One Hot Summer

Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

Z ack had offered to drive, but giving directions to my brother’s house was far too complicated. Even Google Maps got confused by the postcode. Who buys a house in the middle of nowhere, miles away from the nearest tarmacked road? Andrew and Elizabeth bought their house just after they got married, thanks to a hefty donation from Elizabeth’s parents and grandparents. The wedding, which was also funded by the in-laws, was held on an island off the coast of mainland Greece. Everything was magical and perfect. Although my favourite bit of the day was when the doves they released pooped on Elizabeth’s mum’s fascinator. Still, I don’t recall having any cause to complain. The waiter Christos was barely old enough to serve alcohol, but was trained in quickly replacing an empty glass of ouzo with a new one.

As my car rolled over their newly gravelled private driveway, which was as long as my own street, we finally arrived at the house. I parked as far away as possible, delaying entering their perfect home, seeing their perfect children and having every family member commenting on how perfect everything was. Yes, Andrew’s house was immaculate, but they all seemed to forget that I had grown up with him. I knew all of his quirks and disgusting habits which would certainly be grounds for divorce if he still did them now. I remembered his bedroom back home being so grotty that there was a family of mice living under the heap of clothes under his desk.

Thinking about my family, I had a sudden, unexplained pang of panic. “It’s not too late, you know,” I said to Zack, as he unbuckled his seatbelt. “We can leave now and say we couldn’t make it. Too much traffic on the M62. There’s always roadworks, or a crash to hold things up. No one would question it.”

“I think it’s a little too late for that, my dear.” He patted my knee.

“Why?”

“Your mother has spotted us and is over there waving for us to hurry.”

“Just don’t make eye contact! Come on, let’s go.” I jangled the keys.

“Come on,” he laughed, “it won’t be that bad. It’s only family. If someone starts asking you probing questions just shove some food in your mouth so you can’t answer.”

That was a very good point. This was a barbeque. Better yet, a barbeque hosted by my brother and his wife. Their ‘no processed meats’ rule meant there would be big, meaty beef burgers, pork sausages and strips of chicken coated in delicious marinades. Colourful salads and creamy pastas. My stomach grumbled at the thought of it all. I was so glad I’d skipped breakfast for this, as there would be a mountain of food on offer.

We got out of the car and Zack stared at the house. To be honest, it was more like a mansion. Surely no one needed that many bedrooms.

“This is quite a place,” he said, taking it all in. “Makes my flat look like a shed or an outbuilding.”

“I have to admit, it is really nice. Just don’t ask Liz about it. She’ll take you on a tour to show it all off, and that’ll take about three hours. You’ll miss all the food.”

“You could save me a burger.” He put his arm around my shoulders.

“If you want to risk leaving food alone with me, then it’ll be your own fault.”

He laughed and kissed the side of my head. The gravel crunched under our feet as we approached my mother in the doorway. She changed her expression from a scowl to a smile as she greeted Zack with a hug and a kiss on each cheek. She reserved this kind of affection for Zack every time she saw him.

“So nice to see you again, Zack.” She turned to me, looking less friendly. “You’re late.”

She stepped back so we could make our way into the house. The entrance hall was the same size as my living room. There was a bespoke oak wardrobe for coats, a matching cabinet for shoes, a two-seater sofa, and even a piano in the corner. I often liked to sit in entrance halls and listen to music. Who needed a lounge?

“Nice to see you too, Mother. Were you really waiting for us at the door?”

My tummy rumbled. I could smell food cooking.

“I heard you coming down the drive. The food is almost ready, so you’re just in time.”

“Oh good, I’m starving. Seriously, Zack, my brother gets the best burgers. You’ll love them.” My mouth was already watering.

“Actually, there’s something I forgot to mention,” my mother said, shutting the door behind us and dropping the latch to prevent any potential exit.

“What? Don’t tell me they didn’t get any burgers?” I complained, already wishing I was out the door.

“Not quite.” She wouldn’t look me in the eye. “There are burgers, but not what one, or rather you, would usually have.”

“Mum, what is going on?”

“They’re, ah… Your brother and Elizabeth now eat a more plant-based diet.”

