Chapter 25
Peg brightened her smile. ‘Let me just get rid of this lot and I’ll make us a drink.’ She turned to rinse her gloves under the tap and stack the shelves on the draining board ready to go back in the oven.
She bustled about for a moment, fetching mugs, filling the kettle and taking milk from the fridge.
She even fetched some biscuits from the pantry which she knew Izzy would never be able to refuse.
And all of it giving her a little more time to get her face straight and her head back where it needed to be.
‘I know you’ve told me what time the wedding is, but remind me,’ she said, turning back around and holding out the cookies.
‘Two o’clock,’ said Izzy. ‘But I said I’d get there mid-morning to help her get ready. I can’t wait to see what she looks like – her dress is insane…’
‘In a good way? Or a bad way?’
Izzy grimaced. ‘Depends on your point of view. It’s insanely beautiful – covered in tiny seed pearls, all hand-sewn by virgins who live in a remote village in Tibet – it’s not, obviously, but you get my drift – and is therefore insanely expensive.
If I ever get married, don’t let me go mad like that, will you?
I think I’d rather keep the thirty grand and do something slightly more lasting with it.
I don’t mean the marriage,’ she added hastily.
‘I hope that lasts and lasts, but all that money… just for one day.’
‘Thirty grand?’ asked Peg, horrified. ‘Is that how much it costs these days?’
‘Yep… although that includes the engagement ring and the honeymoon. The wedding itself is only twenty grand.’
Peg laughed. ‘Oh well, that’s all right then. Although, if I’m going to need that kind of money to pay for you and Phoebe to get married, perhaps moving will be a good thing. I was thinking it might be an ideal time to downsize.’
‘Mum!’ exclaimed Izzy, her forehead furrowed with concern.
‘There’s no way you’re going to be paying for us; Phoebe and I have agreed.
Besides, that’s not how it’s done nowadays.
Couples pay for themselves. The whole father of the bride thing – or even mother of the bride thing – it’s kind of considered old-fashioned now. ’
‘Thank heavens for that.’ Peg wafted a hand at her face as if she were having an attack of the vapours.
Izzy frowned. ‘You’re not still thinking of moving though, are you, Mum?’ she asked quietly. ‘I hoped once Mim was feeling better that would all fizzle out.’
Peg drew in a breath. ‘Well… she is feeling better, but longer-term, the situation isn’t going to change, Iz. I’m not sure what else I can do.’
‘But you can’t move from here, Mum, it—’ She broke off, looking rattled. ‘I just can’t imagine you being anywhere else.’
‘I’m having a hard time with that myself, but irrespective…
I made a promise to Mim, and I’m not going back on it.
I couldn’t live with myself if I did. I’m not going to make any rash decisions, though.
I want to take my time and make sure I find somewhere equally as nice as this place.
’ She directed a look through the kitchen door and lowered her voice.
‘I’ve no idea how long that might take, so I’ve come up with a way which would allow me to be close to Mim at the same time as having a look around. ’
Izzy followed the direction of her eyes. ‘Go on…’
‘Henry is thinking he might move down this way. He wants to be closer to his son and daughter-in-law, which, given what’s just happened to him, I can understand.
’ She cleared her throat; his name seemed to get stuck in it.
‘So I’ve suggested we swap houses for a bit.
We haven’t properly discussed it yet, but it would buy us both some time before we commit to anything. ’
Izzy was studying her face. ‘I thought something was up,’ she whispered. ‘Not being funny, but you could cut the atmosphere in here with a knife when I walked in. Is it not working out with Henry staying here?’
‘No, it’s not that, just…’ Peg tilted her head in the direction of the living room.
Iz nodded in understanding. ‘Garden?’ she said.
Peg nodded. It had always been their go-to place whenever they needed a private chat.
Wordlessly, they donned boots and a coat each from the stash which Peg kept by the door and headed outside.
The times she and Izzy had retreated into the garden over the years…
during Julian’s last few months, it had seemed almost a daily occurrence, and the memory of the reasons why was stark in her mind.
‘So what’s up?’ asked Izzy, hands thrust in her pockets. ‘I thought you were enjoying having Henry here?’
Peg looked helplessly at her daughter, wondering how on earth to begin.
‘I am, Izzy, I… It’s just that I think Henry’s impression of our relationship is somewhat different from mine.
I know I told you that on the day of his accident he’d been on his way to see me, but what I haven’t said is that Henry doesn’t remember a thing about the crash.
He thinks he drove over here and spent the rest of the day with me – a day he can “remember” down to the last tiny details.
Needless to say, it was perfect in every regard. ’
Izzy frowned. ‘So, what… he was dreaming then?’
‘He must have been. He described falling asleep after we’d eaten dinner, and I think his brain was trying to protect him from the trauma of the crash by manufacturing something pleasant.
Except that he seems to have it in his head that this is a sign – of something between us.
’ She sighed. ‘It’s hard to know what to say to him, particularly given what he’s been through, but I don’t want to encourage him.
I’ve tried to let him down gently but I think I might have sounded a bit rude…
not rude, exactly, but dismissive certainly. ’
Izzy was staring at her wellies, wriggling her toes inside them. ‘So you don’t want there to be anything between you then?’ She peered up through her lashes, something she always did as a child when she was trying to get away with being cheeky.
