Chapter 22 #2
My stomach lurches. For a split second, I start to wonder whether maybe he misunderstood last night. We agreed this was just casual, right? I begin to nervously run the conversation through my head, staring down at my feet.
“Hey.” He moves, pulling on a pair of boxers before walking over to me and taking my hands in his. “Stop freaking out. We’re good, remember? We talked it all through last night.”
“Right. Yes. And we’re on the same page. About all of it? About us taking things easy?”
“Yeah, absolutely.”
“Okay, good.”
He leans down and presses a kiss to my lips, then another, before pulling away with a groan.
“I hate that you have to leave.” He drops my hands and walks over to one of two dressers below the window and pulls out a pair of grey sweatpants.
“Here you go. Be careful of them slipping off or something. They might be too big.”
I scoff. “That’s cute of you to say, but we both know I have humongous hips.” I take the sweats from him, placing my clothes atop a chair while I change.
“Jesus, why are you so mean to yourself?”
His words almost make me fall as I balance on one foot while I pull my sweats on the other. “What?”
“You’re always making mean comments about your body. Why? So you’re not influencer thin. Who gives a shit? You’re fucking gorgeous.”
“I—”
As if to prove a point, he walks over to me and runs his hands up and down my sides, cupping my bare ass as I officially drop the sweats and give up on my task.
“I love your body.” His eyes darken with need as his lips come down hard on me, demanding, punishing, telling me off for not appreciating myself and owning up to the curves he’s shown me over and over again he so loves.
My hands lock in Knox’s hair, body pressed up against his.
It only takes a second for our bodies to kick into action.
I feel his heart beat as quickly and as hard as mine, his breathing coming in just as ragged and choppy.
And when one of his hands drags down my body, curving down my ass and squeezing it before moving down my thigh and hooking my leg over his hip, I feel his hardness against my stomach.
The heat builds between my legs, wanting more than just his kiss and touch, but Knox pulls away all too soon.
“You’re beautiful, and if I could, I’d fuck you every second of every minute of every hour of every goddamn day.
” I exhale unsteadily, trying to settle my breathing as his gaze locks on mine.
The fire in his eyes dims slightly, cupping my face in his hands in that tender, loving way of his.
“You’re beautiful and smart and funny.” A quick kiss.
“And I can’t thank the universe enough for ever leading me to you—especially given the circumstances.
You are perfect, Carlota Veracruz. I just wish you’d believe it too. ”
I’m barely able to push out a, “Thank you,” grasping his biceps, trying hard not to collapse.
“Plus,” he continues, his expression losing some of its intensity, the corners of his lips quirking up. “Men love wider hips.”
“Do they?” I smirk.
“Oh, one hundred percent. It’s a whole biological thing. Ingrained in our nature, you know?”
“What are you talking about?” I laugh, shaking my head, recovering from the way his lopsided smile and words almost brought me to my knees.
“Wide hips are better for child bearing. Easier deliveries, you know. That’s why straight men like big butts and hips stuff. It comes from some primal instinct to reproduce.”
Suddenly, all the air is sucked out of my lungs, my body paralyzed. I know it was a joke, but…
I can’t hear Knox as he talks, laughing about something while he pulls a shirt over his bare chest. I turn around, my back to him while I try to regulate my breathing.
In a sort of trance, I pull the sweatpants over my legs, pick my clothes, shoes, e-reader, and purse from the chair where I left them, and say,
“Okay, well, I guess I’ll see you later.”
From the look on his face, he was in the middle of a thought, my sudden change in demeanor disorienting. “You don’t even want me to drive you?”
“Oh. I… I can walk.”
Knox’s face falls. “Are you serious? You’d rather walk in heels and sweatpants all the way home than be in a truck with me right now? Is this because of the kids comment?”
“I—”
“Jesus, I thought we went over this. I get it, we’re taking it easy.
No one’s talking about a long-term commitment right now.
” It’s the right now that’s making it really difficult not to run for the hills.
“I promise I’m not getting down on one knee after a night with you, okay?
I really like you, Lottie, but gotta give me a little credit.
I’m not an idiot.” He huffs and walks over to his dresser, pulling out a pair of jeans and a sweater.
After he dresses, he drives me back home, the entire car ride enveloped in silence. When he parks outside my house, I don’t immediately get out of the car, choosing instead to measure my words before I speak them aloud:
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me,” I lie.
“I guess I’m still getting used to this thing.
You and I haven’t really been a slow progression, you know?
We went from meeting one night, jumping into bed together, to not seeing each other, to having you pursue me, only for me to fold after just a couple of weeks.
” I turn to look at him, but his eyes are straight ahead, lips pressed together.
“Though we agreed that this was going to be a chill, easy… thing, it’s the first time since my divorce that I’ve wanted to be exclusive with someone.
That I’ve had the guts to do it. This isn’t easy for me.
And I know it sounds like an excuse, but it isn’t. ”
I want to tell him the whole truth—I truly do—but the thought of him knowing every bit of it makes me feel too vulnerable to handle.
I don’t want him to look at me the way people do when they find out I can’t have kids.
It would kill me to see the pity in his eyes.
Or worse, to have him look at me like less of a woman, or something broken to be repaired just like Finn did.
I spent too many years beating myself up about something I couldn’t control, blaming my body and hating it every time I looked at myself in the mirror.
I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want him to start asking questions.
I don’t want him to say stupid shit like “Have you considered adoption? What about IVF?” Because that’s what people do when they find out.
They ask you to elaborate on the most personal thing ever, thinking they’re going to end up helping you solve the issue that is your fertility as if you haven’t explored every single option out there for you.
“I like you,” I sigh, looking down at my hands.
“I like you a lot. More than I ever expected I would. But you and I? This thing? It scares me a lot. And if we’re going to do this, just know that I’m trying my best. But I’m gonna have freak outs, okay?
And if that’s too much for you to handle, I totally get it.
I come with a lot of baggage.” More than you know.
“So it will be no hard feelings if you decide not to do this with me anymore.”
Knox’s hands tighten on the wheel, pressing himself back into the seat with a deep sigh.
“I can be more understanding. I’m sorry if I haven’t been.
I’m just impatient, I guess. I like you a lot, too.
Obviously. But I hate it when you shut me out.
” He takes a deep breath, unbuckles his seatbelt, and turns to look me straight in the eye.
He reaches out to cup my face in his hands and kisses my forehead like he did this morning.
“I’ll do my best to calm down, to stop being so needy. ”
I smile, grabbing his hand by the wrist, and turning my face to kiss the palm of his hand.
“And I’ll do my best to be as open and honest with you as possible.”
“Okay, then.” His crooked smile makes an appearance before ducking to kiss me again, this time on the lips. “Now, you better go upstairs and get dressed quickly. I’ll wait here until you’re ready and will give you a ride back to work.”
“What? No. I need to shower, too. It’ll take me at least twenty minutes if I hurry. If you’re going to stay, just come upstairs.”
“Nope. Can’t do that, sorry. Gonna stay in the car.”
“What? Why?”
“Because if I go up those stairs with you into your apartment, we won’t make it out of there until dinner. Seeing you in my clothes, sex-haired…” He shakes his head. “I can’t. So, get a move on, will you?”
With a smile, I kiss Knox on the cheek and open the door.
“Wait! Can you leave your e-reader with me? There’s this chapter I want to finish…”
Laughing, I toss it in his lap and run upstairs.