Chapter 30
Honey
‘I don’t think I can do this,’ I whine two weeks later, peeking out of Duke’s office door at the bar to gauge how many people are here tonight.
To hear me play—something Sawyer organised with Duke so I could have the chance to sing at the bar.
Just like Georgia Hart used to do in the stories I wrote when I was seventeen.
And, of course, the bar is absolutely packed. It’s a Friday night—I don’t know why I expected any different.
I used to sing in front of the whole high school when I was in the choir, and Duke’s bar currently holds nowhere near as many people as that, but I haven’t performed for anyone more than Noah, and Sawyer now, since I left college.
Even in college I rarely played or sang outside of my dorm, and when I became a mom, the dreams of maybe one day following in Georgia Hart’s footsteps and performing live had to take a step back.
But now the opportunity awaits me and nerves pound inside my chest like hoofbeats.
Still, there’s a buzzing beneath my skin, my body eager to get out there and sing songs about heartbreak and new love by country classics.
To rewrite my story in Willow Ridge and have people know me for what I’m truly passionate about, not the person I had to convince them I was for my own protection.
‘You’re gonna be amazing, Blue. Don’t worry,’ Sawyer attempts to reassure me.
‘Sawyer’s right, sweetie,’ my mom chimes in next, Noah’s hand in hers as they wish me luck for the final time.
She’s all misty-eyed, blinking back the tears as she chokes out, ‘And I’m so proud of you.
Seeing you finally get the chance to thrive.
I always wish I could’ve given you this when you were younger. ’
‘Mom,’ I groan as I pull her into my arms. ‘You’re gonna make me cry. You’ve done so much for me since we left—coming back with me, I’ll forever be grateful.’
She kisses me on the cheek, sniffling and nodding before composing herself and letting me give Noah one last hug, then they’re out, finding their seats in the bar. Leaving just Sawyer and me.
‘I promise it’s gonna be fine. And even if it’s not,’ Sawyer’s wolfish grin spreads out then as his eyes rake over the zip-up denim dress that hugs my curves, ‘your tits look phenomenal in this dress, so people will be cheering regardless.’
I can’t stop the way my eyes roll at his crudeness, but it has my smile breaking out just as quickly. My cheeks heating with so many recent memories of him showing me exactly how phenomenal he thinks my chest is every night this last week.
It’s a good distraction for a few seconds, until my eyes flick up to the clock and I’m tensing again knowing I only have a couple of minutes before I’m supposed to start.
Sawyer follows my eyeline, then slides his hands up into my hair to cradle my head. ‘I’ll see you out there, yeah?’
‘Mhm,’ I nod, saving my voice, but also because I know it’ll be wobbly with nerves.
He kisses me then—unexpectedly, deeply, fervently.
The kind of kiss that instantly has my body turning to putty in his hands with each lash of his tongue against mine.
From the way his soft moustache brushes against my lips.
For the briefest moment, it’s just me and him, no outside world, and it’s perfect.
With a gravelly groan, he pulls away, resting his forehead against mine. ‘I’d say break a leg, but from personal experience, I wouldn’t wish that even as a saying—so knock ’em dead instead, Blue.’
He winks, eventually letting go of me to leave as I chuckle at his words, but not without tipping the cowboy hat he’s wearing to me before the door closes behind him.
And then it’s time.
I take a deep breath, the thought of Sawyer in the crowd the only thing calming me as I head out into the bar.
My eyes stay glued to the floor, trying not to make too much of an entrance as I head towards the stool at the back of the dancefloor, a microphone perched in front of it.
The weight of heads turning my way and conversations ending as the music cuts out has my hands clenching around my guitar—a gorgeous new acoustic one Sawyer bought me last week because he has no self-control when it comes to spoiling Noah and me.
I chance a look up—to find Sawyer amongst the crowd for one last shot of confidence.
And when I find him, Noah on his lap, both of their eyes glistening under the glow of the neon signs with so much pride at me, I decide I can do this. If anything, just for them. For the family I want so badly.
