33. Porter
PORTER
“Your brother should be here any minute. Thanks again for picking up the cake this morning. I really thought I’d be able to take the day off work,” Mom calls over her shoulder while pulling the food she’s warming out of the oven.
She’s never really had time to cook, so reheating things was always the main function of our oven. Probably for the best with how old it is.
“No problem, Mom,” I assure her even though I’d flinched when the bakery informed me the cake was not already paid for.
I won’t tell her I covered it though, my mom isn’t manipulative, and she’d told me multiple times she was planning to pick it up.
She probably forgot all about the cost and would be horrified to find out I spent my own money.
I’m also not really sure why we even need a whole cake when it’ll only be three of us. Maybe because it’s my brother’s first birthday since he moved out, and my mom is feeling nostalgic.
“Oh, I’m just so excited to have you both home!” she announces for probably the tenth time today.
I smile and nod, trying not to think about how much I’m missing Will, even if he’s gone this weekend anyway for a game.
I really am glad to be here though, even if things do always feel a little strained when the three of us are back together.
I haven’t seen my mom or brother since Christmas, and the timing couldn’t have been better with everything that’s been going on with Will.
I still can’t believe it’s been over two weeks since he showed up with the flowers, and I gave into the idea of being his big bi-awakening, friends-with-benefits experiment.
Over two weeks of blowjobs and fingering and biting my tongue every time I want to beg him to just fuck me instead.
He’s been taking the lead on our hookups, and it’s always so good, I just don’t know how much longer I’ll last without knowing what it feels like to have his dick inside of me.
Outside of sex though, I’ve actually been pretty impressed by my ability to avoid spending too much time with Will.
I’ve worked extra shifts and organized study dates with other friends; I’ve probably never been this prepared for finals.
And every time he’s invited himself over to watch a movie or offers to bring me food, I make sure one of us ends the night daring the other person to hook up so that there’s no chance of me forgetting what’s really going on between us.
I’m fully accepting this for what it is—good old-fashioned college fun.
It’s not like I’m going to marry him or anything.
That’d be crazy. When things between us end when the semester is over, I’ll be fine.
I’ll keep myself busy with work like usual and pretend I won’t be wishing for more all of senior year too.
Why couldn’t I have met him senior year, ugh.
“Hey, bro,” Lewis greets as he strolls into the kitchen.
I’m setting the table because I always revert back to helping as much as I can when I’m around my mom and Lewis.
“Hey, happy birthday.”
“Thanks,” he mutters, dropping his keys on the counter as my mom rushes to wrap him up in a hug.
“You’re here!” Mom coos. “I got that lasagna you love and garlic bread. I just took them out of the oven. And Porter picked up your cake on his way here.”
“You didn’t have to do that,” Lewis assures her, knowing just how stretched thin Mom is.
“Of course I did, honey. It’s your birthday!”
He rolls his eyes, but he’s fighting a smile. “I’m nineteen, not nine.”
“I will always take the opportunity to celebrate another year with both my kids.”
“I’ll get the drinks,” I cut in before Lewis can say something about how he wished Mom wouldn’t make comments like that.
He hates any reminder that there was a time his birthdays didn’t feel guaranteed.
“What do you want, Lewis? Water? Soda? There’s beer in the fridge, but I don’t know if Mom lets you drink. ”
“I can get my own drink,” he reminds me, and I should’ve known that was coming. He always thinks we’re coddling him, even when I’m doing the most basic decent thing.
“I know you can. I’m just asking what you want since I’m getting one for myself.”
“Surprise me,” he responds flatly.
Great, this is going to be a fun family dinner like always.
I love them, I really do. It’s just sometimes I don’t particularly like spending time with them.
There was always so much stress in this house growing up, worrying about Lewis’s health, my mom trying to figure out who would watch us so she could work to afford to keep us clothed, fed, and sheltered—on top of Lewis’s medical bills.
She did her best, I can fully see that now, but it was impossible to hide the stress from us even then.
Now, I think coming back here, especially when we’re all together, puts Lewis and me both on edge, even though we’re all okay now.
We both seem happier now that we’ve moved out. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.
