1. Payton
CHAPTER 1
Payton
NINE MONTHS LATER
“ P ayton!” Dahlia yells, and I groan, what does she want now?
The past nine months have been difficult, we’re all still trying to come to terms with our parents dying. Sebastian loves it here in Portland, he’s made loads of friends. He misses our parents terribly, as do we all, but he’s the one that’s managed to adjust the quickest. Tyler found it hard to adjust at first, but now, he’s happy here. Mary was the same, she made friends easily and decided that she too, loves Portland. I, on the other hand, hate it here. I miss home, I miss Silas, and I miss my friends. I want nothing more than to return home, but that’s never going to happen.
“What?” I yell back and send Silas a text message.
Things between us have been hard, a lot harder than I thought. He’s finally moved to Seattle and is doing what he always dreamed of. He’s loving his life and having fun. This is all that he’s ever wanted. We haven’t had a video call in a few weeks, and whenever we text, the replies come hours later. I feel as though we’re slowly drifting apart.
He was accepted to the University of Washington on a football scholarship as a wide receiver, and I’m so proud of him. He’s made the starting line up a few times already, mainly when one of the other players are injured, but he’s proven himself each time he’s taken to the field. Soon, he’s going to be a first team starter for sure, and when he does, I’ll be cheering him on just as I do now.
“Can you please come down here?” she asks, her tone resigned. I have probably been the hardest on her since we’ve come to live with her. I don’t mean to, it’s just that I hate it here. I don’t belong here, and it doesn’t feel like home.
I’m not a brat, I do things when she asks, even if it’s grudgingly. I know she took on a lot when she took the four of us in. I work hard at school, my grades are good; I’ve actually got them higher since I’ve moved here. I guess not having anyone to talk to has helped. I do all my chores without complaint, I watch my siblings whenever she’s working, but besides that, I don’t interact with her.
I get to my feet, wishing she’d just leave me alone. Tomorrow is my birthday and all I want is to see Silas, but Dahlia has made it clear that it won’t be happening. She won’t let me go alone and she can’t get a sitter for the kids.
She’s sitting at the kitchen island, her laptop opened up in front of her, a cup of coffee in her hand. She must hear my footsteps because she looks at me when I come into the kitchen. “Do you want a cup?” she asks, and I shake my head.
She sighs, “Payton, do you hate me?”
I’m stunned, does she really think that? “No.”
She glances down at her laptop screen before looking back up at me, and I realize it’s because she’s on the verge of tears.
“I know that I’ll never take the place of your mother, and I don’t want to,” she whispers, and my stomach clenches at the mention of my mom. “But I love you, Pay, I always have.”
I swallow past the lump in my throat. “I know.”
She shakes her head, “Something is going on, Pay, and I’m seriously worried about you.”
“I’m fine.” I respond quickly.
“No, you’re not, you’re far from fine,” she tells me as she puts her coffee mug down. “You don’t eat very much, you’ve lost a lot of weight.”
I was never fat, just a little chubby. I’ve lost all the extra weight I had, but she’s right, I don’t really eat. I can’t stomach the thought of food.
“You don’t interact with your brothers and sisters anymore. You don’t spend anytime downstairs unless it’s absolutely necessary. I’m worried,” she tells me again, this time, a lone tear falls from her eye, and I watch as it cascades down her face toward her chin.
“I know, but I’m fine.”
She shakes her head, “I don’t think you are. You’re depressed, Pay.”
I look down at my hands, “I miss him.”
“Oh, baby, I know you do. I was planning on giving you these tonight, but I thought it may cheer you up now.” She smiles as she hands me some papers.
I leaf through them, my eyes widening as I realize just what she’s handed me. Confirmation of a hotel booking in Seattle. “Really?” I whisper, afraid that it may be a joke.
She nods. “Really, I had always planned on this being your present, but I wanted to keep it a surprise. We’re leaving in the morning and staying for two nights. Bethan is going to stay here with the kids.”
I look at her in shock, she has this planned out. This is the best gift I could have asked for. “Thank you.” I smile at her. The first time since I left Grand Folks, I give her a genuine smile.
She returns my smile and more tears fall from her eyes. “For you, I’d do anything Pay, just as I would with the others. You’re my family. The only ones I have left. I just want you all to be happy.”
I’ve been awful to her, and I shouldn’t have. She never asked to be our guardian, especially to four kids that vary in age. She’s taken on a lot, and I’ve been a bitch.
“Will Bethan be okay?” Bethan is Dahlia’s best friend. She's nice, and we all like her.
Dahlia nods, “She’ll be fine, she’s excited to do it, something about a movie night.” I laugh, the only movies that we watch are Disney. “Are you going to tell Silas that you’re coming or are you going to surprise him?”
“I’m going to surprise him,” I tell her. I can just imagine his face lighting up when he sees me, it’s been too long. He's going to be ecstatic, just as I am.
"Just promise me that if you still feel the way you have been, that you tell me. I need you to be open with me, Pay. I need us to have a relationship where we can be open and honest with each other. This won't work otherwise. I'm going to worry about you, I'm going to love you, and I'm always going to be here for you," she says softly. Her words are heartfelt, and I'm willing myself not to cry. "I'm not your mom, no one will ever be able to replace her, but I want you to know that I love you as though you're my daughter."
