17. BAILEE
BAILEE
I sat in the hammock strung, my journal open in my lap, pages already half-filled with furious scribbles, my pen digging into the paper like it could carve out the mess of feelings from last night. Embarrassing didn’t even begin to cover it. I’d panic-texted Elissa, told her I was going home, and then bolted from the club. I’d stalked into the rental house, locked my bedroom door, and buried myself under the blanket, hoping the darkness would swallow my shame.
But it hadn’t. Angelo knew Mason and Benji. Of course, he did. The universe had a sick sense of humor, tangling me up with three men who were friends—maybe more. I’d seen the way Mason’s hand settled on the back of Angelo’s neck, casual but intimate, like they shared something I’d stumbled into and ruined.
My pen froze mid-sentence, the ink bleeding into a blotch. Had I fucked it all up? Flirted with Angelo, let Benji eat me out on the beach, Mason fucking me on the kitchen counter, and now what? They probably thought I was some clueless tourist playing games, oblivious to whatever they had going on.
I wrote faster, the words spilling out in jagged bursts.
Angelo’s eyes, soft and worried, like he thought he’d broken me. He looked distraught, like he’d made my night worse, and I can’t stop seeing it. I don’t have their numbers, no missed calls or texts to obsess over, but God, I can’t shake him. Or Benji. Or Mason. What is wrong with me?
My hand cramped, but I kept going, trying to pin down the panic, the want, the fear that I’d misread everything.
My cell vibrated against my hip, ripping me out of my chaos. My journal slid to the side as I scrambled for the phone, heart racing. Phoenix’s name lit up the screen, and I let out a shaky breath, surprised but relieved that it wasn’t Mom or Malia. I swiped to answer. “Hey.”
“Hey, big sis,” Phoenix’s voice came through, carefree, like he was lounging on a campus lawn instead of drowning in finals. “You called and I missed it. Sorry, you know, exams and all.”
I smiled despite myself, his easy warmth loosening the knot in my chest. “Hey. It’s fine.”
“So, how’s the vacation treating you?” he asked. “The family being nice to you?”
“For the most part, I guess.”
Phoenix paused and I could almost see him tilting his head, reading me through the phone. “How are you really doing, Lee? You sound… happy, but not. What’s up?”
I sagged deeper into the hammock, the woven ropes creaking under me. “I’m confused,” I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper.
“You know I know you, right? You’re probably trying to figure out if you’re worth it for something, and you’re telling yourself you probably aren’t or don’t deserve it. Lee, you’re the most beautiful, courageous woman I know.”
I snorted, rolling my eyes even though he couldn’t see. “You’re just saying that. We all know Elissa’s the best of the siblings.”
“Actually, I’m the best, but that’s beside the point,” he shot back, and I could hear his grin. “Lee, what’s going on?”
I sighed, my gaze drifting to the journal, its pages a mess of my spiraling thoughts. “I met these guys,” I started, and Phoenix let out a low whistle, making me huff. “But they all know each other, and I just… it feels like a joke.”
“Did you talk to them?” he asked, direct as always.
“Um…” I bit my lip, guilt twisting in my gut.
“You ran, didn’t you?” Phoenix said, not accusing, just knowing. “Sis, you have no idea what they were thinking, but to be honest, I’d think the same. You won’t know the truth until you ask. If that’s what you want to do.”
“That’s terrifying,” I muttered, wrapping an arm around myself like I could hold the fear at bay.
“Life’s terrifying. Call me later when you’ve figured out what you want, okay? Then you can tell me how pretty the guys you found are and don’t tell me they aren’t pretty. I know your type and they’re usually the ones I’d drool over too.”
That brought a laugh out of me because he wasn’t wrong. I remembered the nights we’d pore over model magazines, both of us picking out the same men we’d marry if we could. “I miss you,” I finally managed to push out.
“Miss you too, Lee.” He blew me a kiss and then hung up, leaving me with his final words.
I didn’t feel like I deserved the happiness that those sweet moments had brought me. That was the problem, though, right? Because I did deserve more than I was giving myself credit for. I just had to figure out what I wanted and take it. Which meant that I needed a shower and then I had to face those men to hear the truth from their own mouths.
Secretly I hoped that this wasn’t a game, that I had somehow caught their attention because for the first time in a while, I felt beautiful beneath someone’s gaze.