26. Vivian
Vivian
M y feet move without any sense of direction, my thoughts overwhelming my mind, until I almost bump into the wall separating the living room from the kitchen.
Turning at the last minute, I freeze as Michael comes toward me, his movements slow and controlled.
Backing me up against the wall, he carefully, deliberately , leans his arms on either side of my head, bracketing me in so that I can’t see anything but the resolve in his expression.
I’m not used to emotional confrontation; sweeping things under the metaphorical rug is all I’ve ever known.
It’s clear Michael is going to insist on a decision, on working this out together, and while his intensity scares me, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to feeling a small rush at his determination.
He’s strong. Dedicated. Unwavering in his convictions. And he’s convinced this is the right choice for us.
But can I really do this?
“Vivian, I will find another job if you need me to. Because nothing is going to keep us apart. I won’t let it.”
He grips my chin softly but firmly, forcing my eyes to meet his.
“But, please, consider it. Consider what it can mean for us. A fresh start, away from all our bullshit, our pasts. The things that hold us back. A clean slate to build our lives together without any interference. From anyone .” He pauses, searching my eyes with his.
The fire in his gaze consumes me, pinning me to the spot.
“If what you’re really concerned about is what other people think, don’t be.
What they think doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have to make sense to them, only us.
My mom, your mom, our friends… They all think they know how we should live our lives.
But they’re our lives to live, not theirs.
They’re not part of our relationship; it’s me, you, and God.
That’s what we have together; that’s what we’re going to build upon.
“Are they going to be there with us, doing our jobs and paying the bills and being there when we fight? Hell no. They don’t get to lay claim to that.
That’s us, doing the work, making this work, day in and day out.
We will be here for each other, be strong for each other.
That’s what a marriage is and no one else has any right to speak into it when they’re not a part of it.
” He pauses, brushing away a strand of hair that’s fallen into my eyes, his touch so tender compared to the heated passion in his words.
“I know this is a lot sooner than what we originally talked about, and I’m sorry for taking you by surprise.
It wasn’t how I expected our Monday to go.
But I won’t say I’m sorry that this pushes our plans up.
Because the sooner that you have my last name and the sooner that we can start our lives together, the better as far as I’m concerned.
” He slides one firm hand over my stomach, caressing it.
“This opportunity could mean us starting a family sooner rather than later. If that’s what you want.
” He must hear the hitch in my breath, because his hand continues to smooth over my belly, like he’s laying claim to it. To what could be.
He rests his forehead against mine, as if pressing our heads together would help me see inside his mind.
“I know this feels really fast for you. But it’s not fast for me at all.
I knew you were mine the moment I saw you.
This is just going to make it official to everybody what I already know in my heart.
” He reaches up, running his thumb along my cheek, wiping away the tears that have slowed to a trickle.
“I want to be with you. I want to hold you in our bed every night. I want to wake up to you every single morning. Want to have children with you. I want us to be old and gray on rocking chairs on the porch looking after our grandkids. And I promise that I will do everything I can in this life to make you happy to be with me. To be glad that you chose me.” He pauses, his forehead wrinkling, and closes his eyes for a moment.
When he opens them again I can see a shimmer of fragility even as he fixes me with the intensity of his gaze.
“Come with me, mi amor. Come with me because you love me as much as I love you. Come with me even without the promise of these new opportunities. Come with me because you can’t bear to be without me, like I can’t bear to be without you.
Come with me, not out of defiance to your mother or to prove all of those naysayers wrong.
Come with me because it’s what you want.
Because we can’t live without each other. ”
I see both the vulnerability and the challenge in his eyes and shiver involuntarily despite the heat emanating from his body.
I would never admit it, but him standing here, making me face my own raw emotions, is as much of a complete turn-on just as much as it addresses my fears.
The way his body cages me in, protective but not allowing me to escape our conversation, is surprisingly arousing.
His chest heaves as he speaks, showing me this is affecting him just as much as it does me.
Demanding my attention; demanding an answer. That I’m worth fighting for.
He’s not shying away from uncomfortable emotions or difficult situations.
Instead, he’s calling me out on my own insecurities and helping me work through them.
Tackling the issues head-on, working to find a solution.
Together. Like a team. Equal partners. I’m still getting used to being both respected and spoiled silly by this man, but each and every day, he’s teaching me what to expect from him.
No games; no hidden agendas. He’s open, honest, and forthright about who he is and what he wants.
How many times am I going to ask him to prove himself to me when he has been clear from the start?
If he says he has loved me from day one and been backing it up every day since, why am I questioning it?
Because no matter how much the idea of leaving home scares me, the prospect of losing Michael scares me even more. I know, deep down, that he’s the one for me. I’ve already said I’d marry him for heaven’s sake. I’m wearing his ring. I’m committed.
And he’s asking me to trust him.
I must be insane for even considering it.
This kind of reckless behavior has gotten me into trouble in the past and what if I’m making another mistake?
What if it really is too soon to know for sure?
I figured we had weeks, months to get to know each other before taking this final, very permanent step.
Just in case . So much in my life hasn’t turned out the way I thought it would.
What if it doesn’t work out; what if, as he gets to know me better, he doesn’t want me after all?
I’ll be up shit’s creek in another state. Is this really a good idea?
As if he can sense the haphazard swirling of my thoughts, Michael strokes his firm hands down my sides, lowering himself all the way to the floor. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he buries his head in my belly, crushing me to him.
“Talk to me, Vivian. It’s killing me not to know what you’re thinking.” His words are muffled as he speaks into my shirt, but then he lifts his head, looking up at me.
The anguish in his eyes startles me. This beautiful, noble, wonderful man is on his literal knees before me, beseeching me.
“If you’re having second thoughts, you have nothing to worry about, mi amor. I will spend my whole life trying to make you happy. Please. Because I don’t want a life without you in it. Surely, you must know, you must feel how perfect, how right this is. How much we’re meant for each other.”
He pauses before telling me quietly, “You are the one my soul has been waiting for. And I don't want to breathe anywhere you aren’t.
“ Please . Please take this chance with me. I know it’s not the way we planned.
But I can’t go forward without you. Eres el amor de mi vida y siempre quiero estar contigo.
I don’t ever want to be apart from you, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure we’re together.
You are the heart of me, mi amor. I want this with you, today and every day after. ”
I close my eyes, resting my head against the wall, and envision the future he painted for me.
Imagining what it would be like to start all over again, but not by myself.
This time I’d have Michael with me, who’s shown me what a true partner is supposed to be.
What it might be like to explore a new city together, finding all the best places to eat.
Having thoughtful conversations with someone who makes me laugh, makes me think, who challenges me.
Walking along hand in hand on the proverbial beach.
Learning Spanish. Setting up a home together.
A nursery for children one day. Rocking on those porch chairs he talked about as we watch sunsets.
Waking up next to him every morning and kissing him goodnight.
Being together as we both grow old and gray.
This , this is what happiness looks like to me.
And then I open my eyes and take in the man kneeling at my very feet.
Clutching my body to him, utter devotion in his posture, I see a man who’s professed undying love for me.
Who treats me as if I’m already his wife.
Who has both stood up for me and been there when I needed support.
Who doesn’t care about my past, or my fibro, or any of the things that make me feel less than.
Who accepts me just as I am. He doesn’t want to change me; he just wants to be with me. To love me. Forever.