Chapter Forty-Nine
‘Thank you so much. It’s way better than I’d dreamed! You are so brilliant.’
‘We’ll never forget this for the rest of our lives. I’d no idea that Shaznay was going to propose.’
‘I had to pretend I’d seen some seals down here to get Dawn out of the hotel. I didn’t dare say I wanted to go for a walk because she knows I’m no rambler!’
Dawn giggled and slipped her arm around her fiancée’s shoulders.
Faced with the ecstatic middle-aged couple who’d just become engaged, Tammy kept her own forced smile in place. She was delighted for them, but the pain of her conversation with Ruan the day before was still so raw.
‘You’re very welcome. Congratulations. I’ve taken photos and the drone operator will send you the footage separately.’
‘Thank you for arranging it.’
‘No problem. You’re lucky because this is one of the few beaches where drones are allowed to fly.
It’s been an absolute pleasure to be here for your special moment,’ Tammy added, feeling she was overcompensating by gushing.
She absolutely didn’t want her own despondent mood to affect this occasion, even though the last thing she’d wanted to do was a proposal, but Dawn and Shaznay were such lovely people.
‘Well, I have to say this is probably the happiest moment of my life,’ Shaznay said.
‘And mine,’ declared Dawn, looking lovingly into Shaznay’s eyes. ‘I never thought it would come. I never thought, at fifty-eight, that I would find the love of my life or dare to be with her.’
‘I had to pretend to be someone else for so long,’ Shaznay said with tears running down her face. ‘Now, here I am with my love for this amazing woman written all over a beach for anyone to see. I’m so glad we found each other.’
Tammy had a lump in her throat as her happiness for the couple and despair at her own situation battled each other for supremacy. She was on the verge of tears herself – again – and knew she had to get away.
‘I’m so happy for you,’ she managed to squeeze out. ‘Now, I apologise that I have to rush off to another … appointment, but I’m sure you’ll want to spend this time together to enjoy your design. Congrats again!’
She left the couple, holding hands on the cliff above the beach, watching as the tide started to lap at the proposal: a love knot with ‘Be Mine 4 Ever’ inscribed underneath.
She jogged off along the coastal path, threw the tools in the back of the van, and got into the driver’s seat. She rested her arms on the steering wheel and took a few calming breaths.
Dawn and Shaznay had risked a lot to be together. Dawn had been in an abusive marriage and Shaznay’s family had cut her off when she’d moved in with Dawn.
Everyone she knew wanted her to be with Ruan. He was offering her a home: her beloved home. She wanted to be with him and he loved her.
Why was she waiting?
It used to be that she’d never met anyone she could even contemplate spending ‘forever’ with. Now she had and she was so terrified she’d lose him that she couldn’t commit.
It was madness yet it was how she felt. As if demons of the past were clinging on to her with their sharp talons, trying to drag her back from jumping into the light.
Davey was sitting at the wheel in his studio when she returned, working it with his foot as he had as long as she could remember. He was looking tired after a radiotherapy session and didn’t notice her. She waited for him to finish the pot he was throwing and stop the wheel.
‘Hello,’ she said, stepping nearer. ‘How’s it going?’
‘OK. It’s great to be finally done with the hotel commission and on to something fresh.’
‘Good. But I meant with the treatment.’
‘OK, I suppose. Well, actually, it’s pretty crap and I’ve still got a long way to go. It leaves me knackered but I shouldn’t complain. It could be so much worse.’
Tammy patted his back and flipped a thumb towards the kitchenette. ‘Cuppa?’
‘Yes, please.’
When they were both hunkered down in the kitchen, he asked, ‘How did this morning go?’ The earlier overcast skies had darkened and rain was drumming on the studio roof. Tammy shivered.
‘It was good. Better than good. The couple were lovely and really happy with the proposal.’ Tammy sipped her tea and then sought refuge in the cup.
‘You don’t sound really happy.’
Tammy sighed and met his eye. ‘No. It’s been a difficult couple of days.’
‘Being given a choice often makes life difficult. It forces us into decisions we’ve been putting off. I used to think it was easier not to make those decisions, and safer to stay in the same old groove. Meanwhile, I was turning into the kind of old grump I’d have laughed at in my youth.’
Tammy looked at him in surprise.
‘I don’t want to be one of those old gits sitting on the bench outside the Smuggler’s, envious of the youngsters and moaning at everything. I don’t want to take root and never try anything new. So, I’ve decided to go mad and move in with Breda. God knows what she sees in me, but she’s agreed.’
‘Davey, that’s – amazing.’
He chuckled. ‘You look as if I told you I was emigrating to the South Pole.’
‘I – I’m really thrilled for you both. It’s wonderful.’
‘For me it is. I want to make Breda happy – or die trying.’
‘You can’t.’
‘Maybe not for a good while but I certainly intend to make the most of every minute I have left. And so should you – but that’s none of my business.
What is my business is making sure you have a roof over your head.
If you’re not going to accept Rosewarne, then you need a place to live.
I plan on letting out my old flat but you’re welcome to stay in yours for as long as you want.
In fact, I’m going to sign it over to you permanently. ’
Tammy held up her hands in dismay. ‘No, you can’t do it.’
‘I want to. You need a start in life and I don’t need three places, now do I? You can have the flat – I’ve spoken to my accountant about how to do it so you don’t lose out too much with the taxman.’
‘B-but … Davey …’
He took her hands in his. ‘No buts. I may not be your dad, but I will make sure you have the legacy Neil would have given you if he could. Is me giving you the flat any different than you inheriting a home from your father?’
‘No. No, I suppose not. Only it seems way too generous.’
Davey let go of her hands and folded his arms. ‘Stop now. You’re having the place and that’s that. You can stay in it or sell it or whatever.’
‘I won’t sell it. I love living there.’
‘Maybe, but it isn’t Rosewarne, is it?’
‘I don’t give a toss about Rosewarne, I care … about …’
He raised his eyebrows and folded his arms. ‘Go on, girl, say it.’
‘I care about – being happy … you being happy with Breda, and me—’
‘You and Ruan?’
‘Don’t make me say things I can’t.’
‘Girl, you have to let someone help you. Take the hand they’re reaching out; don’t blow your big chance.’
‘I want to. I do. I need to find the courage.’
‘It’s inside you, I promise. You’ve been through so much. You survived a lot of loss and heartbreak and you thrived.’
‘Thrived? Have I?’
‘Only you can decide. But make it quick, my love, before it’s too late.’
Tammy walked along the beach. Davey was right.
She had survived, but as for thriving … that was a word that meant growing, blossoming; it meant being truly alive in every sense.
It wasn’t scraping by and hiding away, but being alive and open to life’s possibilities, to opportunities – to love and happiness.
Walter had been alive, technically, but he was only a husk in many ways.
With a shudder, she hugged herself and walked faster. The tide was turning just as it always did. She could hear the change in the tone of the waves, sense the shift. She couldn’t stop it, so why even try? Why shouldn’t she change?
But was it too late?