“What the chuff is a plant-based diet? Are they cooking dandelions?” Although, come to think of it, a garden weed would be far too common. They would be ordering bouquets of only the best flowers from the florist to eat instead.

“They’re… exploring a vegan lifestyle,” she finally said.

An unplanned explosion of laughter left my mouth, only ending when I saw that this wasn’t a joke. My mother was being serious.

“They’re what?”

My brother. The one who lived on meat-feast pizzas throughout his three years at university. The one who ordered double-meat subs from Subway. The one who wanted a spit-roast pig at his twenty-first birthday party. He had given up all animal products? This had to be a wind-up.

“They’ve decided on a change to be healthier and more eco-friendly, so this whole barbeque has a vegan-only selection of food. It’s actually rather delicious. Marvellous what these chefs come up with nowadays, you can’t tell the difference. You should sample the bacon or should I say facon. Tremendous.”

“So, they’re going to save the planet by forcing everyone to eat lettuce and hummus? What if there’s a greenfly on the lettuce and I accidentally eat it, will Liz ban me from the house?”

Zack scratched his chin in order to hide his smile.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Jennifer, it won’t kill you to try something new.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I could have prepared by eating something before I came.

“Because I know you, and you wouldn’t have come at all. You would have found an excuse, something to do with that cat of yours.”

She’s right, of course. I wouldn’t have come.

“It’s not going to be full of hippies, is it?” I asked, envisaging walking out to the garden and coming face to face with the long-haired preacher who campaigns in the town centre come rain or shine.

“Don’t be silly, it’s just family. Now come on, everyone is waiting.” She made her way through the door and out into the back garden.

“I tell you now,” I whispered to Zack once she was out of earshot. “If I find a stray caterpillar in my lettuce leaves, it’s having a public execution as a form of protest. What will they do if their kids get nits? Pull them out alive and set them free?”

“Wow, you do get cranky where food is concerned. It’s quite cute, actually.”

“My brother isn’t vegan. I’ll never believe it.”

“Well, there’s only one way to find out. Come on. If you get through this without making a scene involving a caterpillar and a guillotine, I’ll treat you to a big bucket of Colonel Sanders’ finest on the way home.”

“With gravy?”

“Double gravy. We can have one each. How about that?” He placed his hands on my face and pulled me in for a kiss.

“All right, fine,” I said, when we’d pulled apart from each other. “You’re on. I promise I will try not to kill a caterpillar.” If I saw an ant on the pavement though, it would need to run for cover.

We walked through the house, through the conservatory and out into the garden. With a sense of trepidation, I looked to the table where the food had been laid out.

Suddenly, a little person appeared in front of me.

“Aunty Jen! Aunty Jen!” he called out.

“Hello, Sam!” I picked my oldest nephew up and sat him on my hip. “Oh, you’ve grown.”

Sam giggled as I tickled him whilst he was trapped in my arms. His brother, Ethan, stared up at me with his wide eyes, unsure what to make of me. He had some sass for a three-year-old.

“Who’s that?” Sam asked, looking at Zack suspiciously.

“That’s my friend, Zack. I’ve brought him to meet you all today. Do you want to say hello?”

Zack smiled. “Hi, Sam, I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Is he your boyfriend?” he asked, with a look of disgust on his face.

“He is, are you going to say hello to him?”

My crazy confident nephew suddenly went all shy. Zack tried to say hello to him again, but he was having none of it, wriggling out of my grasp and running to the safety of his parents. Andrew, the new patron saint of animal welfare, turned and waved before making his way over to us.

“Jenny!” He greeted me with a hug. “So glad you came, sis. Haven’t seen you for ages. You never come over to see us here. And this must be Zack?”

“It’s nice to meet you. Thank you for the invite.” Zack shook his outstretched hand.

“Not a problem, pal. It’s good to meet you, finally.” He took a swig of his beer, which I noticed wasn’t his usual brand.

“Erm, what’s this?” I pointed at the bottle, his hand slyly covering the label.

“What?”

“This, right here, you might have missed it. It says ‘non-alcoholic’. I thought you were allowed to drink on weekends if you were a good boy and did all your homework. Did you buy the wrong one by mistake?”

“Well, no, Elizabeth doesn’t want alcohol in the house whilst she’s breastfeeding.” He looked around to see where his wife was. “If she isn’t allowed to have it then it’s not really fair.”

