Chapter 22 #2
‘Not what sort of party?’ Had she missed something? Had she been so busy thinking about herself that she’d not heard what Tanya had said? Her ‘friend radar’ was suddenly on full alert, although Tanya didn’t seem anxious to elaborate. SJ waited expectantly.
‘It’s… well… it’s a gender expression party. It’s where men dress up as women. And apparently some of the wives go and… well… SJ, do you mind me talking about this sort of stuff?’
‘Of course I don’t mind. I’m glad you trust me – I mean after… you know…’
‘I’ve always trusted you. It was the drink I didn’t trust.’ Tanya reached across and patted SJ’s hand, her face earnest. ‘If I hadn’t trusted you totally, I’d never have told you. It would hurt Michael terribly if it ever came out. He’d feel I’d betrayed him.’
‘I won’t tell a soul. I promise.’ SJ felt both humbled and afraid. A few months ago she’d have been horrified if anyone had told her she couldn’t be trusted. But then she hadn’t been aware she’d ever had a blackout until recently. She hadn’t even known what they were.
‘So what did Candice say?’
Tanya shook her head. ‘She doesn’t mind her husband going to parties; she goes with him, she says it’s a laugh.
But I can’t, SJ. I can’t bear the thought of it.
It would seem like – God, I don’t know – going to some elaborate fancy dress party, which is fine if you’re a kid or even a teenager, but to see a lot of grown-up men prancing around in stockings and dresses – well, actually it makes me feel a bit sick. Is that wrong?’
SJ shook her head vehemently and put her arm around Tanya’s narrow shoulders.
‘I’ve never been into fancy dress parties,’ Tanya said, a tear rolling down her nose.
‘Me neither,’ SJ said with feeling. ‘Never seen the point of them. Complete waste of time.’
Tanya smiled and SJ wondered if she was remembering the time SJ had organised a sixties party at college and had persuaded a reluctant Tanya to get her hair done up in a beehive.
‘I don’t mind him dressing up in private. I understand it’s something he needs to do. But I can’t go to this party. And he really wants me to. I don’t know what to do.’
SJ stared at the hanging baskets around the decking for inspiration. The fuchsias over-spilled in a riot of purple and pink bells and somewhere close by lavender scented the summer air.
‘Do you mind if he goes by himself? I mean, I know it’s not ideal, but if you could bear that, then maybe it would be a good compromise.’
Tanya frowned. ‘Yes, it would. That’s if he would go by himself. I suppose I could ask him.’
‘I mean, he can’t expect you to embrace every aspect of his… his cross-dressing.’ SJ decided directness was best. ‘You have to take it one step at a time.’ She had a feeling that line had come from an AA meeting, but it seemed to fit.
‘You’re right. Maybe if I put it like that. You are quite a wise old soul, aren’t you?’
‘If that were true, I wouldn’t have ended up in this mess,’ SJ said with a sigh.
‘But alcoholism’s an illness. It can happen to anyone.’
‘Mmm.’ SJ wasn’t sure she was just talking about her drinking problem any more.
She wanted to mention how things were with Tom, who was doing his best to support her.
He no longer drank with dinner, and he’d moved all the alcohol out of the house.
But it didn’t seem fair to talk about Tom.
They were always talking about her problems. It was Tanya’s turn.
‘So tell me about the dressing up at home – I mean, if you want to. How are you coping with that?’
Tanya hesitated, but only for a moment this time.
‘He doesn’t do it often. I mean, it’s not an everyday thing.
A lot of the time our life is perfectly normal.
’ Her eyes clouded, and SJ wondered at her choice of words – deep down, she suspected that Tanya would have given a very great deal to go back to the normality their life had once been.
‘He tends to do it when he’s stressed. Sometimes if there’s a problem at work – or if he’s worried about something.
I think it gives him comfort. We’ve talked about it quite a lot and I’ve wondered if there’s any connection to the relationship he had with his mum.
