Chapter 6 #2
‘It’s fine.’ I shake my head at him, biting back my laugh and enjoying the lightness that returns so easily talking to Sawyer.
Maybe we haven’t completely fallen out of touch like I thought.
‘Gray just wasn’t ready, that’s all. But I wouldn’t change anything.
It brought me and my mom so much closer too—really helped us to deepen our relationship after recovering from everything we went through with my father.
’ My smile softens at the knowledge that my father’s need to control me and my mom didn’t stop us from having a beautiful relationship one day.
‘Besides, Noah’s given me so much more than I ever thought possible.
I know I never got the love I deserved as a child, but I think it’s healed me being able to give it to Noah.
To love him unconditionally. I think it has for my mom too. ’
That’s why we moved here. Because Noah is everything to me—he’s my life’s purpose, and I’ll do whatever it takes to give him the beautiful, loving life he deserves. I can’t have anything getting in the way of that.
‘Yeah, I bet,’ Sawyer responds, but he sounds unconvinced. He takes a long swig from his coffee, then sighs. ‘You had to call him Noah?’
‘I—’ I could’ve called him anything else, but the alter-egos we made up in high school always stuck with me.
The name symbolised freedom, the chance to wield your own path, to chase dreams unapologetically.
I wanted that for my son. I wanted that for myself.
‘I guess I just wanted to name him after someone that inspired me.’
Sawyer mimics tipping his hat to me in thanks, then runs his fingers across his moustache, as if to hide the smile that’s breaking out.
‘I still don’t get why you’d come back here. Ain’t it full of bad memories?’ With a wink, he boldly adds, ‘Aside from me, of course.’
‘Right.’ God, I almost forgot what a cocky cowboy he was.
So sure of himself. ‘I think I knew I’d always come back eventually.
We found out from family that my father left not long after me and my mom did, and …
then he passed a few years back, so it wasn’t like he was here to stop us.
Plus, Noah—he gets so shy, he doesn’t really like talking to anyone besides me, my mom, and his dad—and apparently you now. ’
Sawyer’s laugh rumbles out at that. ‘I’m great, what can I say?’
I have to look away from his compelling smirk, knowing how easily it could draw me in again.
‘He struggled with making friends, which made kindergarten hard for him. He’s only really grown up around me and my mom, and we’re not exactly the most confident or loudest people in the world.
I probably should’ve made more friends with other moms and—’ I cut myself off, trying to remember not to blame myself so much when it’s not like Noah’s dad has made any more effort to help him.
‘Anyway, since he’s so obsessed with anything western and the small town, cowboy vibes, for some reason, I thought maybe bringing him somewhere like Willow Ridge would be good.
A fresh start. To make some better memories. ’
‘Plant some flowers in the darkness,’ Sawyer mumbles under his breath, though I’m not sure what he means.
Then, I add, ‘Besides, you’re here still.’
‘Yeah, not by choice.’ He lifts his cast leg out from under the table. ‘Stuck at the ranch.’
‘Not … with your dad?’
‘’S’okay, I’m a grown man now—’
My heartrate kicks up. ‘You were basically a grown man at seventeen but that never stopped him.’
‘Blue.’ His eyes marry mine and his hands edge forward but never reach me. Never graze my fingers like I want them to. ‘It’s fine. It’s just me there. My dad’s—he’s dead.’
My fingers flex out towards his. ‘Oh, Sawyer. Are you okay?’
‘I’m … indifferent,’ he states, voice devoid of emotion.
But the dragging of his gaze from mine suggests something.
Guilt, maybe. ‘I didn’t feel a thing when I got a call that he was in hospital.
That his alcoholism had finally caught up to him and that he only had a few days left.
Were you sad when you found out about your dad passing? ’
His eyes search mine, and I wonder who he’s had to talk to all this time, since he didn’t have me to keep his truth safe like he once did.
‘I … I was upset when I heard, but not because it meant I’d never see him again—I didn’t want to ever see him again. I think I was mourning the father I never had.’
Something in him softens as he considers such. ‘Do you ever feel … relieved?’
I nod lightly. It’s been a subject of many therapy sessions—to come to terms with the fact that it’s okay to feel some positive emotions from my dad’s passing. ‘That I was done hiding, yes.’
He relaxes into a smile then, and I know it’s what he needed to hear. ‘Fuck, it’s good to see you, Blue.’
‘It’s good to be back.’ My own grin is coaxed out, and his eyes brighten almost instantly, dipping straight to my mouth. My heart flutters in response, and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t missed him.
His tongue darts out over his bottom lip as his smile slinks into something more crooked. ‘You know, maybe we should do this again. Properly. Go for a drink or something one ni—’
‘Stalking me much?’ A waitress with long red hair appears at our table beside me, facing Sawyer.
His eyes flash at her, smirk staying put. ‘Oh, hey, Bri.’
‘Thought you’d had enough of me on Friday night,’ she teases. Sawyer just clears his throat, forcing her to follow his eyes to me. ‘Oh, crap, sorry. Didn’t realise you had company. Hi, I’m Briar.’
When I get a better look at her face I instantly recognise her as a girl who was in our homeroom, though she’s given up her goth phase and had a full blown glow-up.
She’s stunning, and clearly Sawyer thinks so too if he spent the other night with her.
It’s a rush of cold water over me, but a needed warning about who he is, the erratic world he lives in.
That I can’t get swept up by him again. Not if I want to carry on with my stable life.
That’s all that matters right now. For Noah.
I politely smile. ‘I know, we went to school together.’
Briar furrows her brow, probably because I did my best to make myself as immemorable as possible. ‘We did? Oh … Oh! Honey Goldman? I almost didn’t recognise you.’
Sawyer brushes his fingers against her arm in a way that has my skin crawling even though it shouldn’t. ‘Bri, I’ll catch you later, yeah?’
Briar flicks her gaze between us before saying, ‘Oh, sure. Nice to see you, Honey.’ Then she carries on to the back of the café.
Sawyer starts, ‘Sorry about that. Anyway, I was asking—’
‘Sawyer,’ I interrupt, for both of our sakes.
‘I don’t think that would be a good idea.
I’m not like the other women you probably see.
I’m a mom. I go to bed at like nine o’clock, sometimes earlier, and my apartment is filled with toys.
My life revolves around Noah, and I don’t want anything getting in the way of that. ’
He shuts his mouth instantly and nods.
‘But I’d really like to be friends. I mean, we were good friends before, right?’
‘Sure.’ An unconvincing smile follows, eyes dimming.
‘I should, um, get going.’ I grab my purse from the floor. ‘Thank you, for the coffee, and the flowers. Do you need a ride home?’
Sawyer checks over his shoulder to the kiosk, where Briar happens to be. ‘’S’all good. I can make my own way home. I’m gonna stick around for a bit.’
Message received.
Still, I admit, ‘It really was good to see you, Sawyer.’
‘You too, Blue.’
And with that, I walk out on Sawyer again.
Sometimes I wonder if there was a blip in the universe back in senior year—an anomaly that had our paths crossing when they were never destined to.
It makes sense when things ended how they did.
We just weren’t meant to be, and the world threw what it could at us to prove it.