Peg stared at her, lips pursed. ‘No, Izzy, I don’t.
We met by chance. And yes, when I saw his car ahead of me in the traffic jam I did feel compelled to talk to him, even though I knew it was an odd thing to do.
I can’t explain it, and I’m having trouble rationalising this myself, but that’s all it was, a chance meeting.
I like him. I’d even go so far as to say it’s been nice having him here, but… anything else is just ridiculous.’
‘Not that ridiculous,’ replied Izzy. ‘I mean, he’s gorgeous. All studious and bookish.’
‘Is he?’
‘Yes. Haven’t you noticed the way his hair falls over his forehead when he talks? He reminds me of a young Hugh Grant.’
Peg, who had, said nothing.
‘Have you even looked at him properly?’ asked Izzy, becoming exasperated. ‘And I don’t mean compared him to Dad.’
‘Izzy, I don’t have anyone else to compare him with. I was with your father a very long time.’
‘Yes, you were. But there are more men in the world than just him. All I’m suggesting is that something a little more than just friendship wouldn’t be a completely dreadful thing, would it?’
‘Oh, Izzy, it’s not that simple.’
‘Why? Why is it not as simple as two people falling in love?’
‘Love…? Peg frowned. ‘We’re a long way from that, Izzy. I’m not a teenager any more, hankering after some romantic dream. Trust me, it’s different when you’re older.’
Izzy shook her head. ‘No, I don’t believe that. You always told us that love was love. Why does your age change the situation?’
‘Because there are more things to consider. You, for example. And Phoebe. I have a house, a life. I’ve had a life, with someone else.
When you’re young, it’s an adventure, it’s exciting thinking about your future and all the things it might hold, a future you might create with someone.
When you’re older, you’ve done all that.
Things are more settled… You know your own mind, for one, and yes, hard though it’s been without your father, I’ve got used to being on my own.
Used to doing things how I want them, and when I want to.
I’m not sure I want any of that to change. ’
‘So you’re going to throw away a chance of happiness because Henry might not like curry? Or watches ITV instead of BBC?’
‘That isn’t what I said.’
‘But it’s what you meant. You’re so determined not to fall in love, you won’t ever give yourself a chance.
And I get it, Mum, we all get it. It’s scary.
You didn’t think you’d ever have to think about this again.
But you’ve faced fears many people haven’t and you’ve got through them.
You’re tough, and brave, and well, just lovely, Mum.
You deserve to be happy. I mean really happy.
And Henry isn’t scary at all. At least give him a chance. ’
Peg tutted, although she smiled too. ‘Okay, okay, you’ve made your point.’
‘But you’re still not going to listen, are you? You’ve already made up your mind how your future is going to look. But it was Dad who died, Mum, not you.’
‘Izzy!’
‘Well, it’s true. You’ve holed yourself up here, with your garden and your drawing and never given yourself any reason to go out again.’
‘Maybe because I don’t need to. I like my life.’
‘Do you, though? Or do you just pretend to? We all saw you at Christmas – how much you enjoyed having us all here.’
‘Yes, I did, but that doesn’t mean—’
‘It was the worst circumstances imaginable and yet you welcomed Henry’s family in like they were our own.’
‘Well, of course I did, what else could I do? It was Christmas and, for a time, we were all convinced Henry was going to die. I couldn’t just leave his family in the hospital and ignore them. Don’t forget I know exactly how it feels to lose someone at this time of year.’
Izzy dropped her head. ‘I know, Mum, but loving Dad doesn’t mean that you can’t ever love anyone else.
Dad was no angel, but the more the years go by, the more he’s become one.
Don’t confuse your grief with the truth.
You told us never to think how we ought to feel, but to be gentle with ourselves because whatever we were feeling was okay.
You don’t need to feel guilty about anything, Mum. ’
Peg looked away, staring down the garden path at the woodland beyond.
She could remember so clearly when her girls were little, and on the bad days when life was fraught, with too many demands, how she would remind herself that whatever her children got up to, whatever anguish they caused her, that it would get easier.
And it did, except that now they were adults themselves, they no longer simply did as they were told.
She was no longer just a mother to them, she was a thinking, feeling equal, who they could figure out in a heartbeat.
And how many times had she stood in this garden, grateful that this was the case because she so desperately needed them to understand what she was going through?
Too many times to count. And they had, just as Izzy did now.
She gave a rueful smile. ‘You’re too clever for your own good, did you know that?’
‘And I wonder who I get that from?’ Izzy smiled and held out her arms. ‘I just want you to be happy, Mum,’ she said, pulling Peg into a hug.
‘And I’m not saying it has to be with Henry, not at all, but don’t you remember how you always told us that you knew you were going to marry Dad the minute you met him? ’
‘Did I?’ said Peg, pretending not to remember. ‘Well, that’s rubbish. It doesn’t happen like that.’
‘And yet… you meet a guy in a petrol station and then bump into him again seventy miles down the road. I mean, what are the chances of that? I don’t know, maybe it’s like fate or something.
’ Izzy rolled her eyes in dramatic fashion and then grinned.
‘Love you, Mum. But can we please go in now, it’s freezing. And I’m starving…’