The tears trickled down my face; she's got me choked up. "Since we've been here I've been lost, I haven't found my way. I feel as though I don't belong," I tell her, and it feels good to finally be honest. "Everyone else managed to settle in and find their place here. That's not happened to me. Dahlia, you helped them with their transition, you showed them love and cherished them."
Her tears fall faster; she reaches across the island and takes my hand, grasping it between hers. Her fingers icy cold, and I know it's because of my words.
"I know that if I opened my eyes, I would have realized that you had done the same for me. I had just closed myself off. I didn't want any love or affection from you, and that's because I feel as though if I give it to you, I'll forget Mom and Dad," I continue. It’s as though I’ve opened a floodgate, and everything is spilling out of me.
“You’ve lost so much at such a young age. You and Mary are at the age where it affects you more because you understand it fully,” she tells me, her fingers squeezing mine. “Just don’t keep bottling everything up.”
“I’ll try,” I tell her. “Thank you for tomorrow.”
She smiles at me, “I’m just happy that I was able to put a smile on your face. Maybe now, you’ll be happy here?”
I don’t think that will happen. I have my heart set on being with Silas. I won’t be happy until that happens. “Maybe,” I tell her, unable to tell her the truth. I don’t want to break her heart.
I see the hurt flash through her eyes, and I realize that she didn’t believe my words. I don’t blame her, I wouldn’t either. “What would you like for dinner?” she asks, changing the subject as she pulls her hands away from mine.
I grin, “Pizza?” It’s been a while since we’ve had one. Dahlia makes sure that we all eat healthy, home cooked meals each and every night. Even if she has to work all day, she’ll get her crock-pot out and have it ready for when we’re all home. We don’t eat alone. Ever. We eat at the table together. She’s making us a family, and I appreciate it. She’s giving Mary, Tyler, and Sebastian a home again. I know they all feel secure here, and that’s all that I could have wanted.
She rolls her eyes, “Why am I not surprised?” She laughs softly. She glances at the door when Sebastian lets out a loud screech, and I watch as he runs after Tyler. “Pay, I was wondering about something,” Dahlia says, and I tense at the sudden change in her tone.
“What?” I’m on edge, waiting for her to say whatever’s on her mind.
She bites her lip, and I watch how nervous she is. “I want to get something for you all to have so that you can remember your parents.”
I frown, remember our parents? That’s something that we’ll always do.
She shakes her head, “I’m not saying this right. My parents are buried here, I’m able to go and visit them whenever I want. You can’t do that. I was thinking about planting a tree or something, maybe having a bench that you and the others could go to whenever you needed to talk to them, or just sit with them and reflect.”
I nod, “That’s actually a really lovely idea. Can we do both the tree and bench?”
I watch as she releases a breath, her entire body deflating. “How about two trees, either side of the bench?”
“Perfect.” It’ll be like having mom and dad on each side of us. “We’ll all help plant them.”
“We’ll do it when we come home from Seattle,” she says as she closes the laptop lid. “I’ll order the pizzas, why don’t you pack for tomorrow?”
I grin, unable to contain my excitement. “Will do,” I say as I rush out of the kitchen and up the stairs.
Once I’m in my room, I lie on my bed and grab my cell, I see that I have a missed call and a text from Silas. I open up the message and read it.
Silas: Hey, baby, I just called because I wanted to hear your voice. I’m going in for a meeting now, I’ll talk to you later. Love you.
Damn, I missed him. I quickly fire off a reply.
Me: Sorry I missed you, I was talking with Dahlia. My cell was on my bed. I miss you. Love you.
Once I’ve done that, I text Silas’ sister Eloise, I need his address so that I can surprise him tomorrow. Eloise and I were friends when I lived in Grand Folks, we still talk a few times a week, sometimes I feel as though I speak more to her than I do to Silas. I’m not left waiting long, she replies with his address and tells me to have fun.
“Pay,” Sebastian yells as his feet pound up the stairs. I smile at hearing the happiness in his voice. “Pay, we’re having pizza,” he tells me as he climbs onto my bed and lies down beside me.
“We are?” I say in a gasp as I widen my eyes, he giggles at me. “What kind of pizza are we having?”
“I don’t know.” He pouts. “Bethan is staying with us tomorrow.”
I nod. “Yep, are you excited?”
He lays his head on my stomach, and I run my hand through his hair, and he sighs, “Yeah, I like Bethan. You’re not going to be here, are you?”
“No, I’m going to see Silas. I’ll only be gone for a few days.”
“You promise?” I look down at him in confusion, my hand still running through his hair. “Promise you’ll come back.” He sounds so small, so uncertain, and it makes my heart ache.
“I promise. I’m not leaving you.” I hold him close to me. Today has me realizing just how far I’ve become unattached to my family. I’ve hurt them a lot by hiding. It needs to stop, we’ve all been through a lot, and I can’t keep hurting them anymore.