Chapter Twenty-One
Rick stopped in the doorway when he saw what Allen was holding. Allen stood by the couch with Rick’s bag open beside him. The front pocket gaped, and Rick could see Allen’s hands shake. His face was pale, and his eyes were wide. In his hand was Rick’s old phone.
It was turned off, but Rick didn’t need it on to know what Allen had seen. Allen’s body gave it away. The stiffness in his shoulders. The way his fingers were wrapped so tightly around the phone that his knuckles had turned white.
Rick kept his expression relaxed and his voice even. “You found it.”
Allen didn’t answer. He only stared at him. Rick crossed the room and put his phone down on the couch. He wanted his hands free. He wanted Allen to see he wasn’t hiding anything.
Rick saw Allen swallow. “What is this?”
“It’s a phone.”
Allen’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t.”
Rick held his gaze. “Okay.” Taking a step closer, Rick paused when Allen lifted the phone up, like he might throw it at him. Rick didn’t look at the phone. He looked at Allen. “What did you read?” Rick asked.
Allen swallowed hard. “Don’t do that. Don’t make this about what I read.”
Rick nodded. “I’m not. I’m asking so I know where you are.”
Allen stared at him, then shook his head. “What?”
Rick kept his voice calm. “Tell me.”
Allen’s mouth opened, then closed. His eyes flicked down to the phone as if he could pull the words from the screen again. “Cass,” Allen said finally. The name came out rough. “Elliot.”
Rick didn’t let his emotions show on his face. He watched Allen glance at the phone, then back at him. Allen swallowed again, then exhaled and looked at the floor before lifting his head and saying, “You wrote those notes.”
“Yes,” Rick said.
Allen’s breath hitched, his eyes growing wide. He took a step back, then another, until the backs of his knees hit the edge of the couch. He just stood there, staring at Rick.
“How?” Allen whispered. “Why?”
Rick watched him shake. He watched the confusion and fear pass across his face. “You want the truth?” Rick asked.
Allen let out a short, brittle laugh, then slapped his hand across his mouth before nodding. “What do you think?”
Rick nodded. “Okay.”
He moved closer again. Allen stayed where he was, eyes fixed on him. “They took things from me,” Rick told him. “For years.”
Allen’s brow furrowed. “Who?”
Rick didn’t answer immediately. Allen didn’t need all the names and what they’d done. “People used me,” Rick murmured. “They used my name. My work and the attention I gained. I was a product, and everyone wanted a piece. Wanted what they could get.”
Allen stared at him, his grip tightening on the burner. “What?”
“Cass wasn’t innocent. She was running her mouth. She wanted money and leverage. She wanted to sell a story with my name on it and push her own career doing so. Get a better band and singer.”
Allen’s face tightened. “She’s dead.”
“Yes, because she wouldn’t stop. Nothing was good enough for her.”
Allen shook his head. “You don’t get to decide that. People have the right to pursue their own careers.”
“Someone always decides, Allen. It’s just usually not the person being threatened.” Allen flinched at the word. Rick softened his tone a fraction because he wanted Allen to stay with him. “You think I did it because I wanted to?”
Allen’s eyes flickered away as he licked his lips. He shook his head again and slowly closed his eyes, and for a second Rick was concerned Allen would throw up.
Rick leaned in slightly, his voice low. “I did it because I had to. Because I wasn’t going to let them take what was left.”
Allen swallowed again. His gaze darted toward the door. Rick saw it and angled his body to intercept Allen if he decided to make a run for it.
“Graham?” Allen asked. “What about him? He’s—”
“Graham knew what he was doing,” Rick interrupted. “He made his money off people like me. He didn’t care what it cost. He didn’t care who he hurt or who got used up and thrown away like trash.”
Allen’s eyes were wet now. “And Elliot,” Allen said. His voice cracked on the name. “That was Friday. That was—”
Rick didn’t look away. “Elliot said my name on camera like he owned it. He acted as if he could pick at me and walk away.”
Allen went still, his eyes locked on Rick’s. “So you killed him.”
Rick held his gaze. “Yes.”
Allen let out a sound that wasn’t quite a laugh but wasn’t quite a sob either. He put his hand over his mouth and shook his head. Allen lowered his hand. “You murdered three people. You’re saying it like it’s nothing.”
Rick’s voice stayed level. “I’m saying it like it’s done.”
