20. Payton
CHAPTER 20
Payton
SEVEN WEEKS LATER
“ A re you ready?” Bianca asks, her eyes alight with excitement and love.
I take a steadying breath, I get to see my baby again, and then tomorrow, I get to see Silas and tell him the great news. I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited and nervous at the same time. We’re back in New York, our shoot in Milan wrapped up a day sooner than it should have. I’m home in New York, and it feels so good. I’ve missed Silas so much, we speak every day, and I can’t wait to be back in his arms.
“Yes,” I tell her unable to keep the smile off of my face. I just hope when Silas finds out, that he’ll be as happy as I am.
Next month shooting starts on the film Lose Me. I’m excited to start shooting, I was shocked when I got the call to say that I had been casted as the female lead. I looked into purchasing a house in Seattle, I found the perfect one. It’s located close to the beach, and I fell in love with it. I offered the asking price, and Jerald being Jerald, took over everything and managed to get everything sorted out. The house is closed, and I get to move in soon.
Bianca pulls me into a hug, I honestly don’t think Bianca and I have hugged as much as we have in the past three weeks. “I feel bad that Silas isn’t going to be here,” she whispers.
I nod, I’ve been feeling awful about not telling him for the last few weeks, but I didn’t want to tell him over the phone. I’d love to have him here, but he’s playing tonight, and there’s no way I can do that to him. He’s finally a first team starter, and he’s played consecutively for the past six games. I’m so proud of him. I love that I’m his first call once he finishes a game or practice.
“I know, but tomorrow we fly home, and I’m going to surprise him.” I can just imagine his face when I show him the picture. I’m praying his face will light up, and he’ll be overjoyed.
She smiles, “Shall we go?”
I nod, as butterflies swarm in my stomach. God, why am I so nervous to see my baby? I’m twelve weeks along. I’m dying to see the baby, to see what it looks like. I’m imagining a little girl who has Silas’ amazing green eyes and his gorgeous smile.
I glance at my phone, the pregnancy app I downloaded tells me that my baby is the size of a passion fruit. Sometimes I still can’t believe that I’m pregnant. But I’m excited, once I tell Silas, I can’t wait to go shopping. I’m going to spoil our baby rotten.
I reach for my purse and throw my cell into it. The smile on my face is one that hasn’t left me for the past eight weeks. The world has gone mad trying to figure out why I’m so happy, they’ve guessed correctly, well their partly right when they say that Silas Miller is the man to put the smile on my face. He’s always been the one to make me happy.
The world doesn’t know that I’m pregnant, and it’s the way I intend to keep it. Hell, I haven’t let Silas know yet, and until he knows, no one else is going to find out.
I climb into the taxi as Bianca slides in next to me. That nervous feeling intensifies and I pass it off as excitement in seeing my bean again.
I’m lying on this bed with the hem of my top tucked under my bra, my stomach on full display as I stare at the screen. I’m in a private clinic here in New York, I like them here. They're sweet and discreet. They cater to the rich and famous. The ultrasound technician is running the wand over my stomach, and I stare at the beautiful baby that Silas and I created.
No longer is it a little bean, but an actual baby. The head is big, God, I can make out the features. I blink back the tears as I stare at my beautiful baby.
I was so fixated on the screen that I didn’t notice the vibe of the room, neither did Bianca. When the technician left the room, I didn’t think anything off it.
While the technician is gone, I snap some photos of the screen where my baby is currently on display. I’m so proud, and I can’t wait to show Silas and then Dahlia and the kids. The smile is once again firmly on my face as I think about how amazing tomorrow is going to be. I know deep down that Silas is going to be happy. We’re going to be the very best parents to this baby that we can be.
“Ms. Moore, I’m Doctor Lessington,” the tiny woman says as she walks into the room. I give her a smile and turn my attention back to the screen where my baby is. I don’t take much notice as she takes the place of where the technician was and moves the wand over my belly.
