Chapter 29
Colin, Arthur, and Roderick gave Kate encouraging nods, then left her in the corridor outside Nathaniel’s office.
She swallowed thickly. She felt ill with dread, but there was no putting this off. The gossip would reach Nathaniel within the hour. The least she could do was tell him herself.
Raising a fist, she knocked. She heard the muffled sounds of him rising from his desk and making his way to the door.
It swung open, and she drew back. He looked ghastly. His lips, usually twitching with a barely contained grin, sagged, and his eyes looked hollow and dull. “Nat!” she exclaimed. “What’s wrong?”
The answer struck her before he could speak. He had heard. While she had been commiserating with Colin, Arthur, and Roderick, someone had run to his office to tell him.
“Kate.” His voice emerged gruff, and he cleared his throat as he stepped back, holding the door. “You’d best come in.”
She took the plain wooden chair in front of his desk, the same one she’d sat in months before when she came to this very office for an interview. She had felt certain at the time that her life was about to change.
How na?ve she had been to have hoped that it would change for the better.
Nat settled behind the desk, his hands clasped before him. “I received some bad news.”
“I know what you’re referring to,” she began.
Before she could add, Please, let me explain, he said, “You heard? About Professor Kerr?”
That brought her up short. “What about Professor Kerr?”
Nat’s eyes were miserable. “He’s decided not to resign the Natural History Chair after all. Apparently, he does this every few years—makes noises about stepping down. But inevitably, his wife persuades him to carry on.” He ran a hand over his face. “I didn’t realize.”
Kate scarcely knew what to say. It was a setback, to be sure.
But nothing compared to the scandal that was bearing down upon him.
“I’m so sorry,” she murmured.
He reached across the desk to seize her hand. “I’m the one who is sorry. Oh, Kate—I’ve been wracking my brain, trying to figure out what to do. I’ve hit upon an idea.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “But I fear you will not like it.”
Kate gathered her courage. “Wait. Before you continue, there’s something you should—”
But Nathaniel did not seem to hear her. “There are not many avenues of gainful employment that are open to me. But, like most men who have taken their undergraduate degree, I am ordained as a priest.” He opened his eyes, and they were filled with resolve.
“I therefore believe the best course of action is for me to seek a church living.”
Kate sat there, stunned. “But you do not want to be a clergyman.”
He shrugged. “It is not my first choice, but given the circumstances, I believe it is our best option.”
It was on the tip of Kate’s tongue to say that there was no need for him to take on a church living. That they could live quite well off her dowry.
But her dowry did not solve the problem of the scandal. Kate was trying to figure out how to tell him what had just happened, how to explain that, even if he remained at the university, he might find himself blackballed from future posts.
Her stomach roiled as she realized that the only way for him to keep his dream alive would be to disavow her.
Unaware of her internal turmoil, Nathaniel began ticking points off on his fingers.
“A church living is a respectable form of employment. It will also enable us to continue our work as naturalists.” He looked at her, his eyes sincere.
“Many a parish priest finds time to maintain an area of study, whether it is history, the classics, or one of the sciences. It will be in the capacity of a gentleman dilettante rather than a full-time scholar. But we will be able to continue our work.”
Kate’s heart squeezed, that he would be willing to give up so much for her. It was a wonderful gesture.
But it was too much.
Her voice was quiet but steady as she said, “I could never ask you to give up your dream of attaining a professorship.”
He waved this off. “That is behind me now. We must focus on what must be done. I will speak to Principal Baird and see if he is aware of any vacancies. There is also your brother-in-law, the duke.” His expression grew pained.
“I hate to ask, but he is bound to have a few livings within his gift, and he’s bound to know many men of influence who are in a similar position.
Of course, he does not know me, but perhaps if you were to write to him, he might be persuaded to advocate on my behalf. ”
Kate drew in a slow breath, gathering the courage to say what had to be said. “I can see that you feel obligated to do this—”
“Obligated?” Nathaniel looked more confused than anything else. “I assure you, I am not proposing this out of a sense of obligation.”
“It is noble of you to say that. But I know you do not wish to give up your career in academia.”
He shrugged. “Of course not. But that door has closed, and now, we must forge a new path. Together.”
She wrung her hands. “It’s only… I can’t bear for you to come to resent me when you realize how much you have given up.”
“I could never resent you.” He tried to take her hands, but she drew hers back. He frowned. “Kate? What’s wrong?”
“Something has happened,” she said in a rush.
“This morning. It was Iain Galbreath. He figured out my secret. It must’ve happened when we were playing the skittles game, and the two of us went down in a tangle.
Do you remember? He felt the padding I added to my coat and the strip of linen I’ve been using to bind my breasts.
He realized what it meant. That I am a woman. ”
Nat’s face, which had looked ashen since she opened his door, was growing ruddy. “Did he threaten to expose you?”
She laughed. “He did expose me, in front of Professor Hope and the two-hundred-some-odd students in attendance at my morning chemistry lecture.”
“He what?” Nat cried. He shook his head as if he was struggling to understand. “Surely, this is more reason than ever for us to marry. With haste.”
“I won’t do that to you,” she insisted. “This is what you must do—you must claim that you were ignorant of my deception. That I maintained my disguise for the duration of our expedition, and you are in every way innocent.”
He looked shocked. “Don’t be absurd, Kate! You could be carrying my child!”
“Oh!” Why had it not occurred to her that this might be his concern? “I’m not. My courses came three days ago.” She did her best to smile, although it felt forced. “There were no consequences of our… er… interlude.”
His voice was tremulous. “I assure you, there were consequences for me. And don’t refer to it as an interlude.
I assure you, it was not temporary.” He knelt on the wooden floor and took her hands, ignoring her attempts to wriggle away.
“Talk to me, Kate. What on earth is going on? Why are you making these absurd suggestions?”
She bristled. “They’re not absurd! Can’t you see I’m doing this for you?”
He snorted. “You think you’re doing me a favor by breaking my heart?”
Breaking his… She almost gave in at that.
But she knew it was a mere gallantry. That she could never mean as much to him as his career.
If he had to give up his academic dreams on her account, he would one day come to resent her.
“You’ll thank me someday. When you attain the professorship you deserve. ”
His eyes seared her soul. “Hang the professorship! It would be a cold comfort if I don’t have you by my side.”
She blinked, stunned. It was hard to do what she knew she must when he was looking at her with such conviction.
He clearly believed what he was saying. But she knew that with each passing day, as he realized what he had given up, he would grow embittered.
“You say that now. But I know how it is with academics such as yourself. Nothing is more important to you than your work. Nothing. And if I were to come between you and success in your career, you would only come to resent me.”
He had been peering at her, eyes crinkled in confusion. But as she said this, they slowly opened. She watched in horror as comprehension swept across his face. “This is about your father. Isn’t it?”