Allen’s shoulders shook. He looked down at the phone, his fingers tightening on the plastic. He shook his head again and glanced around the room, then back at Rick. “Shit.”
Rick took another step and reached out slowly, lifting his hand up. “Give it to me.”
Allen jerked back, holding the phone to his chest. “No.”
Rick stopped. “Okay.”
Allen stared at him, breathing hard. “What are you going to do? Take it and pretend it didn’t happen? Like the card?”
Rick’s jaw tightened. Allen had seen the card. “The card was a mistake,” Rick said. “I should’ve gotten rid of it.”
Allen’s eyes widened. “So it was the same hotel.”
Rick didn’t deny it. “Yes.”
Allen’s face crumpled and his shoulders shook. He backed away from the couch and moved toward the kitchen. He kept the phone in his hand the whole time, his other hand rubbing his chest. “I’ve got to…”
Rick followed, making sure to keep some distance between them. Allen stopped at the counter, leaning against it. He stared down at the surface and shook his head again.
“I let you in here,” Allen said, voice low and shaking. “I let you—” Allen’s throat worked. “I told you I wasn’t going anywhere.”
Rick watched Allen’s shoulders lift on a shaky breath. He heard the quiet sob but didn’t move closer. “I didn’t make you say that,” Rick said.
Allen’s head snapped up. “You did.”
Rick didn’t argue. “I asked you to be honest.”
Allen stared at him, eyes wide. “Honest? You want honest?” Allen’s hand shook as he lifted the phone up. “This isn’t honest. This is… this is a list so you could watch people and then murder them.”
Rick’s gaze flicked to it for the first time. He didn’t need to see the screen to know what was there. “It’s notes,” Rick said. “A plan.”
“You planned it,” Allen said, voice rising. “You wrote down—a flat tire. Watch. Wallet. Like it was—”
“Control,” Rick said, cutting in. “It’s called control. People like Elliot don’t get taken out by accident. That’s not how the world works.”
Allen’s face twisted. “Taken out?”
Rick’s voice stayed low. “Allen. Listen to me.”
Allen shook his head. “No. No, I don’t—I don’t want to listen. I want you to—” His voice broke. “I want you to tell me you’re joking. That what I’m seeing isn’t…” Allen hunched over. “Rick…”
“I’m not joking,” Rick said.
Allen’s breath shuddered out. He looked down, then up again, his face hardening. “Do you hear yourself?” Allen said. “You’re standing in my kitchen talking about killing people like it’s—”
“Like it’s a problem I’ve solved.”
Allen stared at him, head snapping back. “Solved?”
Rick stepped in closer, but not too close to scare Allen. “I’m not proud of it,” Rick said. “I’m telling you what it is because you found it.”
Allen’s eyes narrowed. “So, what now?”
Rick’s mouth tightened. This was the real question. This was where Allen would either run or stay. Rick paused before answering, and when he did, he chose his words carefully. “Now you breathe,” he said. “You calm down. You stop panicking.”
Allen gave a harsh laugh. “I’m not panicking. I’m—” He pressed his hand to his stomach again, swallowed. “I’m trying not to throw up.”
“Okay,” Rick said. “Sit down.”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” Allen snapped.
Rick held his gaze. “Then don’t fall over.”
Allen’s jaw clenched. He stayed standing, knuckles white on the counter. “Rick,” he warned.
Rick nodded. “Fine.”
“Are you going to kill me?” Allen asked as he took a step back.
Rick didn’t hesitate. “No.”
Allen’s eyes moved over Rick’s face. “Why not?”
Rick kept his expression steady. “I’m not here to hurt you.”
“Then why do I feel like I can’t move?” Allen asked.
“Because you’re scared.”
Allen swallowed. “I am.”
Rick nodded. “I know.”
Allen stared at him, his eyes wet with tears again. “You don’t get to say you know. You don’t—” He broke off and turned away.
Rick watched the way Allen’s throat worked, the way he pressed his lips together. Rick softened his voice. “I’m here,” he said.
Allen’s laugh came out broken. “That’s the problem.”
Rick took a deep breath. “This doesn’t change what we have,” Rick said.
Allen snapped his gaze back. “It changes everything.”
“It doesn’t have to.”
Allen stared at him like he was insane. “You killed people.”
Rick didn’t deny it. “Yes.”
Allen’s hands shook harder now. He looked at the phone, then at Rick. “You’re asking me to just… what? Accept it?”
