CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
WALKER
It’s been six hours since my mom showed up outside my apartment door, and since then, all I have been able to think about is Sonya. It’s not new. She’s often the subject of all my thoughts, but this is different. She used to be a dusting, a distant image that fills my head, but for the last six hours, she’s been the leading actress in every thought. Every single one of them.
A warm coloring on the usual black and white images that fill my mind. She is the center of my fucking universe. The echo of my mom’s words sits on my shoulders, pressing down and anchoring me to the reality of everything. Sonya is the sun. She’s my sun.
And I don’t know what to do with that, but I should. For the last few weeks— hell , the last few months—I’ve been avoiding my own reflection. Avoiding the truth that has been obvious since the day I met Sonya. I have been delusional about everything going on between us. I thought we were friends. It’s what I’ve been telling myself since she walked into my life and lit up the edges. She’s been burning her way to the center of my life, taking up every inch.
Her warmth is a branding on my skin. I gave her my heart the second she stumbled into my lap and called me Cowboy, and I never once bothered to ask for it back. I happily gave it over to her. It was easy to do. The way she has slipped into my life. Pressing into the corners of my mind, my body, my bed.
She’s everywhere.
In everything.
She is everything.
I can’t imagine ever wanting anyone else. She’s it for me, and I’ve just been too blind to my own denial to admit it to myself. She’s all I want. She’s all I am ever going to want, and I realize that now in blinding color. I’ve let myself go too long without being honest with myself, and I don’t care to keep making that mistake. Not with Sonya.
Fish’s soft purr fills the room, pulling my attention from the ceiling when she leaps up and lands softly on my chest. Her small white paws knead my shirt before she lies down, resting her chin against my shoulder. I run my hand down her back, and she nuzzles further into my body. A smile curls up on my lips when her eyes shut, content with making herself at home.
“What do you think, girlie? What should I do?” I ask, letting my eyes drift back to the living room ceiling.
Her eyes flicker open, only for a second before she curls back up and ignores me, not even shuffling when the apartment door opens, and the hallway light bleeds into the dark apartment.
“Hey, Flynn,” I say, lifting my head off the pillow just enough to look over the back of the couch before falling back into the cushions.
“Hey,” she says, shutting the door. “Are you sleeping out here?”
I nod my head, lifting my arm up to tuck under my head and cross my ankles as she approaches the couch. Her bag sliding down to the floor before scooping Fish up, and bringing her up to her chest. She presses her lips to her head, sinking down onto the couch.
“My mom made a surprise visit,” I fill her in, sitting up to grab my glasses off the table.
“Your mom’s here?” Her eyes widen slightly, letting Fish drape over her lap. “Is that a good thing? How do we feel about this?”
“It’s a good thing. We talked,” I assure her, running my fingers into my hair. “She understands why I’m staying.”
“That’s great, Walk. I knew she would,” she says, nudging my knee with her foot before her eyes move over my face. It takes only a second for her brows to pull together curiously. “There’s something else you’re not telling me.”
“She met Sonya today.”
Flynn’s face lights up. “Oh, yeah? How did that go?”
“Good, I think,” I say, shuffling in my seat. “I don’t know if I can keep doing this with her. She’s…there is more to us than friends, isn’t there?”
“I don’t think you need me to answer that for you if you’re questioning it,” she says, her feet dropping back to the carpeted floor. “What are you going to do?”
“I should talk to her, right?”
“Walker.” Her smile is gentle as she gets up to her feet with Fish in her arms and smooths her free hand down the front of her shirt. “Since the day you met Sonya, you’ve been completely in love with her. It may have taken a while for you to realize that and admit it to yourself, but the two of you have gotten this far. I know how scary it is to be open and honest about how you feel, but you owe it to yourself to try, don’t you think?”
“I don’t want to lose her.”
“If there is one thing I know about Sonya, it’s that you are never going to lose her,” she says, leaning down to kiss the top of my head. “Denying how you feel is only going to dig you a deeper hole. You have to be honest with her.”
“Yeah.” I chew my bottom lip, scrubbing my hand over my jaw.
If I had just listened to her from the beginning and been honest with myself, everything could have been so different. Things between Sonya and I wouldn’t be so hazy. We wouldn’t be walking around blindly.
“Just think about it.” She pats my chest. “I’m going to get ready for bed. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Night, Flynn.”
She wanders off, and I stare straight ahead. My thoughts swim back to Sonya as the dust settles around me. If I sit in this feeling any longer, I might drive myself insane. We made an agreement to be honest with each other when things changed, and things changed for me a long time ago. I probably should have been honest from the start that things had never strictly been friends for me, but I wasn’t exactly being honest with myself.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I lean forward and reach for my phone off the coffee table. If I put this off, I’m going to fold it over until the feeling is buried deep.
“Hi, Cowboy,” Sonya answers on the second ring. “How did things go?”
“Good,” I say, leaning back. “We worked everything out. She’s going to stay for a few days, so I’ve been kicked to the couch.”
“That’s great. I knew everything would work out.”
“Yeah, you did.” I swallow and rest my head back against the couch.
“You know, if you don’t want to spend the night on the couch, I happen to have a warm spot in my bed with your name on it,” she says. “If you wanted to come over.”
“Is that your way of booty calling me, Sunny?”
Her giggle fills my ear, wrapping tightly around my heart and squeezing tightly. “You called me, Cowboy. I’m just offering a better sleeping arrangement.”
“Just a sleeping arrangement?”
“If clothes happen to get lost along the way, I wouldn’t complain,” she adds, and my chest grows a little warmer. It settles the question that has been hanging in the back of my mind, worried about what might change between us if I’m honest about the way she makes my heart race. There is no future without her in it. I want this. I want all the small things. I want all the big things. I want everything.
“I’ll be over in a few.”
I can hear the grin in her voice. “I’ll be waiting.”
“Don’t start without me, Sunny.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”
“I’ll see you in a few,” I tell her, standing up with my phone still pressed to my ear. She hums in agreement, and when the call ends, I slide my phone into my sweatpants pocket and head for Flynn’s bedroom. “Flynn?” I whisper, knocking my knuckles against the door.
“Yeah,” she calls out, and I take it as my cue to open the door. She’s sitting up in bed, Fish resting between her legs. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I just wanted to let you know I’m heading over to Sonya’s. I’m going to spend the night, but I’ll be back in the morning. Can you let my mom know if she’s up before I get back?”
She nods her head. “You’re doing it?”
I swallow the panic rising in my throat and nod my head. “Yeah, I’m going to try. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”
“You’re not going to need it, but good luck,” she says when I reach for the doorknob.
I give her a quick nod and pull the door shut, pressing my shoulders into the wood to take a deep breath. Panic should be rushing through me right now.
Any other time, I thought there was a chance I might lose Sonya. That is all I’ve felt. My worst fear is losing her in my life, but it never comes. A soft edge of confidence settles in my chest, an assurance that everything is going to be okay settling in my bones.