Chapter 18 Olivia #2
“The last time we talked, you said you wished you weren’t my mother.
Since that day, I have been piecing back the parts of me you broke.
I spent years believing no one would choose me.
That no one would stay. So you know what?
That’s fine. If you have no interest in being a mother, then I have no interest in being a daughter.
” She opened her mouth to argue, but I cut her off.
“I hope you’ve gotten a good look, because this is the last time you’ll ever see me.
The last time you’ll ever talk to me. Don’t write.
Don’t call. Don’t even send a fucking text message. ”
“Livvy?”
I looked up and saw my brother and Duke standing in the open door with Charlie and Harper between them.
My daughter’s eyes were red-rimmed from crying.
She clung to Duke as though she was scared.
Of me, of my mother, I had no idea. Guilt gnawed at my insides, making my stomach churn from fear I’d gone too far.
“Excuse me,” I whispered. My voice broke as a sob wrenched itself free. I stumbled down the porch and ran into the gray evening light, unsure of where I was headed. One thing was sure. I couldn’t stay here. Not anymore.
Behind me, someone called my name. There were raised voices followed by the slamming of the screen door. And then footsteps fell in sync with my own. I knew it was Duke without looking. Lukas would have tried to talk to me. He would’ve wanted me to recount every detail and play devil’s advocate.
I loved my brother dearly, but I couldn’t be around him right now.
For all his greatness, he never fully understood my crumbling relationship with our mother. Part of me was grateful for that. No kid should ever have to feel like a burden to their parent.
But that often left me feeling as though I really was the problem. That I was being too hard on her or overreacting about how she made me feel. I couldn’t handle feeling like that right now. Not after whatever that fucking disaster was.
I wasn’t sure where we were headed, but Duke walked beside me. For the first time in my life, the silence didn’t feel suffocating. I didn’t feel the need to talk just to pass the time or to apologize for any discomfort the other person might have felt. He didn’t try to touch me or offer me comfort.
He just let me be.
Eventually, my vision blurred too much to go on, and our pace slowed.
My chest screamed at me to stop, to let my body rest. Strong arms wrapped around my middle as my knees gave out, helping me to the ground.
It was so similar to the day we found out John had passed that it brought a whole new wave of grief I couldn’t stop.
And again, it was Duke who caught me when I fell.
“I’ve got you, honey,” Duke whispered, pressing a kiss to my temple. “Let it out. You’re safe with me.”
I knew that more than I knew anything, especially in this moment.
My heart, my body, my soul—everything I was would be safe with this wonderful man.
He held me through every sob, through every scream.
He held me until the sun dipped behind the pines and coyotes howled at the moon.
He held me until my mind quieted and I took my first breath in what felt like days, all the while whispering that I was safe.
“You didn’t have to follow me,” I whispered. My voice was hoarse from exertion.
“I know, but you would’ve made too tempting a meal to whatever’s lurking in the darkness,” he said, lips curling into a smile against my temple.
“I think the screaming would’ve scared them off.”
Duke let out a huff. “You’re probably right.” We sat there in silence for a moment before he whispered, “Do you want to talk about it?”
What could I say that hadn’t been said before?
Duke knew the struggles I encountered with my mother.
Sometimes I called Lukas in tears in the months following Dad’s death, freaking out because our mom hadn’t been home in days.
I kept waiting for the sheriff’s department to show up at our door and tell me she’d wrapped her car around a telephone pole after a night of binge drinking.
Honestly, it was a miracle it never happened.
But I’d never voiced my issues with my mother to anyone other than Lukas or John before. While I knew I could trust Duke, I wasn’t sure where to begin.
“It’s crazy how fast things can change. One moment, your family is whole, and you’re left feeling invincible, and the next.
..” I mimed an explosion with my hands. “Everything changes. Dad’s death shook every single one of us, but I think it hit my mother and me the hardest. We were so close before it happened.
Always laughing, always making plans. She supported my endeavors the way all parents should, but when he died…
I don’t know. I think a part of her died, too. ”
I leaned back into Duke’s chest as his arms tightened around my middle.
“Instead of clearing that part out, she let it rot until it completely destroyed the person she was before. That’s the trouble with grief.
It’s a tragedy for someone to lose their life, but it can be so much worse for those left behind because there is no way to heal from that.
You feel that missing piece of your soul every single day. ”
Duke nodded, his voice solemn. “I would rather be the one leaving than the one being left.”
“If it wasn’t for John, I don’t know how my life would’ve ended up.
We had plenty of money. There wasn’t any concern about what I would need to do to make ends meet, but having my own mother disregard me at such a young age really fucked with my head.
I acted out a lot, doing whatever I could to get attention.
I was always a loud personality, but as I got older, I felt the need to change myself to become someone people wanted to be around.
I wanted to amplify who I was so I couldn’t be ignored.
When I did, everything changed. Suddenly, women wanted to be like me.
Men wanted to date me. I ran with it, creating the Olivia Hart you see today.
Confident. Brash. Loud. Outgoing.” I paused, wiping away a tear. “Scared and lonely.”
