Chapter 39 Lottie
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
LOTTIE
I used to feel like I was born for this city.
Like maybe someone made a mistake and the universe somehow dumped me in a small coastal town in Maine on accident.
It was the stork’s fault—they were disoriented.
Then the devastation I felt when I had to leave the city only seemed to reinforce this idea in my mind that I belonged there.
That I craved those special New York moments—you know the ones.
That I needed the hustle and bustle of all five boroughs (yes, even Staten Island), each one, special in its own way.
And they are. They are all amazing. But I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve changed too much.
Whether I no longer feel the same passion for the industry I used to work in.
Whether I’m just… over it. Or if it’s something more.
Is it what I’ve left behind that’s making me feel unsettled? Is it Knox? My family? Or is it both?
“So where are we with factories, then?” Madison stabs a big helping of her salad and shoves it in her mouth.
God, I had forgotten all about the damn massive salads for lunch. I hate them.
“I spoke to the one in Florence. I think we should steer clear of Spain, since they basically shut down all of August. I mean, Italians take the summer off too, but I feel like they’re better at keeping business going.”
“Amazing. God, this is going to be so great. I can’t wait.”
Madison is two seconds away from detonating from excitement. Meanwhile, I keep waiting for the rush of satisfaction to course through me. For that intense shot of adrenaline I get whenever things seem to fall in place the way I felt during the reno, or even before in my last job.
But nothing. I get nothing. It’s been a month, and still nothing.
I don’t understand. I’m doing something bigger than I ever did—a dream job.
I’m living rent-free in New York City—unheard of.
And I have fantastic business partners in Madison and in Lucy, who turned out to be exactly as described: sweet and incredibly talented.
And yet I feel unfulfilled and so fucking lonely.
I miss my family so much, it’s almost embarrassing.
And Knox? Sometimes I can’t breathe when I think about him or the way we left things.
The most surprising bit of it all? I miss Ceres Cove, too. I miss the stupid small town gossip. The way everyone knows everyone. And the bookstore. I miss working there and all the fun I had renovating it.
Deep down, I’m devastated by the sale. It happened quickly, the money having come through just last week.
But it isn’t just the fact that it’s gone, that my final connection to Knox has been severed.
It’s also the fact that I won’t be there to see who is replacing Walter’s spot.
I didn’t know the buyer, so the thought of giving up this piece of my town to a complete stranger who could be taking away its charm…
God, what if they put in a national chain or something?
I shiver.
“You okay?” Madison breaks through my doomsday musings, shooting me a look.
No, I want to say. No, I’m not okay. Because I’m currently going through one of the worst endo flare-ups I’ve ever had, missing home and my family and Knox so much I can hardly breathe.
I’m not okay because I have everything I asked for and more, and yet I’m still not happy.
If possible, I’m even more miserable than I was six months ago.
Because I found something that made me happy and someone who made me happy.
And I traded them both in for this idea I had in my head of what success and true fulfillment were.
I’m kind of miserable.
I try to keep a handle on my emotions. I really do. When I open my mouth to reply, it’s just to feed her an excuse. But... Before I know it, the words are out of my mouth: “Mads, this isn’t for me anymore.”
“What isn’t for you anymore?”
“This life. New York. This job. I… I am so sorry. I’ll help you find and train someone else, if you’d like. And I am so thankful you let me stay with you all this time. But… I can’t, Mads. I am so unhappy.”
“Lottie… Are you serious?”
“I need to go home.”
If you’ve spent some time in New York City, I’m sure you’ve probably seen some crazy things. So two women hugging on a park bench while one of them sobs into the other’s neck?
Not really something that would alarm anyone in the vicinity. That’s the thing about New York. You can be having a major emotional breakdown in public, but feel so isolated from everyone, you may as well be alone in your room.
To her credit, Madison never once gets upset with me.
She holds me through my entire verbal diarrhea as I tell her all about Knox and the town, my family and the bookstore.
She asks questions about why I loved working there so much.
She makes comments when my face lights up and holds me tightly when I cry harder.
“…And it’s just ridiculous, because all this time I’ve been working towards getting back to exactly where I am now. But now that I’m here… God, I’ve never felt more lost.”
“What made you want to leave Ceres Cove to begin with?”
“Initially, it just felt like there was nothing there for me. But maybe I just wasn’t looking hard enough.
Because my family is there and… I don’t know.
I guess, in all honesty, I only started feeling at home when I started working on the bookstore renovations and sale.
It gave me purpose. And it felt good to be making something better.
In a way, I knew I was giving back to the town as well as riding the high of being good at my job. ”
“Hmm. Honestly, Lottie, I don’t know how you haven’t realized what you need to do by now.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re obviously not happy here.
And it sounds like what actually made you happy wasn’t just your boyfriend.
It sounds like it was being part of something bigger that brought joy to your life.
And while this job, starting this company, is about being involved in something bigger…
It certainly isn’t the same. I think with the bookstore you got to give back to your community.
The work brought you back to life, but it was the people and the bookstore itself that made you connect to your town and to yourself. ”
I bite my lower lip and look around Washington Square Park, processing Madison’s words. I love this New York. I really do. But it’s not a part of my present anymore. It’s a chapter in my life that belongs in the past.
“You know, while doing the reno, I kept wondering what kind of business would take its place. And I’d be filled with so many ideas.
So many ways I could make the town better, bring more things to it to make it feel more complete and independent from the outside world.
And… it kind of kills me to not be part of that, you know? ”
“So why not go and be a part of it, then?”
“How?”
“I can’t answer that question for you, Lottie. To quote the great Taylor Swift, ‘You’re on your own, kid.’”
I snort and wipe my nose with the back of my hand.
“I have an idea. But it’s buck wild and… and I’m gonna need people’s help.”
“It’s more than okay to ask for people’s help. That’s how you learn. That’s how you taught me everything I know.”
I laugh, and it comes out a little wet, a little sniffly. “I could make a lot of people really happy. I could make them feel safe, too.”
“What about you, though? Will it make you feel happy and safe? Because that’s what matters.”
I take a deep breath and pause, running through the different ideas I’d been flirting with for months, now. As if by some exterior force, they begin to piece themselves together, materializing into something greater in my head. A concrete plan.
“Yeah. Yeah, I think it will. I just need to make a call.”