Chapter 11
Bernadette
‘He’s fine. Your dad’s fine, so don’t worry,’ Bernadette blurted, reassuring her daughter, just as little Casey threw his arms around Bernadette’s leg, like the koala bear he’d seen at Edinburgh Zoo the weekend before.
He refused to be prised off, so she had to walk to the kitchen, dragging one leg behind her.
‘Remind me how cute he is when I’m in getting my hip replacement,’ she said, so grateful for the light moment that she could have let him stay there, hugging her all day, delaying the inevitable.
Eventually Nina tempted him off using the persuasive powers of strawberry yogurt, while scrutinising her mother’s face for a hint as to what had warranted the unexpected visit.
‘Right Tiger, why don’t we give you a treat and let you watch SpongeBob,’ Nina said, evoking a riotous cheer from her son, who then darted over to the family area of the kitchen and parked himself in front of the TV.
‘Yet another thing I said I’d never do,’ Nina mused.
‘It’s up there with feeding them anything that isn’t organic and bribing them to go to bed at night. ’
‘I was guilty on all those counts too,’ Bernadette said, with a wry smile.
Her daughter was a great mum to Casey and Milo.
Compassionate. Thoughtful. Focussed. It was what had made her a great nurse.
Bernadette had been surprised when Nina had followed her into the job, albeit in a very different field.
‘The kettle’s just boiled, Mum. I’ll just be a sec, if you want to get the mugs out.’
Bernadette busied herself making tea while Nina sorted the TV out for Casey, trying to steady her hands as she poured the water into the mugs.
Nina had married a lovely guy, Gerry, an electrician for a local house-building company.
They’d got a good discount on this house because Gerry worked for the company and finished it himself.
They didn’t have a great deal of money, now that Nina was only working part-time, but they were happy.
At least, Bernadette thought they were. Who really knew what went on behind closed doors?
She was pretty sure anyone who looked at her life with Kenneth would think they’d had a great marriage.
If only it had felt that way from the inside.
Casey settled and engrossed in the cartoon, Milo gurgling happy in a playpen next to them, Nina finally sat down.
‘Ok Mum, you’re going to have to tell me really quickly what’s wrong because my imagination is running riot here and my heart is thudding like a train. So whatever it is, you need to blurt it out. Are you sick? Is Dad sick? That’s it, isn’t it? Oh God, Mum, I’m so…’
‘I’m leaving your dad, Nina.’
That hadn’t come out the way she’d planned at all.
What had happened to breaking it gently, pre-empting it with reassurances and explanations to soften the blow?
Nina had always been a daddy’s girl, adored her father, hung on his every word.
And now she was staring at her, chin dropped, eyes wide, completely speechless.
Bernadette reacted to the silence by going into panic mode, a state that sent a direct message to her gob to ramble like a woman possessed.
‘Nina, I’m sorry, love, I didn’t mean to blurt it out like that.
I know this will be shocking to you, but I promise it won’t change anything.
I’ll still be here. I just can’t stay and there are a million reasons, but I won’t go into them, because… ’
‘It’s about time.’ Nina had finally found her voice.
‘…What?’ Bernadette wasn’t sure she’d heard right.
Nina sighed, then took a sip of her tea. ‘It’s about time,’ she repeated. ‘Mum, I don’t know how you’ve stuck it so long.’
Bernadette sagged back in her chair, completely flabbergasted. ‘I don’t understand. I thought you’d be upset, devastated even.’
Nina sighed, clearly neither upset nor devastated at all.
‘Mum, you’ve been unhappy for years.’
‘I have. Oh God knows, I have. But I thought… I didn’t realise I’d let it show. Or that you’d picked up on it.’
The corners of Nina’s mouth turned up as she leaned over and put her hand over her mother’s. ‘Mum, I’m a psychiatric nurse. I’d be pretty shite at my job if I hadn’t noticed.’
Bernadette was finding it hard to absorb this unexpected turn of events. ‘But you never said.’
‘Because you didn’t either. Look, Mum, I get it.
I love Dad, but I see how you live. I know that there’s no warmth, no real affection.
I wasn’t aware of it when I was growing up, but I think as I got older, maybe when I started my training, that I began to notice it.
Not to mention the fact that you have nothing in common except us. ’
‘I wish you’d said something.’
Nina shrugged. ‘Mum, some people go through their whole lives like that because it’s what works for them.
I’m not going to take sides in this, and to be honest, I don’t want to know the details – I think that’s between you and Dad – but I understand and I’ll support you. I just want you both to be happy.’
A lump formed in Bernadette’s throat. ‘How did you get so wise?’
‘Ah, that’s Dad’s genes,’ she joked. ‘I’m kidding! Look, he’s a great surgeon but he has the emotional intelligence of a plant. Oh, God…’
‘What?’
‘Have you met someone else?’
‘No, of course not!’
‘Sorry. I knew the answer to that before I asked it.’
A silence while both of them recalibrated.
Nina’s energy dropped a little. ‘So what did he say when you told him?’
‘I haven’t.’
This time Nina’s reaction came with a very definite edge of shock. ‘You haven’t told him?’
Bernadette shook her head. ‘No. Look, Nina, I’m not going to bad-mouth your father to you, or put you in the middle of us, and there’s no way to make you understand without doing that.
’ She didn’t need to know that he was controlling, that he was short-tempered, aggressive, cold, cruel.
He’d never shown any of those traits to the kids – if he had she’d have left him years ago.
Only her. Her daughter still had a lifelong relationship with her father ahead of her, so Bernadette didn’t want to do anything to taint that.
And yes, the irony was there. Even now she was still defending him, making sure people only saw him in the best light.
‘You’re just going to have to trust me on why I’m doing it this way, but the reality is that if I tried to tell him in advance, he wouldn’t accept it, Nina,’ she said, desperately hoping her daughter would accept her reasoning without question.
