Chapter 15 The Hot Tub #2
I cast my hands over my face, trying to wipe away the water droplets, only to get my face more wet. She’s right. She’s here to fix my hormones, as Jake ordered.
“What would the harm be in letting me try?”
She takes a gamble and pushes off the edge of the hot tub, swimming up to me. She’s in front of my legs, staring up at me.
I’m in danger.
She sets her hands carefully on my knees.
I have to open my mouth to breathe, otherwise, I think I may pass out.
Being with her during her heat was easy, admittedly. I let the alpha in me come out. And she was a stranger, so she could be anything I wanted her to be. And at the time, she was just a gift from my alpha.
This is different. I know things about her now. I know she has a storm behind her eyes. I know she can hold her own against Jake. I know she can see me when I see her. We are on the same playing field, meeting as equals.
I can’t let her kiss me. She’ll ruin me.
Just like Jake did.
“Shadow?” she asks to get me out of my spiral. “You’re spinning out. Take a deep breath.”
I suck in a breath and ease it out.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
They are such simple words, but they feel so revolutionary. Do I want to talk about it? My face collapses in anguish. She leans into me, and I bring my forehead close to hers. I can’t touch her, though.
“Talk to me. Tell me about it.”
“I can’t do temporary. Not again.”
She stays perfectly still.
“Oh.”
I nearly laugh. “Your heat…I was just being a good alpha for you. You were completely out of it, and I was helping you. It would be different now. And I don’t know if I can make love to you now, and then watch you walk away.”
I can say it with my eyes closed, so I hold them shut and say, “It’s awful to watch Jake enjoy you so much. Fearlessly. I just keep thinking how bad it’s going to be when you walk away from us.”
She makes a little “oh” sound this time, the word not quite forming.
My entire body is filled with adrenaline from my fear.
I cannot believe I’m saying these things out loud.
It’s this private little space. This white noise from all the jets.
It feels otherworldly. It’s her body heat between my legs.
I bring our foreheads to touch, then whisper, “I don’t think I could do that.
Have you and then lose you. I did it with Jake, and I could only pretend for so long it was ok.
We are running out of time, and I’m torn between opening myself to you or shutting you out completely, and I don’t know which one will hurt more. Which will kill me first.”
And because she’s listening and absorbing every word I give her—folding it and keeping it safe—I say, “And the more you are around, the more I’d like to keep you.”
She leans in a bit more, pressing more of us together.
My bones are quaking, but I stay utterly still.
I can’t even breathe. Her hands ease up my thighs until her hips are in between my legs.
I can feel the heat of her. Solid and real.
I’m already leaning down to meet her lips as she stands up taller on her tippy toes.
I let the kiss happen, I might say, but that’s not true. I push into her lips, wanting it. Wanting it and yet scared out of my mind.
She’s too fucking nice. Her lips are nice. Her smell is nice. Her words are a balm.
Our tongues touch at the same time. She pushes up off my thighs and deepens our kiss. I get hard, and I want to feel between her legs, to see if she’s turned on too. It’s a spectacular nightmare.
So, that’s why, when we pull back for a breath, and her hands come up to grab me around the neck, and even though she’s giving me “what’s the worst that can happen” eyes, I use my alpha voice on her.
“Ondine,“ I say, and her eyes blow wide with shock. “Be still.”
The Wong brothers were both born with a defect in our voices.
Both of us have an abnormally powerful alpha bark.
It’s strong, my brother could command my father when he was only 9 years old.
It’s why they tried to send him away. Mine has never had a use.
I never wanted to control someone. Until I went to the military academy and they found a lot of use for me.
So using it on Ondine is cruel. And I’m a coward. She’s completely still. Her chest isn’t rising to take a breath. Her eyes are not blinking. But I’m shaking in her arms.
“Ondine, breathe, my love.”
She takes in a breath. Tears escape out of the corners of her eyes. I lick them off her face.
“Blink, please,” I whisper. Her shoulders relax, and she resumes some normal function. I press our foreheads together and just breathe along with her.
“I want to kiss you. I want to make love. I want to lie with you in my arms all night. Watching you and following you all day like a phantom is not enough. Ondine, I’m a hungry alpha. I want it all. I don’t want a temporary placement. I want to consume you entirely.”
But I don’t take any more from her. I release my hold on her, and then I carefully move up and away from her.
“I’m sorry.”
And then I leave her all alone.