We sit in our usual spots. I’m in the chair closest to the kitchen—not that the others are far away—I just tend to be the one who gets up and grabs things so it’s easier.
Lewis takes his old chair across from me and Mom sits at the head of the table between us.
Mom asks Lewis how work is going, and he talks about a project he’s on.
He seems to really love welding, which makes me happy for him.
“That sounds wonderful,” Mom adds in response to whatever Lewis just shared. “Doesn’t it sound wonderful, Porter?”
“Yeah, it is,” I acknowledge blindly. I’m glad that he’s doing so well, but my mind keeps drifting to Will, wondering how his weekend is going, what his family is like, what he’d say if he ever met my brother.
That obviously won’t happen, but I have no control over my crush, and apparently now that I get to actually hook up with him, my fantasies have evolved into strange domestic scenarios like meeting each other’s families.
Being here with my family has really made me appreciate all the little things Will does to spoil me. I know it doesn’t mean anything romantic when he brings me food or cleans me up after sex, but it’s been so nice to have someone I can really let go with.
I’ve stopped fighting Josie on paying for certain things over the years, but even from the beginning with Will, it’s like I was comfortable accepting his offered help in a way I never have been before.
Maybe it’s because he makes it so obvious how much he enjoys being the one offering those things.
I, on the other hand, have never enjoyed the caretaker role I had to assume growing up in this family.
I did it because I’d needed too, because Mom was struggling between working, paying the bills, getting Lewis the care he needed, and me.
I’ve always tried to make things as frictionless as possible around here, and while my mom appreciates it, I hate the dynamic it’s created between my brother and me.
We never really had the opportunity to be normal siblings—he was someone I was responsible for, someone I needed to protect.
I’m well aware Lewis and my mom can both take care of themselves—and that Lewis makes significantly more money than me now—but it’s so hard to change the way we’ve always interacted.
At school, around Will, I can finally let go completely. I can just exist. It’s freeing knowing he’ll be the one to take care of me, even if it is just an extension of being his first queer sexual experience.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I pull it out, smiling when I see it’s another text from Will. Fuck, I wish I could be in bed with him right now.
Will
Finally at the hotel
Porter
If you’re trying to make me jealous that you’re sharing a room with another man, you’ll have to try harder than that.
I attempt a teasing response because I hate ignoring him, but I also don’t want to go too deep. Asking him about his day, or his game, or his friends, those all feel like boyfriend things.
Joking around and flirting is much safer territory.
I continue to eat and answer my mom’s questions about school when she asks.
I confirm that I’ll be staying here with her over the summer so I can work my normal seasonal waiting gig, and when we all finish eating, I bring the dirty dishes to the sink to wash while my mom gets out the cake.
We sing to Lewis, who sighs dramatically but blows out the candles without protest, and we all have a piece.
I know it meant a lot to my mom that I came home, so I’m glad I did, but when Lewis explains he can’t stay late because he has plans with his friends, I don’t complain.
My mom hugs us both and walks him out before explaining she has to work again in the morning.
She says good night while I finish cleaning up.
I check my phone again and see Will’s response.
Will
Haha you’d definitely have no reason to be jealous. I’ve been sharing a room with Nathan for years. Never cared. A few nights in your bed and I realized I wanted your cock in my mouth.
I choke on nothing, glad no one is around to see me react to his text. Fuck, I think I can be blunt, but sometimes Will says stuff like that, and I realize just how well matched we are.
Our sense of humor that is. We aren’t, like, meant to be together or anything.
Will
He actually just left though, so if you’re free… I dare you to call me ;)
I shake my head, smiling. I know I won’t be able to resist hearing his voice tonight, and he’s making it pretty clear what his intentions are for this call, so I don’t think it’ll feel too relationship-y to go along with it.
I wait until I’m alone in my childhood room with the door locked, just in case, to hit the call button.
“Hey,” Will greets, and I can hear a smile in his voice.
“Hey,” I echo, grinning at the ceiling as I lay back in bed against my pillow.
“You busy?”
“Nah. Just lying here in bed.”
“Yeah? Me too. Just thinking.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“Guess,” he prompts with a playful edge to his tone. Alright, I can work with that.