‘So I’m going to move out today, and I’ll tell him when he gets home tonight.
It’ll be a done deal. There’s no other way – I just wanted to make sure you knew because I didn’t want to spring that on you, my love. ’
Nina leaned over into the playpen to give Milo back the baby elephant that he’d tossed out of his reach.
‘But, Mum, surely you could discuss it with him and do this properly? I mean, for God’s sake, it’s not like he’ll go nuts and wreck the place.
’ She finished with a laugh, finding the thought preposterous.
Bernadette didn’t react.
‘Mum…?’ She took Bernadette’s silence, analysed it, interpreted it, and went to the conclusion supported by perception skills honed over years of pulling information out of people who were reluctant to volunteer it.
‘Mum, is Dad violent?’ Every word in the question was seeped in horror. ‘Oh God, Mum, don’t tell me he’s been…’
Bernadette shook her head. ‘No, not violent. He’s never laid a finger on me, I promise, love.’
Nina visibly sagged with relief and Bernadette struggled with how to give her just enough to explain, but not enough to damage.
‘Let’s just say, he hasn’t decided this is to happen, so he’s not going to take it well.’
‘He’s controlling,’ Nina said. It was a realisation, not a question, so Bernadette didn’t reply. This was the nurse talking now, not the daughter. ‘I should have seen that.’
‘Nina, you couldn’t…’
‘I did see it.’
‘What?’
‘Not with you, Mum. With me. When I said I was marrying Gerry. Dad ordered me not to, said he wasn’t good enough, didn’t earn enough, that I could do better. He said there was no way he was letting me marry an electrician, or any other kind of tradesman.’
Now it was Bernadette who was shocked. ‘When? I had no idea! I’m so sorry, pet, I would have said something if I’d known.
Oh bollocks – I said I wouldn’t bad-mouth your father to you, but what a pompous arse he is.
Gerry’s a great husband and dad – that’s a good man you’ve got there.
To be honest, I knew your father wasn’t impressed, but I didn’t think for a minute that he’d share that with you. What did you say?’
Nina shrugged. ‘I told him it was none of his business and I was marrying Gerry whether he liked it or not. That’s why Gerry doesn’t come over so much…’
‘I thought it was because he was always on overtime.’
‘It’s that as well. But Dad has just never made an effort with him.
Tolerates him. I thought he was just being overprotective – being a dad – and that he’d chill out eventually.
I didn’t realise that it was a sign of something more.
I’m sorry, Mum. I should’ve seen it. Do you want me to come over tonight, to be there when you tell him?
Gerry is working late but I can get someone to come look after the kids and be with you. ’
‘No, love. This is between your father and me and I don’t want you involved. Besides, you shouldn’t have to deal with my dramas.’ A pause. ‘Feels strange saying that. My dramas. I’ve spent my whole life keeping the peace.’
Nina refilled their cups, then sat back down. ‘So where are you going to go? You know you can always come here. There’s an extra bed in Milo’s room…’
For the first time since she got there, Bernadette’s eyes filled with tears.
It was the kindness that did it. She could handle aggression, and disdain, and anxiety and unpleasant truths, because that was what she was used to, but the kindness made her soul melt.
The gods had been on her side when they’d helped her create this incredible woman in front of her.
‘Thanks, but I’m going to go to Auntie Sarah’s for a while until I find somewhere just for me.
’ That thought pushed the tears back. Her own place.
Hers. No one looking over her shoulder, no demands, no tension.
Just hers. That was the picture she was going to hang on to today until it was all over, the mental image that was going to get her through.
That, and the fact that Nina had been so supportive.
Bernadette felt a niggle of guilt. She’d known nothing about Kenneth warning Nina off Gerry.
What an arse. Why hadn’t Nina mentioned it?
Why hadn’t she known? Had she been so busy keeping the peace and walking on eggshells that she hadn’t noticed what was going on under her nose?
Kenneth was forever telling her what a terrible wife she was.
She just prayed her kids didn’t think she’d been a crap mum too.
Nina spoke up. ‘Do me a favour then – if it suits, make it near here, Mum. We’d love to have you closer. The boys would love to see you even more. And then when you meet someone else…’
‘Trust me, I’m never going to meet someone else. I’ve had enough of men for a lifetime.’
It was meant as a joke, but there was no hiding the grain of truth in there.
‘Do you think Dad will?’
‘What? Meet someone else? I don’t know. I suppose he will.
’ It wasn’t a scenario she’d contemplated, hadn’t thought that far ahead.
Over the years, she’d thought he might have played the field at those conventions he went to – heaven knows he was good enough with the charm – but she’d long since ceased to care.
God help the poor woman who fell for Kenneth Anderson.
Bernadette could see how it could happen.
The distinguished, attractive looks, the greying hair that worked just fine for George Clooney.
Add in a shade of Piers Brosnan, Sean Connery’s accent and the prestigious medical career, and there was no denying that on the surface, he was a catch.
There was every chance that some other woman out there would step into her shoes.
Whoever it was, she was welcome to them – but she just hoped that the deluded soul wouldn’t regret it as Bernadette had done.
Nina leaned over and hugged her. ‘As long as you’re okay, Mum. We love you.’
‘I love you too, pet. I can’t tell you how much or how proud I am of you. And thank you. I was dreading telling you all this. I’m so grateful you took it so well.’
‘So what are you going to do now?’ Nina asked, as they both stood up.
Bernadette leaned into the playpen to lift Milo out and give him a hug goodbye.
‘I’m going to tell your brother. I don’t mind telling you I’m not looking forward to it.’
The look of concern on Nina’s face said it all. ‘Yeah, that one might not go quite so smoothly.’