Chapter 20 #2
SJ certainly didn’t recall drinking two bottles of wine. There was a blank in her head where her memory should have been. But she wasn’t about to confess this. Tanya now looked more sad than angry.
‘Are you okay, Tan?’ she asked, suddenly aware of how selfish she was being – lying on the floor in a heap when Tanya had probably come round to unburden herself.
‘I’m fine, SJ – but you’re obviously not…’ She broke off mid-sentence and glanced up, and SJ realised Tom had come back into the room.
‘Is she all right?’
‘I wouldn’t go as far as that. But at least she’s conscious.’ Tanya stood up.
‘Hey, I am here, you know. I can speak for myself.’
Both of them ignored her. Tom turned back to Tanya. ‘I didn’t know things were this bad. I had no idea.’
‘Didn’t she tell you she’d been going to a clinic about her drinking?’
‘Well, yes, but I thought she was overreacting. She is a bit of a drama queen sometimes. Hell…’ He sat on a dining-room chair, put his head in his hands, his long fingers ruffling his black hair, and SJ felt fleetingly sorry for him – until she realised he was talking about her.
The cheek of it. She never overreacted. It was Alison who was the drama queen.
‘I don’t know why you’re making so much fuss,’ she began, clambering unsteadily to her feet. ‘I just got a bit drunk, that’s all.’
‘SJ, that was past drunk.’ Tanya came across. ‘You were unconscious on the floor. We’ve been trying to bring you round for the last half an hour. And I know it’s happened before because you’ve told me about it.’
SJ flicked a startled glance at Tom.
‘You’ve been having blackouts, too, haven’t you?’ Tanya carried on relentlessly.
‘No idea. I don’t remember. What are blackouts, anyway?’
‘Periods of memory loss.’ Tanya’s lips twisted in a wry smile. She was obviously trying to make a joke of it.
SJ decided to join in. ‘Everyone has memory lapses at my age. They’re called senior moments!’
‘SJ, please just shut up and take this seriously for five minutes.’ Tanya’s usually husky voice was slightly shrill.
Alarmed, SJ shut up and decided she’d feel better if she sat down again.
She slid down the wall until she was on the floor once more, her legs bent in front of her.
Her leggings were grubby and covered in dog hairs.
She tried to remember when she’d last vacuumed and couldn’t – a further example of her fading memory, obviously.
‘Do you remember phoning Michael earlier?’
‘Of course. But I didn’t phone him – he phoned me. Something about squash.’
‘You phoned him back.’ Tanya bent and her fingers closed tightly around SJ’s wrist. ‘You were rambling – you were talking about someone called Liz. But when I came on the phone you hung up. Do you remember any of that?’
SJ felt herself break into a cold sweat as she looked up into Tanya’s green eyes and saw the fear there.
‘No… What did I say?’
‘You were pretty incoherent from what I can gather,’ Tanya continued quietly, before flicking a warning glance towards Tom, who looked bemused at the turn the conversation was taking.
‘Liz is a student,’ SJ said quickly, hoping to salvage something from this awful mess. Michael might have guessed she knew something she shouldn’t have known, but it was obvious Tom had no idea what they were talking about.
‘I’ve been seeing her after class to talk about this poetry book she’s interested in publishing. Tell Michael I’m sorry. He didn’t need to listen to all that.’
There was a long moment when, even in her befuddled state, SJ knew she was apologising for a lot more than nonsensical ramblings.
She had no idea if Michael was aware Tanya had told her about his fondness for women’s clothes.
Tanya didn’t seem to think so but it was no thanks to her – she couldn’t even remember the conversation.
Horrified with herself for being so out of control, she closed her eyes.
‘I’m really sorry,’ she repeated. ‘He must think I’m a complete idiot.’
‘He’s not the only one.’ Tanya let go of her wrist and rocked back on her heels. ‘You need to get this sorted out, SJ, before you really hurt someone. Or yourself – but I think you’re already doing that, aren’t you?’
SJ nodded, darts of shame shooting through her. It was much worse to hurt other people than yourself. And Tanya was the last person she wanted to hurt. She followed Tom’s example and rested her pounding head in her hands.
Then Tom roused himself from the dining table and she heard him coming across the room. ‘This is all my fault. I’ve been too tied up with work. I haven’t been here for you.’
‘It’s not your fault.’ SJ glanced at him, stricken, as guilt piled upon guilt. Tom looked really upset. His face was pale and there were circles of tiredness around his eyes. Had one afternoon of over-indulgence really made him look like that? She wished she didn’t feel so tired and fuzzy.
‘Actually – if you two don’t mind, I’m going to bed.
I don’t feel all that well.’ It was the coward’s way out.
She knew it was. But it was true. She couldn’t remember feeling so bad since…
Well, probably since the last time she’d drunk too much, too quickly.
The awful thing was that she knew exactly what would make her feel better – another glass of wine from the half bottle that was still sitting on the dining-room table.
‘Don’t even think about it,’ Tanya warned. ‘Go and sleep it off. We’ll talk later.’
‘Yes, we will,’ echoed Tom.
SJ slunk away before either of them changed their minds.