She brought him up single-handed, you see, because his dad had left them. He never even met his dad.’
‘Poor little mite,’ SJ sympathised.
‘Yes – but she also had to work for a living, so Michael used to get passed around between relatives. He hated it. He was quite a mummy’s boy, so she used to give him something of hers to cuddle until she got back.
Usually a scarf or something. I don’t know…
SJ, your psychology’s better than mine, but it struck me there could be a connection. What do you think?’
‘Makes sense,’ SJ said. They were still sitting very close and she could smell Tanya’s perfume mingling with the sweetness of jasmine beside the deck. ‘Childhood has a lot to answer for, that’s for sure. So does Michael actually wear your clothes?’
‘Oh, no.’ Tanya wrinkled her nose. ‘There are shops you can go to that specialise in cross-dressing, or you can get stuff online… which is what we’ve been doing up until now.
Lingerie’s tricky. We knew roughly what size he was – from mine – you know…
So we just choose stuff he likes the look of.
And the feel of – textures are very important. He likes silk best.’
‘I’m with him on that one,’ SJ said, fascinated. ‘Silk’s my favourite too – and, hey, you won’t have any trouble with Christmas and birthdays any more, will you? Silk knickers beat boring old socks any day of the week, don’t they?’
Tanya’s face froze and for a moment SJ thought she may have taken her ‘lightening the mood’ comments too far but then, to her relief, Tanya nodded.
‘To be honest, I’m not very keen on the actual dressing up bit.
I’d be quite happy if he did that in private.
But I quite enjoy helping him choose the clothes.
This is going to sound strange, but it’s a bit like helping out a teenage niece who’s just blossoming into womanhood.
Or a friend who hasn’t got much fashion sense. ’
‘Like me,’ SJ supplied helpfully, and Tanya smiled properly now.
‘No, not like you. You’re beautiful – naturally beautiful – and it’s all the more appealing because you’re so unaware of it.’
SJ was so startled she choked on the last of her smoothie. ‘I’m not beautiful. I’m a mess. I’m overweight and I’ve got witch’s hair.’ She twirled a strand of it around her fingers to demonstrate.
‘Good grief, you talk some rubbish sometimes. You’ve got the most amazing hair and beautiful eyes. You’d be stunning if you made a bit more effort. When was the last time you went to a salon?’
‘I’m allergic to beauty salons,’ SJ muttered, having visions of fake nails and tanning beds and being uncomfortably reminded of Alison.
‘I’m talking about hairdressing salons. They wouldn’t need to do much. You’ve got naturally lovely hair. You remind me of a young Cindy Crawford. It’s a gorgeous colour anyway, but it’d look fantastic with the right cut.’
SJ felt heat in her face. She wasn’t used to compliments.
‘I do need a haircut, I know. I’ll get it sorted. Maybe you could recommend the place you go to?’ Not that she had any illusions of ending up looking like Tanya, who was always stunning.
Tanya took a card out of her bag and slipped it across the table. ‘I see Oliver – he’s the owner. The salon’s in the precinct. Tell him I sent you.’
‘Right. Thanks, I’ll go.’ They seemed to have got off the subject of Michael, but at least Tanya looked happier now. Her face was open and relaxed.
‘I’d tell you some more, SJ. But Michael’s due back in about ten minutes.’
‘I should be going, anyway. Tom will be home.’ She felt suddenly close to tears.
Tanya and Michael’s marriage might still be recovering from the meteor blast of his revelations but at least they were picking their way over the rocky ground together.
At least they were talking. She wished her problem and the way she was dealing with it had drawn Tom closer to her, but if anything it had pushed them even further apart.
Sometimes she wondered whether she’d ever feel close to him again.
‘Thanks for coming round, SJ.’
‘Thanks for asking me.’
Tanya had forgiven her. She knew she should feel relieved. So why did she feel so sad and churned up as she kissed Tanya goodbye, clipped on Ash’s lead, and took him out to the car?