Chapter 33
Fuck.
Oh fuck.
Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.
I scramble off of Matteo, my chest heaving with desperate breaths as I try to turn back time by sheer force of will.
That didn’t happen. It couldn’t have happened.
Because if that happened, if I lost control of myself and claimed Matteo, then I am stuck here and he is stuck with me, and I tethered him to me without his consent, and I am officially worse than Rich because not even Rich could do that.
Of course, an Alpha’s bite means nothing since only Omegas can initiate a bond, but I’m sure Rich was trying to find a way to trick me into biting him. My Omega never pushed me into it, and I got out before he could manage to figure out how to force the issue.
And now I’ve done that. I’ve trapped Matteo.
I’ve become the thing I hate .
“Alex!” My Beta’s voice breaks through my panic. He grabs my face, wiping tears I didn’t realize were falling from my eyes off of my cheeks. “You have to breathe.”
I shake my head, scrambling out of his touch. “I…” Gasping breaths rattle my chest, and I clutch at it, the pain and devastation I’m feeling not my own.
Matteo is hurting. He’s upset that I did this.
I stole something from him, and I can never give it back. He is stuck with me, someone who violated him, forever.
Scrambling to find a shirt and pants, I dive out of the nest, away from the man whose life I just ruined. I stumble out of the bedroom, pulling the errant clothing on. I can feel his confusion in the fledgling bond, but I can’t look at him.
If I look at him, I have to acknowledge what I’ve done, and I can’t do that yet because I don’t know why I did it.
Why my Omega betrayed me like this. And how can I speak to him, explaining what happened and trying to beg for forgiveness, if I don’t know why I just bit into him like he was the answer to all of my problems?
I have to get some air. I need to get my head on straight so I can figure out a way to release him from this unwanted bond.
Before I realize it, I’m on my knees in the damp grass, retching up the meager dinner I ate.
He doesn’t want this.
I claimed a man who doesn’t want me.
It’s dark, but probably only close to nine at night, which means the crew is still out and about. One of the motorcycle guys, I have no idea what they’re actually called, Trevor, sees me, and squats down beside me.
“Ya alright, Doc?” he asks in a light Boston accent. “You drink a little too much? ”
“I’m fine,” I mutter, sitting back on my heels and wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. I squeeze my eyes shut, tipping my head back toward the stars. “Just been a little sick. Thought I was over it, apparently I am not.”
The Alpha, a handsome man in his late twenties with dark, slicked-back hair and green eyes, smiles gently. “Is that all, though? Not trying to be a dick or nothing, but you smell like when my ma tries to bake while drunk. All burnt and shit.”
Wincing, I bury my face in my hands, wishing I had a shot of suppressants to disguise the distress in my pheromones. “I think it’s impolite to call out someone’s scent like that, Trevor.”
He makes a dismissive noise. “Fuck politeness. Something is wrong with you, and it ain’t the stomach flu. Now, are you going to tell me what happened? I’m not a strongman, but I think I could strong-arm an answer out of ya.”
Circus jokes. Always with the fucking circus jokes.
“Don’t worry about me, it’s fine.”
“We’re family here, Doc. Why are you lying to me?” He reaches out to place a hand on me, and I reflexively shrink back.
Before he has a chance to register my reaction, he’s sprawled out on the ground, clutching his stomach. Matteo stands over him, fists clenched at his side, breathing heavily.
“Do not touch her,” he seethes. “Never touch her.”
Trevor groans, slowly climbing to his feet. “Why the fuck did you kick me, Matteo?” he shouts, lifting his shirt to examine the damage. “That was fucking low, bro!”
“You tried to touch my Omega,” Matteo says through gritted teeth. “You don’t touch her. Never touch her. She’s not yours.” His voice is several octaves deeper than usual, and he looks furious.
Trevor’s eyes bounce between the two of us, and he takes several steps back. “Well, this is quite the development indeed. I suppose I must take my leave. If you need me, Doc, you have my number.”
I nod tightly as Trevor saunters off. Matteo stalks closer to me, crowding my space.
“I tried to give you a moment alone,” he says through labored breaths. “I wanted you to have a moment to catch your breath. But he was so close to you. He touched you.”
The new bond is riding him hard, and now that I’m no longer focusing on blocking him out, I can feel a myriad of emotions flowing from him to me: fear, heartache, confusion.
I messed everything up.
Since the moment I got here, I’ve done everything wrong.
This was a horrible idea.
I never should’ve joined the circus.
At the thought, my gut twists with guilt. He can feel my emotions now, and I have no doubt he realizes exactly where my head is at.
I keep fucking things up. I always fuck everything up.
I’m stupid. A stupid fucking Omega that let her instincts get the better of her.
