Chapter 14 Olivia #3
There were so many things I wanted to say but didn’t know how to voice.
Of course, I knew John wanted me to be happy.
He had spent his life helping me chase a dream I thought I had, stopping at nothing until it came to fruition.
But how could I tell the man on his deathbed that all his hard work had been for nothing?
Instead of wasting his time on training me to fill his shoes, he could’ve given his energy to someone else.
Someone worthy of the role who wouldn’t want to throw in the towel after only a few years in the job.
“Eh, it’s fine,” I said, forcing a smile. “No one loves their job all the time. It’s just a part of life.” I turned to him in my seat. “I mean, can you honestly tell me that you’ve never hated a single moment of owning the bar?”
“I hate the time I spend there that takes me away from Harper, but I’ve never hated my decision to own the bar or regretted it in any way. It was what I wanted, and I made it happen. Why should I hate that? And if I did, why would I stay in a situation that makes me unhappy?”
“Okay. I guess you’re the anomaly then,” I muttered, sitting back in my seat.
Was he right? Was it as easy as telling John I didn’t want this life anymore?
“I’ve learned a lot in therapy, you know.
” His gaze flicked to the backseat where Harper and Charlie were thankfully still distracted.
“After Sarah left, I was in a bad spot. Like, a really bad one, Olivia. I struggled to get out of bed. Struggled to shower. There were some days that I had to beg someone to take Harper for a night or two because I’d drunk myself into a stupor and couldn’t even pick her up from school.
But I got help. I talked to John about what was going on and the horrible thoughts swirling around in my head.
He was the one who helped me find a therapist and get my shit straight. ”
I chewed on my lip, trying to keep my surprise hidden. Did Lukas know that Duke had struggled like that? “John helped you?”
“Honey, he’s helped me more times than I could count.
It was just my mom and me growing up. She did what she could to give me the best shot at life, but it wasn’t easy being a single mom and having to raise a restless kid on her own.
John stepped in, paid for anything he could.
Sports. My first truck. You name it.” He glanced at me, smiling slightly.
“How’d you think I paid for school? A scholarship? ”
I shrugged. “I guess I never really thought about it.”
Duke was always just… there. He and my brother were inseparable.
I didn’t consider us growing up any differently because he often stayed with us more than he did at home.
But thinking back, it made sense. John and my parents always made sure that Duke had a pile of presents waiting for him on Christmas, and he accompanied us on every single family vacation we ever took.
“I know what it’s like not to want to disappoint someone. After all John had done to help me succeed, going through the divorce and losing the house felt like I was slapping all his generosity in the face.”
“I guess I’ll have to take that into consideration. Got a good recommendation for a new therapist? Preferably not anyone in a fifty-mile radius?”
Duke pulled onto the property and headed up the short drive to John’s house. He parked beside Lukas’s truck and cut the ignition. The girls didn’t waste any time unbuckling themselves and rounding the corner to where I was sure they’d find my brother hard at work.
I went to follow them, but Duke’s hand on my elbow stopped me.
“I know you’re gonna play this off as a joke, but I still think you should talk to him about how you’re feeling.
I promise you, he wouldn’t want you to look back in twenty or thirty years and regret living a life you didn’t love. I know you don’t want that either.”
No, I didn’t want that. While I respected Duke’s attempt to—I don’t know—give me a pep talk, our circumstances were different.
I’d told John more times than I could count that all I wanted was to be like my father.
Like him. It felt weak walking away so soon.
Like I hadn’t actually tried to make the job my own.
And if I didn’t take it, who would?
“I’m going to go check on the girls and say hi to Luke,” I said, pulling my arm free from his grip.
Duke nodded, but didn’t push the change of subject. He stepped out into the sweet afternoon air with me. “I’ll go check on the old man,” he said, gesturing toward the house. “Let him know we’re home.”
I watched him disappear into the house and debated following him. It was my daughter’s lighthearted giggles that changed my mind.
Rounding the corner of the house, I saw Charlie, Harper, and Lukas beneath the old oak tree. Once upon a time, Lukas and I had our own treehouse here, but it had been torn down years ago.
Charlie had been begging my brother for years to rebuild it, and he finally started a few months ago. It was a slow project since Lukas only came by on his occasional day off to work on it. Lately, though, it seemed like he used it as an excuse to come by and see John.
“What is going on here?” I asked, planting my hands on my waist. Charlie and Harper were both soaking wet while Lukas looked guilty as he dropped the water hose and raised his hands above his head.
“They started it,” he said, sending a pointed look in the girl’s direction.
“No, we didn’t,” they said in unison.
“Yes, you did.”
