Chapter Forty-Three
Ruan parked in front of a modest detached house in a small development on the edge of town. Tammy tried to steady her heart rate.
‘OK?’ he asked when Tammy didn’t immediately open the passenger door in front of her mother’s place. ‘Take a moment if you’re not ready yet.’
She turned to him. ‘I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. Is it OK to pick me up in a couple of hours after you see Kathleen?’
‘Of course. Let me know if you need me sooner.’
‘Thanks, but you also need time with Kathleen. Are you ready for that?’
‘No,’ he said with a rueful smile which made him look even more handsome and vulnerable in a way she found endearing despite her better judgement. The urge to kiss him was intense so she opened the car door to escape.
‘Bye.’
‘See you later. Good luck,’ he said.
‘You too.’
As Ruan drove away, Tammy realised she’d only escaped from the frying pan into the fire.
She had to take a deep breath before walking up the drive to the house.
Both she and Ruan had news to deliver that could shatter the lives of the people they were visiting – or, at the very least, cause a great deal of trouble.
At least Tammy’s mother, Debbie, would be on her own so they’d have privacy. When Tammy had called her to arrange the visit, she’d told Tammy it was her day off from the hair salon she co-owned, and that her husband, Patrick, would be out at work.
This was a relief to Tammy as Patrick was the same man with whom Debbie had had the affair in Cornwall and eventually married. Tammy had no desire ever to meet him again and had been relieved that he hadn’t decided to come down for her father’s funeral.
Her mother answered the door, her face deeply tanned and her blond hair falling neatly on her shoulders.
She was wearing white skinny jeans and a loose sweater, and, as usual, she was immaculately made-up.
She’d always been glamorous despite everything the Cornish elements could throw at her – and even the Scottish climate had failed to make an impact.
Tammy hadn’t inherited her mother’s interest in fashion and make-up and instead had been a child of the great outdoors, like her father – or so she’d thought until recently.
Debbie greeted Tammy in an accent that also hadn’t changed a bit. ‘Hello, stranger.’
‘Hi, Mum. You look well.’
‘We’ve just got back from Ibiza. You look well, too, but I suppose you would, working outside all the time. I saw your friend drop you off.’
‘Did you?’
‘He was a man.’
‘Well spotted,’ Tammy replied, and then cursed herself for her sarcasm.
‘I didn’t mean to sound nosy,’ her mum said sniffily.
‘I know. Sorry. Ruan’s a friend and he had business up here too, so we decided to share the costs of driving and the accommodation. The apartment has two beds,’ she added hastily.
Her mum held up her hands. ‘It’s none of my business, Tammy. Come inside. I’ll put the kettle on. Tea or coffee?’
‘Coffee, please and, Mum, let’s not get off on the wrong foot. I didn’t come all this way to have a row.’
‘I sincerely hope not. I’m looking forward to hearing why you did come, though. You were very mysterious on the phone. Anyway, sit down and make yourself at home.’
Relaxing was impossible. When her mother returned with two mugs and a packet of chocolate digestives, Tammy was rehearsing yet again how to broach the subject of Neil’s note.
For a few minutes, she and her mother made small talk about her journey, about the area and the house and how her mother’s salon was doing. Tammy was so on edge she could hardly get the coffee down, and she only accepted a biscuit to stall for time, but the crumbs lodged in her already-dry throat.
The letter was in her backpack – and already she was feeling how crazy it had been to come all the way up here to show it to her mum. Nothing good could come of it. Should she make up some other excuse for coming, rather than launch her bombshell?
‘So, put me out of my misery. I’ve been so worried since you called me, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep. Are you OK? Please tell me you’re not ill because I’ve been beside myself.’
‘No. I’m fine. It’s nothing like that,’ Tammy said, surprised at the anguish in her mum’s voice. Only now did she see the deeper lines of anxiety under the make-up and tan. ‘Really, I am absolutely fine. I promise.’