I have to apologize. Apologize to him, beg his forgiveness, and figure out a way out of this mess for him.
“Matteo, I…” I can’t get the words out. Eventually, after clearing my throat several times, I manage a strangled, “I’m sorry.”
Emotion flickers across his face, and he reaches for me, slowly, giving me enough time to step away. He grabs my upper arm gently. “We need to talk, and the guys just got back.”
I shake my head so fast it makes me a little motion sick. “I can’t. I can’t talk to them. Not until we figure out how I can fix this.”
My Beta groans and takes a step closer to me, holding both of my shoulders. His hands are shaking. “Alex. Please. Come with me.” The strain in his voice makes my knees work, brings my body back online.
I upset him. My poor Beta.
He doesn’t give me another opportunity to deny him, instead spinning me around and directing me back to my trailer. The lights are on, and I can see shadows flitting in front of the windows.
When we enter the sitting area, Quinton pops his head out. “Well, there you two are. Come up for air? I went to get you two from Jude’s trailer, but could smell the slick, so I figured I’d give you two dirty birds some time to-”
Quinton chokes midsentence and runs across the room. He ducks his head and rubs his cheek across Matteo’s neck, scent marking him and inhaling his pheromones.
I count backward in my head for the explosion that I know is coming.
I bonded his Beta without talking to him, without either of their consent.
I’m a monster.
“You’re fucking joking,” he says breathlessly. “Are you fucking with me? Is this for real?”
Matteo shakes his head, wrapping his arms around Quinton and kissing the top of his head, which is only possible since Quinton is still hunched, face buried in Matteo’s neck as he inhales deeply. “Not fucking with you, Alpha. ”
Quinton releases Matteo and turns to me, tears in his eyes.
I brace myself for the tongue-lashing he’s about to give me.
I deserve it.
I deserve whatever ire he throws my way, because I’ve fucked everything up.
“Thank you,” he chokes out, tears brimming in his eyes. “Thank you for choosing us.”
It takes my brain several minutes to catch up to his words, and when it does, I take a big step back. “It’s not like that,” I choke out. “It was an accident.”
“What was an accident?” Dario slips out of my bedroom, an impish grin on his face. “Did you get into trouble while we were gone?”
“Come closer,” Quinton beckons him toward us. “Come smell.”
Dario moves to Quinton’s side and takes a big inhale, nostrils flaring. His pupils dilate, and he looks between me and Matteo. “He smells like her. Not just being near her. His scent is changing.” A massive grin cracks his boyish face wide. “You bonded Matteo? You’re staying?”
“She. What?” The words are tight, furious. Dexter and Jude have joined us in the main living area. The former is glaring at me with flames in his eyes. “You bonded Matteo?”
“It was an accident!” I shout, taking several steps backward until my calves hit my couch and I sink to its threadbare surface. “I didn’t mean to.”
“What do you mean, you didn’t mean to?” Jude asks, taking a slow step toward me. “You didn’t ask him?”
“No,” I sob, burying my face in my hands. “I’m so, so sorry, Matteo. I’m going to figure this out. There are currently drug trials underway to dissolve bonds. I’ll get you a spot in one.”
A growl fills the air. “You’d dissolve the bond?” Quinton stalks forward, all coiled fury. “Is my Beta not good enough for you?”
Matteo approaches Quinton’s other side, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You know that’s not what she’s saying, Alpha,” he says placatingly. “Her Omega nature took over. This wasn’t intentional, and if I’ve got the hang of reading this bond, she’s beating herself up about it pretty badly.”
“But you’re ours,” Quinton says plainly. “We all know that. Why would you be upset?”
“I took away his choice,” I say softly. “He’s trapped, stuck with me. And I didn’t even give him a chance to turn me down. I just took what I wanted. I’m just as bad…”
“Is that what you think?” Matteo asks softly, interrupting my spiral. “That I didn’t have a choice in this?”
Scoffing, I finally look up at the Beta. His head is tilted to the side, and while I expect to see disappointment and upset, instead, his expression is open and curious. “Of course, that’s what I think. I didn’t ask. I just… bit.”
He drops to his knees in front of me, clasping my hands in his.
“I still had to accept the bond. If anyone could bond another with just a single bite, everyone would cover every inch of their skin at all times. It would have hurt us both, but I could have rejected the bond. You know that, don’t you? ”
Logically, I do know that. Everyone learns that at school. You can only do it within seventy-two hours of the bite, but it’s possible. I’ve treated the effects of a rejected bond before.
And yet, in the moment, it didn’t cross my mind .
The moment I felt the bond flaring to life in my chest, I should’ve known.
Locking eyes with the Beta, my Beta, my mouth drops open at the warmth and joy on his face.
He wanted this.
He chose this.
He chose… me.