was by playing a board game that was all about it.
It had been more awkward being around him than I thought. I hadn’t counted on the feelings I had for him flooding me. I had wanted to convince myself it was just sex; it was just a way to get some closure between us. I hadn’t counted on it being more. I hadn’t counted on how nice it felt to do something as simple as make coffee and be able to look at him. I hadn’t thought about how it would feel to see him walking out of the same bedroom as me. I hadn’t wanted to accept that it wasn’t going to be easy to just sleep with Bash and walk away from him.
It was evident that Bash was happy, relaxed, and excited about the day. His easy banter told me he thought everything was fine with us, but it wasn’t. It was far from it. I wasn’t feeling the same way and had no idea how to tell him.
I didn’t want to think too deeply about how he had seen my concern, my distress, and found just the right things to tell me to make me feel better. He hadn’t promised anything more than what we had. He might have said he loved me, and that meant something, but it wasn’t everything. It didn’t solve the problems we had.
He hadn’t told me that I was more important than his career and he would give it all up to be with me. It wasn’t fair to think that he would when I couldn’t do the same in return. I could only give him this, I might love him but was I in love with him? Was it the type of love that I thought could stand being involved with him and all the ups and downs? We were caustic to each other at the best of times. We had always had a tempestuous relationship. Was it wise for us to get involved with each other again? Did we even have a choice? And could I ask him to move to New York for me when I would never consider moving to California for him? How was that being fair to him, or to our relationship?
They were all questions that I didn’t want to ask, so I didn’t. He had asked for the one thing that I could give him: time. We had two more days at the cabin; until then, I would enjoy being with him. I wouldn’t think about the consequences or what would happen when we got back home.
“Did you play this when you were younger?” I asked and moved my pawn.
“I spent many summers playing the classics.”
“Really? I would have thought with the beautiful California sun and weather you would have been out all the time.”
“Sometimes. Mom liked to kick me out of the house to go play, though I was sure that was because she didn’t want me in the house. What about you? Did you play board games much?”
“Nah, your move,” I said.
Bash took a card and moved his pawn before he said, “Why not?”
I had hoped he would let the comment pass but I should have known he was too inquisitive when it came to me for my own good.
“It’s not nearly as much fun to play when you’re doing it alone.”
“Most things aren’t. It’s always better to have at least one other person in most activities,” Bash teased. He held my gaze and asked, “Your sisters wouldn’t even take the time to play a board game with you?”
“They were too busy for me. I couldn’t blame them, the one that was closest to my age had just started high school when I was born. We had nothing in common. I was an accident, and I’m not even sure my mother wanted me. She certainly didn’t spend much time with me to make me think she did. Why would my sisters? Most of them were out of the house, either in college, living their own lives, or married with kids. There was no time for board games.”
“Ara, I’m sorry,” Bash said.
“Don’t. I don’t want your pity. My childhood wasn’t great but it wasn’t horrible. I made do with what I had. I might not talk to my sisters or even my parents much, but it is what it is. It’s why I always admired your life and family.”
“We weren’t a Norman Rockwell painting, that’s for sure. Dad was so involved with his work; he didn’t have time for us. Mom used all the extra energy she wasn’t spending on her husband to concentrate on me and my career.”
“At least she was there for you,” I said.
“There was that, and in the beginning, when I had no clue what I was doing or how it was going to be, it was nice.”
“But?” I asked, clearly hearing it in his statement.
“Until it wasn’t. Until she got obsessed with me making it big and it kind of killed my parents’ marriage.”
“Your parents divorced?” I asked.
They had always seemed so close, so happy, a unit. Bash had painted the picture of a happy family and they certainly showed it at his premieres or during interviews.
“A few years ago, but they hadn’t been close for years. I think Mom wanted them to wait until my career was solid. Not that anyone cared. It was my parents, not me.”
“It still sucks when it happens. They’re your family. You don’t think that you caused their divorce, do you?” It was evident that he did.
“Of course. I was the one who wanted to be in movies. I was the one who pushed to go to all the auditions and classes. Mom could have stopped it or told me we needed to do things with the family instead.”