“Ah, right, okay. I hear you. And this whole vegan thing is, what, because the baby can’t chew on a steak yet, so it’s not fair to rub it in her face?”

“Actually, a plant-based diet is incredibly healthy.” He spoke loudly this time, turning to check where his wife was again. “No saturated fats, high fibre and, well, it’s proven to improve health. What are you staring at?”

“Nothing, nothing,” I said, although I had been staring at his mouth, waiting for the signature lip quiver to give him away. “So, who’s here then?” I looked around, seeing a crowd of people I didn’t really recognise swarming round Elizabeth as she cuddled baby Cora.

“Not many, actually. A lot of Elizabeth’s friends made it. Had a few people cancel last minute. Uncle Roy said something about a job in his garden.”

“Hmm, weird.” I said, betting anything that it was the food on offer that had turned off many of his family and friends. “Well, you’d best tell me what food there is because I have no clue what you’ve put out.”

“Me neither,” he said, a lot quieter. “It’s all a load of crap. I’ll tell you where the sausage rolls and chicken drumsticks are hidden later.”

“Jenny?” my mother called from across the garden. I saw she was holding Cora and making her way across to us, Liz eyeing her carefully as she made off with her baby. “Jenny, come see little Cora. Isn’t she beautiful?” She finally reached us.

I peeked at Cora’s chunky little cheeks as she was presented to me. “Aw, yeah, you did make another cute one, bro. Kudos.”

“She is beautiful,” Zack agreed.

“What are you doing?” I asked my mum, who was trying to pass the baby to me.

“Unfold your arms then. Come on, she won’t bite.”

“Yeah, Jen,” my brother piped up. “Come on, you know you want to.”

I shot him a glance as my cheeks burned.

“Here.” Before I could protest, my mum placed the baby in my arms, which I reluctantly unfolded to cradle little Cora. She was sound asleep, luckily, and little squeaky sounds escaped from her tiny nostrils.

“See,” my mother said. “Nothing wrong with that.”

I smiled in agreement as I looked at the baby’s face. Tiny specks of dark hair were visible on her head. I released one of my hands to stroke her, amazed at how soft her skin was.

“Looks good on you, Jen,” Andrew teased.

“Yes, perfect practice for when you and Zack have…” I shot my mother a glance this time, hoping to silence her. “I mean, if you and Zack, not that you need to, you might not, or you might, but…”

“Come on, Mum.” Andrew took baby Cora from me. “Help me see if Cora needs a nappy change. It must be time now.”

“I didn’t mean…” Mum tried to argue her case as my brother put her arm around her, pulling her away.

“Let’s just head this way.” Their voices faded as they made their way back into the house.

I looked to Zack who was trying, and failing, to hold in a laugh. “Are you okay?”

“Shall we investigate this food situation?” I said through gritted teeth.

“Ha, come on.” He put his arm around me. “It’ll take a lot more than your mother’s comments to have me running for the hills.”

“That wasn’t too bad, was it?” Zack asked on the drive home. He insisted on driving.

“It wasn’t too bad, my mother walking on eggshells the rest of the afternoon was quite funny. You handled that well.”

“Your mum’s harmless.” He chuckled. “Anyway, you survived your first experience of vegan cuisine. What did you think?”

“It was all right,” I said. “Off the record, though, I am bloody starving.” I smiled at him, and he took his eyes off the road for a second to glance back at me. I loved his smile. “Anyway, how did you get on? I saw you chatting to my brother for ages. I wanted to be nosy and see what was so interesting between the two of you, but I was otherwise engaged.”

“Yeah, I noticed you’d been roped into a game of hide-and-seek with Sam. He’s adorable.”

Sam had been hiding behind a tree for ages, his arms wrapped around it, which meant it was glaringly obvious where he was, but he really believed I couldn’t see him. If his arms weren’t giving his position away, his infectious giggle was.

“It was fun, but I admit, I was trying to stay away from my mother. She kept trying to make me hold the baby again. I mean, yes, Cora is incredibly cute, but I prefer them when they can talk.” Zack laughed. “Do you know what I mean though? Babies are silent, you never know what they’re thinking or when they’re going to spit up on you.”

