Chapter 23
Carrying both mugs of tea in one hand, Peg pushed aside a pile of books and carefully lowered their drinks to the table. She placed one in front of Sofia who was now sitting, sniffing intermittently.
‘Here,’ said Peg gently. ‘I found a packet of brandy snaps no one has discovered yet.’ She took the packet out from where she’d tucked it under her arm. ‘One end is dipped in chocolate, too.’
‘The worst thing is that he never told me,’ said Sofia, staring at her mug. ‘He’s known since before Christmas. I can’t believe he kept it from me.’
‘Can’t you?’ said Peg, sitting down. ‘In my experience, that’s just the sort of thing men do.
Not all men,’ she added hastily. ‘But some certainly do. Julian would have, without a doubt. He didn’t like difficult subjects and usually went out of his way to avoid discussing them.
It used to drive me up the wall. And then if I got cross about it, he’d say he didn’t want to upset me and was only trying to protect me – which was even more irritating because I knew it was true.
But, eventually, I got to read the signs and was able to winkle things out of him. Perhaps Adam’s just the same.’
‘He said it was because of Christmas.’
Peg winced. ‘It doesn’t make it right,’ she replied.
‘But I can understand that. Christmas is such an emotive time of year, there couldn’t be a worse time to announce news like that.
And then… well, I guess events just snowballed, didn’t they?
I don’t imagine there was much of an opportunity to talk after Henry crashed his car.
Adam must be furious though. Especially after his school had offered him a promotion. That makes no sense at all.’
‘He didn’t tell me all that has gone on, just that the school is in financial trouble and they’re being taken over by another academy.’ Sofia’s eyes no longer shone with tears, but her head was bowed, her voice quiet.
Peg nodded, but she had no idea how education worked.
‘It’s scary, I know. It must feel like the rug has been pulled out from beneath you.
But try not to be too hard on Adam. Yes, he should have told you, but admitting what he probably sees as failure must have been hard.
Not to mention the fact that he must be feeling guilty, too. ’
‘I know, but that still doesn’t change the fact that we need his salary, we can’t possibly manage without it. And to think I was wondering about the possibility of extending our dining room…’
Peg let her comment pass. Sofia was angry and upset, and pointing out how extravagant it was to make an already big house even bigger wouldn’t help matters.
‘Right now, I’m sure it seems as if everything is about to come crashing down around you, but don’t forget that you and Adam both have really valuable skills.
I have it on good authority that he’s a fantastic teacher, and English as a subject is always going to be in demand.
Plus, you have your own successful business, and working for yourself gives you so much flexibility in terms of where you work from.
All those things will stand you in good stead, moving forward. ’
‘I suppose so,’ replied Sofia, but she didn’t sound at all convinced. Her hands were balled in her lap, her uppermost thumb rubbing across one knuckle, over and over again.
Sensing there was more to come, Peg let the silence stretch out. When it was clear she wasn’t going to say anything further, Peg opened the packet of biscuits and took one, pushing the rest towards Sofia in the hope she might do the same.
‘There are always solutions to a problem, and in many ways you’re lucky.
You own your home and yes, I know you have a huge mortgage, like a lot of people your age, but at least it gives you options.
Hopefully the bank will be understanding if you need to take a payment break or something, but I’m sure it won’t come to that.
I bet you Adam will get another job in no time at all.
You just might need to put your ideas for the house on hold for a little while. ’
Sofia ran a hand over the cover of one of the pattern books, pulling it towards her slightly, before lifting the pages and then letting them fall in a desultory manner.
‘I don’t even like our house,’ she said.
‘So I’m not sure why I want to extend it.
’ She looked up, her eyes focused over Peg’s shoulder.
‘Don’t ever change your cottage, will you?
It’s perfect just the way it is.’ She examined a fingernail.
‘And I don’t suppose you believe me – why would you?
But it’s true. I’d love a home like this.
With some character, and a kitchen garden… you’ve made it all so beautiful.’
Peg couldn’t be more surprised. ‘I’m not sure I ever really thought about how to decorate the cottage, it just kind of evolved over the years. I do love it though.’
