Chapter 38
Miriam
“Cela, I let him put his mouth on me again.”
“Are you pooping? I hear the vent fan.”
I frown. “No. I’m sitting on the toilet—”
“Girl, we are not that close.” Marcela sucks her teeth.
“Wait! I’m not using the bathroom. I’m in here to call you.”
“Who did what with a mouth?”
This is why I need actual friends. Ones I don’t let put their fingers and tongue inside me. The high from the kitchen vanished after I peeled myself off the table.
“Antonio is on the couch.”
“Okayy. He’s been over there before,” she says.
“We…Well, he—”
“You finally did it?!” I tear the phone from my ear and stare up at the ceiling. I don’t know if my sister cheering for my vagina is a sign of support or cause for concern.
My glasses shift with a pinch to the bridge of my nose. Any minute, she’ll stop hollering.
“We didn’t have sex!” That gets her quiet. “I mean, he gave me oral and fingered me—”
“TMI, Miri,” she warns.
“Sorry. I like to talk in facts, and I don’t know how to act around him since it’s the second time.”
She gets a summary of Vegas and what transpired after.
I leave out specific details, like the weapon between Antonio’s legs and how much I soaked the sheets.
By the time I get to me being the unexpected appetizer on my kitchen table, I’m out of breath from my brain trying to catch up with how fast I’m talking.
“Say something, please.” Marcela’s name is still sprawled across my screen in white letters. “What do you do when you cross the line with someone you care about?”
“What do you want to do?”
“I—That’s why I called you! I don’t have experience with this, and I don’t know how to go about determining the best solution.”
Bossing me around my entire life with nothing to say now?
Why is she laughing?
“My sweet sister. Love is not an equation to solve.”
It’d be easier if it was.
“This isn’t helping! You’re supposed to tell me that messing around is the fastest way to send our friendship straight to Hell. That these urges are because of our proximity. That he doesn’t love me like that.”
“We’re talking about the same Antonio, right?” Her tone is full of sarcasm. “The fool who called me because he couldn’t reach you, who had a charger sent to the room? That boy loves you, and I’d bet he’s loved you for some time.”
“I like him, but I don’t want to get hurt. We’ve never been this way, and I’m afraid we’re going to ruin what we have.” I roll the toilet paper back and forth over the holder.
“If he only cared about sex, he wouldn’t still be at your house.
” Marcela’s voice softens. “For someone like Antonio to dedicate time to you means you’re special—as he should!
You fools have fallen asleep on the phone.
You’ve kept a level of intimacy for years now.
You said you’re open to dating. Whoop, there it is. ”
The toilet tank’s cold porcelain digs into my back. “Our pairing would be illogical.”
“And yet, he’s your person.”
There’s a knock on the door. “You good in there, Doe? I can get you something for your stomach if you need,” Antonio says.
I bite back a smile. “I’m fine. I’ll meet you in the kitchen to eat.”
Marcela’s chuckle tempts my eyes to roll to the back of my head.
“Don’t overthink it, Dr. Baby. I wish I had someone who cared about my guts after using his tongue to play with my stomach lining.
Love can be scary when red flags aren’t smacking you in the face.
Trust your instincts. You’ll do what’s right. ”
“For the record, I had no intention of eating your pussy when I came over.”
I snort into my soup. Here I was trying to find a way to break the ice after Antonio had my legs reaching for the ceiling on this very table.
“I wanted to put eyes on you and talk. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”
Oh, you did the opposite, friend.
I adjust my glasses. “It’s…We’re okay.”
He stares, deadpan. “You look like you’re ready to cook oxtails and run to the store for scratch-offs.”
After my call with Marcela, I went to change. I didn’t want any distractions for the conversation we needed to have. A muumuu was appropriate.
My “don’t touch me” outfit did nothing. Antonio is eyeing my ornate display of ruffles like I can get it with a promise to pay all of my bills.
He’s still in the Henley pulling across his chest and loose denim teasing those thighs. Hot and unbothered.
“More rice? Potato salad?”
The deep rasp of his chuckle forces my attention back to my plate. There aren’t enough sides on this table to mark me safe from his stare.
Antonio wipes the mouth he used to lick me clean. “Relax, Doe. I know what to do if I want seconds.”
He means the food.
I clear my throat and spear a bite of potato salad. “How was Seattle?”
“Seattle was good.”
