Chapter 26
Bee let the ring on her wedding finger glint and glitter in the muted light. She smiled. It was very traditional, classic, not what she’d have chosen, but still stunningly beautiful. And at least it was platinum, not gold. She hated gold.
‘Hi.’ Ed came back from the toilet and slid into his seat.
Bee smiled at him. It was incredible, she thought to herself, how when she’d first gone out with Ed – to this exact same restaurant, actually – she’d thought he was vile, a puny little coke-sniffing media-weasel.
The idea of having sex with him had made her feel quite queasy, in fact.
Having dinner with him was just something that had to be done to ensure that he never spilled the beans to anyone about Zander.
But he’d grown on her imperceptibly during the course of that first evening.
She’d gone from finding him smug, arrogant and bland to seeing him as a sweet, confused, kind-hearted man who wasn’t really very happy.
Someone who just wanted to be loved. Unconditionally.
Someone who didn’t know how to show his vulnerability. Someone just like her, in fact.
By the time they’d checked into a hotel, drunk another bottle of champagne and fallen noisily and clumsily into bed with each other, she’d been more than happy with the situation.
And when, after their next meeting, he’d told her he loved her and wanted to leave his wife for her, rather than running a mile in the other direction like she usually did when men told her they loved her, she’d actually found it quite sweet.
As the months went by she’d found herself anticipating his phonecalls and his visits with more and more enthusiasm. And then, at some vague point, she’d fallen in love with him. She’d fallen in love with a short, bald, married man. Funny old world.
And now, here they were, nearly three years later, engaged and about to go public.
They’d just had their first proper holiday together.
To Goa. It had been the most amazing two weeks of her life, two weeks of normality, of feeling like a real person, and two weeks in which it became obvious to Bee that she needed this man in her life. Properly. Not part-time.
So when Ed handed her the ring, nervously and uncertainly, at the airport on their way out, she’d grabbed it with both hands and grinned from ear to ear.
Marrying Ed had suddenly gone from being an utterly ludicrous concept to seeming like the best idea in the world.
He was going to leave his wife, the moment they got home, leave her.
He’d had enough. Tina was a wonderful person, as he kept telling Bee, but her desire for a baby had destroyed their relationship.
She’d had three courses of fertility treatment in the last year, despite the fact that the gynaecologist had told her she only had a one-in-a-thousand chance of ever conceiving and carrying a child.
Now she was talking about finding a surrogate mother.
Ed couldn’t stomach the thought – his baby, in another woman’s womb.
Not to mention all the potential emotional anguish and pain.
And what if the mother changed her mind, kept the baby – it would destroy Tina completely.
And without the incessant obsession with reproduction, the doctor’s appointments, the thermometers, the test-tubes, the tears and the never-ending waiting as Tina’s periods became the focus of their lives, there was nothing left … absolutely nothing.
Ed had convinced himself – and Bee, who’d never been happy with the idea of Ed leaving Tina – that it was in Tina’s best interests for him to leave.
She’d be happier without him. She was only thirty, she had plenty of time to meet someone who might be prepared to do the surrogate thing or go through the treatments all over again.
So he was going to leave her. The minute he got back from Goa.
And tonight was going to be their first meeting as legitimate lovers, a celebration of their freedom.
The champagne that Bee had ordered while Ed was in the toilet arrived. He looked at it strangely. ‘Did you order that?’ he said.
Bee beamed at him and nodded.
He sighed and rubbed his face into his hands. ‘I wish you hadn’t, Bee,’ he said.
Bee felt her stomach clench itself up into a knot.
‘There’s something I need to tell you.’ Ed crossed his arms in front of him and stared at Bee. ‘Everything’s changed,’ he said, simply.
Bee stopped breathing momentarily, felt herself begin to panic. She forced a tight smile. ‘And what exactly does that mean, Mr Tewkesbury?’
‘Tina’s pregnant.’
Bee smirked. ‘Oh,’ she said, ‘don’t be daft.’
‘I’m not being daft, Bee. It’s true. She’s pregnant.’
‘But – how? It’s been months since your last treatment.’
‘I know.’
‘So – how?’
Ed dropped his eyes to the tablecloth.
Bee raised hers to the ceiling.
Stupid question.
‘She’s having triplets.’
‘But, that’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard.’
‘Yes. It is, isn’t it? It’s mad. But it’s true.
It’s … it’s a miracle, Bee. That’s what the doctor said.
Somehow all the treatment she’d been having – well, she got sort of super-fertile, I suppose.
And now she’s pregnant. And we’re having triplets.
’ His voice was going up an octave with every sentence.
His hands were flittering around. His face was animated.
He was excited. He was trying his hardest to hide it, but he was absolutely overjoyed.
‘But I thought, you know, you and Tina …?’ She was about to say, But I thought you and Tina didn’t have spontaneous sex any more, I thought you only had sex with test-tubes and speculums, but she knew the moment she opened her mouth how that would make her sound.
Stupid. Stupid with a big fat capital S.
Stupid like all of those thousands of other stupid, stupid women who believed their married lovers when they said they didn’t have sex with their wives.
She felt sick. Violently sick. She could feel the tomato and basil soup she’d had for lunch lurching around in her stomach, creeping bile-like up the back of her throat. She took a large sip of champagne.
‘So – what … what are you going to do? I mean – are you going to stay?’
‘With Tina?’
‘Yes, with Tina,’ she snapped.
Ed sighed and slid his hands across the tablecloth towards hers. She snatched hers back into her lap.
‘Well?’