“You might feel different when it’s your own in the future.”

“Mum? Is that you? Your Zack mask is very convincing.” I prodded his face.

“Ha! You know what I mean.”

“Yeah… I guess.”

His words knocked me back a bit. He didn’t say ‘our baby’. Did he mean that I would have babies in a future without him? Or was he planning that kind of future with me? We’ve never talked about having kids. We’ve never even talked about getting married. He has practically moved in with me since I got back from Rome. We haven’t spent a night apart. I know the tenancy is up on his flatshare soon. Did he want to renew it, or make it official and move in with me? Apparently, grown men are as silent as babies when it comes to what they’re thinking. I might have to tickle it out of him, like I had to tickle Sam to tell me where he had hidden my phone after I’d let him play Candy Crush on it earlier.

“Perhaps.” I didn’t know how else to respond.

“I was chatting to your brother about holidays. He said they’d not been abroad since having Sam.”

“No, I think the thought of controlling that many children on a flight gave Elizabeth an anxiety attack. Shame really. They had some fantastic holidays before they got married. They actually took three months off work and travelled around Asia for their honeymoon.” I remember my mother being in a panic as they went during monsoon season and we lost contact with them for a few days. It turned out they’d made friends with a local taxi driver who took them in. Only my brother could have ended up in that situation.

“Maybe we should go away together. What do you think?”

“Really?” I had visions of us buying a tent, camping in a boggy field and trying to heat up tomato soup over a poorly lit campfire. “Yeah, that could be nice.”

“There’ll be some late summer deals. Portugal is nice, have you ever been?”

“No.” I suddenly perked up and momentarily forgot all about my hunger pangs. “Have you?”

“A few times. Or we could look at the Canary Islands. Where would you like to go?”

“Anywhere I can relax by a pool or dip my toes in the warm sea and feel my skin sizzling under the sun.” I smiled. Rome was amazing, but I felt like I needed another holiday to get a rest as soon as we got home. A relaxing, romantic summer getaway, just me and Zack, would be perfect.

It may not be one of the more serious relationship questions like babies or marriage, but going on holiday together is a big commitment. We could wake early and, in true Brit style, nab our sun loungers before everyone else and then head for breakfast. Sunbathe, swim in the sea, more sunbathing, eat as much food as possible. Then, before it was time for our evening meal, we would head back to the hotel to shower and have sex.

“Great. We can get looking soon, get some ideas.” He took his left hand off the steering wheel and put it on my leg, leaving it there whilst we cruised down the motorway.

I heard my phone ping through the Bluetooth connection to the car. I’d not checked it since Sam brought it back from wherever it had been hidden. There were two missed calls from Sarah and three WhatsApp messages.

Tea.

TEA.

FFS WILL YOU CALL ME, TEA TEA!!!!!!!

Oops. I had already failed in my duty.

“I forgot that Sarah was meeting someone today. She mustn’t be enjoying herself much.” I couldn’t contain my giggles.

“Aren’t you going to call her then?”

“Okay, okay, I suppose I ought to rescue her.”

It was probably time to put her out of her misery.

“What took you so long?” Sarah asked me breathily when I finally called her.

“It wasn’t that long,” I laughed, “only an hour. Little Sam had my phone, sorry.”

“I could have been kidnapped and murdered in that time. Although that might have been preferable. Oh Jenny, it was bloody awful. Just awful. I forgot how terrible the dating scene could be.”

“Given how much I complained about it, that does surprise me.”

“I couldn’t get away quick enough. I am mortified.”

“So, go on then, tell me what happened?”

Sarah had opted to wear her floral maxi dress, with her hair down, bouncing off of her sun-kissed shoulders as she strutted in her stilettos. There was a group of men in their early twenties by the bar, making the most of the two-for-one drinks offer. They all looked up as she walked in, smiling at her as she removed her sunglasses. She wondered if one of them might be Nigel, her first dating app suitor, but none of them advanced towards her. She decided to wait at the bar and order herself a small glass of wine, when a tap on her shoulder stopped her.

“ Oh, I don’t need a table just yet, ” she told the very young waiter. “ I’m waiting for someone, so I’ll hang by the bar until he gets here. ”

“ Sarah? ” the young man said to her. “ It’s me, Nigel. ” His braces sparkled under the chandelier light and his black bow tie sat slightly wonkily against his white, creased shirt.