“Oh nice. It must be beautiful. The parks and greenbelts.” I fiddle with one of the plants on the table, courtesy of the man across from me. The breath lodged in my lungs burns with every second that passes.
“Can—”
“I don’t want to lose what we have because our comfort keeps fueling these outbursts,” I say before my nerves take over.
My gaze slides over the spoon hovering inches from Antonio’s lips. “I was going to ask you to pass the potato salad.”
Oh.
“You think what’s happened between us is because of comfort?” His brow raises.
“What other explanation is there? We were fine for years.”
“Because of distractions.” He regards me with a look I haven’t seen before. “You were finishing school. I was entering the league. Don’t you see how special you are to me?”
The weeks apart have been unbearable, but they’re a far better option than the alternative should things crash and burn. Not having Antonio in my life wouldn’t just hurt; it would change the DNA of my future.
He’s the one I went to when I was stressed with school, the one who’d listen to my engineering rants. He’s the person who reminds me there’s more to life than structures and equations.
Marcela is right: He’s my person.
I expel a long breath. “What if you get tired of whatever it is we’re doing?”
Antonio unfolds himself from his chair. He pulls me to my feet and wraps me in his cologne-scented hug.
“We can’t go back. You know it, and so do I,” he soothes, kissing the top of my head.
“If you knew how long I’ve wanted you. You’re the first person I think of when I wake up and my last thought before I go to sleep.
Our friendship is our foundation, not the ceiling.
There is no pressure because it’s us, Doe. ”
His grip tightens against my waist, molding my body to his. No scientific principle will help me make the right decision. My heart has to take the lead.
“Can we take it slow?”
“I’m on your time,” he whispers into my curls. “We go at your pace. No pressure, remember?”
“Just us,” I repeat to release the weight of the what-ifs caving in my chest.
“Miriam, if I have you, I want all of you. Give Dickhead his walking papers before I send a cane to his house.”
A cane?
Antonio’s eyes slide down to mine with an expression that has me cackling.
“You’re serious?” I muffle a laugh.
“I don’t play about you.”
“We went out because he bid on himself so he could take me to dinner. He let me use the Maple King lab after—”
“At night?”
“No sunlight was in the sky,” I confirm, rolling my lips at his scowl. “I’m not the one with the reputation of slinging dick across states. Remind me who should be worried?”
“I haven’t been with another woman since I ran into you at the MLK celebration.” He has the nerve to look offended.
“And Ms. Pon de Replay?” I hike a brow. “You two love putting on for the cameras.”
Whatever fear shifts to a premeditated felony at the thought of Antonio swiping his player card like a Costco membership.
“You’re wild for ‘Pon de Replay.’ She’s not an issue.
” He snickers and shakes his head. If the Rihanna song fits.
“Setting boundaries with Kenya will be easy because I already have. Outside of interviews and the dinner for your sister’s fundraiser, there’s no reason for us to see each other.
I wouldn’t pursue you if I still wanted to fuck other people. ”
“You better set boundaries if you want access to me. ?Qué crees?” I scoff, my lips balled like a fist. “If you think you get to hop around in booty shorts—”
“Booty shorts?” Antonio’s head tips back with a laugh.
“—and hump on whoever while you’re home or away, forget it.”
The Buffalo Steel would need to replace their star flanker. Permanently. Thoughts of sex tapes and secret families in Iowa cloud my vision just to piss me off.
“Doe!” He cackles like his mother wouldn’t iron her favorite suit if he tried it.
“I respect you and what we have too much. No one will come between us, I promise you that. I can’t take back what’s in the past, but I can protect our future.
” He pecks my lips. “I’m already committed to you.
Trust me please. We’ll go at your pace, okay? ”
“Okay,” I say.
My skin prickles at his mouth over mine. The kiss is slow, and he follows it up with one to the bridge of my nose.
His stare lingers. “I have to go.”
“You just got back,” I pout.
“I know.” He sighs. “Kendrick and I have some press lined up in New York City before we join the rest of the team in Chicago.”
Well, damn. I’m losing my man faster than I got him.
“Come lock up.” Antonio steps into his shoes near the back door without lacing them up, then pats his pockets for his keys. When our eyes finally meet, there’s a sadness he masks with a half smile.
“Our schedule is crazy this week, but I’ll call you every chance I get.” He tips up my chin. “I’ll never get tired of you. Not in any scenario.”
Antonio drops a kiss onto my lips before stepping into the winter night.
Are we really doing this?