Chapter 32 One Big Unhappy Family #2
“This is what she does,” Joan said. “Give her a little bit of freedom, and everything turns to chaos. The way she likes it, I’m sure. Even Leonardo, God bless him, didn’t know what to do with her.”
Eve was annoyed that she’d suddenly lost her appetite, because her food looked delectable—brisket and plantains, spinach and malanga, swimming in a thick, thoroughly seasoned broth—and she really would have liked to enjoy it.
But instead, she sat there mindlessly picking her bread into tiny pieces, determined not to let this force her into backsliding.
“How many good, single men do you think are out there?” her mother asked.
Eve had to suppress a smile when she thought of Jamie.
“ And he’s Catholic,” Joan continued. “God knows they don’t come around often. A family man, willing to take care of you.”
“Ma, I’m barely Catholic myself, and I don’t need anyone to take care of me. Please stop acting like he was a saint.”
“I should have known,” she said, shaking her head in disappointment. “You never even wore that ring. That beautiful ring.”
“She knew she was settling when she accepted it,” Roger commented as he inhaled another spoonful of soup.
Eve looked at her dad, always the more sensible of her parents when it came down to it, feeling betrayed by his assessment. “Daddy.”
“It’s true, sweetheart. I’ve no idea why you chose him. Perhaps you were too scared to marry someone with a backbone—”
“And there’s my cue.” Eve stood from her chair, much in the same way she had the last time she was there, ready to hightail it out of there. “Thanks for dinner, guys.”
“But you didn’t eat.”
“Where are you going?” Joan asked.
Eve shook her head, lacking an answer. Maya was busy for the night, and there was no one else she felt comfortable dropping in on without more notice. But she’d rather figure it out on the way than be in the house with them for a second longer.
—
After a bit of consideration and a lot of desperation, Eve ended up back at her old apartment in Brooklyn.
It was probably the last place she should’ve been, but Leo was in Jersey with his mom, as he was every Christmas, so it was her best and only option.
Technically, it was still her place—her name was still on the lease, and her December rent payment cleared on the second of the month—so she rationalized it by saying she deserved to be there.
Still, when she walked in, she felt like an intruder.
She could smell the sweet remnants of honey and pears from whatever Leo had cooked that day for his family dinner— pettole , if she had to guess, which was a favorite of his southern Italian clan.
She pictured him at the stove, toiling with the giant ball of dough until he had a pan full of the fruity fritters, while she watched in awe.
The rest of the house appeared largely unchanged.
Pristine. Boring. Same as she left it. Where the slate-blue walls and smoke-gray furniture once seemed understated and timeless, they now felt glum and sterile.
The apartment had none of the color or personality that Casey had given to Jamie’s place, nor the quaint charm of her grandmother’s cabin.
It was no wonder she was depressed here.
The foyer still prominently displayed a picture of her with Leo, the two of them on vacation in Rio, the snapshot from a boat ride they’d taken to Ilha Grande. She knew Leo well enough to understand why he didn’t move that daily reminder, that relic of their relationship. But she wished he had.
When she reached the bedroom, seeing their neatly made bed, with one side turned down, ready for him whenever he returned, Eve finally sent him a text.
Wed, Dec 24 8:42PM
Eve Ambroise: Hey, just FYI, I’m in town. At the apartment getting my stuff now. I’ll be around until next week if you want to talk.
With that, Eve continued into the closet to grab her larger luggage and promptly began to collect her things.
It was after 11:00 p.m. by the time she finished sorting through her jewelry, shoes, and dresses, filling two Samsonites, three Telfar duffels, and a Louis Vuitton trunk her godmother had given her when she went to college.
She was sorely tempted to just stay there for the night; it was better, simpler, than trying to get a ride back to her parents’ with all her things.
And just when she’d convinced herself that she wasn’t overstepping boundaries she was the one to set, she heard Leo at the front door, his keys seeming to taunt her, daring her to try to hide from him for a single second longer.
She should’ve seen it coming. When he didn’t reply to her text, she should’ve known he was on his way back to the city.
But she was too preoccupied with herself to prepare, and so she froze the second she saw him.
He was wrapped in a leather jacket and his favorite green plaid scarf with a red beanie covering his dark hair.
Despite the distance between them, her at the top of their steps, him at the bottom, their eyes locked.
“Shit,” he breathed, his expression projecting a curious mixture of excitement and doubt. She must have looked like she’d come face-to-face with a ghost, but he looked like he’d just been brought back to life.
“Hi,” Eve replied, taking a few tentative steps down the staircase.
“You’re really here?”
She frowned, stopping. “You didn’t get my message?”
“I did, but…I guess I didn’t expect to actually find you here.”
“Oh.”
“Are you staying?”
“No…”
“Oh.”
“I was just…” Eve looked to the top of the steps, where two portmanteaus were waiting to be dragged down. “Why aren’t you at your mom’s?”
“My mom died in August,” he said.
Eve’s mouth dropped open as it felt like the wind had been knocked out of her, incredulous that something so momentous could’ve happened to him and she’d had no idea.
“I’m so sorry,” she stammered, feeling sad for him and for herself.
She might not have loved Leo anymore, but she still cared about him, still knew how much it must have hurt to lose his most important person in the world.
She wanted to ask why he didn’t tell her, but it would’ve been a pointless, perhaps cruel question when she already knew the answer.
“I wish I knew what to say. How are you?”