All Sawyer’s friends are in the booth with him, Noah, and my mom too—Rory, her friend Fliss, Duke, Wolfman, Wyatt and his little sister Cherry who has long black hair and tan skin.
When I catch Rory’s eyes, she throws two thumbs up to me and mouths, you’re gonna smash it, courage sparkling through me at her support.
I hold my head up high and take a seat, keeping my gaze on a spot on the wall through the crowd, avoiding anyone’s eyes, just like I used to do when I performed in the choir.
I don’t bother introducing myself, and just start strumming, the first notes of Dylan Gossett’s ‘Tree Birds’, one of my favourite songs.
It’s an upbeat romper that has the crowd instantly buzzing, a song of freedom and love.
I’m not even halfway through the next song when Sawyer’s climbing out of the booth with Noah and they make their way to the dancefloor, several other people in the bar joining them, including Rory and Cherry.
I almost falter, my fingers struggling on the strings for split second, as they all begin to dance, Noah seeming completely unbothered by the crowds because all his attention is on the cowboy holding his hands.
The cowboy who could never be tamed but now dances with my six-year-old son in front of the whole town, unashamed.
I’d recognise the glowing shine in Noah’s eyes anywhere—I think he might be falling for Sawyer as quickly as I am.
Especially when Sawyer starts teaching him some line dance sequence that Noah picks up quickly, his little giggles pouring out with such ease my heart aches with pride.
Not just at my boy who lets himself shine so much brighter these days, but at the loving man who is one of the main reasons.
The male role model I always wanted for Noah—one who’s strong, yes, but who isn’t afraid to love unapologetically.
The sight of them only spurs me on to put my all into my songs.
I run through more covers—some old school Dolly Parton and Patsy Cline, as well as some Zach Top and Kelsea Ballerini.
All the while, more people join the dancefloor, boots scuffing against the floor as they all rock to the music and spin each other around.
But I’ve saved the best song until last—one to show Sawyer how much him organising this means to me. How much him trying so hard with Noah means to me too.
When I start, I make sure my eyes are completely locked on him.
Seeing the recognition flash on his face, memories sparking in his eyes, as soon as I begin the song—‘Again’ by Brooks & Dunn—the song flows from me effortlessly.
Almost as effortlessly as it felt to dance in his arms in his truck bed to this same song that fated prom night.
The night he showed me I could choose my path, could find the courage to make my own decisions.
There was a part of me once that truly believed I’d had my only chance at love.
That maybe I’d never seriously experience it, too traumatised from my upbringing, from not understanding how love really works.
I was almost certain that what I felt for Sawyer when I was eighteen couldn’t have possibly been love—how was I to know?
The only other time I’ve really felt true love was for Noah, but that was different—that was a fierce desire to protect, a connection with my child who was once part of me.
Even with Gray, I’m not sure I was ever in love with him.
It was always surface level, I just tried to convince myself that what I had with Sawyer was a fluke, that real love was never that intense, and I was content with that.
Intensity hadn’t always been good in my life, anyway.
But then I bumped into Sawyer at the rodeo, and it all came flooding back.
I knew then that only something as strong as love could’ve branded me so deeply.
Could’ve marked my soul with the memory of his embrace so profoundly that it’d strike me like lightning as soon as I saw him again.
And every day since, it’s pulsed inside of me.
Made my heart ache at what could’ve been, what it still wanted too badly, what it knew was made for it even if the universe thought otherwise.
It made me want to break the rules, to find the strength to fight against whatever fate had used to keep us apart.
And maybe it’s silly to sing of love when we’re only a month or so into rekindling the spark I put out almost a decade ago. But it burns so brightly now, and I can’t ignore it anymore.
Especially when he picks up Noah while the rest of the dancers find partners, and he sways my son in his arms to the song. Noah’s head rests on Sawyer’s shoulder, his fingers clutching onto his shirt while the sweetest smile spreads through his rosy cheeks. He looks so content.