‘It suits you,’ replied Sofia. ‘Or you suit it. I don’t think our house does that.’
‘It’s very different to mine, admittedly, but it’s still very nice.’ She bit her lip, hoping that Sofia wouldn’t notice her little white lie. ‘Why don’t you like it?’ Peg wasn’t sure why the conversation had changed direction, but at least Sofia was talking again.
‘Because I try to make it one thing, and then I change it and make it something else, but no matter what I do, it never looks right. Maybe because it’s a house and not a home…’
‘Perhaps you haven’t worked out yet who you want to be,’ replied Peg. ‘And that can take a long time – some people never manage it. You’re still young. You’re experimenting with life, trying on different hats, but eventually you’ll find one which not only looks good, but is comfortable too.’
Sofia sat silently, staring at the table, and Peg wondered whether she had gone too far. Perhaps she sounded critical; she hadn’t intended to be.
‘I think we all go through a stage like that,’ she added.
‘And it wasn’t something I realised about myself until the girls were at school.
Before that, life was so busy I never really thought about who I was, or what I wanted, I just went with the flow.
I wasn’t unhappy, but, looking back, I certainly wasn’t settled either.
I think half the battle is having the headspace to figure all that out.
’ She tipped her head to one side, studying Sofia’s expression.
‘So what is it about my cottage that appeals to you?’
‘All of it.’
‘What, the draughty windows and the dodgy plumbing? And the mud which tracks in endlessly no matter what I do to keep it out?’
Sofia smiled, but it was tinged with sadness. ‘Maybe it’s not the cottage itself, but the person I could be if I lived here.’
‘And who would that be?’
‘Someone who doesn’t care if the walls are plastered in children’s drawings, or the kitchen table has crayon on it.
Someone who walks around barefoot, wearing jeans and a tee shirt.
Someone who hangs washing on the line every day just to hear it flapping in the wind, or who brings in flowers from the garden to stick in a jam jar.
Someone who bakes wonky cakes and doesn’t care that she fishes honey out of the pot with a knife and not a spoon… ’
Peg swallowed, alarmed to see tears welling again in Sofia’s eyes.
The person Sofia described couldn’t be more different from the one sitting opposite her, and Peg’s heart ached at the young woman’s sadness.
Did Adam know that she felt this way? Did Blanche?
Did anyone? Surely Sofia must have friends to talk to.
And as Peg sat there wondering how on earth she could respond, what on earth she could say to make Sofia feel better, she also thought about the words she’d actually used.
Sofia wasn’t just unhappy with who she was, she knew exactly who she wanted to be.
And top of the list was someone whose walls were plastered in children’s drawings.
Suddenly, a lot of things began to make sense.
‘How long have you been trying?’ she asked quietly.
‘Three years…’ The first tear tipped from the corner of Sofia’s eye and made its way down her cheek.
‘And when it didn’t happen, you threw yourself into making your home bigger and better than it needed to be.
You threw yourself into making your business such a success that you’d never be able to take a break from it, even if you wanted to.
You threw yourself into finding anything and everything which might make you happy.
And Adam… threw himself into his career, chasing management roles which would take him away from the children he had gone into teaching for in the first place.
Oh Sofia…’ Peg placed her hand over Sofia’s, feeling the tremble in her thin arm.
‘There’s nothing I can say to make any of it better.
Nothing I can do either, except give you a hug, if you think one might help? ’
Wordlessly, but with a minute nod, Sofia rose and allowed Peg to come around the table to comfort her, and as she did so, her arms around Sofia’s shaking shoulders, Peg could suddenly see a tiny glimmer of hope.
If life had taught her anything it was that there was always one to be found, and that they often appeared right when you least expected them.
Gently, she drew away and let Sofia sink back into her chair.
‘You know, if you’re worried that Adam’s redundancy might mean things will have to change, maybe that’s not such a bad thing.
Sometimes, all we feel is the loss when something is taken away from us, when really it’s an opportunity for something else to arrive.
’ And the thought which filled Peg’s head was that she couldn’t be sure she was still talking about Sofia.
‘Does Henry know about any of this? Or Blanche?’