Chapter 9 #2
Maybe he didn’t mean it to sound so derogatory, but Adam’s derision echoed around the room loud and clear.
And it hurt. All Henry had ever done was provide for his son to the best of his ability, both physically and emotionally.
And all he was trying to do now was protect him.
Maybe he’d overdone it and sounded too preachy, but if Adam found it hard to stand up to his wife’s forceful personality then who could blame Henry for wanting to provide a little ballast?
The fact that Adam could reject his help, reject him, was hard to bear.
Henry had held his tongue ever since the divorce, but this was a conversation which was long overdue.
And Christmas or not, it was time to have it.
He was sick of being made to feel like a failure.
‘You might find this hard to believe, but your mother was not right about everything. And over the years she’s filled your head with a version of events, a version of me, which you’ve never thought to question, instead swallowing her opinions wholesale.
’ He held up his hand. ‘I had hoped you’d understand that there are two people in every marriage who share an equal responsibility for it.
I don’t know the ins and outs of yours and Sofia’s marriage, neither would I want to, but if it went pear-shaped I’d like to think I’d be supportive, not judgemental. ’
‘Of course you’d be judgemental,’ replied Adam. ‘Everyone is. There are always two sides, and inevitably you have to pick one.’
‘You can be led down that path, yes, or you can be encouraged to be accepting of a situation without apportioning blame. It’s very clear which side you’ve been encouraged to pick, and I find that odd given that your mother has moved to the other side of the world and you hardly see her.’
‘I hardly see you.’
It was on the tip of Henry’s tongue to say is it any wonder, but he held the words back.
‘But you do see me. And the point still stands – I have never discussed with you the part either of us had to play in the break-up of our marriage, even though your mother clearly hasn’t afforded me the same courtesy.
And the reason I know this is because I’ve seen your behaviour towards me change over the last few years.
To the point where you reject everything in your life which you believe me to be guilty of, everything she accused me of.
Nothing is ever good enough for you now.
Everything has to be striven for, in a relentless quest to move even higher and further.
She accused me of being complacent, Adam, but this is the part where you need to stop swallowing what you’ve been told and start thinking about whether you agree with it or not.
There are two sides to every story, and what your mother saw as complacency, I see as contentment and happiness.
‘I also understand the value of the word “enough”. And I had enough in my life – I still do. I have a house which is comfortable and keeps me safe and warm. I have enough money to live the way I want to, and I have a job which I love. And the reason why I love it is because I’m doing what I’m good at.
Your mother wanted me to try for promotion, to earn more money, take on more responsibility.
But you know why I didn’t? Because it would have taken me out of the classroom, away from everything I loved.
I’d be a rubbish manager, so why on earth would I want to swap what made me happy for something which didn’t? ’
‘Yeah, it made you happy, Dad, but it didn’t make Mum happy. Some might call what you did selfish.’
‘They might. But it’s also about being true to yourself. Knowing who you are, and what brings you alive and celebrates your strengths. It’s also about knowing what erodes your ability to accept your faults with good grace.
‘Your mother no longer liked what she saw when she looked at me, and I can’t help that.
And I certainly wasn’t about to jump through all the hoops she wanted me to in order for her to like me.
That isn’t what love is about. If the only way you can love someone is to change them, then something’s not right.
’ Henry glared at his son, but his expression was inscrutable and it annoyed him more than ever.
‘Your problem, Adam, is that you’ve never worked out what makes you happy.
Or rather, you’ve never given anything a chance to settle for long enough to see if it does.
You don’t go hunting for happiness, Adam – if you do it will always be out of reach.
Happiness comes to you. It comes when you are living in the present, when you are content, when you fully appreciate everything you have and know that it’s enough.
You’re a good teacher. I see a lot of me in you, and you might think that’s a bad thing, but I will never see it that way.
I learned early on what made me happy and, believe it or not, that’s all I ever wanted for you.
But you need to stop searching for it, Adam, or you’ll never find it. ’
Behind him came a furious wail. Sofia flung open the oven door so hard it bounced on its hinges. She dragged a tray from it and practically threw it on top of the hob, where the rows of croissants it contained slid onto its shiny surface leaving a greasy trail behind them.
‘For God’s sake, Henry, now look what you’ve made me do! Everything is burned to hell.’