Her shoulders slumped in relief. ‘Thank God for that. I had worked myself up so much, I was sure you were going to tell me something was terribly wrong.’
‘No, I’m good … It’s not me.’ She clasped her hands lightly in her lap to stop them from trembling and her heart beat faster by the second.
‘I need to ask you something, Mum …’ She faltered at the last and the question that she thought she’d come to ask wasn’t the one that tumbled from her lips. ‘Why did you leave me?’
Her mother frowned. ‘You could have come with me.’
‘I didn’t want to leave Cornwall.’
‘And I did . You wanted to stay with your dad. You were adamant. We’ve been through this so many times. Nothing has changed. I had to go because I was so unhappy with your dad and he was unhappy living with me too. You had to choose a side and I’m sorry for that.’
‘He was unhappy because of the split.’ Tammy’s carefully planned speech flew out of the window as all the old conflicts and heartache flooded her again.
‘I know you blame me for your dad going off the rails but he wasn’t in the best place before I met Patrick.
He’d never thought he was good enough: for me or for you.
He’d inherited Rosewarne from his grandparents and felt he hadn’t earned it.
He said he could never have afforded it if he’d had to buy or rent it. ’
‘Poor Dad. He never said any of that to me.’
‘No, he wanted to protect you, I suppose. I tried to convince him he was enough for me and a great father to you. He adored you from the moment he saw you.’ Her mother’s eyes were suddenly bright with tears. ‘We both did.’
Tammy choked back a sob. ‘You say Dad adored me from the moment I was born. But, Mum, what if he suspected that …’
Her mother’s eyes narrowed. ‘I don’t know what you mean. Suspected what?’
‘That I might not be … That I could be – that Davey is my real father.’
Her mother’s mouth gaped and she pushed her hair off her face. ‘Davey? Where the hell did you get that idea from?’
‘It was – something I read it in a letter from my dad to Walter,’ Tammy said, now wishing she hadn’t blurted out her worries so bluntly. ‘I think Walter told him something that pushed him over the edge.’
‘What? What are you talking about? Where’s this letter?’ her mother demanded. ‘You say that Walter was involved?’
‘It’s in my bag. It sounds like Walter accused you and Davey of having an affair and my dad went berserk and wrote to him telling him to leave us all alone.’
‘Walter! That evil bugger. You shouldn’t believe a word he said.’ She held out her hand. ‘Can I see it? Please.’
Tammy handed over the note and her mother read it, shaking her head and cursing softly before throwing it on the coffee table.
‘Whatever Walter told your father sounds like a pack of malicious lies. I never had an affair with Davey. I only liked him for your father’s sake.
Davey never thought I was good enough for Neil.
They were very close and sometimes I thought he was jealous. ’
‘What? You’re saying he wanted more than friendship from Dad?’
‘No. Not in a romantic way. Only that they were boyhood buddies and I came between them. But I welcomed him into our home and I tried to be warm and friendly. There is no way I would ever have had an affair with Davey. Have you asked him?’ she said sharply.
‘He’ll give you your answer. He wasn’t my biggest fan either. ’
‘I haven’t told him about the note. I can’t. He’s been diagnosed with prostate cancer and I couldn’t throw this at him too. Which is why I came to you first.’
Her mother folded her arms and Tammy braced herself for an outburst but instead she said. ‘Look, I’m sorry for Davey. Is it bad, the cancer?’
‘I think it’s been caught at an early stage, though it’s still a big worry.’
‘I can imagine. It must be tough on you when you’re so close. Davey has been like a father to you and for that I’m very grateful to him, but I swear on my life that he and I never had an affair. You must believe that.’
‘I do. I – I’m sorry for throwing it at you but why would Walter make up these accusations?’
‘Because he was a vindictive and twisted old sod!’ her mum declared. ‘And also because, maybe, he once tried it on with me.’