‘Shit, Bee, I don’t know. I mean – I’ve wanted to be with you from the first moment I saw you.
I’ve been ready to walk away from Tina and be with you and you’ve kept me at arm’s length.
And now – it’s like – I mean – three babies, Bee – three babies.
I made three babies. We made three babies.
Me and Tina. I can’t … it’s … it’s just so incredible. It’s a miracle.’
‘But you don’t love Tina.’
‘I don’t. No. Well, I didn’t. I didn’t love the Tina who put her desire to have a baby ahead of everything.
The Tina who only remembered I existed when it was time for me to wank into a jar.
But this Tina – this Tina with three babies inside of her.
You should see her, Bee – she’s happy – she’s glowing – it’s like she’s been reborn and … ’
‘Oh God, stop it, Ed – please, just stop …’ Bee put her head into her hands.
They were both silent. A waiter poured some more champagne into their glasses. ‘Are you ready to …?’ he began.
‘No,’ snapped Ed, ‘no. Sorry. Not just yet. Thanks.’
‘Certainly, sir.’
Ed sighed and held Bee’s gaze for a while. He was quite obviously about to say something horrible.
‘I want a clean break, Bee.’ Yup, thought Bee, there it is. ‘I want to start again, with Tina. And that means … you know?’
‘Yes, Ed. I know what that means.’
‘And the flat. I don’t want to pay for the flat any more. It’s not that I resent paying for it. It’s just that I don’t want to have to hide anything any more. D’you see? From Tina? I want …’
You want to erase me from your life entirely.’
Ed stopped for a second and stared at Bee. ‘Yup,’ he said eventually, letting his head fall on to his chest.
These moments, thought Bee, these moments in life, soap-opera moments – they look so exciting when you see them on the television, at the cinema. But when you’re actually living them, they’re just so horribly hollow and bleak. And kind of, well … bland.
‘I never wanted this to happen, Bee. I never wanted to abandon you. I wanted to look after you for ever. I wanted to be with you for ever. I love you so much, Bee …’
Bee looked up into Ed’s eyes, his funny little mouse-eyes.
And he did. He did love her. He was telling the truth.
And she wanted to be angry with him, for loving her but still leaving her, but she couldn’t.
Because, she suddenly realized, like she was awaking from a dream, that this was never going to have worked out.
Of course it wasn’t. She’d been fooling herself.
And in a way, the only reason she’d allowed herself to fall in love with Ed in the first place was precisely because he was married, precisely because she’d never be able to have him, properly.
If only they’d met under different circumstances, if only what happened in 1986 hadn’t happened, and Zander hadn’t existed, and her whole life hadn’t turned into one great conglomeration of lies and deceit, one dizzying maze of separate compartments, she could have married Ed.
She could have had a normal life where she spent weekends at home with her friends, a life where she knew her family, a life where everyone she knew knew everyone else.
But 1986 had happened and Zander did exist and she was never going to have a normal life.
And she had no one to blame but herself.
Tears started plopping down her cheeks and she tried desperately to stop them. She hated people to see her cry. And she’d never cried in front of Ed before.
He looked at her with alarm. ‘Shit, Bee, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.’
‘Don’t be, please,’ she sniffed, dabbing at her eyes with her napkin. ‘It’s not your fault. It’s my fault. And I understand. I wouldn’t want you to leave Tina now, abandon your chances of having a family and a life. Really. I would hate that.’
‘Oh, Bee.’ He stretched out a hand again and this time Bee let him hold hers.
‘I’ve made such a mess of everything, Ed. I had it all. And I’ve messed everything up. In the space of thirty seconds I messed up my entire life …’
‘What do you mean, in the space of thirty seconds?’
‘Oh nothing. Nothing. Just. God. Shit. This is horrible, isn’t it?
I mean isn’t this – just horrible?’ She sniffed again and laughed, and Ed gave her hand a squeeze.
‘Look,’ she said, regaining her composure, ‘it’s better this way, you know.
I think I’d fooled myself into believing that things would work out for you and I, but they wouldn’t have.
Not really. It would never have been right.
It would always have been a bit of a … you know, a mess. It’s better this way. It’s better.’
‘I’m going to miss you so much, Bee Bearhorn. So much you wouldn’t believe it.’
‘Yeah right,’ she said, picking up her champagne glass, ‘you wait till you’ve got three little buggers running around the place morning, noon and night – you won’t have a chance to miss me.’
‘Bee,’ he said, squeezing her hand even harder, ‘I am going to miss you until the day I die. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever known.’
Bee shook her head and smiled. ‘No,’ she said, ‘I’m not. And if you really knew me, if you really knew what sort of person I’ve been, you’d walk out of here now and breathe a great big sigh of relief. Because I’m bad, Ed. I’m B.A.D.’
‘No you’re not,’ he said, ‘you’re more than the sum of your life history, Bee.
Somewhere underneath all that armour, you’re still the same person you were when you were a child, before you’d had a chance to make any mistakes.
And you should remember that. Stop letting yourself be weighed down by the things you think you did wrong.
Stop being a victim of your own fallibilities.
You should. Your whole life will just … just …
you know – stagnate if you don’t move on.
If you don’t start again. Bee. Please. Please try to make yourself happy. For me.’
Bee looked at Ed and forced a smile. ‘Don’t you worry about me, my lovely Teddy Tewkesbury. I’m going to be just fine. Honestly. Just fine.’
They squeezed each other’s hands and smiled grimly, each one of them wholly aware that she was lying through her teeth.