“I tripped,” Charlie said, examining her nails.
Lukas leveled her with a glare. “And managed to soak me in the process?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know how it happened, but it did.”
I covered my smile with the back of my hand.
“So, you—the forty-two-year-old adult—decided to get revenge on two nine-year-olds? Am I understanding this correctly?” Lukas opened his mouth to argue, but snapped it shut.
“That’s what I thought.” I looked toward the girls.
“We’ll talk about this later. For now, please go play. I need to talk to your uncle.”
Harper headed off to the treehouse first, but Charlie turned around and shot daggers at my brother before shouting, “Snitches get stitches. You better sleep with one eye open, Uncle Luke.”
When she turned around, Lukas looked at me with wide eyes. “What the hell are you teaching that kid?”
“Hopefully not to take any shit. I dealt with enough from you growing up.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he said, shaking his head. Water droplets flew everywhere.
“Oh my god, stop it,” I hissed, stepping away from him. “You’re worse than your niece.”
He winked. “Must be where she gets it from.”
God. I didn’t even want to think about the hell she’d raise as she got older. She was a handful as it was.
“Did you say hi to John?” I asked, looking toward the house. I could see movement from inside, but couldn’t tell if it was Duke or one of the nurses we had on staff.
“He was sleeping when I got here, so I decided to work out here in the meantime. Would you mind going inside and getting some towels while I make peace with your daughter? I don’t want to wake up to her standing above my bed with a knife sometime in the future.”
I looked back toward the treehouse where Charlie was still shooting daggers at Lukas. “Yeah, that might be best. She seems like she’d play the long game. Really make you lose your mind before she attacks.” I patted him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry. She takes bribes.”
Lukas blew out a breath. “Why do I feel like this is going to cost me an arm and a leg?”
“Might cost you more than that,” I laughed, heading toward the house.
Duke was standing on the porch, pacing back and forth and speaking quietly on the phone to someone. When he saw me, he quickly ended his call.
“Olivia, wait,” he said, sticking his hand out so I couldn’t get inside.
Unease prickled at the back of my neck as I tried to move past him, but he wouldn’t budge. “I need to get in the house.”
Duke shook his head. “I can’t let you do that.”
I glanced past him through the open door.
John’s nurse sat on the stairs, her eyes red-rimmed and glassy.
I recognized the girl from school. She was a few years younger than me but had grown up in the area.
We’d been grateful to hire someone from town to watch over him.
Figured that might make him more comfortable on the days he woke up confused.
But I didn’t understand why she was crying. Why Duke wouldn’t let me past. There would be no reason I couldn’t go inside the house, unless…
But no. That couldn’t be. Duke and I had seen John this morning. Had talked to him only hours ago.
Duke’s gaze softened as the realization hit me. His eyes were so full of sorrow.
Of apology.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “No.”
“Olivia, I—”
“Get out of my way, Duke.” I pushed at his arm, but it was no use. He was immovable. “Goddammit. Get out of my fucking way.” I tried again, raising my voice as I attempted to force my way through.
The nurse on the stairs began crying louder. The keening wail grated on my nerves. Why was she crying? She had no business crying. I was John’s family. His next of kin. I was the one who should have broken down in tears.
I could feel them coming, but pushed them down, down, down, until all I felt was anger.
Anger at the caretaker who’d been here when I wasn’t.
Anger at Duke for keeping me from going inside the house.
Anger at John for dying.
Because that was what happened. We’d enjoyed the day to ourselves. Gotten lost in each other’s company while John had died alone in his bed.
John was dead.
I ducked beneath Duke’s arm, but was quickly caught around the waist. He pulled me into him, murmuring apologies I didn’t want into my ear. I fought him, kicking the air and punching his arm to no avail. I screamed, but had no idea what was coming out of my mouth.
Nothing made sense, and yet I knew what was waiting for me in that house. Nothing.
Duke said something to the nurse, who hurried past us and out of the house.
I kept fighting against his hold, but he kept me held tight to his chest as I let out a scream.
The tears had already begun, and everything was spinning rapidly around me.
I couldn’t catch my breath, couldn’t do anything other than thrash and scream in Duke’s arms as a police siren sounded behind us.
“I’m sorry, honey. I’m so sorry,” Duke whispered in my ear.
Suddenly, the one place in the world I felt safe was crumbling around me.
I was scrambling to regain any semblance of control and failing.
He rocked me back and forth, rubbing circles along my back.
I’m sure he meant for it to be comforting, but it wasn’t his comfort I longed for.
It wasn’t his voice and words I desperately wanted—no, needed—to hear.
But I’d never get the chance. Not in this lifetime.