Leo shrugged. “It’s been a shitty year. I’m glad it’s almost over.”
Eve agreed. He’d racked up loss after loss—as much as she’d failed to acknowledge it, the miscarriages had happened to him, too—and then she did what she did, and then his mother. Now here she was reopening old wounds. “I’m so sorry for dropping in like this,” she said.
“Where are you going?” Leo asked. He ignored her apology as his gaze landed on her bags.
“Back to the nuthouse.”
He chuckled at her reference to her parents’. “But I mean after that. You said you were here just until next week?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” she said, stuffing her hands in her pockets nervously. “Back to Tennessee, probably. I owe Stella a play.”
He nodded, scratching at his grayish scruff, and Eve knew he was waffling over whether to say anything further.
Before he could get it out, she decided to walk back up the steps to retrieve her things, ill-equipped to handle this much awkwardness and guilt.
But as she made it to the bottom of the steps with her last bag, Leo’s big, exaggerated sigh, designed to stop her, did exactly that.
“What is it?” She was trying to be patient with him—for him—but she’d seen this show before.
“You can’t just treat people like this, Eve.”
She shook her head. “I’m just trying to get out of your way.”
“You walk in here after half a year, rifle through all our things, take what you want, and now you’re really just gonna leave again like none of it ever mattered?”
“I told you we could talk whenever you wanted.”
“Well, I wanted to talk six months ago, so the least you can do now is stop rushing around long enough to face me.”
Eve dropped her bag where she stood and raised her hands in surrender. “You’re right. Please say whatever you’d like to say.”
He peered at her in a way that felt condescending. “What are you doing, Eve? What is this?”
“I’m…moving out.” She looked around at what she thought was obvious. “What else am I supposed to do?”
“But why are you leaving? You never gave me a good reason.”
“Being miserable wasn’t enough of a reason?”
“I mean, that’s what therapy is for. That’s why I kept begging you to try it. For real.”
“Because I’d have to be crazy to wanna move on?”
“Because you walked around fucking catatonic for weeks after you had a miscarriage, and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why that’s not something you’d wanna talk to someone about,” he said.
“I know it can’t be me, because God forbid you share anything resembling real feelings with me, but fuck, Eve. You couldn’t let it be someone ?”
Eve went from frowning to scowling as she listened to Leo bring up the feelings she’d tried to forget about.
“You’re one to talk about someone being catatonic,” she said.
“I had to drag you to every appointment. I had to force pills down your throat like a child. I wasn’t your girlfriend; I was your mother.
I was never interested in reversing those roles. ”
“Well, at least I’m better now. Did something about it. Instead of using grief as an excuse to stop trying.”
“Yes, Leo, you’re perfect now. Astounding that a straight white man in America is finally thriving.”
“You know what, fuck you, Eve,” he sent back, spinning on his heel. “So fucking arrogant.”
“Excuse me?” she called after him.
“I said you’re arrogant,” he yelled, immediately turning back to her. “You think you’re the only one in pain here. You think everyone’s stupid but you.”
“I don’t think that,” she said, her voice at a normal, earnest volume then. “I don’t. I just don’t think you realize how hard it was to be in this relationship sometimes.”
“That’s what I mean,” he said. “You think I didn’t notice you flinch when I touched you?
How you hesitated whenever it was time to make any concrete plans for our wedding?
” He closed his eyes, and for the first time in years, she genuinely wondered what he was thinking about.
“I can’t even tell you how many times I felt absolutely rejected by you and couldn’t figure out why. ”
Eve bit her lip in another small show of remorse. “I’m sorry,” she said.
“I don’t even know why you wanted a baby so badly,” he said. “You hurt people, Eve. It was just as hard being in a relationship with you. But I’m the asshole for trying to love you anyway.”
“You weren’t an asshole,” Eve whispered. “I know you were good to me. You were.” She nodded as the back of her eyes began to sting with unexpected tears. “But that doesn’t mean I have to be tethered to you forever, does it?”
“No, you didn’t make any vows,” Leo said. “That was the plan, but…those change, I guess.”
“They do.”
They went silent, briefly, as Eve searched for something better to say than sorry . But she was.
“So…what,” Leo cut into her thoughts. “You go back to Tennessee forever? Do you just write your plays there?” It seemed like he was chiding her. “What’s the new plan? Or does it not matter, so long as you’re not here?”
She shook her head again, knowing she couldn’t say anything about Jamie but feeling like she should. “I don’t know…”
“Eve…”
“I met someone,” she said, exhaling sharply once the words were out. “I didn’t mean to. I didn’t plan it. I didn’t even know anyone lived in my grandmother’s neighborhood. But he did, and…against all odds, we clicked.”
Leo laughed, his hand covering his face, making his amusement seem all the more barbed. “Of course you did. Jesus fucking Christ.”
“I know what it sounds like, but it really did just…happen.”
“So you’re going down there to live with him?” Leo chuckled again. “ That’s the plan?”
“I don’t have a plan. I just know I was happy there.”
“Yeah, because you were living in some fucking fantasy, apparently.”
Eve winced at his choice of word, as it was exactly what she’d used when she was still trying to run from Jamie.
She understood now why it bothered him, trivializing something that meant everything.
“I don’t know that this is doing us any good,” she said.
She picked up her bag and brought it to the foyer with the others, preparing to head out.
But before leaving, she turned back to Leo with contrition in her eyes. “I really am sorry. For…everything.”