I decide then that we should tell Noah soon—that I want him to be a part of the love that blossoms between Sawyer and me. Maybe after Christmas. Gray will be staying for a few days and maybe we can explain then, so at least he’s met Sawyer.
Smiles and warmth and love fill the dance floor, bodies flooded with red light from the neon signs and lit up from the sparkling fairy lights in the rafters above.
An ache rests in my bones with the wish to be there in the centre with Sawyer and Noah, to feel the safety of Sawyer’s embrace as he rocks us side to side.
But for now, I’ll sing my heart out to him and show him that I never forgot how he saved me that night.
After finishing my gig and receiving the loudest round of applause, I spend the rest of the night with Sawyer and his friends in their booth.
My mom takes Noah home so we can stay out longer.
Sawyer’s arm is tucked around me the whole time, making no effort to pretend we’re just friends like we said we would.
But I secretly love it. Love the way he claims me as soon as I sit down, fingers toying with my hair and dress whenever he can.
Like his life depends upon being able to touch me.
We stay until the bar closes, Rory asking me questions all night like was Wyatt really as cool as he thinks he was in high school and who was the hottest in high school which has Sawyer squeezing my thigh when I say someone other than him. I feed his ego enough already.
It’s easy and open and full of laughter.
A glimpse into the kind of future I could carve for myself here.
It reassures me too, that when Sawyer inevitably gets back to bull riding, I’ll have people here who care about me, who have made so much effort tonight to include me in conversations. That maybe, just maybe, it could work.
‘Wait, Blue.’ Sawyer tugs on my hand as we head towards his truck, parked around the back of the bar.
We were the last to leave and he guides me around the truck, positioning me in front of it.
There’s almost a giddiness that vibrates off him as he then scurries back to the driver’s side door.
He yanks it open and dives inside, fiddling about while I stand in the cold empty parking lot, rubbing my arms to warm up a little.
Then the headlights flash on and I’m momentarily blinded, throwing a hand up to cover my eyes from the spotlight suddenly on me. That’s when the music starts.
‘Again’ by Brooks & Dunn.
‘Tell me it wasn’t a coincidence,’ he begs.
‘I sang it for you,’ I admit, frozen in the headlights as he walks over, boots—one cowboy boot, the other his medical boot—scraping against the gravelly parking lot floor.
His chest sinks at that, eyes softening at me as he steps into the headlights, their buttery glow lining him in an angelic way.
I know he always sees himself as scarred, too easily swayed by the devil on his shoulder, but if he could only see himself the way I do—he’d see that he’s just as much a saviour.
‘I wanted to dance with you so badly earlier, Blue.’ Sawyer unfurls his arm, strong hand outstretched and waiting. It’s the easiest decision to slide mine into his. To let him pull me close to him, as his other hand finds the small of my back, fingers splaying out possessively.
He dips his head, moustache tickling my ear as he whispers, ‘Show everyone how lucky I am to hold someone as golden as you in my arms.’
My heart squeezes, my stomach fluttering at his words. At the devotion shining in his eyes as he gazes down at me, all the while rocking me in a gentle slow dance. I’m oblivious to the cold of the December night in the warmth of his embrace.
‘You make me believe, Blue,’ he rasps, fingers pulsing against my back. His eyes roam over my face. ‘That maybe I can love one day.’
His words have me sinking deeper into him, resting my head against his chest, listening to his steady heart as the headlights warm us. Sawyer leans his chin on the top of my head, holding me in a way that can only be described as worshipful.
‘I believe in you too, Sawyer.’
I wonder what the stars think as they watch us dance.
Did they know back in his truck bed all those years ago that we’d be torn apart?
Did they twinkle above us unfettered because they also knew we’d find our way back to each other eventually?
That they kept our secret knowing our fates would always be intertwined, and they’d watch us dance in the silence of the night once again.