“When I became CEO of Hartstrings, I thought I’d be able to let the mask slip.
After all, I’d done it. I’d finally made my dreams come true.
Even my mother seemed proud. She showed up to that shiny high-rise in Nashville stone cold sober.
I couldn’t believe it. I thought maybe now that I’d done it, now that I’d made her proud, I could just be Olivia. But I was wrong.”
Nausea churned in my gut as the words tumbled out.
My mouth was moving quicker than my mind could keep up.
“Everyone preferred the new and improved version of me to the person I actually was. Nobody knew me, Duke. Nobody. And that meant”—a ragged sob tore from my chest—“nobody loved me. Or, they loved me, but they didn’t love me. Does that even make any fucking sense?”
Duke nodded, squeezing my hand, and I could see everything he wanted to say reflected in his eyes.
But before he could, I kept going. “I worked my ass off. I succeeded despite those who told me I couldn’t do it, even if succeeding was fucking killing me.
I’d worked so hard for the life I’d dreamed of, but my dream was killing me. ”
It still was, and there was nothing I could do about it. What difference would it make? Nothing was going to change now that John had passed. No one understood. Not even my brother. He’d been the one to turn down the family legacy to build one of his own. I wasn’t afforded that luxury.
I wasn’t sure I ever would be.
“I’ve been living a lie for so long that I don’t know who I am without it.
” I rested my head on Duke’s shoulder, tipping my chin to the sky above, and stared at the stars.
“I became CEO because my parents wanted me to. It’s the last connection I have with my father, and now I have to protect John’s legacy.
I refuse to let someone ruin what he built. ”
Duke’s fingertips gently trailed up and down my arm, leaving goosebumps in their wake.
“When I told my mother I was getting a divorce, she lost her shit. She told me I was throwing my life away. That I was too old to find a husband at the tender age of—what? Thirty-five?” I laughed, but it was as hollow as I felt.
“I told her it was my life and I wanted to live it as I saw fit. That I refused to live a life that didn’t suit me.
I was done pretending to be someone I wasn’t, and I wanted to resign as CEO of Hartstrings immediately.
I tried. But she said if I stepped down, it would ruin our family.
That I would ruin our family. How can anyone say that to someone? Let alone a mother to their daughter?”
Duke tugged me closer. If he could take away the pain, I knew he would. “I’m so sorry.”
“The worst part is that it didn’t even come as a surprise to me. Today was the first time I’ve seen or spoken to her in over two years. I thought maybe things would have changed in the time that’d passed, but clearly they haven’t. I’m still the same disappointment I’ve always been.”
Even though I knew it wasn’t true, I couldn’t shake the cloud of shame hanging over my head. No matter what I did, none of it was good enough for her.
I wasn’t good enough for her.
“Do you want to go egg her car?”
The question caught me so off guard, I couldn’t help but laugh. It was absurd. Absolutely ridiculous.
“Egg her car?”
Duke shrugged. “Lukas and I did it to the high school principal when we were seniors—”
“That was you?” I asked, turning my head to look up at him.
“And your brother. It’s important to remember that.”
“Are you sure you should be telling me this?”
“The statute of limitations is only seven years,” he said. “I think we’re safe.”
“But now I know one of your secrets.”
He sighed, tucking my head beneath his chin. I could hear the rhythmic beating of his heart in his chest, the steady thump lulling me into a sense of calm. “I’d give you as many as you needed, as long as they made you feel better.”
His admission felt so heavy. Somewhere, there were promises behind his words. Promises neither of us dared to speak, promises we knew we couldn’t keep.
There was one thing I wanted, but was too afraid to ask for.
It felt wrong on so many levels, but baring my heart and soul to a man who sat and listened without judgment gave me a quiet sort of confidence.
One unlike any I’d ever had before. “Would you,” I paused, clearing my throat.
I could do this. I could ask for what I wanted without guilt.
“I—I don’t really want to be alone tonight. ”
“Then you won’t be.” Duke’s answer came swiftly. Instantaneous. As if he already knew what I was going to ask before I ever got the words out.
“You don’t have to,” I quickly added. “I—”
Duke pulled me around to face him. I straddled his waist, letting my hands fall between us as his palms cupped my cheeks.
“I told you I’ve got you, honey, and I fucking mean it.
Whatever you want, whatever you need, it’s yours.
” His thumb brushed my cheek, gently wiping away the remaining tears. “You can trust me, Olivia.”
I nodded, leaning into his touch. “I know. I do.”
That was the most terrifying thing of all.
Out of all the words I spoke tonight, those scared me the most. I hadn’t fully trusted a man since Grady, but even that was different. We knew exactly what we were to one another, but I had no idea what I was to Duke.
No matter how hard I tried to remember he was Lukas’s best friend or Harper’s dad, deep down I wanted him to be something else.
Something to me.
Without another word, he pushed to his feet, lifting me in his arms. “I can walk,” I protested, pushing at his chest. “It’s too far—”
“Shut up, and let me do this,” Duke said, pulling me closer. “Let me carry you. And all the rest too.”