Sarah thought this must be a wind-up. That Jenny had arranged this as a joke. It had to be. Nigel’s profile photo had depicted a normal enough guy in a suit, seated at a computer desk, holding a tumbler with what looked like a shot of whisky in it. Very suave and mature. The man standing in front of her did not look like he was old enough to legally drink alcohol.

“ Our table is over there, by the window, ” he panted excitedly. Sarah looked to the group of guys by the bar, hoping they would notice a damsel in distress and save her, but they had now been joined by a group of twenty-something girls and were no longer interested in her. They were sipping their cocktails and laughing together without a care in the world, and with no concern for Sarah at all.

Sarah followed her date, feeling like a childminder. He ran ahead and gallantly pulled out her chair for her, which she quietly thanked him for, secretly wishing it wasn’t a table by the big window, but rather one at the back where no one could see her.

“ So, ” Sarah began. “ Nigel, I have to be honest, you’re not what I was expecting. ”

He blushed and smiled broadly, clearly taking it as a compliment.

“ How old are you? ” she asked. She knew she sounded blunt, but she wasn’t happy.

“ I’m twenty-two. I know my profile says thirty-two. I need to change it. ”

“ Yes, you do. And, just guessing now, but I suppose you’re not a creative director at a web design company? ”

“ Well… ” A waitress appeared before he could answer, with a plate of sandwiches, nibbles and cakes. Sarah was confused because they hadn’t ordered anything to eat yet. “ I hope you don’t mind, ” Nigel said, seeing her obvious confusion. “ I thought it would be nice to share an afternoon tea. I know women like that. I saw it on TikTok. ”

“ Ah, I’m not familiar with TikTok. ”

“ Oh you should get it, ” he insisted. “ It’s ace. ”

Sarah moved her attention to the food, which she thought looked very nice. She wondered if concentrating on the food would make this date more bearable.

“ There are two glasses of prosecco included per person, ” the waitress said. “ But as it is a special occasion, ” she winked at Sarah, “ I’ll just bring you a bottle. ”

The waitress sauntered away.

“ Special occasion? ” Sarah asked. “ Why did she say it was a special occasion? ”

“ Well, when I booked here, I said it was our first romantic meeting, ” he made a sound which could only be described as a nervous giggle or a snort, “ and I wanted it to be extra special. ”

She felt so embarrassed. It was time to bring out the big guns. She had rescued Jenny many times, having to take the fake emergency phone call, even if it was not convenient at the time. It was a duty. Now, it was time for Jenny to return the favour.

Sarah’s phone was in her bag. She reached in and discreetly typed out the infamous text message and sent it. It would not be long until she was saved and could make a swift exit to the train station just down the road. She didn’t want to just run out. Nigel was very young, and she didn’t want to upset him.

The waitress had managed to compose herself long enough to bring over the bottle of prosecco and two glasses, however the tears of laughter were still in her eyes.

“ Here you are, ” she said, gleefully. “ Is there anything else we can get you to make your time with us more memorable? ”

“ No, ” Sarah said quickly. “ This is memorable enough, thank you. ”

Sarah poured herself a glass of prosecco and wondered what was taking Jenny so long to call her back. She quickly typed out another message.

“ So, I don’t know if you recognised my name, or saw this on my profile, but I’m a bit of a celebrity around here, ” Nigel said, waiting for Sarah to ask him to elaborate. She stayed quiet, but he continued anyway. “ I run my own blog. It’s very popular. My last one got two hundred hits! ”

“ Oh yeah? ” She picked up her glass, her eyes glancing to her bag, impatiently waiting for the sound of her phone ringing. “ What do you write about? ” She glanced down at her Apple watch too, willing it to light up with a message, but nothing happened. She sipped her prosecco. It tasted like fizzy, sour water.

“ It’s a sex blog. ”

“ Sorry, a what? ” She wiped some prosecco from her chin as she stifled a laugh.

“ A sex blog. I write about my personal experiences. It has a huge following. ” His hand gesture as he uttered the word ‘huge’ made Sarah want to laugh even more. “ So, just a heads-up, I am up for anything. ” He smiled, licking his lips. “ I mean anything. ”

Sarah cringed. She wanted to be sick. She wanted to leave. She wanted her best friend to hurry the hell up and call her back! She sent another message, not caring if Nigel saw.

