Chapter 31
31
CARINA
Carina couldn’t have looked away if her life depended on it. It was so long ago, yet she remembered every detail of that night. The three of them were on stage together and wow, they were magnificent.
They were singing ‘It’s A Man’s World’, all taking different parts, the way they’d done so many times at parties and gatherings and to keep them amused while going back and forwards on the ferry.
Moira’s rasp was smoky and gravelly, a Christina Aguilera before the real one came along.
Carina was playing the tune on the piano like it was a bluesy concerto, her pitch perfect voice testimony to all those years of expensive singing and music coaches that her mother had once insisted that she’d wasted.
And Lisa. She was spectacular. In her leather trousers and white blouse, she worked that stage, every move transfixing her audience, every lyric delivered with intoxicating sass.
‘She’s breathtaking,’ she heard Stevie murmur, awestruck. ‘I’ve never seen this side of her, never seen her perform or sound that way or move like that.’ Carina could see the glistening tears in Stevie’s eyes, the stricken expression on her beautiful face. ‘It kills me that she gave this up so that I’d have a quiet, secure, protected life, away from the craziness of this world. I wish she’d just followed her dreams, even after I came along. Maybe it would all have turned out so differently. She was a star.’
She was. They all were.
No one said a word. They barely breathed. The whole world disappeared, and they only remembered where they were when the song ended, and the scattering of guests at the other tables in the bar broke into spontaneous applause.
None of them had a single clue that two of those gorgeous, sexy, fierce young women on that video, were the middle-aged ladies sitting at this table, tears falling down their faces as they ached for the loss of their friend. And the loss of themselves.
Carina couldn’t reconcile that joyous, vibrant woman with the one she was now. When had that happened? When had she become quiet? Let her world become small? Let all that potential go?
She’d had a good life. She’d travelled. She’d had children she adored. She’d led a life that many would consider glamorous and luxurious. She’d married a man that she’d been in love with for many years.
If she could go back, would she change it?
No. She wouldn’t.
But now she could see that she’d lost a huge part of herself in the process.
Had it been worth it?
Before she could answer that question her phone buzzed. She’d switched it back on last night, now that Spencer knew where she was. Unable to sleep, she’d called Ben, Erin, and Imogen. She’d spent a lifetime pressing her feelings down, putting a smile on her face, smoothing over the cracks and being the elegant paragon of grace and calm.
Well, in the words of this week’s version of herself – fuck that.
Being uncharacteristically vulnerable, open and frank, she’d given them all an update on the situation. And they’d all reacted in very different ways.
Ben had given her no opinion on what she should decide, just told her to do whatever made her happy. Carina had omitted to tell her brother-in-law about Spencer’s ridiculous suspicions that Ben had feelings for her. Jealousy and fabrication were such unattractive qualities and she’d never seen Spencer displaying them before now. But then he’d never been caught with his pants down before now either. His allegations were pure projection, nothing more.
On the subject of her marriage, her daughters had been more direct.
Imogen had asked her again to take their father back.
Erin had said it was up to her – but that her dad was an asshole and Carina deserved a medal if she forgave him.
That had made her laugh and feel a glimmer of hope for a new kind of relationship with her daughters. A non-sanitised version. One that was based on truth and honesty and full disclosure about her life and her feelings.
The phone buzzed again, and this time, Carina read the text message.
I’m in the lobby. Meet me there. Sx
‘I’ll be back,’ she told the others, not entirely sure if that was true.
‘Spencer’s there?’ Moira asked.
‘Yes. He’s waiting for me in the lobby.’
Moira squeezed her hand as she passed. ‘Whatever you say will be the right thing, Carina. Just tell it from your heart. Bugger, all this emotion is making me talk in song lyrics.’
Thankful for the pep talk, Carina walked into the lobby with the kind of posture and poise that her mother had drilled into her from childhood. She saw him immediately, sitting over at a low table by the window, two large glasses of red wine on the table in front of him. He’d ordered for her, as always. When had she become so voiceless, that he’d just taken for granted that he knew what she wanted?
Chiding herself for being petty, she joined him, and he said the same thing he’d said to her on a thousand other nights.
‘You look beautiful, darling.’
Tonight, though, it didn’t land the same. There was no frisson of pleasure. No gratitude that he still paid her compliments. But she still had manners, so…
‘Thank you,’ she replied, then lost her words. Nothing else. The opposing arguments in her brain had collided and shut her down, so there was nothing but an awkward silence that he broke first.
‘This is ridiculous, Carina. I feel like I’m waiting to hear my fate. And I hate that I have no control over it.’
‘Welcome to my life,’ she said, then immediately backtracked on the bitterness. ‘But that’s my fault. I was the one that gave up control. I allowed it. I’ve been doing so much thinking, and I can see that now.’
‘Can you also see that I need you back? That the girls need you? That we need to be a family again?’
All about everyone else. Did he even consider what she needed?
She avoided the questions. ‘I can see that I needed this time to breathe and to think about how we got here.’
That seemed to exasperate him and he lifted his wine, clearly in need of liquid fortification. ‘I’ve already said I’m sorry so many times, Carina. If I could take back what I did I would.’ There was an irritation in his tone that evoked the same emotion in her – did he think a simple ‘sorry’ would fix this?
‘But you can’t. It’s done, and I feel like everything is different now. I’m different. And it’s not just what you did that changed me. It’s being here. With Moira. With Lisa’s daughter, Stevie. With the ghosts of who we used to be.’
He leaned forward in his chair, the way she’d seen him do so many times when he was negotiating or sharing an idea with a business contact. ‘But Carina, that can only be a good thing. Maybe that’s what we needed. For you to find your old self again, the one I met here. Christ, we were madly in love. We couldn’t get enough of each other, and there was so much excitement and joy and promise for the future. Maybe what happened will turn out to be the biggest blessing we could have had.’
Wow. He was honestly going down the line that inserting his dick into another woman was going to be the hallelujah-shot in the arm that their marriage needed.
Maybe the old Carina would have gone with that, but the new Carina, the one in her ‘Eff That Era’ had a very different point of view.
Fifteen minutes ago, she’d walked across the lobby unsure of what her answer would be.
Now she knew. She just had to explain it.
‘You know, Spencer, after what happened to Lisa, there’s a question that’s been plaguing me this week. What would have happened if she’d known she was going to die that day? That month? That year? Would she have made changes to her life? Lived it a different way? Taken chances? I’ve no idea. But I do know that I get to choose now. You’ve had my life since I was twenty-three years old, and I’ll never regret it. But you’ve had enough of it, Spencer. I’ve decided that the rest of my days are going to be for me.’
She stood up, gave him a smile that said goodbye. ‘So I’m sorry, Spencer, but being your wife… well, that just doesn’t work for me any more. From now on I want to make my own plans, my own decisions and order my own bloody drinks.’
Naturally, he wasn’t giving in that easily. ‘You’re emotional. Still raw. And I don’t blame you because I let you down. But I’m going to keep trying to get you back, Carina.’
‘What you do is up to you, but it won’t change anything. I want a different life, Spencer.’
‘And what will that be, Carina? Where will you go?’
She smiled at the man she’d loved for a lifetime.
‘Wherever I damn well please.’
With that, she turned around and walked out of the lobby and out of her marriage.
And she didn’t even think about turning back.