Chapter Thirty-Six
LUCY
Lucy’s emotions were all over the place. She was ecstatic for Chloe and Chandler, beyond pissed at Devin, and sad. So unaccountably sad that she was convinced that she was a terrible person. She was wrung out. Exhausted.
Kim approached her in the vestibule outside the reception hall and Lucy all but collapsed into her hug.
Wedding guests streamed around them, happily chatting as they shuffled off to the rest of the evening’s wedding events.
‘Jesus,’ Kim fussed. ‘Are you okay?’
‘No,’ Lucy replied. ‘I either want to dance with joy, curl up in the fetal position, or attack the top shelf of liquor at the reception. Maybe all three. Nicky was being really sweet in there. Considerate. Kind. And I don’t know how to handle it. It’s dumb. I’m dumb.’
‘Take a breath,’ Kim instructed.
Lucy, completely at a loss, did as she was told.
‘Fucking Devin,’ she mumbled as she exhaled.
‘He’s an idiot,’ Kim added. ‘His head is so far up his ass the man could do his own colonoscopy.’
A laugh escaped Lucy’s mouth before she even knew it was coming. She tried to get a hold of herself, but failed. Only wheezing, ‘That is so gross,’ before her laughter pulled her under again.
Kim smiled at her warmly.
‘I need to talk to him,’ Lucy said finally.
‘Yeah, you do.’ Kim looked around. ‘Hey, where’s your rock star?’
‘I don’t know. Probably in the cocktail hour. Unless he’s running for his life, as he should. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with him, Kim.’
‘ I do,’ she replied in her all-knowing Lady Boss tone.
‘Don’t,’ Lucy snipped, pointing a finger at Kim. ‘Just because we’ve developed this twisted psychic-friends thing over the last thirty-plus years doesn’t mean you get to use it any damn time you please.’
‘Of course it does,’ Kim said flatly.
‘You have to have permission to read my thoughts, witch,’ Lucy (mostly) teased.
‘As if,’ Kim replied. ‘Anyway, it doesn’t take witchcraft to see what’s going on with you, Luce. You’re emoting like Daniel Day-Lewis with a camera pointed at him.’
‘I’m a fucking mess.’ Lucy sighed.
‘Yeah,’ Kim said, throwing her arm across Lucy’s shoulders. ‘But you’re a beautiful mess, and I think he’s up for it.’
‘I can’t, Kim.’
‘Love him? Why the fuck not?’
‘I don’t know what I’m doing. What is even happening ?
Look at what happened with Devin. Like, what the fuck did I do to Devin?
How did I screw that up so spectacularly?
’ Lucy roared, before silencing herself as she began to draw looks from Brandon’s business associates passing by.
She mumbled, ‘I’m too old for this, Kim.
Shouldn’t I have some shit figured out by now? ’
‘Nobody has anything figured out, Lucy. Nobody. Anybody who says they do is a fucking liar. The best any of us can do is put one foot in front of the other and try to keep the collateral damage to a minimum.’
Lucy fumed, ‘You are the worst at advice.’
‘I’m brilliant at it,’ she retorted with a lightness that made Lucy want to scream.
‘You said he could be a nice distraction.’
‘Oh, I think you’re distracted.’
Lucy heard music strike up in the reception hall. ‘Shit, I think I’m supposed to be announced or something.’
The two friends hugged each other fiercely, telling each other everything about how deep and true their love was, all without ever saying a word.
Lucy was announced. As were Jenna and Brandon, Mr. and Mrs. Heylen, and the newly minted McManis-Heylens. Chandler, prince that he was, had told Chloe – in no uncertain terms – that he never intended to take anything away from her, only add, so insisted that they share both of their names.
After the formalities had been observed and people were settling in for their trillion-course dinner, Lucy found Devin. At the damn bar.
Okay, time to pull up those big-girl pants.
‘Have a second?’ Lucy asked as he shoved a couple of bills into the tip jar.
Devin just grunted and followed her to an out-of-the-way nook where hotel staff buzzed by them, busy and unconcerned.
Lucy started, ‘I wanted to say, I’m sorry.’
Devin just looked down at his highball glass, shuffling uncomfortably from one foot to the other in his stiff tuxedo and formal shoes.
She continued, ‘I thought you were … that we were in an okay place after the divorce. And I guess I was wrong.’
Devin’s only response was a grunt, just a single noise, but laced with so much meaning that it grated on Lucy’s already frayed nerves.
‘Devin,’ she griped, ‘you have to tell me what’s going on with you so I can help.’
He looked up. ‘You mean so you can get me off your conscience and get back to Nick-fucking-Broome? Or should I say, fucking Nick Broome?’
Lucy swallowed the curse that really, really wanted out. Instead, she said calmly, ‘No, so that I can be a good friend to you and help you get out of whatever … this is. You don’t drink, you don’t make a scene, you’re a truly decent human—’
‘Just not enough ,’ he bit back.
Jesus. ‘It isn’t a contest between you, Dev. We were over a long time before I met Nicky again. You and I just didn’t work.’