Rick didn’t answer immediately. If Allen ran right now, he’d call the police, and Rick couldn’t allow that to happen. He didn’t want Allen’s pain and anger. He just wanted Allen to stay. Rick kept his voice low. “I’m asking you to stay,” he said.
Allen’s eyes widened. “Stay? With you?”
“Yes.”
Allen’s breath came fast. “You can’t say that like it’s—”
“I can because I don’t want to lose you.”
Allen stared at him, his mouth falling open. Rick stepped closer and lifted his hand toward Allen’s face. He paused before touching him, letting Allen pull away if he wanted, but Allen didn’t move. Rick’s fingers brushed Allen’s jaw. Allen shivered, and his eyes squeezed shut for a second.
“You’re real,” Rick said quietly. “Do you understand that?”
Allen’s eyes opened again. “What does that even mean?”
“It means you see me,” Rick said. “Not the show. Not the name. You look at me like I’m just a man.”
Allen’s mouth trembled. “You’re not just a man.”
Rick’s gaze stayed locked on him. “With you I am.”
Allen swallowed and looked away, then back again. He exhaled heavily and rubbed a hand over his face. “I don’t...” he trailed off.
Rick kept his hand on his jaw. “They weren’t going to stop,” Rick said. “Cass wasn’t going to stop. Elliot wasn’t going to stop. You don’t know what it’s like to be owned by other people and have them laugh while they do it.”
Allen’s face twisted with something like sympathy before he blanked it. “So you decided to become someone worse.”
Rick’s eyes narrowed. “I decided I wasn’t going to be used anymore.” Allen flinched at the intensity. Rick eased his grip. “You don’t have to understand it today,” he said. “You don’t have to say anything. You can hate it. You can be angry. Just don’t shut me out.”
Allen stared at him. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
Rick took a step back. He took his hand away and watched Allen. “Okay,” Rick said. “Then I’m going to make it easy.”
Allen furrowed his brow, clearly confused. “How?”
Rick glanced at the phone. “Put it on the counter,” he ordered quietly.
Allen hesitated, then did it. He put it down and stared at it. Rick didn’t reach for it.
Allen looked at him. “You’re just… leaving it?”
Rick nodded. “I’m not hiding it now. You found it, so what’s the point?”
Allen’s breathing sped up. “What if I call the police?”
“Do you want to?”
Allen stared at him, then licked his lips as he glanced between the phone and Rick. No, he was already tangled up in it and he didn’t know what to do.
“I’m going to go,” Rick said.
Allen blinked. “Go?”
“You need space. If I stay right now, you’re going to feel trapped and do something we’ll both regret.”
Allen whispered, “I am trapped.”
Rick shook his head once. “Not by me.”
Allen stared at him. “I am.”
Rick took a step toward the door and heard Allen say his name behind him. He stopped and looked back, seeing Allen’s hand gripping the edge of the counter, his eyes wide as he stared at him. “What?”
“If you leave, what happens?”
Rick kept his voice low. “You breathe and you calm down. You decide what you want after that.”
Allen swallowed. “And you?”
Rick’s mouth curved slightly. “I’ll come back,” he said.
Allen’s eyes widened. “You can’t just—”
Rick cut in. “I can.”
Allen’s gaze darted to the phone, then back to Rick. “What if I tell you not to?”
Rick held still for a minute, letting the question hang between them, then he answered honestly. “I won’t force my way in,” he said. “But I’m not disappearing, Allen.”
Allen stared at him, breathing shallow. “Rick—”
Rick softened his voice. “I’m not going to hurt you,” he said. “I’m not going to punish you for finding it. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I know I didn’t do anything wrong. That’s not the point.”
“I know.” Rick turned back toward the door and put his hand on the handle, then paused again. Rick looked over his shoulder. “Whatever you’re thinking,” he said, “don’t do it alone.”
Allen’s mouth trembled. “Don’t do it alone? What am I supposed to do with that?”
“You keep breathing,” Rick said. “And you remember I’m not the enemy.”
Allen let out a small, broken sound. “Not the enemy? You murdered three people. I should be reporting you to the police.”
Rick’s gaze stayed on him. “I meant what I said last night,” Rick added. “You’re the only real thing I have.”
Allen flinched. “Rick…” He shook his head, then staggered over to a chair and sat down heavily.
“I’ll be back.” Rick left, closing the door behind him. He would be back because Allen was his, and he wasn’t letting him go.