Chapter 37
A chill ran down Ana’s spine and she let the newspaper cutting fall on to the bed.
‘Oh my God,’ she murmured.
‘Fuck,’ said Flint, sitting heavily on Zander’s bed. He ran his finger through his hair and exhaled loudly. Outside a child screamed with laughter.
Zander looked from Ana to Flint and to Ana again, his face alert with anticipation. But they remained silent, absorbing the full horror of what they’d just read.
‘I kept expecting her to call,’ said Zander, ‘I had it all planned, what I was going to say to her. How I was going to make her feel. I was going to destroy her. Because I knew exactly how to get to her, you know? We had this … connection – and I knew just how to hurt her. I was going to take what little hope she had left and annihilate it. I was going to tell her I hated her. That she was ugly. And old. That I wanted her to be dead …’ He petered out pensively.
‘But she didn’t phone. And after a while I just …
It doesn’t read like a suicide note, does it?
’ he said urgently. ‘I mean – there was no way of knowing from that that she was about to do something so terrible? And even if it had been more explicit, it would have been too late because it didn’t get here until the following Monday, so she must have posted it that day, you know, that exact day, so … ’
It fell silent again and Zander looked desperately from one to the other, waiting for some kind of response. But Flint and Ana were still too shocked to speak.
‘I was going to forgive her, you know?’ Zander said, quietly.
‘Really?’ said Ana, finally lifting her gaze from the floor.
‘Yes.’
‘But how? I don’t understand how anyone could …’ She indicated his wheelchair with her eyes.
He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. ‘Obviously I’ve given this one hell of a lot of thought and as time’s gone by my view of the situation has become – characteristically, I suppose – rational.’
‘But how can you rationalize something so appalling?’
‘Look at it like this, Ana. Supposing what happened on that road in France hadn’t happened, supposing I’d been able-bodied and brought up amongst a loving family, who’s to say that it wouldn’t have been me driving a car recklessly somewhere?
Who’s to say that I wouldn’t have turned out to be some wild child rebel, stealing cars, speeding around, killing people?
There’s no way of knowing, and that’s what makes it impossible for me to judge Bee.
And, to use a cliché, you don’t miss what you haven’t had.
Ironically enough, Bee gave me the only experiences of my life to date that I will ever miss.
I had nothing to feel nostalgic about before I met Bee, nothing to look back on, no real history.
D’you see? Bee took everything away from me, but because I had no experience of the things that she took, I can only judge her on what she gave. And she gave me a lot.’
‘Like what?’
‘Well – she inspired me, I suppose. She challenged me. And she brought out the best in me. I don’t generally make it my business to make people happy, but there was something about Bee that just made me want to please her.
I liked to see her smile. I liked to see her relax.
I liked to make her laugh. I loved being with her.
I loved her …’ He cleared his throat and Ana watched a blush spread over his face.
‘If it wasn’t for Bee – well … I’m leaving here in a couple of weeks, did you know? ’
‘What do you mean, leaving here?’
‘I’ve got a place at St Andrews. To study mathematical science. She insisted that I go.’
‘Congratulations!’
He blushed again. ‘Yes. Thanks. I just got my A-level results – I got four ‘A’s, top of my school.’ He beamed at them proudly. ‘I’ll be the youngest student there, which is something of an achievement.’
‘Who’s going to, you know, look after you?’
‘Well – there are three other disabled students at St Andrew’s – we’ll all be sharing a specially adapted house.
There’ll be a live-in nurse, but generally I’ll be very independent.
Oh – and I’ve got a new wheelchair on order.
Seven grands’ worth. It should be here next week.
It’s going to be wicked!’ He grinned at them and suddenly looked like a sixteen-year-old kid instead of an old man.
And then his face fell. He paused and fiddled with the hem of his T-shirt.
A tear slipped down the side of his nose.
He sniffed and used the bottom of his T-shirt to wipe his cheeks.
‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I’m sorry. God – how embarrassing.
’ Ana put a hand on his pale forearm. ‘I can’t believe she doesn’t exist any more.
How can Bee not exist? It doesn’t seem possible. Do you believe in heaven, Ana?’
Ana shrugged. ‘I’m not sure about heaven as such, but I do sometimes get this strange feeling that people are watching me.
You know. Dead people. Not in a spooky, ghostly sort of way, just in a sort of calm way, like I’m in a play and they’re in the audience.
It’s a feeling of not being alone, rather than a belief that we’ll all meet up again, one day. If that makes any sense?’
Zander nodded.
‘What about you – do you believe in heaven?’
Zander laughed. ‘’Course not,’ he said, ‘I’m a scientist. How can I believe in heaven?
But I like your “play” analogy. I feel like, if I allow myself to believe that Bee is watching me, then she’ll continue to exert her positive influence on me.
And my family. I can make them proud of me, make something of myself – for them.
Yes,’ he said, his face brightening slightly, ‘Bee could be my “guardian angel” if you like. I like that idea. Thank you, Ana.’
She squeezed his arm again and then slipped her hand into her jeans pocket.
Flint looked at his watch. ‘Sorry, mate,’ he said, ‘we’re going to have to push off now – I’ve got a job at seven.’
‘Sure, sure. Of course. I’ll come with you to your car, if that’s all right?’
As they said their goodbyes in the car park, Zander looked at both of them, warmly and with a hint of embarrassment. ‘Could I – could I ask you a favour?’
They nodded.
‘Well – if it’s agreeable with you, I’d really like to keep in touch with you both.
I don’t mean like I want to be a big part of your lives, or anything,’ he gulped, ‘just, you know, the odd phonecall, or, maybe, if you’re ever in Scotland …
do you play golf, Flint?’ He addressed Flint properly for the first time since they’d arrived.
Flint nodded. ‘Yeah. I do actually.’
‘Well – there you go then. The two of you could come up for a golfing weekend. Stay at the Old Course hotel. It’s supposed to be very romantic.
I could come out with you. We could hire a buggy, or something and then you could come and have a quick drink with me in the union bar …
’ His face had lit up. ‘But only if you want to, obviously.’
‘Absolutely,’ said Ana, ‘I definitely want to stay in touch. Really.’
‘Well, then maybe we should all swap phone numbers? Then I can let you know what my number’s going to be in St Andrews.’
Ana pulled paper and a pen from her rucksack and they all exchanged numbers and then got into the car. Zander wheeled himself over to the passenger door and gestured at Ana to wind down her window. ‘The will,’ he said, ‘we haven’t talked about the will.’
‘Oh, well, maybe …’
‘I can sort it out,’ he said eagerly, ‘I’ve got a solicitor. He administers my trust. He’ll be able to find out if it’s binding or not. And if it is – if I am getting everything, then I’d really like to, you know, make sure you get something.’
Ana shook her head. ‘Don’t be silly,’ she said, ‘Bee wanted you to have everything. For your future. You know.’
‘Ana,’ he said, ‘I don’t need Bee’s money. I’m loaded.’
‘Are you?’
‘Uh-huh – I’m worth half a million or something.’
‘What!’
‘Yeah. One of the advantages of being the only surviving member of a resolutely middle-class, professional family with fully paid-up life insurance policies. It’s all in trust till I’m twenty-one, but I really don’t need Bee’s money.’
‘Well,’ said Ana, feeling uncomfortable with the nature of this conversation, ‘I mean. Whatever you want to do. But really, I don’t …’
Flint revved the car.
‘Sorry,’ she said, smiling at Zander.
‘Yeah, yeah, yeah,’ he said, ‘you need to get going. The traffic’ll be starting to build up now.’
Ana nodded and smiled and wound up her window. She and Flint waved and smiled at a beaming Zander, who waved them off from his wheelchair.