‘You didn’t let us work, Lucy. You never tried.’
Well, shit, she really didn’t think that was true.
He went on, ‘When things got hard, you just gave up. And I couldn’t do it all myself, you know? If you weren’t in it – which, I’m pretty sure you weren’t from the beginning – but if you weren’t in it, what could I do?’
Had she ever been in it?
Devin continued, ‘We had fun, until we didn’t. And then that was it.’
That was almost exactly how she’d described her relationship with Devin to Nicky. The unconscious echo sent a painful tingle between her shoulder blades.
He added, ‘I thought there was something deeper between us, and you didn’t. Which is fucking brutal when you realize it. Okay?’
Lucy looked in his eyes, could clearly read their sadness and disappointment. Realization began to dawn. ‘I think—’ Shit. ‘I think, you’re right.’
‘I am?’
She really wished he wasn’t but, ‘Yeah,’ Lucy replied. ‘I wasn’t in it. I was not a good partner and I didn’t commit.’
‘You didn’t,’ he repeated.
‘No, and what’s worse is that I was careless with your feelings, Devin. That’s what I’m really sorry for. Because I did … I do love you. Just … not in the way you need me to.’
Not like I feel for Nicky , her dumbass subconscious offered unhelpfully.
Lucy went on, ‘I’m sorry we didn’t work, Dev. I’m sorry that I hurt you. You have to believe; that was never my intention. I’m just … I’m just really fucking bad at relationships.’
I shouldn’t get within a hundred miles of a relationship. Obviously, I’m toxic.
Devin stared at her, assessing, his eyebrows scrunching up in thought.
Lucy tried, ‘I hope … I know that there is a woman out there who is looking for you, Dev. You are funny, sweet, and kind. You’re a really good person.’ She teased tentatively, ‘When you’re not on the sauce.’
He cringed. ‘I am kind of a lightweight. Never shoulda said any of that shit the other night, Lucy. I’m sorry.’
‘It’s all right. I get it. Water under the bridge, okay?’
He nodded. Then said, ‘I shouldn’t let this shit still get to me—’
‘No,’ Lucy insisted. ‘Don’t apologize for your feelings. And don’t beat yourself up for having them. Or for sharing them.’ She smiled. ‘Just maybe do it sober next time.’
‘Yeah,’ he replied, with another long look at his glass.
‘Are you okay? I mean, I know that you will be okay. And I know that my apology doesn’t really solve anything.
’ Lucy sighed. She wanted to touch his arm, comfort him, but knew it would be more helpful to her than him.
‘In the long-term I know you’ll be great.
You know? You will. Right this minute though, are you okay? ’
He nodded once, eyes still downcast, then took a deep breath and exhaled it roughly. ‘Yeah,’ he said finally.
Good. At least someone is. Lucy felt a headache coming on. A twist in her belly foreshadowed days of obsessing over all the ways she’d fucked things up. For Devin. For herself.
‘Better get back out there,’ he said, interrupting her existential meltdown.
This time, it was her turn to nod.
‘See ya around, Lucy.’
‘Yeah, Dev. See you around.’
Lucy watched Devin’s retreating form as he was swallowed up by the crowd of mingling guests. She was so focused on him, and the ever-widening pit in her stomach, that she didn’t notice her ex-husband Sam until he was right beside her.
‘Hey,’ he said, smoothing the facial hair that he’d insisted he hated until he married James who, apparently, loved it.
‘Oh fuck,’ Lucy grumbled. ‘Do you have something to unburden yourself with, too? Go ahead. Tell me how I screwed everything up between us .’
‘Wow,’ Sam quipped with a smile, holding his hands up in surrender. ‘I actually came over on the hunt for extra napkins.’ He reached behind Lucy to a cart of silverware and straws and, yes, napkins.
‘Shit, I’m sorry,’ Lucy said.
‘Everything okay?’
‘Yeah, just … Devin.’ And about a million other things. ‘I’m a disaster.’
Sam smiled.
Stupid friendly Sam and his stupid friendly smile. Ugh.
‘Hey,’ he said, resting a hand on her shoulder. ‘It’s a wedding. What’s a wedding without little disasters happening quietly in the background all over the place?’ He waved the stack of napkins in his hand. ‘I spilled red wine all over Aunt Glinda.’
Lucy cringed. ‘Yikes.’
‘Well, it only happened because she grabbed my ass as I was sitting down, so I think that’s on her disaster count, not mine.’
A smile broke on Lucy’s face before she could hold it back.
Gah! How did Sam always know how to do that?
He turned to go. Then, just as quickly, turned back.
‘Hey, Luce?’
‘Yeah?’
‘You’re not a disaster,’ he said solemnly. ‘You never were.’ Sam exhaled heavily, like he was going to say something else, but changed his mind. ‘You’ll figure it out. You always do.’
Lucy truly hoped that was true but, just that second, she didn’t really believe it.
‘Yeah,’ she whispered. ‘Thanks.’