‘What?’ Tammy covered her mouth with her hand. ‘Mum, I’m so sorry.’
‘Oh, it was nothing physically threatening. He came round while your dad was out and you were at school. And he was all friendly and pleasant – to start with – and then he told me I was wasting my time on a loser like Neil and why didn’t we have some arrangement.
’ She shuddered. ‘He was old enough to be my father, for God’s sake. ’
Tammy felt sick.
‘I told him where to get off, of course, and never to darken the doorstep again. I never let on to your dad. He’d have killed Walter but I didn’t feel the same about living there after that.
I think it was a factor in me wanting to move away from Cornwall.
I’m not proud of having an affair with Patrick, but it’s too late to turn back the clock now. ’
‘God, Mum, how horrible for you. I’d no idea.’
‘I decided to keep it to myself because of the trouble it would have caused. Now, though, I’m thinking of your dad and how bad he must have felt when he heard whatever crap Walter tried to feed him.
He never mentioned it to me, yet he must have been so angry and hurt.
I’m glad he didn’t believe there was a shred of truth in it – and neither should you. ’
‘I don’t. Not now. But you can see why I was upset when I saw it.’
‘I can.’ Her mum curled her lip in disgust. ‘Jesus. That man – Walter – has poisoned so many lives.’ She put her hand on Tammy’s arm.
‘I do love you. I do care. Things just went wrong for our family. They can slip away so slowly, you don’t even notice until one day there’s no solid ground under your feet and everything has changed forever. ’
Tammy brushed away impending tears with the back of her hand. ‘I thought you and Davey having an affair and Dad suspecting I wasn’t his might have been a reason why he – why he might have gone into the sea on purpose.’
‘No. No, I don’t believe that. He was in a good place when he went missing. I tried to tell you that at the funeral, but you were too upset. I tried to call you afterwards too.’
‘I didn’t want to speak to you.’
‘You were grieving. We all were. I never stopped loving your dad, even though I couldn’t live with him. He was doing OK. Ask Davey.’
‘Davey has said the same. I haven’t wanted to hear it.’
‘Tammy, I hate to say this, but while we’re being honest, I think you have to come to terms with the fact you can never know exactly what happened that day.
The probability is that your dad went out fishing when he knew the weather wasn’t great.
He might not have been taking too much care.
You know he knew the waters so well. Too well.
I think he was simply bloody unlucky to get into trouble and be alone at the time. ’
Tammy’s tears would no longer be stemmed and she let out a sob.
‘Please. Come here. We’re not touchy-feely people, but this is one occasion when we both need each other.’
Her mother held her and Tammy didn’t push her way. Her tears were long overdue. So many of them, in fact, that a flood was unstoppable.
Eventually, they dried up.
Her mum’s mascara was running down her face. ‘I bet I look a sight,’ she murmured, holding up a tissue streaked with black.
‘I’m glad I didn’t bother with make-up,’ Tammy said, smiling now with relief. She blew her nose. ‘I wish you hadn’t left us, but I understand why you did. I wish Dad was here, but I’ve accepted that he isn’t. I’ve been doing some tributes to him. I can show you.’
‘I’d like to see them. I heard you were doing well. I googled you and I still have a couple of mates in Porthmellow who tell me about you. I’ve seen your socials too. You are so talented. I’m very proud, even though you may not think it. I love you, Tammy.’
‘I love you too. It broke me when I lost you.’
‘You’ve never lost me. I’m still here,’ she said fiercely. ‘Please let me back in your life.’
‘I will. I will. And now I’d really better get back.’
‘To your friend?’ Her mother raised an enquiring eyebrow.
‘It’s complicated,’ Tammy conceded. ‘And I don’t need any more complications in my life right now.’
Her mother smiled. ‘Right now . Not forever. There’s hope in that, then?’
Tammy didn’t know how to reply so she simply smiled. It was easier than trying to articulate a situation and feelings she found impossible to understand, let alone explain.