I don’t think I’ve ever been as proud as I am at this moment.
“I’m sorry, Ms. Moore, but there’s no heartbeat.”
I stare at her. What the hell? Why is she saying that? The smile that has been on my face for the best part of two months falls. “Check again!” I demand, but deep down I know the truth, there was no whomping sound when either she or the technician waved the wand across my stomach, now that I think about it.
The silence in the room is deafening, I’m unable to take my eyes off of the screen. There’s no heartbeat, there’s no movement. My beautiful baby is lifeless inside of me. My heart shatters at the realization, but no tears fall. I’m struck immobile as I stare at the screen.
Bianca’s hand grips mine like a vice, and it takes everything I have not to break down right then and there. I’ve no idea what the doctor is saying to me right now, those three words are replying over and over in my head. “There’s no heartbeat.”
I don’t understand. I thought at twelve weeks everything was supposed to be okay? I mean, everything I’ve heard, expectant parents tell the world from when they’re twelve weeks. How is this even happening?
“How did this happen? Did I do something wrong?” I’m not even sure that I recognize my own voice right now. Why do I sound so scratchy?
Dr. Lessington shakes her head, “You didn’t do anything wrong, Ms. Moore. Your baby stopped growing at nine weeks. This happens commonly in the first trimester, usually due to a genetic abnormality that makes the fetus incompatible with life.” She sounds so clinical as though this is something she’s repeatedly told countless mothers.
Why does no one ever tell you about this? Hmm, if it’s common in the first trimester, why isn’t it known?
I try to swallow past the lump in my throat where a sob is lodged dying to be let loose, but it’s stuck, just as my tears are.
The doctor tells me that an advice nurse will be with me shortly. Advice nurse? Damn, that’s a joke. Advice about what? My baby is dead, there’s nothing to have advice on.
When the nurse finally arrives, she gives me her condolences. I don’t want them, I just want my baby. I’m numb, I don’t want to be in this clinic any longer. I want to go home, crawl into my bed and cry.
The nurse gives me all the information that I’ll need. Too much information. As the amniotic sac had continued to grow inside of me. I wasn't a candidate for the medication that I could take at home, so I could either wait for my body to naturally expel the fetus or schedule a procedure.
Fuck, I shouldn’t be doing this, this shouldn’t be happening. How can I make this decision? How on earth did this day go from being one of the best in my life to the absolute worst?
Eventually, I come to the decision to schedule the procedure. It’s scheduled in for a few days from now.
I don’t remember leaving the clinic or arriving back into our apartment. Everything is a blur. My heart is shattering into a million pieces, and I know it’ll never be whole. Once I’m in the apartment, I walk into my bedroom and curl up in my bed. It’s as though I’m on autopilot.
Finally, the heartbreak pours out of me. The tears come thick and fast as the sobs wrack through my body. I feel the heat of Bianca’s body behind me as she pulls me into her chest and slowly rocks me.
What did I do wrong? Why couldn’t I keep my baby? The sobs wrack through my body harder.
Oh God, how am I going to tell Silas? I know that he would have been happy that I was pregnant, but how is he going to take it that I lost the baby? My body shakes at the mere thought of having Silas hurting as much as I do right now? Maybe it would be best if I didn’t tell him.
I wasn’t able to save our baby, he’s going to hate me. I hate me. Why couldn’t I protect her? She should have been safe inside of me.
I’m never going to hold her. Never get to smell that baby smell. I’ll never be able to see her smile, to see if her eyes are the same as her fathers. I’ll never get to hear her voice.
My body bows as I cry out, the pain at never getting to know my baby is almost too much to take.
The best thing for me to do is to distance myself from Silas. I can’t hurt him anymore than I already have. I’m the reason his baby isn’t alive.
I can’t wrap my head around why this happened, what did I do wrong?
The tears don’t dry up even when I fall into a restless sleep. My dreams are filled with a little girl who calls me mommy.