I was laughing so much I could hardly breathe.

“And then! He proceeded to tell me about the best position for reaching an orgasm if in a confined space such as a toilet cubicle. After that I was too scared to use the loo in case he followed me! He also mansplained oral sex, and I think I can confidently say from his explanation that he’s never experienced it, giving or receiving.”

“Stop!” I was finally able to speak. “Please stop, I can’t take any more. This is too funny.”

“I’m deleting that app.”

“No, you’re not,” I insisted. “It was the first date. You’ve popped your blind-date cherry. It is time to find your second date.”

“Do I have to?”

“Absolutely. This is fun, I can see why you sent me on so many. We just need a better vetting system. I’ll help you find your next one. But most importantly, what is Nigel’s blog link? I have to see it.”

“I have no idea, I was too scared to ask. Anyway, if you read it, it might put you off sex forever. I stopped listening when he tried telling me how to find the male G-spot. That is the time your emergency call finally came through, so I still don’t know the answer, thank God. Tell me something to get my mind off the thought. What did you do today?”

“I ate vegan food at a vegan barbeque.”

“Shut up. You? I don’t believe you.”

“Well, believe it. I’m even thinking of converting. I have seen the light, and the light is leaves mushed up and shaped into sausages.”

“Now I know you’re lying. You’d never give up bacon sandwiches.”

She knows me far too well. I told her about my brother’s secret stash of meaty treats in his garage. He managed to briefly take me in there, telling his wife he was showing me his new Tesla, when he really wanted to show me the storage cupboard, which was actually an integrated fridge.

“That’s hilarious.”

“Why doesn’t he just do what he likes? That’s what I don’t get. He always seems to go along with what she wants. It’s like he doesn’t have a voice in his own family environment.” It was the same with my own parents. There never was any middle ground.

“That could be marriage,” Sarah said with a sigh. “Not like you or I know anything about that. There’ll be sacrifices and compromises. As long as everyone’s broadly happy. Maybe having a happy wife is what makes Andrew happy.”

“She has a new trend to try every year. You watch, she will want them all to live in a mud hut in the middle of the woods, without electricity or running water next.”

Sarah laughed. “I think that’s a bit extreme. Although I still remember their wedding breakfast, with the food served on banana leaves.”

“Ha! My mum still hasn’t gotten over that. It didn’t help that I told her to watch out for exotic African spiders hiding in amongst them. Anyway, I need to share my most exciting piece of news…” I hesitated, leaving Sarah in suspense while Zack parked up. I motioned to him that I’d be in shortly. “…Zack has asked me to go on holiday with him.”

“Ooh! How exciting! When are you going? Where will you go?”

“I’m not sure. Somewhere hot and sunny, walking distance to the beach, food on demand, private pool, balcony optional.”

“You’re not asking for much then.” She laughed. “You’ll get some good deals this time of year too, I bet.”

“Hopefully. I think we’ll get looking properly over the next few weeks. We just need to get this meal out of the way with his parents, first.”

“You’re meeting the parents too? This is a night of big news. When’s this happening?”

“I don’t know, he’s just got inside so might be giving them a call now. I’m so nervous. I get the impression they’re really well off. I hope they don’t suggest somewhere posh to eat. Those places always serve tiny portions of pretentious food. Do you remember your Aunty Susan’s wedding in York?”

“Oh yes,” she said, laughing. “When you made me sneak out with you to the KFC down the road before the evening guests arrived?”

“I was starving! That piece of pork was so small it may as well have been served on a cocktail stick.”

“Well, find out where his parents want to take you first, and check out the menu. Then eat before you go if you have to.”

“That’s a good idea. Anyway, we need to meet up soon and find your next date.”

“Believe it or not, I’m not in any rush for that, but we do need to meet up. How about after you’ve met his parents? We could do lunch and you can tell me all about them.”

“That sounds like a plan,” I said with a smile.

I put down the phone, allowed myself a couple of moments to dream about a hot holiday with Zack in the not-too-distant future, and then headed inside to put the kettle on.