“She was the adult, that was on her to do. She saw the potential in you and wanted to cultivate that. If there were problems in their marriage, it wasn’t because of anything you did. Just like my parents couldn’t get me to fix their marriage, it wasn’t you who broke up theirs.”
“Your parents thought you could fix their marriage?” Bash asked.
I hadn’t realized I never told him that little tidbit of my life. Ella and Layla knew but there wasn’t anything about me that they didn’t know.
“Yeah,” I said and went to take a card. Bash squeezed my hand and waited for me to continue.
“I like to tease that I was an ‘oops’ baby. I mean, my father was in his fifties and my mother was in her forties. They shouldn’t have had me, but my mother wanted another kid, or so she said. I think she wanted a boy, but got stuck with me instead. See, my father was a great father to my sisters, she thought he would do the same with me, even more so if I was a boy. But it had been easier for him when he was younger. He thought when they got older, he could retire, do all the things he wanted to do, all the things he couldn’t because he had to provide for his family.
“My mother on the other hand was worried he would get bored and leave her if he didn’t have another child to take care of. She thought I would solve that problem. Unfortunately, my father was too tired from raising all the other kids to care about me. Mom, in turn, resented me because she didn’t get the outcome she wanted and instead was strapped with a kid.”
“Ara, you never told me.”
“You know me,” I said and leaned away from him. I brought my hand to my cheek and wiped away a tear. I sniffed and looked away from him. I didn’t want his pity and I certainly didn’t want him to see me cry. I had thought we would have a relaxing day; I had never thought it would turn into this. “There isn’t much to tell, really. I’m not one to dwell on the fact that my family doesn’t like me. Well, I wouldn’t say that. I might only get invited to any gatherings because they think they have to, not because they want to. It’s what it is. I made the best with the family I created, the one I wanted and wanted me.”
“Ella and Layla,” Bash stated.
“Yeah.” I could see the hurt in his eyes as if he thought I was going to add him to the list. But I couldn’t and it wasn’t right for him to think that I would. Even if I did want to consider him in that way.
“I had to make my own family. I had to make my own way. It sucked but I think I’m a better person for it. I don’t have anyone to worry about or rely on. If things go sideways, I have no one to blame but myself.”
“Sounds lonely,” Bash said.
“I made do and everything changed when I met Layla and Ella.” I almost said when I went to Winslow Creek Camp because I had met him too, but I wasn’t ready to include him in my change or tell him how much he had meant to me growing up. “They were the ones who were there for me, they were the ones who supported me and told me I could do all the things I wanted to do.”
Bash had, too, in so many ways. I had never told him, but he was the first person told I wanted to be a doctor. He hadn’t laughed or told me I couldn’t do it. Instead, he said how great I would be and had always supported me. As I looked at him, I needed him to know. Only when he did, would he know why I was keeping him at arm's length and why I always would.
His eyes searched mine as he waited for me to speak. I don’t know how he knew I needed time to compose myself, he just knew. I wasn’t sure who my revelation would hurt more. Him or me. I needed to say it, for myself. I needed to have him hear it. I had loved him for most of my life and I knew I always would. He was saying and doing all the right things and I kept pushing him away. If I truly wanted that closure or to see what we could be, I couldn’t do that until I told him everything.
“You did the same, Bash. You supported me, you cared for me, you loved me, in a way I didn’t even know existed. I had no idea how important it was to have someone who was on my side until you weren’t there. I had been so unsure of myself, of my career path, of who I could be, until I met you. You helped me get the confidence to be the woman that I am.”
“Ara. It was always in you. It was always there. But if I helped you to see that, then I’m honored.” Bash squeezed my hand.
I moved my hand away from his and stood up. The game was forgotten as I turned away from him and wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly chilled. I could feel Bash standing up and moving to stand behind me. He didn’t try and touch or comfort me, something I was both thankful and hurt about.
“It was one thing to never know my family’s love. It was easy to not miss something if it was never there. But when you came along, and you showed me what it was like to be loved, to be heard, to matter, it changed everything.”
I slowly turned and looked at him and said, “Which was why it hurt so much worse when you took it all away.”